Redeeming.

I know some of you know that dreadful feeling, when the one person that you never thought would hurt you, does. To me, the worst thing someone can do to me is gain my trust, know everything about my past, and yet still betray and hurt me. Tonight, I felt this kind of pain and a sense of loneliness that went to the extent of what I have never felt before. In my head, I have never been more happy to leave Auckland once and for all. I can't wait to go to Wellington, leave away bad friends, bad people, a bad family and the bad past I have lived here. I cried and I cried, knowing that I had no one to cry to. Knowing that there was nothing that was worth living for anymore. Knowing my best friends are not there when I needed them the most. Knowing that, unlike movies where the antagonist breaks down once and everything in their life falls perfectly after that, I'd had more than my fair share of tears. I have never cried so much in my life than in the past year. It seems like every time something goes right in my life, a break down is right around the corner. It seems like everything is falling apart so quickly that I have no idea where to begin fixing, or even if I should bother trying to pick up the pieces anymore. And no matter how far I run to get away from these problems, I know that at the end of the day the problem is me. I know a lot of you can relate, and I wish I had the answer to your problems and make it go away. If God gave me the choice to die so that everything in your life would get better, I would. But unfortunately, and fortunately, God is not that kind of God. He's so wonderful that he can let us go through these struggles because he's cheering us on to get to the other side, more stronger, more beautiful, more purer. I know that if I am not going through these trials now, His plan for my life will never come into fruition.

I re-read the prophecies that I was given while I was studying at Bible college, and the words that God spoke through these prophets and prophetesses were like refreshing, cold water upon my soul. I felt the water run through my heart, and it reassured me that there are better things to come and that my life has a purpose, even when everything right now is slowly breaking apart. I remember, when a man of God named Len Butner was giving me a prophecy, he told me that I will tell people that my God is a redeeming God. When he said the word 'redeeming,' it was as if he was almost about to cry. His voice shook and his eyes watered. To see such a valiant man of God nearly break down at such a word was something that I will never forget. I can imagine that his life is a beautiful story of a God who threw his past in the ocean, forgave him even though he was unforgiving and loved him even though he was unloving.

I know my God did the same for me. I was a broken and empty soul, never would I have thought that I could get out of the lifestyle I was living. Because I was abused mentally, physically and sexually, I went off the rails trying desperately to fill the void in my heart with anyone who showed me even the slightest amount of love. I was drinking at 14, doing drugs and underage clubbing a little later, giving myself to men and letting them do whatever they wanted with me. I was depressed and thought of suicide at 15, on my knees begging God to take me home because I was so tired of this world. He rescued me and He saved me.
He waited for me and told me to come home, even though I ran away from him, not hundreds of times, but thousands.
He loved me so damn much and forgave me every single day of my life, even though I was disgustingly hateful and unforgiving.
He embraced me when I came back, but never closed the door when I wanted to leave.
He healed me from my depression and He took me away from the destructive life I was leading, even though I deserved to die from my sin.
He took away my suicidal and dark thoughts, He conquered all the demons that had lived in my soul and he replaced it with his Hope.
He let me drown in His grace and His love, and in all my life I have never found the bottom to it.

My God is a redeeming God. And if His grace saved me and loved me and embraced me and forgave me despite all this, I know there is nothing, nothing that you or I are facing that he won't do the same.

  

Currently listening to: The Ember Days - Fingerpainting