I get jealous when I see a mother and daughter embracing and saying 'I love you' to each other... when I see a father who spends time with his children and have play fights with them... when I see a brother who is protective of his sister... and it sounds silly, but also when my friend's parents call them to ask them when they are coming home. Because my parents have never done that even though I won't get home til early in the morning sometimes. I wish that I'd had more discipline in my life, but I raised myself more than my parents raised me.
It's deeply disappointing that my mum is never home and that I have taken responsibility of raising my little sister. I am in no way motherly and it gets me down when I know I am not doing a good job of taking care of her. I love my mum, and I know she has been through so many hardships, but I wish she were there for us kids more... to feed us and teach us and spend more time with us. When she is home, however, you can just feel a incredibly grown presence of safety and love that only a mother can exude. I know my mum has it hard as my dad treats her like crap, and a lot of the time she takes her stress out on me, but nevertheless her aura is comforting.
I hate that my dad is never there. His gambling problem is sickening, and sometimes I don't see him for days due to it. I hate that he steals everyone's money only to lose it all. I hate that he is jobless and all he does when he is home is sit on the computer or watch TV. I hate that he treats everyone, especially my mum, with no respect. He acts like he owns the house and everyone has to respect him, when he doesn't make any money, never pays the bills and never helps around the house. Even though he is by no means the head of the house, my mum still has to fear and obey him even though it should be the other way around as twisted as it is.
I hate that my brother has followed in his footsteps. I remember days when my dad would beat my mum up and my brother would try to defend her, but instead he would end up getting beaten up too. No one taught my brother that hitting women is not okay, and now he's violent and disrespectful to them. Just like my dad, he's becoming a lying, money hungry, thieving and abusive person. I wish my brother had a better role model so that he didn't have to spiral out of control, but it's just such a sad fact of life that a lot of the times, a dad is not worthy to look up to. I have experienced upsetting things from my brother, like him ripping my clothes up, breaking my CDs and more recently stealing a lot of things from my room and selling them. My ipod, laptop case, mobile phone and such things have gone missing and no matter how many times I confront it he swears at me and calls me nasty names. It's like talking to a brick wall and I know he's beyond my reach to help. It's a dreading feeling when you have to hide your own stuff in your own room in your own home.
I wish, that for the sake of my sister, my family would be better people. I can see that sometimes her innocence is ruined at just 11 years old, and I can see cracks of my family in her, which is not a good thing.
I am harsh and honest about my family because that's the way it is, and I am sick of it. I always hear about 'dysfunctional' families and how it's crazy at times, but at the end of the day they all love each other. It's different in my family. There has been so much screwed up, twisted history that I feel we have gone past the line of dysfunctional, and worse yet is that we don't even like each other. It's hurtful and shaming for me that I was born into this kind of family and not a loving, strong one. It is hard for me to believe I can amount to anything when all my family are thieves, drunks, gamblers and money greedy people, even though they go to church. People ask me why I say I don't want to get married or have a family, and this is why. Why, when so many marriages are unhappy and abusive ones? And why bring a child into a dark and twisted world where they will continue the cycle of hurt and sin?
I'm so keen to move out and get away from this broken home once and for all. To leave my mum so that I can give her one less thing to worry about and one less mouth to feed. To leave and never see my 'dad' again, who I have no love or respect for. To leave a thieving, abusive brother and not worry all the time what he stole and sold from my room. I want to leave this deep pain in my heart left from a family won by the dark. Where is God in such a place?
<3 xo
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