Ramblings.

I never get homesick. Ever. Whenever I am away from home, I always cherish it and never want to go back. But lately, I have been missing home a lot. I thought it was going to be great to move out and get away from Auckland... but as I was looking through my photo album tonight, I got a pang of sadness. I miss my gorgeous little sister & best friend Sarah, I miss my beautiful friend Anja, I miss my mum, I miss my bed and my room. I miss natural light streaming into it and I miss the space. Here, I am living in a 2x2 with no sun, even when it's a sunny day.

I hate to complain, but I'm surprised how hard it is for me living in Wellington. I haven't made any good friends here, and with all the bad memories tainted everywhere, I just want to move away again. I thought it was going to be a lot of fun, but the people here don't seem so friendly anymore, and already I feel that people gossip about me. My sleeping pattern has gotten worse, and I haven't turned up to Uni for a week now, and even didn't hand in my last two assignments even though I did them. Also, I don't know how to pay rent tomorrow morning, whiiich is in about 4 hours.

Stressed, confused, homesick, broke and missing people. But also, happy that I have been blessed with such a rich and wonderful life. Thank you Lord for shelter, food and education despite these minute problems.

Alsooo, watched Black Swan tonight, and I must say that it wasn't as bad as people made it out to be. It wasn't too disturbing (I have seen worse) and the symbolism was quite obvious throughout. Natalie Portman's acting was incredibly impressive, so I would recommend it to people on the basis of that! I watched The Intouchables too, and I enjoyed it. Very heartwarming.

Okay, that's all I wanted to say :)

A girl crush.

Can I just profess my love for Drew Barrymore for a while? I usually don't do this, but she blows my mind with her beauty, grace and happiness. Ever since I was little, she has been my favorite actress because I loved that she wasn't ashamed to be silly and vulnerable. What makes her more appealing to me is that she had an incredibly rough childhood, and to see her blossom into this inspiring woman encourages me deeply. Just reading her pearls of wisdom instantly makes me want to be a better person, and also to be happier. I can relate in some ways to her life, and I feel a fresh breeze of motivation for life coming on. Sounds so silly because she is a mega celebrity and I am talking about her like I know her! I don't have many people I can look up to, but hands down she is one of them. Just wanted to share some quotes of hers... I hope it will lift you up as much as it lifted me.

“I think happiness is what makes you pretty. Period. Happy people are beautiful. They become like a mirror and they reflect that happiness.”  

“If you don't take risks, you'll have a wasted soul.” 

“In the end, some of your greatest pains become your greatest strengths.”  

“There's something liberating about not pretending. Dare to embarrass yourself. Risk.” 

“When I lay my head on the pillow at night, I can say I was a decent person today. That's when I feel beautiful.”  

“I am fundamentally happy. Everyone has experiences that makes them cynical, jaded or unhappy - you just have to fight those things off. I have totally emotional days when I cry and get insecure. PMS weirded out, doomed and tragic. I mean, I'm definitely not just a lollipop, happy in the wind girl. I'm human just like everyone else, but I think that it would be tragic to be on your deathbed and think, 'I could've I should've.' That gets me out of bed everyday. I can't even last like an hour in bed in the morning. I have to get out there and live.” 

“God made a very obvious choice when he made me voluptuous; why would I go against what he decided for me? My limbs work, so I'm not going to complain about the way my body is shaped.”

"I love romance. I'm a sucker for it. I love it so much. It's pathetic."

"There's a tremendous difference between alone and lonely. You could be lonely in a group of people. I like being alone. I like eating by myself. I go home at night and just watch a movie or hang out with my dog. I have to exert myself and really say, oh God, I've got to see my friends 'cause I'm too content being by myself."

"I've always said that one night, I'm going to find myself in some field somewhere, I'm standing on grass, and it's raining, and I'm with the person I love, and I know I'm at the very point I've been dreaming of getting to."

"I pray to be like the ocean, with soft currents, maybe waves at times. More and more, I want the consistency rather than the highs and the lows."

"You can't live your life blaming your failures on your parents and what they did or didn't do for you. You're dealt the cards that you're dealt. I realized it was a waste of time to be angry at my parents and feel sorry for myself."

"I never want to get to the point where it's all about my needs, and the hell with anybody else."

And love is all that I need, and I found it there in your heart.

I wish I was brave enough to tell him that I love him deeply, even though I know he doesn't feel the same way.

I wish I didn't miss him so much, even though he is thousands and thousands of miles away.

My words are true... nothing could change what you mean to me.

     Listen to: Joe Coffee - Heaven (DJ Sammy Cover)

Eyes like sky.

I said "I wish you could see the ocean"

He said "I wish you could see hope"

I said "Have you ever seen the mountains?"

He said "No, but my faith could move those"

I said "I wish you could see the stars"

He told me I should see love.

Frank Ocean - Eyes Like Sky

Yesterday felt like the worst day of my life because I finally lost my heart to someone who does not want it. This person was and is the love of my life and someone I can't imagine my life without. I always had hope that maybe one day something would work out between him and I, but the little hope I had for us was dashed completely that day. 

People asked me in the past how I kept holding on when everything was lost. I held on because I knew that he was worth giving myself to. Now, the everything I gave to him was rejected for another girl and I can't help but fall into an abyss of depression again. My mind has been swarming with probing, unanswered questions and negative thoughts. I kept telling myself this wasn't happening and that he will come back to me one day. I know in my head that it is now impossible, even though my heart still wants to keep holding on. I have trudged on for so long to keep our relationship alive, and now that he is gone forever, I do not know what to do with myself anymore. It is like I have hit a wall where the pieces don't fit anymore. 

I have cried and cried, and thought and thought if this life is still worth living when I always keep getting torn and ripped apart by people, by men. I keep getting flashbacks of our argument, of his words which felt like he was twisting and wringing my heart out of all life. 

Today, I couldn't wake up, I couldn't eat and I couldn't talk to anyone. I feel utterly rejected and worthless. People always tell me, 'Give it time.' But to me, it means nothing. I get so frustrated when I hear this, because time is what I do not have. I cannot just wait to have my heart healed. I want numbness, forgetfulness and healing now because this hurts so much. It hurts more than when my parents abused me, more than when I was sexually abused, more than when I was an empty soul from running from men to men when I was a teenager. It is the pain of lost love and hopelessness - the biggest defeat in my eyes.

I look forward, four years of University ahead of me starting tomorrow, and I cannot do it. I do not have the strength or motivation to do this anymore, to follow my dreams, to imagine a better future. I don't want to live here in Wellington anymore, I want to go back to Auckland, to my room, far away from this place that is all tainted with our memories together and now with his betrayal. The kisses, the holding of hands, the arguments, the nights spent holding each other, the eye contact, the smell of his body, the laughs, the tears... it is all so overwhelming knowing that it is lost, that they are things which can never happen again. It is even more difficult that I am living here where it all happened. Everything I see, everywhere I go, every building, every song, every seat, every restaurant reminds me of him and it makes me very sad. I just want to sleep for days... better yet, I want to go Home.

How do I live and carry on now, with little to nothing of my heart and soul left? I have borne too much pain in this life, enough of it. My God has to take me Home now, He just has to.

Jonathan Dalton