My 2011.

This year I have taken giant leaps forward...and eventually a giant leap back.
For the most part of 2011, I learnt a lot about myself, but I especially, and mostly, I learnt a lot about God.

I went through a very tough time during the beginning of the year when everything in my life felt like it was going down a whirlpool. I had just came back from China and had the plans to go to University and study communications, a dream that I had been adament of acheiving ever since I was in year 11. However, there were multiple reasons why I was unable to do it, and so I relied on God to lead me somewhere where he wanted me to be. Looking back, all that time I had my own dreams, I never took into account if it clashed with God's will. It's never easy, giving up your own ambitions, your parent's ambitions for you and your friends ambitions for you to pursue God's ambitions for you where most of the time, you are thrusted into the unknown. However, that lead me to Bible college. That's not to say life became easier since I started. I had $2000 owing plus other debts I didn't have the means to pay off. My friends didn't help me in the way I expected them too. My family left me alone to deal with my anxiety. My depression was stronger than ever. And just like I always did, I filled up that aching darkness in my heart with the world. It was really only through Bible college and the help of supportive people that I began to see a change in my heart and lifestyle. I can't begin to tell you how Bible college has changed my life. Everyday I learnt something new - about myself, about how I see the world, about how I see the Bible. Most of all, it taught me who God is. Reminiscing back to those days when I was studying, I remember the indescribable joy and peace I had from learning about and loving him, and allowing him to love me back.

It was only toward the end of the year that I could look back and see how God was really fighting for me through those trials and battles. He taught me to trust him, and through that trust came deliverance. He gave me the me the means to pay off all those debts. He delievered me from depression and now I am fully healed from it. He gave me opportunities to share my testimony and helps others who are in the same situation I was in. He opened his heart to me and I found joy in learning about his very being.

Even though I am backslidden, even though I feel like I don't even know where my faith is or who God is anymore, I can't tell anybody about how my year has really been without telling them about this. Do I long for those days again? Do I long to have my faith restored again? Yeah, I do, more than anything. I trust that I will return home again, but my only fear is when, and if it will be too late when I do.

To conclude, my 2011 has been one of battle. Not in any physical way at all, but most definitely in a spiritual sense. The battle of the forces of evil and the forces of good in my life has been thunderous this year, and looking back I do feel like I have been pulled back and forth between the two realms. It's sad to think that I was never really won, and that's what is most distressing of all. Anyway, enough with the depressing banter - I hope you all have a great new years! If 2011 was quite terrible, I hope 2012 will be so much better. And if your 2011 was great, I hope 2012 will be greater. Much love to you all!

Currently listening to: Bon Iver - Perth

Wilheim Scream.

"I don't know about my dreams anymore...all that I know is I'm falling, falling, falling."

Where can I begin? First of all, I want to be honest with everyone who is reading this right now - you are going to be the first to know what is going on in my life right now. It may seem like I am being dramatic, but I'm used to knowing that people don't really care about me or how I am apart from a couple of people I trust in the world more than anything. Isn't it sad that I don't begin to tell anyone but a blog all my deepest thoughts and worries? Maybe it's because a blog doesn't have a mind to judge or a mouth to condemn. Anyway, I feel safe being vulnerable here, and so I will be.

Ever since I came back from Wellington to see one of my good friends, I suddenly felt an abrupt change in the way I thought, spoke and act. That weekend in Wellington was one of the most craziest weekends I've ever had. Even though I prayed before I left that I would stay grounded, I knew in my heart I wouldn't, and I didn't. Drinking every day, clubbing, little sleep, pills, hook-ups and vanity were all mixed into that one weekend, and I couldn't help but be influenced by the people that surrounded me while I was there. Landing in Auckland, I didn't know how much I was changed by that brief lifestyle. I suddenly wanted to be like them - I wanted to feel and look hot, I wanted to party every chance I got, I wanted to play with boys and gain a reputation with them, regardless if it was good or bad. Most astounding of all, I found that my faith in God was almost completely lost. And maybe it still is. This terrifies me admitting it, but I feel like a demon has taken over my mind and it's darkness has shrouded what my faith means and everything I once believed in.

Suddenly, I put all my money into looking good.
I play with guys every chance I get.
I don't value sex or my body anymore.
My desire to go out and fill my body with toxic substances is increasing.
I'm ashamed of going to Bible college and don't even mention it anymore. And if I do, I shove it off like it's embarrassing.
Most heartbreakingly, I don't talk about God anymore, and I don't stand up for him. It's like I'm repellent of everything to do with Christianity now. The light and the goodness frightens me and I don't want to go near it.

Sitting here right now, I am wondering how 19 years of a relationship with God could be thrown away in a matter of 4 days. Can you sense how frightened I am? I'm anxious that I don't love God anymore. I have asked him to fight for me. I told him that if he loves me and I am valueble to him, that he will rescue me. But I have heard nothing, I have seen nothing, I have felt little.
I feel like my life is slowly swirling down the drain. I need your prayers so desperately. There is nothing I want more in this world right now than your prayer.

Someone please pray for me.

I'm starting to lose my faith. Everything I believe in is dying.

Relationships, Job & Martin Luther

When I tell people that I haven't been in a relationship yet, I'm greeted with bewildered amusement. I laugh it off all the time, but if I am being truthful, there is a part of me deep inside that feels a little sad everytime I say it. I assume that people don't understand that it is a painful thing for me, trying to keep single in my teenage years, because I'm a lover at heart. While there have been times I have been known to 'hook up' with different guys and act flirty and outrageous as a single woman, at the end of the day, my heart still longs for someone to come home to and call mine.
It's also not to say that I havn't had my share of boy troubles. There have been many times I was close to dating someone, when something bad would happen and it would just end. While I've had my fair share of tears and 'I-hate-boys' rants, I truly thank God for all those near misses. I can't say how grateful I am that, particularly in regards to my love life, God has been a true father to me, guiding me and protecting me from all the men that weren't the ones He had in mind for me. Without Him, without His gentle voice telling me 'Wait' when I see someone I'm interested in, I would be a relationship trainwreck right now, and I definitely wouldn't be a virgin. I'm glad to say that because I stayed single my whole life, I will not accept anything less than who God has in store for me. I want that special boy to be worth the wait and every ache in my heart I have had for one.
Bearing this in mind, it makes my most recent boy trouble not look so depressing. It turns out this nice, lovely boy I was interested in and vice versa had a girlfriend. While I did have a huge rant to my girlfriend on the phone about how angry I was and how I always attracted jerks, and while I did want to punch him square in the face, I opened my Bible a short while afterwards and, in the light of what I learnt that evening, realised that it was not at all important. The story I read that changed my heart was about Job remaining faithful to God despite his traumatizing suffering:

"Then he fell to the ground in worship and said, 'Naked I came fom my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
(Job 1:21)

For some reason, that particular verse and that particular passage made me emotional. I don't know why, but it may have something to do with the recent and strange desire to know who God is lately - not what He says or what He does, but His heart. This scene, where Job fell to the ground and praised God after he lost his possessions and his sons and daughters within the day demonstrated his true knowledge of who God is. Job knew God's heart. He knew beyond mere knowledge that God was faithful, loved him beyond words and would never do anything to harm him. Job sought God's heart, and he found it, trusted in it and stood upon it in the midst if dreadful suffering. Isn't that beautiful? To say on your knees, 'May God be praised!' in the midst of your worst fears in life unraveling? My prayer that night was that I will seek God's heart and find it, too.
So, after reading this humbling story and gaining fresh insight, I gained more perspective about my situation with the boy and realised that this was yet another example of how God was protecting me from future heartache. The best thing to do, I thought, was not to 'play' him back, or punch him in the face for that matter, but to move on gracefully and in brighter hopes that I'm drawing nearer to the one. What I know I must focus on now is not trying to find my future husband, but rather, finding God's heart first.

In other news, I have recently finished reading an autobiography on Martin Luther the German reformer. This was a great inspiration to me. It will never cease to amaze me how valiant, faithful, honest, prayerful and zealous Luther was. His unshakable firmness to the Word of God despite the amount of powerful foes he attracted both in Germany and in the Roman empire has inspired me to stand up for God the same, maybe not on the scale and influence that he did, but I hope with the same heart. Here are some excerpts of quotes from Martin Luther:

"Go forward, Christian soldier;
Fear not the secret foe,
Far more o'er thee are watching
Than human eyes can know;
Trust only Christ thy captain,
Cease not to watch and pray,
Head not the treacherous voices
That lure thy soul away."

-

"In a service which Thy love appoints,
There are no bonds for me:
For my secret heart is taught the truth
That makes Thy people free;
And a life of self-renouncing love,
Is a life of liberty."

-

"Though numerous hosts of mighty foes,
Though earth and hell my way oppose;
He safely leads my soul along,
His loving-kindness, oh, how strong!

When troubles, like a gloomy cloud,
Have gathered thick, and thunder'd loud;
Her near my soul has always stood,
His loving-kindness, oh, how good!"

Currently listening to: Shooting Stars - Sovereign

Hello friends,

I realised the other night I hadn't posted in a long time, so this is just another update on my life and why I havn't been on here in a while.

Recently, I've been swamped up with work and school. I'm only in my first week into the job (which thankfully involves music), but I'm working 30 hours a week aswell as 20 hours of class a week excluding study hours. Some people love this kind of fast-paced lifestyle, but this isn't working for me on a number of reasons. First, my alone time is a priority in my life and being around people for most of my day drains me out and makes me more snappy around them. Secondly, I'd rather work than go class, so I havn't been going to school (which could mean I could fail my whole semester if I keep doing that). Thirdly and lastly, I'm just generally tired. My body isn't used to being on the go constantly, so when I don't have work or school, I just want to sleep. And when I sleep, I wake up every now and then thinking about random bands and organising their CDs in alphabetical order!

On the other hand, I'm blessed for a number of reasons too. The job I have isn't back-breaking - in fact, it's really enjoyable and I'm doing something I love. My manager and co-workers are super lovely too, and they are flexible with when I can work and when I can't. School is finishing in a few weeks time too, so I'm very excited for holidays to begin. I've decided I'm going to work all holidays and take days off for all the exciting concerts and festivals happening this summer, which brings me to my next point...Bon Iver is playing in Wellington in February! Oh, I am so happy they are coming :) If there were a few bands I wanted to see before I died, they would be one of them. I can't wait. Most of all, everything that has been happening is stretching me as a person. I've found that it's how I handle the small things which test my real morals and attitudes in life.

Also, last week, I had the wonderful opportunity to share my personal testimony to a church. Even though I was nervous, I was encouraged and strengthened by the Holy Spirit, and I think it went well. Thankfully, the people were very receptive and gave me great feedback afterwards. I'm speaking to another church next month. I'm really just humbled by the doors God is opening for me. I'm hoping that my testimony can help or encourage someone going through the same situation as me.

Anyway, this is what is happening in my life for the most part, aside from all the usual boy and family troubles. Even though it's been stressful and fast-paced, like that song I-don't-know-the-name-of says, 'Isn't it good to be alive?' Here's a picture I took yesterday morning when I woke up and looked outside my window. I had never seen the sky so blue and the clouds so orange. It was beautiful. No doubt, my Papa was reminding me of how much He loved me and how constant and faithful He is. Things like this assure me I really do stand on sufficient grace.

Currently listening to: Sara Barielles - Winter Song (Ft. Ingrid Michaelson)

Furious Love.

It may be an hour and a half long, but it is absolutely worth the watch. A video about God's furious love in a world of darkness which has shaken me and blessed me like none other.
Watch it here.

It's okay not to feel okay.

I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by all the amount of assignments and to-do lists that came out of nowhere just after my 4 week holiday, which, if I am being honest, wasn't such a good idea because of just that - it was a holiday. Now I'm stuck in holiday mode where the most energy I am used to exerting in a day is getting out of bed to make coffee when I should be studying and getting those assignments done. Harvard psychologist Jerome Bruner says, 'You're more likely to act yourself into feeling; than feel yourself into action.' Boy, I wish that I could really believe that. In more exciting news, I got a job! Seriously, praise God - He has blessed me so much. This past year I have re-learnt the importance of having faith and trust in Him despite not knowing how things are going to work out or if He will really come through for me. I've ackowledged that I've got to throw that doubt out the window and just...believe. So, with the new job and the hectic term of exams (which will no doubt in my mind be studied for last minute), my mind is going a little haywire. Nothing me and my Jesus can't take on, though. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Everyday I've got to load up the PMA (positive mental attitude, f.y.i.).

I've also gotten into a good habit of doing a Bible reading plan which came with the new Bible I got recently. I havn't felt this enthused about reading God's Word in a long time and I'm enjoying it so much. I love opening to a story and learning something wonderful while also getting inspired by those men and women of God in ancient times. The faith, the love, the complete and helpless trust in God they had humbles me and pushes me to have that kind of relationship with God. Best story in the reading plan I've read so far? Jacob working 7 years to marry the lady he loved, Rachel.

I'm not too sure why, but with everything that has been going on I've become a recluse. I'd have to make a completely seperate post to explain that, though. All I have to say now is that my values and morals in life have become more concrete now. I'm going through that phase where I'm experiencing the wonderful but dreadful feeling of anticipation of watching the dust that has been agitated for so long settle down more. And if that means being a recluse, at the end of the day, it really is okay to feel how I feel...it really is okay to not be okay.

Listen to: David Dallas - Caught in a Daze feat. Freddie Gibbs

Running.

Today I didn't feel human. I couldn't feel, or, I didn't know what to feel. That hole inside my heart keeps getting a little deeper and that confusion about what to do to fill that hole keeps getting harder to bear.

I thought back to when I was a child, and I wish my father nurtured me and told me he loved me and cared about me. I wish my brother looked out for me and protected me. The truth is, a truth that I've learnt ever since I was 13 to get over, was that they didn't do any of these things, rather they did quite the opposite. Time and time again over my teenage years and even before then, I have felt rejection, both as a soul and a body. And as some of you know, I run from man to man to fulfil that need for acceptance. For me, to feel validate, to feel like a woman, is to feel men's lust for me. To be physically intimate with a man is something I crave and seek. I can't stop, and yet everytime it happens I get emptier. The funny thing is, I am terrified of committment. Sometimes I think that the reason why I have been single my whole life is not because I am willing to be patient for the right man God has in store for me, but rather because I am scared of being in a relationship with just one man when I could be having fun with others. However, something deep inside me tells me that this is not true.

I'm running, running out of patience and respect with myself and with men. More so with myself. Lately I have been feeling so ugly and second-best. My confidence is depleting, and everytime I get some sort of self-esteem boost it always manages to wither down again. My ezcema is something that people don't realise is a huge problem to me. I have had it ever since I was little and there are scars everywhere on my body to prove it. I don't wear anything that shows my skin, like a simple pair of shorts or a singlit, because when I stand in front of a mirror I cringe - if I am so taken aback with the skin I have had for 19 years, what makes me think that people will not be either? It has gotten a lot worse this year and this is the sole reason why I hate summer - I can't wear clothes that reveal even my shoulders. In a way, it has been a blessing, too. I am more modest because of it, and I know I would be more trashily dressed if I didn't have it.

Despite my feelings of being used, of worthlessness and loneliness, God's gentle voice rang out of nowhere today and told me that His love was all I was searching for and that He was waiting for me. Reading this post you may be able to put all of my broken peices together and try fix me, but I know. I know how messed up I am and I know God is my husband and that He is longing for me to find my worth and value in Him instead of taking it to a man. But all I have shown Him is unfaithfulness. I cannot tell you how many times I have run away from His perfect love for me. It seems like I have a problem committing to such an unfamiliar and strange concept. It sounds so utterly silly - why would anyone be scared of love? - but I'm afraid, you see. I'm afraid of rejection, I'm afraid of the monster living inside me waiting to run away again.
I do not want to sleep tonite. Bad dreams and memories seem to attack me when I close my eyes.

Thank you Jesus,

for my all my wonderful, sweet-lovin' friends;

for Anja, who loves and lifts me up more than I deserve,
for Hala, who give me the giggles everytime,
for Ling, who teaches me how to act like a lady and think like a boss,
for Jayesh, who brings out my wild side,
and for Linda, who warms my heart so much.

Thank you for my new bible,
for the fresh-smelling new carpet and wallpaper in my room,
for blankets to keep me warm at night when it's raining heavy outside,
for watching me closely when I go out (thank you for the sweet car parkings, too),
for a mumma who loves me and shows me how to love others the same,
and for the trees I see outside my window when I open my eyes in the morning.

I love you.

Currently listening to: The Ghost Inside - Between The Lines

My weekend...

...has been superb!

On Friday it was my 19th birthday. I went to the beach and a bush walk with my sister and at night I had dinner with one of my good girlfriends at the best sushi place in town. We had drinks afterwards, and that part was an utter downbuzz, but the next day made up for it - dinner with my best friend Anja, who I hadn't seen in months. It was such a beautiful and fun night. I can say that I am genuinely spoilt and loved. I adore my friends so much.
Tonite, the All Blacks beat Australia in the semi-finals and we are now advancing to the Rugby World Cup Finals against France :D Oh, I am so proud of them! It may not seem like I like rugby, but I'm the girl jumping up and down on the couch when our team scores a try. All Black forever and ever amen.
I hope everyone's weekend has been awesome!

Currently listening to: blink-182 - Snake Charmer

Dear boy,

Maybe I am just feeling a little lonely, but I miss talking to you. Even though things are a little awkward now, I still think you are such a kind and lovely boy. We may not get to kiss and hold hands and watch movies in bed like couples do, but I wish that we can be friends, because I think we would make great ones.
I will never find the courage to tell you in real life, but I sincerely hope that you are happy. I hope that you find a pretty girl who loves your band and reads books with you. I hope you get to see your parents one day. I hope that one day you can finally quit your job and travel the world. You were nothing but wonderful to me, and I miss talking to you.

Love,

Jenny.

'Are you fighting for me Lord?' 'Everyday.'

Last week I was talking to a good friend on the phone and she said to me that she thought Bible college was a waste of time and to go to University and get a degree. Someone important to me also said it was a waste of money. It sounds crazy, but, aswell as being humbled by their honesty, I am hugely encouraged by what they said. I am 110% sure, with all of my heart, that this is where I'm supposed to be. And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I know that I wouldn't be happy if I go to University because there is nothing more fulfilling than waking up everyday to learn about the One who first loved me. Yes, it is challanging and most days it tires me out, and yes I have considered from time to time whether spending my time and money learning about the Bible was beneficial, but a series of revelations has told me that God is going to use this course to change my life and prepare me for what is ahead. I believe that where I am at the very moment in my life is all part of God's plan.

I guess that those seemingly negative comments are comforting to me because if I didn't get any, then I would worry. Where God has put you, there are bound to be people who won't understand or agree and even do things to stop you from walking in His path. Additionally, what my beloved ones said are affirming my doing something different with my life. Most of my friends and I don't have the same values. I'm not striving to get rich, to get a nice house with a nice family. I'm not looking to get famous and attain excessive material wealth. Heck, I don't even know what I want to do with my life just yet, but I know that trying to catch the wind isn't it. God will reveal to me His plans in His time.

In the meantime, this quote is relevant, and I couldn't have put what I'm feeling into better words myself:

"You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too. No, I think there was too rigid a pattern. You came out of an education and are supposed to know your vocation. Your vocation is fixed, and maybe ten years later you find you are not a teacher anymore or you’re not a painter anymore. It may happen. It has happened. I mean Gauguin decided at a certain point he wasn’t a banker anymore; he was a painter. And so he walked away from banking. I think we have a right to change course. But society is the one that keeps demanding that we fit in and not disturb things. They would like you to fit in right away so that things work now."
Anaïs Nin

Currently listening to: Copeland - California

If.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Rudyard Kipling

Oh dear.

I feel yuck, yuck, yuck today :(

The Office and tea makes everything better.

Currently listening to: Bon Iver - Michicant

Last words.

This is a video I want to share with everyone about a man who died of cancer on May 16th, 2010. He left behind an inspiring message: 'God is God. And God is good.'

Watch it here.

Fresh inspiration 2.

Jason from The Ember Days posted this on Facebook this morning (Note: Spelling grammers etc I found were edited):

The call to love. Jesus emphasized over and over again that the most important thing or doctrine that we should place over every other (the first and greatest commandment) is, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength and love your neighbor as Christ has loved you."

We have all heard that our entire lives growing up in church. It seems like a no brainer, most people think they get it. I don't think we get it at all. This is a call to unconditional love. A love that is not helped back by different doctrines or belief systems. Jesus' love is not based upon your performance or your theology. He loves because it is who he is and he has called us to do the same.

Imagine for a moment that churches loved each other like they love and show kindness to their own denomination. If we are called to love and bless our enemies, surely you would expect we are meant to bless our own brothers. Jesus said if you hate your brother you live in death. Far out... I think there is a lot of people living in a place of death. I think a lot of the body of Christ right now is living in death and proud of it.

Why do churches split? Denominations divide? Theology, sin and around human nature. The thing is if we are called to unconditional love and to bless even our enemies. Our love to our brothers should be unchanged even if they have different thoughts on the end times, gay marriage, or whatever. You are post-modern you may think... nope. The responsibility is to love no matter what theology people have. Is truth important? Yes, truth is to be pursued, that is Jesus. But at the end of the day, the pursuit of knowledge and truth does not take away from the first and greatest commandment... To LOVE. 1 Corinthians 13:2 says, "If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing."

The Lord is saying that knowledge with out love is meaningless. Even if you fathom all mysteries (if you have the understanding of God himself) and do not love like we have been called to... If love isn't our priority, we are nothing... harsh? I don't think so. I think it is just a reflection of God's priority to love his creation and for us as believers to do the same. For so long the church has been focused on being right, fathoming the mysteries, understanding prophecy eg. end times that has lead to many church splits and much division. Imagine, if the doctrine... the truth that we held closest to us was the one that Jesus told us to... the call and responsibility of the believer to show unconditional love.

How awesome would it be if the Church was known for its love for one another like Jesus prayed. I didn't see him praying that the church would be known for its correct eschatology, doctrine or theology. At the end of the the day... pursue Jesus the truth, pursue wisdom, pursue knowledge and the mysteries of the scripture, but hold unconditional love of people that believe and think differently to you higher than your opinions or revelations or what ever you believe they are. Love like crazy and that will change the world.

Currently listening to: Sleeping Giant - These Streets Don't Lie

Fresh inspiration 1.

I spent my morning getting inspired by bands' love for Jesus Christ. I watched a documentary on spirit-filled hardcore Sleeping Giant, and these are a couple of quotes from the lead singer Thom Green:

"Christianity 101 - bless your enemies. Love, fast, give, pray - bless your enemies...I was thinking about people like Martin Luther King and Mohatma Ghandi...and just by the overwhelming power of civil disobedience and standing when they're being mistreated and not responding back and retaliating - there's power in that because that's Jesus for real. There's an element of the love of God that comes out in those situations, so when you're wronged and you don't fight back, God begins to work on your behalf and...I want people to come into repentance, I want them to change their thoughts about who He is, I want them to see Him and I want them to rise up."

On commercial success:
"There's a whole culture machine behind bands and it's garbage man. There's a part where at the end of the day, if you're not closer to Jesus because of the ministry you do, can it. Just get out of there. The minute we (Sleeping Giant) start substituting money for substance and for being sincere I'm out. We're out. We're done. Cause it's a joke...We're not gonna be concerned with trying to do it like everybody else. It's not gonna happen. Not on my watch. My life is too important to me. And I've already traded some of it to corporate America and I'm not going to trade it to the culture machine."

People like Thom Green really inspire me and point me back to the substance of my faith. The line between being a 'modern' Christian and a 'worldy' Christian is so thin to me. There is this mentality amoung our generation that says it is okay to be a Christian and still get caught up in consumerism, partying, rude humour, degrading music and so forth, ONLY if on Sundays you act holier than thou and go to church. Is that okay? Have we lost what it means to be a Christian in the world today?
For me, the definition of being a Christian has been flipped upside down and shaken. The term 'Christian' isn't a label you put on yourself just because you attend church and sing in the worship band. It's not a term to be used and abused to a make you feel superior to everyone else. It's not a term gleaming with promise but when inspected is rotton inside. Christianity is a lifestyle, the way you live every moment, in every decision you make. It's in the way you think, what you do and what you say. It's gaurding your one heart from the evils of this world, even if it's denying yourself from listening to an artist that promotes sexual immorality, or choosing a skirt that's below the knee and not above the knee. It's a relationship with God which breathes love - more specifically, the love for His heart and His values.
Maybe our generation has taken grace as a ticket to sin. I think the majority of us have thought 'God will forgive me anyway' at some point in our lives before we did what we knew was wrong. But there's power in the choices you make everyday. There's power in your decision that it's okay not to drink. There's power in turning off a sex-crazed radio station. There's power in saying no to drugs. There's power in blocking porn sites on your computer. There's POWER when you choose to do what is right. When that happens, like Green says, that's Jesus for real. And when we take that stand, God moves. Not only in our lives, but in our generations. I am dreaming and hoping and praying that we can be part of a Holy Spirit empowered movement where people do not give themselves to such demonic enforced industries such porn, drugs and alcohol but to LOVE.

I am hoping that we havn't done it all wrong. I am hoping that the values that Jesus held in his heart and evidently in the way he lived would align with ours. Cause man, I am far from being a real Christian. I am far from taking my identity away from the world's hands. It's time to pray. It's time to fight.

Listen to: Sleeping Giant - The Army of the Chosen One

You fight for me when I can't fight for myself.

'I am always aware of the Lord's presence; He is near, and nothing can shake me.'

Psalm 16:8

What a beautiful morning I have had with the Lord. I listened to The Ember Days' album 'Emergency,' soaking in the glorious sunrise which filled my soul and left me breathless at the same time.

I highly recommend The Ember Days' album. You can download it for free (and legally) here.
My favourite songs are 'High Above' 'Adore' and 'Sound of You.'
Also, for all you indie folk lovers, have a listen to The Middle East. Unfortunately they are no longer together, but nonetheless their music is beautiful. My favourite track would hands down be 'Blood.'
Enjoy!


Illustration by Anna Emilia Laitinen.

Desperation.

The devil has been attacking me furiously lately, and I'm already giving in. I'm neck high in my sin.

God has shown me nothing but unwavering love, forgiveness and healing and yet I am brave enough to spit on the cross and show no gratefulness for it.
I have no words for how weak I feel and how disgusted I am with myself.

It's time to get on my knees again. It's time to bleed, sweat and cry for forgiveness again. I can't do this alone. I won't let the devil drag me down again.

Currently listening to: The Middle East - Lonely

The 10 Campaign.

70% of the world's cocoa is produced in West Africa, where many farms employ children that are trafficked and forced to work in conditions akin to slavery.

• 10 YEARS ago the biggest chocolate companies promised to get rid of child trafficking in the cocoa industry in West Africa.
• 10 YEARS on, despite their promises, we only have a tiny amount of Traffik Free chocolate.
• 10 YEARS have earned the cocoa industry £600 billion. Only 0.0075% of this has been invested into improving working conditions in West Africa.

(Picture and information taken from the STOP THE TRAFFIK website).

As long as our young brothers and sisters in West Africa are being enslaved for cocoa, we are not free either. Please help eradicate child slavery in the cocoa business by signing this petition and getting some of your mates to aswell.

Ramblings.

It's awfully easy to compare yourself with other girls. Sometimes I'll look at a lady and think, 'I'll never be like that. I am much too lonely, much too quiet, much too screwed up to be pretty and wonderful.' Other times I try to anchor myself on the truth that I am not defined by who I think I am or what I have but by God. Everlasting He is, and He calls me precious, worthy to die for and a masterpeice in my own way.

It's getting harder to allow God to strip me from me. There is this form of panic that hits me everytime I realise how much there is to sacrifice for Him. I am lying on the alter, apprehensive, worrying because for the first time I'm going to experience what it feels like to hold close to nothing. But I trust Him. God, I trust you. In my heart I know there is nothing to fear, for when I lose myself I am gaining Him.
For me, the hardest thing to give up to God is finding a man to one day call my husband. I officially gave that to God today and decided from here on out I'm going to focus on the calling that God has for my life instead. Some people are callled to be single their whole life and there is that possibility that it may be my calling too. I trust that if it is, God will help me live out single life with a pure heart. You know, thinking about it, I don't really mind if I marry or not. There is this overrated hype over it these days...or maybe I am just speaking from inexperience? Ah, all I know is that boys come as one of my last priorities now.
As uncomfortable this whole season of refining is (who knew that trying not to care about trivial things is so hard to do?), I feel so content. It is such a joy to surrender to God, sacrifice for God and please God.

Listen to: The Paper Kites - Woodland

The beginning of healing.

So much has happened since I wrote the last blog post...yeah, I am feeling a little stupid at the moment at how depressed I was. I truly hope no one got upset over it and I am sorry if you did. I mostly type up things at the whim of how I am feeling at that particular moment and sometimes I don't take caution, so forgive me. I'm thinking this blog has become too much of an online diary, haha.

Anyway, on Wednesday I had a meeting with the dean of women at my Bible college, Hope. We had the best, most healing talk about everything I was feeling and going through at the time. So often people think that when someone tells you about their problems we have to fix them by giving them advice and our own input, but what I have learnt is that healing can take place simply by listening to them. Of course, as I talked I felt this great weight off of my chest. It was so refreshing and comforting having someone who didn't interrupt me at all, didn't tell me I should or shouldn't do this or that and didn't make me feel misunderstood like I was so frequently with everyone else. After I told her about my depression, we prayed for the spirit of death to leave me in the name of Jesus. The holy spirit also moved her to pray over me to renounce the spirit of depression too. At first it didn't want to leave me, and we realised afterwards how powerful its grip was over my life, but after the second try we got it to leave my soul! Praise God!
The blood of Jesus can do incredible, wonderful things. It made me think afterwards about how much authority has been given to us. I used to think that I had no spiritual power, but I would like to encourage everyone that there is power given to you when you have the Holy Spirit living in you. You can renounce any spirits of death that take a hold of your life. Amizzle to that! I don't know if the spirit of depression has really left me yet, but I do believe a healing has really begun. God is in the business of healing and no matter how many times the devil tries to torment us there is nothing that prayer cannot cast out.

From Hope's help, I also realised why I was feeling so misanthropic this past while. The greatest area of ministry that God has called you into, the devil will greatly attack. For example, she said, if your greatest ministry is with people, the devil will try to convince you to distrust and loathe them in attempt to steer you away from God's plan for your life. I was prophesied last week that this season in my life is where God will reveal his gifts to me. My reflection is that the devil knew this. He knew that God is calling me to minister to people using the gifts he gave me and tried to destroy that. Disappointed, bitter, empty and depressed, the devil had a hold on me. But no more. God is my victory and through him I have conquered this mountain. Amen!

I feel so ready to recieve what God wants to reveal to me. I once thought in my depression that the revelation of my gifts were nothing to be excited about, but now I am pumped! Part of my preparation to receieve his blessings is God stripping away me from me. Ever since coming to Bible college, I have been refined in the fire, pruned and moulded. It is scorching, painful and uncomfortable but the effects of it all are coming into fruition now. My desire to drink, my desire to club, my desire to smoke, my desire to do drugs, my desire to have more friends and my desire to even go to gigs are slowly diminishing. It is so good and people are glad for me, except I can't help but think and cry out, 'But Lord, what will I have left?' Hope illustrated to me that we can get so caught up in trying to hold on to everything that means nothing in our lives that we miss out on the blessings that God has in store for us. We cannot receive more if our hands are already full. So, in a way, I am content with losing the life I once thought was exciting and fun. I need more of God and less of me.

I pretty much am a loner and no life at the moment. Cutting out the friends that brought me down in life and not having the desire to go out at all these days is comforting but it has also got me down. I make excuses in my head, the main one being, 'You're only 18 Jenny. It's way to early to give it all up. You should be having fun like the rest of them.' What a load of lies. I've tried it all and brokeness was my aftermath. A life lived to the fullest is a life lived in Christ.

Anyway, just thought I would share that with you. You are not a slave to your depression and you are not a slave to your addiction. The mountains in your life can be conquered. If you feel empty and that your problems will overcome you, in the words of Stephan Murray, 'Dig a little deeper.' There you will find hope you never thought existed.
Much love and hugs.

Currently listening to: Leeland - Holy Spirit Have Your Way

My own best friend.

Ever since my early teenage years, my only enjoyable company has been myself. Whenever someone asked me to hang out with them, I knew I didn't want to. If they were to ask me why I refused, I couldn't say 'because I'm hanging out with myself.' That would be social suicide! It is really not that I have social anxiety (I can be very talkative and happy), but it is moreso because I generally dislike people. Misanthropy.

This misanthropy has been so particularly strong in me these days that even I get scared. My depression has taken a hold of me once again. It is a strong grip that I have only felt once in my life before. Yes, I have been receiving encouragement from people, but at the end of the day it is completely natural for me to be strong for myself and get through these hardships myself. It works for me. People will let me down and disappoint me constantly, but I find comfort in being able to at least control what harm I do to myself.
I absolutely despise it when people think they understand me. I can't even understand myself, let alone someone who clearly does not know even a tiny smidgen of my past and how it has made me who I am today. Obviously they do not know my past for a good reason. How do they expect me to tell them my life story when they do not show caution with what they are saying? When they jump to judgements and conclusions it just shows me how immature and pretentious they are. I am always astounded when I tell someone one or two things about how I'm feeling and then they start ranting on about who I am and what I should and shouldn't do or feel, like they know me. I doubt anybody will be reading this who this applies to, but just so you know that if you are, I've already given up on talking to you about anything about my life because you're just going to judge me like you know better.

You may think I am mentally unstable (which I would agree with you) and that I need help, but I am not completely inhumane. I have a great need for understanding at this point in my life. It is just that the need for me to be alone has been deeply rooted in me for a long, long time. Without a doubt, being alone overides companionship. The actual thought of getting help or support from someone makes me feel inadequate and anxious. It is such a backwards concept, to those who love being around people and crave company constantly.

Currently listening to: The Shins - Split Needles

Do you really love me?

You say you love me, but I know you do not because your love is very conditional.

If I were to betray you, your love for me would cease.
If I were to push you away, your love for me would cease.
If I am moody towards you, your love for me would cease.
If I do not do what you ask me to do, your love for me would cease.
If I didn't listen to what you have to say, your love for me would cease.
If I punch you and hit you and kick you, your love for me would cease.
I know if I were sad and told you to come over and cheer me up, you would not. If I was stuck in the middle of the desert and I called you, you would not help me.

Your 'love' is greatest for me when it is convenient for you. So don't you say you love me. You don't. You love the idea of me.

Life's too short to surround yourself with people who will only bring you down. I'm going to surround myself with people who encourage me and lift me higher instead of using me and abusing me. Cutting those friends out of my life now.

Whoa RWC.

I went to the Rugby World Cup opening in town last night and it was the craziest thing that has ever happened in Auckland, and not necessarily in a good way either. The transport system was more disappointing than usual as people were crammed in trains or left out. Some people who were supposed to go to the first game didn't even make it at all due to the failure of the train system. Towards the end of the night the trains were delayed and thousands of people were waiting to get on. Replacement buses came but went on lockdown afterwards because someone got hit by a bus. Luckily my friend and I made it on a bus before that happened. The Auckland mayor said this morning that Auckland was not prepared for it and will (hopefully) resolve the issue by this morning. Apart from that, it was way overcrowded in Auckland city that places I were familiar with I didn't recognise at all. There was drunkeness and alcohol bottles scattering the streets, ambulances and police sirens filling the city and many people waving the Tongan flag about of course. Nevertheless, the good thing was that the All Blacks won :D Yeah! Go the might ABs! The opening ceremony at Eden Park was amazing, too! I watched the videos and was so impressed.

Anyway, I was talking to my friend about the RWC opening fter the night was over and we both agreed that it was very uncomfortable and disappointing. Uncomfortable because, as we were both Christians, the whole scene of excessive partying and drunkeness made us feel out of place as we were sober and tired. Disappointing because there were older, more 'mature' people who were comaed out or needed help to stand up. It made me sad seeing an man in his 60's surrounded by gaurds or people doing pitiful things because they were on the influence of alcohol. All we wanted to do was get home and drink tea, and I think we would have been happier if we left town early and did that instead. It reminded me that as Christians, we are supposed to be in this world but not of this world. We are supposed to feel uncomfortable and out of place amoungst a scene like Auckland city last night because it does not align with what we stand for and who we believe in.
I'll admit I am being pretty darn judgemental and hypocritical, but I'll also admit that I am just like those people on the streets and I am no better than any of them. I drink, I sometimes smoke, I have taken drugs and I have been drunk on occasions to the point where I coma out or do embarrassing things, too. It is said that because I do those things, I am a backslidden Christian and some might even say that I do not love God because of it. The last statement is extreme for me. I'll admit I am backslidden, but I am convinced that I do love God. It's hard because when people find out that I do or have done these things, they straight up judge me or tell me to stop but never ask me why I'm like this. Ever since I was 14, I have been doing illegal and shameful things. Before I was 14, I grew up with a dad and family who made me feel depressed. It's also not easy when all your friends you love do it. It's not easy breaking a habit which has loved me and destroyed me. I can relate to Paul when he said in Romans 7:15, 'I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate.'
On the other hand, God has really been working in my life ever since Bible college and I can see tangible changes in my heart already! It's really exciting. He's stripping away those desires to drink and take drugs and such because He is filling that void in my heart with His love instead. I'm learning not to want to be more or have more, and that is freeing. Although, it will take a very, very long time and I know I will fail at times. Good thing my God is a patient one!

The last thing I want to say is, please, if you are the praying type, pray for my friend Lyndon and his family who were hit by the bus last night. His little brother is going through surgery on his leg, but the rest of the family are not too physically hurt, just shocked. Thank you so much if you do.
And also, Showbread and Ascend The Hill have been added to the Parachute festival line-up next year along with The Almost and Relient K. Oh my goodness I am so excited! This is the best line-up ever!

Okay, that's all for now folks <3

Currently listening to: The Naked And Famous - Spank

:(

I am so disappointed in myself today for several reasons. Most of all, I'm disappointed in myself for leading a boy on when I was confused about how I felt about him. I led him to believe we had something going on, and now all of a sudden there is this huge burdan on my head which is making me so upset because I know he isn't the one God has in mind for me. I know he isn't going to be my husband. What's more, I know he doesn't know God. He is such a nice guy that was nothing but nice to me, yet I still flirted with him knowing well that what I was doing was wrong. I am now waiting anxiously for his reply. I hope I find the strength to tell him how stupid I was and to apologize for my disrespectful behaviour.

I can't believe how heavy this weight inside my heart is. Why so burdaning? Why do I feel so guilty and upset? I am leaving behind me a reputation with boys that is not good at all. With every boy that had interest in me or I them, something has gone wrong that ultimately left me as the bad person. Each one has left with me a negative memory or feeling that I inflicted upon myself.

Oh Lord, I can't believe I got myself into this situation again. I deserve every bad thing that is coming my way. I am angry at myself.

Yeah!

Jesus loves me :D and He loves you! Infinitely and forever and eternally and deeply and unconditionally.

Just had to get that out. In other news, today is beautiful. A bright sun, blue sky, white clouds and green grass. This is the New Zealand I love. I feel very alive today.

Edit/ Also just want to add that my Uncle is fine! He is going to do community service instead of going to jail once he's all healed up. Thank you all so much for praying.

Listen to: Foster The People - I Would Do Anything For You

Weak and unworthy,

You have saved me.

Currently listening to: Hundredth - Passion

*splutter sneeze cough*

Whoa, I am dying from coughing and blowing my nose so much :(. Being sick sucks, especially when I have copious amounts of assignments and other responsibilities to do this week.

Anyway, a lil update on my life. Last weekend I went to one of my good friend's 19th birthday party at a hotel. That was crazy because almost everyone was on something. I felt a little uncomfortable so I stayed behind while nearly everyone went out to the clubs. I'm glad I did. I stayed behind with some crack up dudes and learnt how to shuffle! Ye ye. On Sunday, I dropped off a friend to the airport as she came up for the weekend from Wellington. I dislike goodbyes, heaps.
Also, I realised overtime that the boy I had been crushing on, I don't like anymore. Seems harsh but he is a little too conservative for me. More importantly, he isn't a Christian. I want a guy I date to be stronger than me - physically, mentally and spiritually. Unfortunately, I'm unsure of that with him. I use to think that dating a non-christian would be alrite, but now I can't understand how someone would know my joy and hope and purpose in life without knowing God first, amoung many other reasons. I think we are hanging out next week, so hopefully it all goes well then.

Yup :) I hope everyone is having a rad week and you guys are not sick!

Currently listening to: Title Fight - Goldwaite

Urgent prayer request!

Hey everyone.

Today I found out that my uncle has been injured from falling down the stairs. Part of his face is paralyzed and some other parts of his body are fractured. Aswell as not being able to work, he is divorced and doesn't see his little girl often. He is also due to go to court this Friday for drunk driving on a number of occasions and it looks likely that he will be sent straight to prison for 3 months. My mum has told him about God and is encouraging him to repent and accept him but he stays silent. Please pray for him if you are inclined. He desperately needs Jesus in his life.
Pray that he will be fully healed so that he will know God. Pray that the judge will have mercy on him. Pray that he will repent and accept God into his life so that he has something to hope for and hold on to. It would be very much appreciated! I will let you guys know how it goes.

24 August, 1:34am.

Lord, I come before you. I am sorry for sinning and being destructive in my thoughts, actions and words. I ask that you will cover my heart, my mind and my mouth with Your spirit of purity so that what I think, do and say will bring glory to You and bring life to those who hear it. I give you control over my conversations and relationships. May they be fruitful Father. May the people who see this fruitfulness praise You and know that You are God.

Breathe into my bones once again.

Amen.

Like the sea.

The last thing I wanted to do today was go to course. I had no sleep and wanted to stay in bed and mindlessly surf the net but reluctantly I did. It was really one of the most significant things that has happened to me in a long time, praise God!

I was in my small group and I was talking about my MTC testimony I had to do in front of a church next Sunday. I suddenly felt deeply emotional while talking and I noticed that people had empathy for me. Afterwards, a woman named Grace told me that while she was praying for me she felt God saying 'be patient, I'll do it for you.' There are two things in my life right now I was not giving full trust to God, and it was a blessing that I had confirmation!
Another lady, Tara, came up to me and said 'there's this overwhelming love for you from God' and she told me she loved me too, even though I have only met her this month. Whatever I needed to talk about, I would only turn around and she'd be there.
On the drive back I was so joyful and astounded for His love for me. It was what I needed. I can't explain how content I am in this very moment, and I pray and hope I will be reminded of it everyday. The sun shone down on my face and warmed my heart.

I would like to remind you. Whatever your name is, whatever your weight, height, age, sex, occupation or no matter how screwed up you think you and your past are, no matter how many times you have been told you're useless and felt alone in the world, God loves you deeply and overwhelmingly. He knows you inside and out, and even before you were born He had a wonderful plan for your life, more wonderful than your wildest plans. He has your name written on His hand will take care of you when you're old and grey. I believe this with all of my heart and I encourage you, particularly those who don't know God, that there is hope and that there is someone who will never fail you or leave you. You can be truly free if only you choose to believe and accept Him into your life. No one is going to judge you. If you would like a relationship with God, don't be afraid to talk to me. I'm the most boring person ever! I'm keen to chat about my faith and to talk about your life too.

I will leave you with a quote. Breathe it in:

'Know that nothing can seperate His love for you. The past, the present, the future sins - he knows it all and yet His love and grace is so deep that if we sank in it we would never reach the bottom."

Silence is violence.

I want to get it out of my system that I am a rotton human being. I am incredibly selfish. I am two-faced, irritable, dishonest, jealous and impatient. Everyday I am tested in circumstances to see if I will counter-attack these nasty qualities, and most of the time I fail. But I will continue to fight with the strength of God to resist my flesh. Pray for me that I can.

One of the bad things about always following your heart and not your head is that you are easily swayed by how you feel. Lately I have been feeling unmotivated and havn't been going course simply because I don't feel like it. At MTC, the staff actually care if you are absent or late from class which is not really a good thing for me in this case. I don't know why all of a sudden I don't want to go class. I think one of the reasons is because everyday you have to use a lot of heart and put a lot of thought into what you are being told and for me it's draining, mentally, spiritually and sometimes physically. I think it's just something I will have to get use to though. I hope I will find the motivation soon.

All pessimism aside, I got a student loan for MTC (and I'm dreading having to pay this back!) but I am so very thankful to God for coming through for me and providing in my time of need.
It's been 3 and a 1/2 weeks since I decided to not eat meat. I have tripped up a couple of times, but other than that it hasn't been difficult. If I didn't love seafood, I would have given it up already and become an ovo-lacto vegetarian, but it is too hard for me. I think seafood is incredible and there was never a passion in my heart against the killing of sea creatures for consumption (obviously I do not condone or eat such creatures like whale or dolphin who are killed cruelly for their meat and blubber). Who knows, maybe my mind will change in time!
I miss by best girlfriends Ling and Anja, who will be in other parts of the country for a long time.
I also met a boy this week, and he's incredibly lovely. I don't know if lovely can be said about a boy, but he is. I like that he's shy and keeps his head down and how he's one of those rare boys that actually asks about you. It's a really needed and nice change from all those egotistic, sex driven, insecure and angry little boys out there. A part of me wants to hit my head on the table and tell myself to not be so naive and stupid like I was with my previous fling, but another part of me is getting butterflies and smiling thinking about him. I havn't had those butterflies in a long, long time. Nostalgia.

Also, the band Verse is amazing.

"I will no longer sway with the willows.

I will stand strong on my own.
When everyone lets me down,
I will stand strong alone.”

Hundredth - Willows

Another one.

If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
For real? I would pray about it cause I know a selfish and scared part of me would want to get an abortion straightaway.

Do you trust all of your friends?
Sadly, no.

Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Yes, if I really, truly loved that person and he's the one. And, if God says yes.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Yes I do! I'm a big believer of that.

Can you make a dollar in change right now?
I don't get itttt.

Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
Umm, Sam Zaia for some reason hahaha.

Are you afraid of falling in love?
I guess you could say that. I'm a little afraid of letting the walls around my heart down.

Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
Yeah all the time haha. It's random people most of the time too.

Whats your most favorite scar?
I don't have a favourite scar haha.

When was the last time you flew in a plane?
Feburary 13 this year, flying back from China to New Zealand =[

What did the last text message you sent say?
'Are you with Jack?'

What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex?
Eyes and smile ;]

What features do you find least attractive in the preferred sex?
Feet I guess, haha.

Fill in the blank. I love:
Music, loyal friends, nature, God, tea.

What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Find a job! And save up for my tattoo and a plane ticket to another country =]

If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
My mum and my little sister Sarah.

How many kids do you want to have?
I'm so afraid of having kids but I guess that normally comes with people my age. If I ever were to have kids I would want two and that's it. One boy and one girl =]

Would you make a good parent?
Eek I wouldn't think so! I think I'm too selfish but also over protective. I know this because I look after my sister the most and it teaches me alot about myself.

Where was your default picture taken?
In Hala's room in Hamilton.

Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
Car and transport problems for tomorrow. It always fustrates me! =/

If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I wouldn't choose to because I've learnt alot from my mistakes, but for the questions sake probably not having a friends with benefits relatinship with someone.

Who was or will be the maid of honor/ best man in your wedding?
Maid of honour would be my best friend Anja of course! <3

What are you wearing right now?
A grey singlit and grey acid washed jeans.

Favorite animal?
Wolves! Or whales. Both are badass!

Have you had the chicken pox?
Yee, when I was little. Sucked so bad haha.

Have you had a sore throat?
Yep! That's not fun either haha.

Ever had a bar fight?
Aw heck no, that's too dramatic for me.

Who knows you the best?
Anja or Sarah. =]

Ever been in a fight with your pet?
Haha I've had a disagreement if that counts? I took my dog on a walk at the park one afternoon and when I sat down it kept pulling on the leash and would not let go, probably because it wanted to roam free and not sit down with me. So I just let him go and he was obedient and nice after that haha!

Been to Mexico?
Nope, it would be rad though!

Did you buy something today?
No siree, stayed home awl day.

Did you get sick today?
Nope, I'm a toughie.

Do you miss someone today?
Yes, Jayesh! I was talking to him on chat tonite and I realised we havn't hung out in ages. But I'm seeing him tomorrow hopefully =D

Do you have a fight with someone today?
No, which is always good haha.

When is the last time you had a massage?
Around a month ago at my mum's friend's beauty clinic.

Last person to lay in your bed?
That would be Sarah.

Last person to see you cry?
Hmm...that would be Kate at church.

Who made you cry?
I think it may have been a boy =[

What was the last TV show you watched?
Friends of course!

What are your plans for the weekend?
Tomorrow I am hopefully going to a friend's 20th. Saturday I will hopefully be going to a hardcore gig at Zeal. And Sunday I am making a vegetarian dinner with Taylor. In between I will be doing assingments. Whatever happens, I hope it's a good weekend anyhow =]

Who was the last person you hung out with?
Aw it was a big group of people last night. Ashley, Josiah, Jack, Suren etc...all those people are so wonderful!

If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say?
I don't have a significant other...which is good! Boys are a little distracting I must say.

Bored. Here comes the surveys!

What is your favorite color?
Black.

What is your favorite stone or gem?
I don't have a favourite, but I think they're all very pretty.

What is your favorite brand name?
I don't have one.

What is your favorite shampoo & conditioner?
Anything by Sunsilk.

What is your favorite body wash?
Anything that smells good and is good for my skin. Probably Aveeno bodywash =]

What is your favorite lotion?
Same as above!

What is your favorite sent or perfume?
The best perfume I had was Britney Spears - Fantasy. It smells like candyfloss. Mmm!

What is your favorite electronic?
My laptop or an ipod.

What is your favorite song?
It changes all the time! But right now it would be The Breaker's Commission by For Today. Amazing blessing of a song.

What is your favorite movie?
Lords of Dogtown...duh ;]

What is your favorite T.V show?
Friends for life!

What are your favorite pair of shoes?
It would have to be my tan wedges at the moment. You can dress them up or down, they're the right height and they're comfortable to walk in.

Who is your favorite cartoon character?
Homer Simpson! He is halarious.

Who is your favorite entertainer?
Will Ferrell can get me in a good mood anytime.

What is your favorite sport?
My favourite sport to play would be hockey and my favourite sport to watch would be rugby.

What is your favorite kind of car?
Anything old school.

What is your favorite drink?
Oh that's hard to choose. It would be between soy milk and creaming soda at the moment.

What is your favorite snack?
Cheese and crackers =D

What is your favorite fruit?
Avocado <3

What is your favorite piece of jewelry?
This long bronze necklace with a long tooth at the end of it. It's not mine but I wear it all the time.

What is your favorite accessory?
My phone.

What is your favorite place to visit?
I'm going to cheat and say either beach, bushwalk or lake or river, or this lookout in Manukau where there is a beautiful view of Auckland and all its lights. If you took me to any of them it would make me happy!

What is your favorite State?
New York.

What is your favorite city?
My favourite city I've been to would be Macau in China. Fabulous in every way.

What is your favorite theme park?
Easy! Ocean Park in Hong Kong. Rides, animals, a huge underground fish tank, a dolphin show. It's amazing.

What is your favorite hotel?
I don't have one...oh well, there is this lodge in Ngongotaha which is really quaint and comfy if that counts.

What is your favorite clothes store?
A good op shop!

What is your favorite shoe store?
Novo have some pretty shoes but I also like Vans.

What is your favorite restaurant?
La Porchetta - very good Italian for cheap!

What is your favorite fast food spot?
Probably Wendys.

What is your favorite book/magazine?
Book would be Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers, magazine would be Cosmopolitan ;]

What is your favorite type of gum?
P.K all day.

What is your favorite brand of toothpaste?
I don't have one. But Colgate is usually what I use.

What is your favorite kind of toothbrush?
Haha I don't know.

What is your favorite brand of mouthwash?
Same answer as above.

What is your favorite season?
That's easy! Winter =D hot drinks, layers of warm clothes, rain...yes please!

What is your favorite day of the week?
Friday, gotta get down on Friday.

What is your favorite thing to do when celebrating your birthday?
Go to a nice dinner with my closest friends.

What is your favorite when your bored?
Listen to music or surf the internet.

What is your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep?
Listen to music and fantasize.

What is your favorite way to get revenge?
Forgive and love!

What is your favorite thing that makes you smile?
Jayesh always puts a smile on my dial =]

What is your favorite word to say?
Mean!

What is your favorite way to wear your hair?
Just natural.

What is your favorite nail color?
'Vixen' by Revlon, which is a dark crimson colour.

What is your favorite t-shirt & jeans?
I don't have a favourite t-shirt. My favourite jeans would be my classic dark blue skinny leg jeans from Just Jeans!

What is your favorite ice breaker in a conversation?
So, what do you do for a living?

What is your favorite way to get attention?
Ignoring them! Haha no that wouldn't be it. Probably just trying to have a good time and laughing lots.

What is your favorite thing about yourself?
That I am a follower of Christ! Sounds cheesy but it is what makes my life really fantastic.