A time you thought about ending your own life.

I had heavy depression a few years ago when I had family problems and had a hard time dealing with my past and forgiving certain people. I also felt incredibly lonely and felt like life was not worth living. I used to sleep all day and night, too tired and sad to go to school and not communicating with anyone. It was during this time I thought a lot about ending my own life. However, it was also during this time I was emailing my best friend about all of this. If it wasn't for her and her encouraging words of hope, it would be possible I wouldn't be here right now. She helped me get back on track with God, even though it took a long time. She once said to me, 'Don't lose hope. It's the anchor for your soul.' And in the end, I never did. Another thing that helped me get better was music, particularly Underoath's album Define The Great Line. I related to the album more than I related to anything else at the time and felt comfort and solace in it. If you are also struggling with depression, I encourage you to find support, even though you don't want to. I didn't want to talk to a councillor or get any proffessional help and still don't, but I talked to a friend and that was the best thing I ever did to help this pain.
I still have mild depression and think about ending my life at times, but I have hope now. I have forgiven those who hurt me and my past no longer has a strong grip on my life anymore. It doesn't hurt me to think about it. I still consider myself somewhat lonely in the sense that I don't like people very much and prefer spending time with myself than being around people. If I do spend time with people, I am quite picky about it. I have good friends but they can only help me so much. I actually think I wouldn't mind if I didn't have any friends. I consider myself very independant.

Listen to: Underoath - Salminir

Your views on religion.

I already made a post about this which you can read:

here

Currently listening to: New Found Glory - Hold My Hand

Wings like eagles.

I don't think I have ever been this tired in my life.

The new job at the cafe at Auckland Airport is somewhere I am proud of working at, but it's harder than I thought it would be. Because the airport is a 24/7 business, the hours at the cafe are crazy. I was told I would have 4am starts and unpredictable hours, but I didn't consider that. Waking up at 1.30am this morning after an uncomfortable two hours sleep and driving to work at 4am is different. It feels weird putting on make-up and getting dressed at such an ungodly hour. I waitressed and did the kitchen work for a straight 7 hours, so when I came home, feet sore and hurting to move a muscle, I fell into my bed and woke up to find it was night time.

A few times I have thought to myself, 'Why did I take this job? I am not happy. I am tired.' But you know, I need the money, and I am grateful to God for providing me one. I remember telling God that if this is the job that he had in mind for me, to let me get it, and I did. I just need to toughen up and draw on his strength daily. Besides, one of the upsides of working at the airport is that there are good-looking foreigners that come to the cafe constantly.

There is no need to complain.

"Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people."
Philippians 2:14-15

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31

"He blew strength in my backbone."

Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I'll be honest, I don't know alot about drugs. I know some drugs can be really bad for you, and I know some aren't so effective. I've seen somewhere that certain drugs can actually be good for you or help you in some way, so I think if it is improving your life somehow to take it all in moderation. Obviously if you do drugs constantly that is going to show and possibly ruin your life. I'm not a regular druggie. In fact, I have hardly ever done it in my life. I have friends who do it occasionally and they're not screwed up because of it (not yet anyway). It opens your mind up in a way. However, if I were to choose one side of the argument, I would say it is not something I condone. I am talking out of head knowledge here, but it seems to mess up people more than help people.
Alcohol is a hard topic to really get a grip of. On one hand if you take it all in moderation it's fine. But I have known cases of people falling into a coma because of heavy drinking and never waking up again. It dehydrates your body and decreases your health. I have had an experience where I drunk too much one night and I started vommitting blood. I had to go to a hospital and take a lot of medication to feel better. There are countless times that I have embarrassed myself, lost dignity and did shaming things because I was on the influence of alcohol. Yet I still do it often. It's hard- I know that it is bad for me and only ends up doing more bad than good, yet I feel dependant on it for me to have a good time and be more sociable and funny. It is something I need to reprogramme in my life: you don't need alcohol to have a good time, to feel better about yourself. It's true, I know it, but that's not what society says is it? Society tells us that drunk is cool, drunk is how you party, drunk is the only way you will have a fun time. But I've seen alcohol kill, ruin families and ruin individuals when abused.
I say drugs and alcohol are not substances I like or endorse. If your puporses to take drugs and drink alcohol is reasonable and sensible, I think all in moderation is okay.

Currently listening to: Band of Horses - Factory