"I don't want to let go, but my hands are hurting to hold the rope."

Someone once asked me if I was happy. I told that person that I wasn't yet. And he said to me that sometimes he felt a burden for me, as if I wasn't happy or that I'd had a hard life.

I am on my knees and the world is on my back, weighing me down and trying to break me and crush me and tell me that my life is not worth it anymore. The weight feels like it's growing heavier every day, and I fear that the pressure will be too much to handle for me to want to go on living anymore.

The love I have given with all my heart, mind and strength has gone to waste. It hurts more than anyone knows. I am still in love, but he is with another girl. The routine of my everyday work life is slowly ridding me of my joy and my health has been getting worse. My family life has never been easy, and sometimes I wonder where the hope is in mine and if there will ever be one. I am like a puzzle that will never fit into the world. I will never fit into the party, drinking and one-night-stand lifestyle, and I cannot seem to fit in with the Christian lifestyle either. I am lost and belonging to nowhere. I call to God but he's not there. It seems like everyone is moving on, and I am here, still and hurting. There must be something wrong with me, I believe firmly, if every man in my life has treated me like dirt and walked all over me. There's an ugly constant comparison issue I struggle with everyday because life has proven to me that I am not worthy of a man's respect.

Lately, I have been thinking of dark and suicidal thoughts - how I can do it, what I should leave behind and when I can finally end this pain in my heart. When I think about this, my eyes start to well up with tears as it is doing now. I wake up into a misery sometimes and my mind floods with thoughts and questions... What really is there to live for? This pain is too much. This past is too much. The future is too much. Why do I have to keep on living, only to endure people hurting me more and living in regret and sadness? The pain could end if I choose to. I want to be rid of this world, this dark and hurting world. I want to be gone from people and never see another face again or know another heart again because of fear. I'm sick of people whose lives are so small and revolve around things that are completely meaningless, whose lives are revolved around greed and jealousy and materialism.  I hate people who aren't aware of the world's problems and chooses to ignore it. I hate the status quo and how I am sucked into it. I hate who I have become. There is some kind of light on the other side, but it is too hard for me to carry on toward it. If I give up... well, it would be so easy, wouldn't it?

I am so tired. Inwardly, I am struggling to be alive. Outwardly, I am struggling to keep my back straight and my face happy. I want to break down everywhere I am and I keep myself strong, only just. But why do I carry on?