Friday, May 24, 2013

Long due update.

Hello! 

I haven't posted in a while, and yet so much has happened. Here are all my thoughts and feelings, jumbled, tossed about and requiring a kind soul to accept it as it is...

I am in Auckland right now! And it feels so wonderful to be home, despite a minor set back. I love seeing all my friends (old and new), my family and relatives, my big room with lots of sunlight coming in, being well fed (I gained 3-5 kilograms, no lie! All I did was eat McDonalds and Wendys every night and I felt glorious), and mostly, I love just being home. The person who said that you never know what you got til' it's gone couldn't have spoken more truth. I feel so humbled, so grateful that I have a home where there is shelter and food, as opposed to people that cannot afford such luxury. Being in Wellington, I couldn't eat much, and even though I joke to my friends about starving sometimes, in that moment where you feel like you want to steal food, it is no joke. I feel for people who have it way, way worse than me, who actually do scavage and beg for food because they have no other resort. For a person to take down their pride and beg is beyond what I can fathom and it pains my heart to see that. In no way am I saying that I know what a homeless person feels like, nor am I levelling my experiences with theirs. I just feel more empathetic and more happy to give to them. Really, I learnt that what you give to them is your responsibility. What they do with it, is theirs. Simple as that. I realize that the only people that make homeless people look bad is us.
I cannot wait to go back to Wellington though, I miss it strangely. I absolutely love that city and it's going to be good to finally start working on the non-profit organization that has been my dream for years! I have been inactive for too long and I am itching to work full-time and start making my dreams into a reality.

One thing that has touched my heart lately is the question of how someone can live each day of their life with perfect purpose, in a way so that that person won't have any regrets when they are on their deathbed. It's a tough question for me. But I am starting to realize that we can't keep hoping that at the end of our lives there will be a happy ending. Instead, it is far more realistic to hope (and make) good days. I think that when we strive to make the most of a day, loving and nurturing your relationships and allowing to be loved in return, it will all add up, and that will give us our happy ending.
I came across this wonderful article from The Guardian this morning, which strangely enough my friend showed me weeks ago, and we were discussing it in deep thought. Here it is:

"There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.
Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."
Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."
What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?"
If this doesn't make someone sad but at the same time pumped to live a better life, then I don't know what will. Isn't it fascinating? It made me really think and hasten to start tackling my regrets now. The one that struck me the most was the 'I wish that I had let myself be happier' regret. The profound, yet stupidly simple, mantra that happiness is a choice never, ever struck me until a couple weeks ago. You know that moment when you hear something and it strikes a chord in your heart that leaves you feeling so numb with wonder but silly at the same time for not realizing it earlier? That was what it did for me. Like a child trying to grasp a foreign concept, I had an epiphany that this, that happiness is a choice, was actually true. Happiness is a switch, and I am the master of that switch. No one can turn it on and off without my consent. I choose. I choose if I am happy or not. I choose. I choose.
I also realized that if someone told me that I was going to die right now, I would regret being so harsh on my sister. I get so worried, so stressed about how to mother and father her, that I in the process I stifle her. It pains me to know that I made her grow up too fast. I realized that I needed to let her enjoy being immature and rebellious and crazy, but to also set boundaries and let her know the consequences of those actions. Other than this, I really have no regret in life. I am proud of how I got to where I am now, and I love where I am now! I'm glad I followed my heart and intuition so far.

What are your regrets?