Saturday, October 20, 2012

These eyes...

I hate you, honestly, how I hate you. You make my blood boil and stomach churn. Sometimes you make me so angry and upset that I hyperventilate and shake all over. You make me sick, you make me want to push you so hard that you fall. I can't even look at you sometimes and when you touch me I shudder. I wish so many bad things on you, and I have never done that to someone before. You are scum and I hate you.
But God, how I miss you.


Currently listening to: India Arie - These Eyes

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Thursday, October 4, 2012

The band that changed my life.

I woke up this morning to find out that my favourite band Underoath have decided to disband and are doing a farewell tour the very next week. My first thoughts were disbelief, because they have been together for 15 years and is one of the very few bands that actually means something to me. They quite literally saved my life and changed me for the better.

When I was 14, I was battling with something very internal that no one knew about except my best friend. I was struggling with depression from the physical, mental and sexual abuse that had happened to me as a child and were still happening. Because I was raised in a religious Christian home and environment, I thought that it was abnormal for me to be feeling like this. I shut out the world, and I remember days when I would close my curtains shut, sleep and never want to wake up. I remember this time, after I had been out with friends, I came home and bent down and all fours and started crying for no apparent reason. I just wanted to go Home.
Those days in the dark when I felt like there was no hope left, when I felt extremely suicidal, when I felt so alone and when I was distant from God, Underoath was my consolation. Their album 'Define The Great Line' guided me back into the light in my depression and helped me cling onto that thin thread of hope with all my might even when I felt all was lost. Underoath's music made me believe that I could make it through this battle and win. Their music made me believe there was still beauty in life. Their music made me believe that what I was feeling didn't isolate me, it made me human. Most of all, Underoath made me believe that there was still hope and that you gotta fight through the bad times to get to the good. As a 14 year old, for music to say, 'You are not alone' had the biggest impact on me. Not only did they help me through depression (from which I am now healed from!), they opened up for me the world of hardcore and metalcore music. Underoath helped build my love for music for which I am ever thankful.

So, they weren't just a band to me, a band that didn't mean anything or had little impact. They saved me, gave me hope in the darkest time of my life, led me back to God and ultimately began the healing in my heart. I am so grateful that I got to see them twice (they are mind blowing live) and even got to meet them. You have no idea how hysterical and excited I was to meet them! I started hyperventilating and I blubbered to each of the band members, half in excitement and half in tears, telling them how they saved me and gushing the 'I am your biggest fan' line.
I am not going to cry and be sad that Underoath's time is over - I am going to smile because I was blessed to know them and become just one of the millions of fans impacted and changed forever by their music.

Friday, September 28, 2012

I'm not lucky, I'm blessed.

Tonite I watched a documentary on China called 'Discovery Atlas: China Revealed.' It followed people from different walks in life in the new, modern China where communism is out and capitalism is in. I don't think a video has pulled so many emotions in me. One minute I am outraged, the next I am crying with laughter and a sense of nostalgia. I miss that country so much, from the food to the people, to the romantic cities and dirty streets, to the traditions and fashion. A few things especially pulled at my heartstrings, and here are my thoughts and ramblings that were inspired by the video.

I am incredibly, incredibly proud to be Chinese. Having been there twice and experienced the culture, as well as having a lot of family there, I have gained so much wisdom and gratefulness. I haven't been to China and experienced the wonderful country as a rich person. Instead, I experienced China more so like a poor to middle class person and it gave me life lessons that I will never forget. Most of my family in China live in shanty villages or tiny apartments only a little more bigger than my room, but they are more than generous and define the word resourceful. They treated me with incredible hospitality and were just happy, fun-loving people. My aunt and uncle in particular are people I really look up to. They don't have much, only a small one bedroom apartment, but they are some of the funniest people I know. They really know how to joke and make everything amusing, and they treated me like a princess when I was there by myself. I also have family in Vietnam, and this one time years ago, my family and I went to visit them. They lived as peasants on a farm and because they were so poor, my mum cried. It broke my heart to see that, but it also opened my eyes at the same time. There's a secret to happiness that they have found that so many westerners have not. My relatives are poor and do not have much, but what they do that we do different is that they put family above everything else. They find fulfillment in hospitality and helping each other. Westerners are out there to gain independent success, gain material wealth, add more 0's to their paycheck, drive the fanciest cars and wear the fanciest clothes. Isn't it funny that people who have everything are depressed and suicidal, whereas people who have nothing but have found meaning in family are the happiest people on the planet? There's something to it that I will never forget, but it's something that I have to remind myself everyday. It's like I am pushing against waves and waves of what is the materialistic and shallow culture that we live in today. I have to remind myself that things do not matter, for they are just temporary, breakable, perishable. People matter, all the time, because what you invest into them will reap eternal rewards and what they invest into you will grow for a lifetime.

One man in the documentary moved from his countryside village to the big city that is Shanghai to earn more money to support his family as a window cleaner. He sacrificed seeing his baby daughter grow up so he could help his family and father and give them money. He said that one day he wants to be able to buy and drive his own car one day, and then he'd know he'd made it. It made me sad to hear that, because he already had happiness - he just didn't realize it yet. At the same time, I was washed with gratefulness. I am so blessed and thankful that my mum has a stable job and makes money to support my whole family without having to move away or miss my childhood. I am grateful that we have 4 cars and had the money to afford it. I am grateful.

A 12 year old girl in the documentary was in hopes for training for the upcoming Beijing Olympics, but first had to make it onto the team. She trained since she was 2 years old just to be selected for the Olympic team, the dream to represent her country and win the gold pushing her to a staggering dedication and commitment level I hardly see here. Her family didn't know if this was the right thing, but her father pushed her and pushed her to continue the hard work in hopes that she will one day be an Olympic champion. It was cringing to see blisters covering her entire palms, the pain in her face and look of disappointment when her coach and father did not encourage her, but put her down when she didn't do her best. I am so blessed and thankful that my parents do not push me into a certain career, but let me make my own decisions about my life as long as I'm happy. I'm grateful that I had a childhood growing up and that I live in a country where I have the freedom to make choices and where I have opportunities to succeed in life. I am grateful that I have been encouraged and nourished in my life by beautiful people and that when I failed, they picked me up again. I am grateful that I did not have a nation's hope on my shoulders... but that people didn't expect so much from me at just 12 years old.

One woman in the documentary was a police officer and helped stopped drug trafficking. When the drug smugglers were caught, the penalty was a death sentence. She was successful in her career, however, her mother worried for her as she was single because no man could understand her dedication to her career, and also because she was scared that it was the wrong career choice for her. I am grateful that here, drug smuggling does not mean a death penalty... I am grateful that we have second chances here, but I am heartbroken that it isn't the same way in China. I am grateful that I have people supportive of my dreams. I am grateful that I am young and still have a long way to go in finding a husband who will cherish, love and respect me and my career choice.

Another woman lives in Shanghai. Her job is competitive, and the culture there is that the more beautiful you are, the better your career will go. For example, if there was a choice between two women for a job and they both had the same qualifications, the better looking one would get the job. This woman decides to get plastic surgery so she would be more successful in her job. It stunned me. I am grateful, so grateful that God and people around me have put the idea in me that looks do not get you everywhere, but hard work, dedication and commitment can. I am grateful that I have a hardworking mother to look up to who has taught me that steady hands can mean success. I am grateful that I do not have to get plastic surgery to succeed in life. I am heartbroken that any woman would think that altering the beautiful person she naturally is would help her get around in life. I agree that it helps, but it is not important and by no means worth going through surgery for.

In China, there is still unfairness, harshness and moral deficiency, and all countries do have that to a level, but it seems that China has it one of the worst. It makes me really sad to see what goes on in my country... but at the same time it puts in me a level of gratitude that I have never felt before. I'm not lucky, I'm blessed beyond belief. And that blessing that has been so generously imparted on me is not because I am better than any other person, but it is imparted so that I can too be a blessing. Blessed to be a blessing. Again, I am reminded that I have been given a lot, and what has been given to me, much will be expected. My encouragement to you all is to remind yourselves to be grateful for what you have and who you have around you because people in countries like China do not have it half as good. Everything in your life that is good and beautiful has been imparted by God for you to use it to be a blessing to others. Lastly, let's cherish what we have and enjoy the life and freedom we have been given!

Currently listening to: Mumford & Sons - Timshel