Little things like these.

As I was walking down the Wellington waterfront one beautiful Saturday afternoon, I saw a couple with their kid. They were standing near some seagulls and were trying to get the kid close enough to take a picture with them. To some people, this scene seems mundane. But to me, at that moment it was magical, and instantaneously I felt a strong desire in my heart to have that one day. To have a husband and a kid, to go to the waterfront and take pictures with seagulls, all rugged up in jackets and scarves and beanies and backpacks. I am surprised that I felt this way because I love my independence and without a doubt marriage and kids scare me. Maybe I am beginning to warm up to it.

Currently listening to: Clarity (Zedd Union Remix) - Zedd feat. Foxes

On Her Way

Goodmorning! ♥

The past couple weeks I feel I have been stretched a little thin. I felt bitterness and resentment toward people, even if they did the slightest thing which should not have annoyed me in the first place at all. When it gets to that point, I know I need to take a step back from everything and check myself before I wreck myself. Ultimately, what has helped me get myself out of such destructive thoughts has been God. Somehow, when I come into His presence or read His word, I feel a peace that He is all I ever really need. He will give me the love, the compassion and the patience I need to deal with people everyday. It helps knowing that the people you come across in your everyday life are meant to be, and in that case, God's grace is sufficient enough for you to soldier through the day. Also, here are some quotes that have warmed my heart and given me much needed encouragement. Most are from a blog I have mentioned here before called On Her Way which is a quote and inspiration blog that I adore. Be blessed!

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable.
Be honest and transparent anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People who really want help may attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt.
Give the world your best anyway."

Mother Teresa, Meditations from a Simple Path

"Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

Harold Whitman

"I think a beautiful woman is someone who is confident but not competitive with other women - someone who is warm to everyone. Because my mother told me ever since I can remember that beauty is from within, that looks will fade. I have always been aware that you have to have something deeper to be really beautiful."

Beyonce
 
"Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That’s what little girls are made of; the hell with sugar and spice."

Unknown

 "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

Elizabeth Kubler Ross

"A great burden was lifted from my shoulders the day I realized that no one owes me anything."

Harry Browne

 "I was neurotic for years. I was anxious and depressed and selfish. Everyone kept telling me to change. I resented them and I agreed with them, and I wanted to change, but simply couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. Then one day someone said to me, “Don’t change. I love you just as you are.” Those words were music to my ears: “Don’t change, Don’t change. Don’t change … I love you as you are.” I relaxed. I came alive. And suddenly I changed!"

Anthony de Mello

"The greatness comes not when things go always good for you. But the greatness comes when you’re really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes. Because only if you’ve been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain."

Richard M. Nixon

"Stay close to anything that makes you glad that you are alive."

Hafiz

"It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to say no to someone you love. It’s okay to say no to a friend. It’s okay to say no to a parent or child. It’s okay to say no to a job or relationship. It’s okay to say no to sexual advances. And it’s okay to say no to a person who’s romantically interested in you. Even if it hurts someone’s feelings, even if you disappoint people, even if you’re judged and ostracized — it’s okay to say no to anything and anyone that causes you pain or makes you uncomfortable... You’re allowed to set limits and boundaries. And you deserve to make your happiness and wellbeing a priority. You don’t ever have to settle for something or someone that doesn’t feel right. And you definitely don’t have to compromise yourself for the sake of making other people happy. You have to take care of yourself, and if that means saying no, it’s more than okay."
Daniell Koepke

 "The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before."

Albert Einstein

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

"May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds."

 Edward Abbey

 
"Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

Jack Kerouac

"Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough."

 Oprah Winfrey

"You are the only person who is in charge of how you feel about yourself. Nobody else can possibly do that. You get to decide if you believe you are beautiful or not, and nobody can take it away from you. If someone suggests that you aren’t beautiful, you can consider how sad it is that they have such a limited view of beauty. You can consider how unfortunate it is that they have such an exaggerated sense of self-importance that they think you should care about what they think. You can also choose to realize that it has nothing at all to do with your beauty and everything to do with their limitations."
Ragen Chastain

"It's through mistakes and wrong turns that we find our way to the truth."

Yours truly

"If you decide to take just a moment, just a moment to get still, to clear your mind, to open your heart, to listen to that sacred voice that guides you, that protects you, that knows and loves you, you are going to have a good day."

Iyanla Vanzant

"Decide in your heart of hearts what really excites and challenges you, and start moving your life in that direction. Every decision you make, from what you eat to what you do with your time tonight, turns you into who you are tomorrow, and the day after that. Look at who you want to be, and start sculpting yourself into that person. You may not get exactly where you thought you’d be, but you will be doing things that suit you in a profession you believe in. Don’t let life randomly kick you into the adult you don’t want to become."

  Chris Hadfields 

 "No one can depress you. No one can make you anxious. No one can hurt your feelings. No one can make you anything other than what you allow inside."

Max Ehrmann, Staying on The Path 

"I’ve noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters. They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren’t determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they’re satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world."

Beth Clark, Kisses from Katie

"What’s difficult in life is to stay centered when somebody does or says something that tempts us to close our hearts because their heart was closed. That is hard. But that is also how we grow. We go through those circumstances in order to evolve into people who can hold to our loving center no matter what the world throws us."

Marianne Williamson

Listen to: Draw Near - Bethel Music

Truly, madly, deeply.

It dawned on me today how much things have changed and how fast they are changing, even as I sit pondering it. It makes me sad. It makes me wish that I could go back in time and hold onto what was lost, to replay those moments in the past that still haunt me today.

Have you ever seen the new, re-created movie The Great Gatsby? I decided one Friday night to take myself on a date (cheesy, I know) for coffee and a movie, the most perfect combination ever. I decided to watch The Great Gatsby, and I don't regret it. That movie was the best movie I have seen in a cinema and captivated my heart from start to finish. Prior to watching it, I thought it was going to be a movie far away from genuine human emotion or experience, but I was stunned with how much I actually related to it and felt with the protagonist, Gatsby. For those of you who haven't seen it, I won't go into details. I will just say that Gatsby is truly, madly and deeply in love with a girl named Daisy. I must admit, at the end I cried because it turns out that, unlike most love stories, love didn't win in this particular one.

It made me think a lot later on that night and it made me miss my first love terribly. Maybe I moved to Wellington because of him? Maybe I made sure I was too busy trying to convince myself and everyone else that I moved here for myself so I didn't have to face the reality that it was a gaping lie? Maybe. But definitely, like Gatsby, I am trying to hold onto the past and consequently putting too much hope in the illusion that what is lost can be gained again. I am the undoing of myself.

When I was on the plane returning to Wellington two and a half weeks ago from Auckland, it was a grey day and my heart was sad to leave Auckland. For all I knew, I was flying back to a tainted city, a place of heartbreak, a place where everything around me reminds me that I have lost. Ever since I arrived here, when I walk out of my apartment, I get nervous. I'm scared I will see him, with or without his girlfriend, and I'm scared about how I will react. I make sure I look nice every time I set out in hopes that I will see him, but every time I go home a pang of sadness weighs me down because I didn't. I look at his picture almost everyday so that I don't forget what he looks like. I have been wondering whether or not it is terribly romantic or terribly creepy to wait outside his work for the chance that I might just see his warm face again. I dream about him constantly and have had sleepless nights thinking about him, what was and what could have been. Knowing all the while that his girlfriend gets to spend everyday with him is difficult for me. It doesn't bother me much that they live together or even that they make love to each other. What makes it unbearable at times is knowing that he is holding her at night when I would give everything I own away for that opportunity again.

This is the longest period of time that we haven't seen or talked to each other. I realized one night ago that it has been almost 8 months since my heart broke finding out that he was in a relationship. 8 months. For 8 months I have carried this painful truth in my heart. And it is 2 months from the day which marks the time we spent a weekend together, the weekend I fell in love with him. 5 more months and a bit and it will mark the first time I met him, 2 years ago. Time flies, don't it? 

Oh, how God knows how much I miss him, and long for him, and love him. How many prayers has He heard of me trying to bribe Him, pleading that I would give anything, even my dreams and my future husband that He has for me, if only He would give me back my lost love. I am still convinced that no girl could ever love him more than I do, but I know there is nothing I can do anymore, and the powerlessness I feel is defeating me. 

If I think about things like this too much, I start getting anxious. But it is one of those days where the past seems sadder than it usually does. It seems like I can go down many roads in life to avoid those consuming thoughts, but in the end, it always leads me back to him.

 

Currently listening to: Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy

Long due update.

Hello! 

I haven't posted in a while, and yet so much has happened. Here are all my thoughts and feelings, jumbled, tossed about and requiring a kind soul to accept it as it is...

I am in Auckland right now! And it feels so wonderful to be home, despite a minor set back. I love seeing all my friends (old and new), my family and relatives, my big room with lots of sunlight coming in, being well fed (I gained 3-5 kilograms, no lie! All I did was eat McDonalds and Wendys every night and I felt glorious), and mostly, I love just being home. The person who said that you never know what you got til' it's gone couldn't have spoken more truth. I feel so humbled, so grateful that I have a home where there is shelter and food, as opposed to people that cannot afford such luxury. Being in Wellington, I couldn't eat much, and even though I joke to my friends about starving sometimes, in that moment where you feel like you want to steal food, it is no joke. I feel for people who have it way, way worse than me, who actually do scavage and beg for food because they have no other resort. For a person to take down their pride and beg is beyond what I can fathom and it pains my heart to see that. In no way am I saying that I know what a homeless person feels like, nor am I levelling my experiences with theirs. I just feel more empathetic and more happy to give to them. Really, I learnt that what you give to them is your responsibility. What they do with it, is theirs. Simple as that. I realize that the only people that make homeless people look bad is us.
I cannot wait to go back to Wellington though, I miss it strangely. I absolutely love that city and it's going to be good to finally start working on the non-profit organization that has been my dream for years! I have been inactive for too long and I am itching to work full-time and start making my dreams into a reality.

One thing that has touched my heart lately is the question of how someone can live each day of their life with perfect purpose, in a way so that that person won't have any regrets when they are on their deathbed. It's a tough question for me. But I am starting to realize that we can't keep hoping that at the end of our lives there will be a happy ending. Instead, it is far more realistic to hope (and make) good days. I think that when we strive to make the most of a day, loving and nurturing your relationships and allowing to be loved in return, it will all add up, and that will give us our happy ending.
I came across this wonderful article from The Guardian this morning, which strangely enough my friend showed me weeks ago, and we were discussing it in deep thought. Here it is:

"There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?"

If this doesn't make someone sad but at the same time pumped to live a better life, then I don't know what will. Isn't it fascinating? It made me really think and hasten to start tackling my regrets now. The one that struck me the most was the 'I wish that I had let myself be happier' regret. The profound, yet stupidly simple, mantra that happiness is a choice never, ever struck me until a couple weeks ago. You know that moment when you hear something and it strikes a chord in your heart that leaves you feeling so numb with wonder but silly at the same time for not realizing it earlier? That was what it did for me. Like a child trying to grasp a foreign concept, I had an epiphany that this, that happiness is a choice, was actually true. Happiness is a switch, and I am the master of that switch. No one can turn it on and off without my consent. I choose. I choose if I am happy or not. I choose. I choose.
I also realized that if someone told me that I was going to die right now, I would regret being so harsh on my sister. I get so worried, so stressed about how to mother and father her, that I in the process I stifle her. It pains me to know that I made her grow up too fast. I realized that I needed to let her enjoy being immature and rebellious and crazy, but to also set boundaries and let her know the consequences of those actions. Other than this, I really have no regret in life. I am proud of how I got to where I am now, and I love where I am now! I'm glad I followed my heart and intuition so far.

What are your regrets?