This war is won.

This week was the first week of Bible College for the year. It feels nice to be back - like home. I'm so grateful that my dearest friend Anja is also studying at the same place as me, so this gives me a lot more motivation to go. It's been a fast-paced, non stop week for me since I am also working (I got the permanent part-time position! Thank God :) A typical day for me is going to College early in the morning, and then straight after that I have work till night. It's already been quite draining on me and all I want to do all the time is sleep. Goodbye social life! However, I am looking forward to seeing Bon Iver in Wellington in 2 weeks time. It's going to be surreal.

Tonite I was listening to the album 'Unbreakable' by New Zealand hardcore band 'Saving Grace.' They are my favourite NZ hardcore band by far, simply because they are spirit-filled people making spirit-filled music in an industry which is hard to be spirit-filled. One song, called 'The Determined Drunk' spoke to me, as it describes exactly what I am going through right now in my spiritual journey with God. Here it is:

"Flesh rising,

A bloodied battlefield,

Mass temptation,

A ceaseless bludgeoning,

Constant confrontation,

A flood of decadence tearing at my weaknesses.

Clawing, gnashing at my blistered heels, who can save me now? Who can save me from myself? Can you save me now?

Thus far I've only further tightened the grip of sin around my throat. No strength, no strength of mine. Only God's good mercy. Only His perfect love. (For I can do all things through Christ Jesus who gives me strength). Guilty hands are covered with the stink of sin, but perfect, precious blood takes the bitter shame away. Mercy poured out freshly, a flood of righteousness covering my brokenness. Dark deeds are swept away like crumbling ashes.

I accept my death. I embrace the cross, the thorn in my side. I embrace my weakness, the log in my eye. This is me, the face of dependency.

Lord, give me strength, for I am weak. Christ be my strength so I can overcome. I will overcome."

Currently listening to: Saving Grace - All, But The Archer

One second in this world without You and I am torn apart.

This is nothing new. It is always the same old cycle with me - I run away from God to the world and back again, and again, and again. What I have with Him is not enough it seems. I must also have the world. I've been trying to juggle the two silmultaneously since I was 14 and it has torn me apart, yet I still keep doing it. I don't know why anymore. I am so fed up with this double life I'm living. When I go to church or sing praises, all I feel is hypocrisy and fakeness in my heart because I know outside of church I am a completely different person. It's as if I have different masks I wear for different areas of my life - work, course, church, with different friends...I need to give it up, but I don't know where to begin. It feels like I have tried everything possible. I feel like I have given all my energy into being fully consecrated to God yet I am getting nowhere.

Last night I went out, drunk and embarrassed and degraded myself completely. Although it seems fun at the time, afterward I always feel defeated. On top of that, someone had smashed my car window and stole my SLR camera. Cleaning my car this morning, seeing all the shattered glass and alcohol bottles from all the nights out with my friends left me feeling disgusted - with my life and with myself. Oh God, let this be enough to make me change. This world is trying to break me and crush me and tell me I need more and my strength is ever weakening. Come, Lord. I need you!

Currently listening to: Bon Iver - Holocene