The beginning of healing.

So much has happened since I wrote the last blog post...yeah, I am feeling a little stupid at the moment at how depressed I was. I truly hope no one got upset over it and I am sorry if you did. I mostly type up things at the whim of how I am feeling at that particular moment and sometimes I don't take caution, so forgive me. I'm thinking this blog has become too much of an online diary, haha.

Anyway, on Wednesday I had a meeting with the dean of women at my Bible college, Hope. We had the best, most healing talk about everything I was feeling and going through at the time. So often people think that when someone tells you about their problems we have to fix them by giving them advice and our own input, but what I have learnt is that healing can take place simply by listening to them. Of course, as I talked I felt this great weight off of my chest. It was so refreshing and comforting having someone who didn't interrupt me at all, didn't tell me I should or shouldn't do this or that and didn't make me feel misunderstood like I was so frequently with everyone else. After I told her about my depression, we prayed for the spirit of death to leave me in the name of Jesus. The holy spirit also moved her to pray over me to renounce the spirit of depression too. At first it didn't want to leave me, and we realised afterwards how powerful its grip was over my life, but after the second try we got it to leave my soul! Praise God!
The blood of Jesus can do incredible, wonderful things. It made me think afterwards about how much authority has been given to us. I used to think that I had no spiritual power, but I would like to encourage everyone that there is power given to you when you have the Holy Spirit living in you. You can renounce any spirits of death that take a hold of your life. Amizzle to that! I don't know if the spirit of depression has really left me yet, but I do believe a healing has really begun. God is in the business of healing and no matter how many times the devil tries to torment us there is nothing that prayer cannot cast out.

From Hope's help, I also realised why I was feeling so misanthropic this past while. The greatest area of ministry that God has called you into, the devil will greatly attack. For example, she said, if your greatest ministry is with people, the devil will try to convince you to distrust and loathe them in attempt to steer you away from God's plan for your life. I was prophesied last week that this season in my life is where God will reveal his gifts to me. My reflection is that the devil knew this. He knew that God is calling me to minister to people using the gifts he gave me and tried to destroy that. Disappointed, bitter, empty and depressed, the devil had a hold on me. But no more. God is my victory and through him I have conquered this mountain. Amen!

I feel so ready to recieve what God wants to reveal to me. I once thought in my depression that the revelation of my gifts were nothing to be excited about, but now I am pumped! Part of my preparation to receieve his blessings is God stripping away me from me. Ever since coming to Bible college, I have been refined in the fire, pruned and moulded. It is scorching, painful and uncomfortable but the effects of it all are coming into fruition now. My desire to drink, my desire to club, my desire to smoke, my desire to do drugs, my desire to have more friends and my desire to even go to gigs are slowly diminishing. It is so good and people are glad for me, except I can't help but think and cry out, 'But Lord, what will I have left?' Hope illustrated to me that we can get so caught up in trying to hold on to everything that means nothing in our lives that we miss out on the blessings that God has in store for us. We cannot receive more if our hands are already full. So, in a way, I am content with losing the life I once thought was exciting and fun. I need more of God and less of me.

I pretty much am a loner and no life at the moment. Cutting out the friends that brought me down in life and not having the desire to go out at all these days is comforting but it has also got me down. I make excuses in my head, the main one being, 'You're only 18 Jenny. It's way to early to give it all up. You should be having fun like the rest of them.' What a load of lies. I've tried it all and brokeness was my aftermath. A life lived to the fullest is a life lived in Christ.

Anyway, just thought I would share that with you. You are not a slave to your depression and you are not a slave to your addiction. The mountains in your life can be conquered. If you feel empty and that your problems will overcome you, in the words of Stephan Murray, 'Dig a little deeper.' There you will find hope you never thought existed.
Much love and hugs.

Currently listening to: Leeland - Holy Spirit Have Your Way

My own best friend.

Ever since my early teenage years, my only enjoyable company has been myself. Whenever someone asked me to hang out with them, I knew I didn't want to. If they were to ask me why I refused, I couldn't say 'because I'm hanging out with myself.' That would be social suicide! It is really not that I have social anxiety (I can be very talkative and happy), but it is moreso because I generally dislike people. Misanthropy.

This misanthropy has been so particularly strong in me these days that even I get scared. My depression has taken a hold of me once again. It is a strong grip that I have only felt once in my life before. Yes, I have been receiving encouragement from people, but at the end of the day it is completely natural for me to be strong for myself and get through these hardships myself. It works for me. People will let me down and disappoint me constantly, but I find comfort in being able to at least control what harm I do to myself.
I absolutely despise it when people think they understand me. I can't even understand myself, let alone someone who clearly does not know even a tiny smidgen of my past and how it has made me who I am today. Obviously they do not know my past for a good reason. How do they expect me to tell them my life story when they do not show caution with what they are saying? When they jump to judgements and conclusions it just shows me how immature and pretentious they are. I am always astounded when I tell someone one or two things about how I'm feeling and then they start ranting on about who I am and what I should and shouldn't do or feel, like they know me. I doubt anybody will be reading this who this applies to, but just so you know that if you are, I've already given up on talking to you about anything about my life because you're just going to judge me like you know better.

You may think I am mentally unstable (which I would agree with you) and that I need help, but I am not completely inhumane. I have a great need for understanding at this point in my life. It is just that the need for me to be alone has been deeply rooted in me for a long, long time. Without a doubt, being alone overides companionship. The actual thought of getting help or support from someone makes me feel inadequate and anxious. It is such a backwards concept, to those who love being around people and crave company constantly.

Currently listening to: The Shins - Split Needles

Do you really love me?

You say you love me, but I know you do not because your love is very conditional.

If I were to betray you, your love for me would cease.
If I were to push you away, your love for me would cease.
If I am moody towards you, your love for me would cease.
If I do not do what you ask me to do, your love for me would cease.
If I didn't listen to what you have to say, your love for me would cease.
If I punch you and hit you and kick you, your love for me would cease.
I know if I were sad and told you to come over and cheer me up, you would not. If I was stuck in the middle of the desert and I called you, you would not help me.

Your 'love' is greatest for me when it is convenient for you. So don't you say you love me. You don't. You love the idea of me.

Life's too short to surround yourself with people who will only bring you down. I'm going to surround myself with people who encourage me and lift me higher instead of using me and abusing me. Cutting those friends out of my life now.