Furious Love.

It may be an hour and a half long, but it is absolutely worth the watch. A video about God's furious love in a world of darkness which has shaken me and blessed me like none other.
Watch it here.

It's okay not to feel okay.

I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by all the amount of assignments and to-do lists that came out of nowhere just after my 4 week holiday, which, if I am being honest, wasn't such a good idea because of just that - it was a holiday. Now I'm stuck in holiday mode where the most energy I am used to exerting in a day is getting out of bed to make coffee when I should be studying and getting those assignments done. Harvard psychologist Jerome Bruner says, 'You're more likely to act yourself into feeling; than feel yourself into action.' Boy, I wish that I could really believe that. In more exciting news, I got a job! Seriously, praise God - He has blessed me so much. This past year I have re-learnt the importance of having faith and trust in Him despite not knowing how things are going to work out or if He will really come through for me. I've ackowledged that I've got to throw that doubt out the window and just...believe. So, with the new job and the hectic term of exams (which will no doubt in my mind be studied for last minute), my mind is going a little haywire. Nothing me and my Jesus can't take on, though. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Everyday I've got to load up the PMA (positive mental attitude, f.y.i.).

I've also gotten into a good habit of doing a Bible reading plan which came with the new Bible I got recently. I havn't felt this enthused about reading God's Word in a long time and I'm enjoying it so much. I love opening to a story and learning something wonderful while also getting inspired by those men and women of God in ancient times. The faith, the love, the complete and helpless trust in God they had humbles me and pushes me to have that kind of relationship with God. Best story in the reading plan I've read so far? Jacob working 7 years to marry the lady he loved, Rachel.

I'm not too sure why, but with everything that has been going on I've become a recluse. I'd have to make a completely seperate post to explain that, though. All I have to say now is that my values and morals in life have become more concrete now. I'm going through that phase where I'm experiencing the wonderful but dreadful feeling of anticipation of watching the dust that has been agitated for so long settle down more. And if that means being a recluse, at the end of the day, it really is okay to feel how I feel...it really is okay to not be okay.

Listen to: David Dallas - Caught in a Daze feat. Freddie Gibbs

Running.

Today I didn't feel human. I couldn't feel, or, I didn't know what to feel. That hole inside my heart keeps getting a little deeper and that confusion about what to do to fill that hole keeps getting harder to bear.

I thought back to when I was a child, and I wish my father nurtured me and told me he loved me and cared about me. I wish my brother looked out for me and protected me. The truth is, a truth that I've learnt ever since I was 13 to get over, was that they didn't do any of these things, rather they did quite the opposite. Time and time again over my teenage years and even before then, I have felt rejection, both as a soul and a body. And as some of you know, I run from man to man to fulfil that need for acceptance. For me, to feel validate, to feel like a woman, is to feel men's lust for me. To be physically intimate with a man is something I crave and seek. I can't stop, and yet everytime it happens I get emptier. The funny thing is, I am terrified of committment. Sometimes I think that the reason why I have been single my whole life is not because I am willing to be patient for the right man God has in store for me, but rather because I am scared of being in a relationship with just one man when I could be having fun with others. However, something deep inside me tells me that this is not true.

I'm running, running out of patience and respect with myself and with men. More so with myself. Lately I have been feeling so ugly and second-best. My confidence is depleting, and everytime I get some sort of self-esteem boost it always manages to wither down again. My ezcema is something that people don't realise is a huge problem to me. I have had it ever since I was little and there are scars everywhere on my body to prove it. I don't wear anything that shows my skin, like a simple pair of shorts or a singlit, because when I stand in front of a mirror I cringe - if I am so taken aback with the skin I have had for 19 years, what makes me think that people will not be either? It has gotten a lot worse this year and this is the sole reason why I hate summer - I can't wear clothes that reveal even my shoulders. In a way, it has been a blessing, too. I am more modest because of it, and I know I would be more trashily dressed if I didn't have it.

Despite my feelings of being used, of worthlessness and loneliness, God's gentle voice rang out of nowhere today and told me that His love was all I was searching for and that He was waiting for me. Reading this post you may be able to put all of my broken peices together and try fix me, but I know. I know how messed up I am and I know God is my husband and that He is longing for me to find my worth and value in Him instead of taking it to a man. But all I have shown Him is unfaithfulness. I cannot tell you how many times I have run away from His perfect love for me. It seems like I have a problem committing to such an unfamiliar and strange concept. It sounds so utterly silly - why would anyone be scared of love? - but I'm afraid, you see. I'm afraid of rejection, I'm afraid of the monster living inside me waiting to run away again.
I do not want to sleep tonite. Bad dreams and memories seem to attack me when I close my eyes.

Thank you Jesus,

for my all my wonderful, sweet-lovin' friends;

for Anja, who loves and lifts me up more than I deserve,
for Hala, who give me the giggles everytime,
for Ling, who teaches me how to act like a lady and think like a boss,
for Jayesh, who brings out my wild side,
and for Linda, who warms my heart so much.

Thank you for my new bible,
for the fresh-smelling new carpet and wallpaper in my room,
for blankets to keep me warm at night when it's raining heavy outside,
for watching me closely when I go out (thank you for the sweet car parkings, too),
for a mumma who loves me and shows me how to love others the same,
and for the trees I see outside my window when I open my eyes in the morning.

I love you.

Currently listening to: The Ghost Inside - Between The Lines