The Fear

I'm currently reading this book called 'Captivating' by Stasi and John Eldredge. It talks about how a woman's heart is so precious and how to release your heart from the chains of this world and become truly captivating and free as a woman of God.

One thing so far that has struck me heaps, and that I keep thinking about over and over, is this: the deep hurts and pains you have now come from what has happened to you in the past. Say, if your dad, mum or someone you love has said something hurtful, those mean words have contributed to your pain today.

Maybe you've heard the words 'You're useless'...and today you believe that you're not good enough for anything, that you shouldn't even try lest you fail.
Maybe you've heard the words 'You're ugly'...and today you believe that you can never be beautiful, that if someone says you are you believe that they are lying. Today you are running to clothes and boys and money for your worth, and you are stopping the light inside of you from shining because you are self-concious.
Maybe your parents or someone that you love never spent any time with you and thought you as a waste of space, and today you aren't confident to be yourself in case you are a burdan to someone too. Today you are asking the question, 'Aren't I good enough?' You think you are not deserving, and settle for second best.
Maybe you've been physically abused, and today you are ashamed of the scars. You push people around, or maybe you are angst around them. Today you are untrusting of men, you don't want to marry, and you are a skeptic of ever finding true love. The void that should of been filled by that loving male figure in your life was not, and today you are running to every boy to fill that emptiness.

It's hard to say, and even harder to say on the world wide web, that all those past hurts that I have mentioned happened to me. I want to type this blog because something inside of me is telling me too. You see, the way you are now is for a reason. The confusion, the hurts, the pain, the awful flashbacks, the terror, the constant nightmares...

And maybe like me, you have hidden your true self, the person that God wants you to be, intended you to be and lovingly made you to be. You have put on this fake image because you are afraid that people won't accept you and love you for who you truly are. Because life seems so much easier being someone else than being you. But in reality, being set free to be yourself is the only true freedom.

There's a daily devotional I read, and one of them talks about being someone else because you feel that's the only way your going to be accepted. It reads,
"When we try to impress people we think are important, we're trophy collecting. In her book, 'Glittering Images' Susan Howatch tells about a clergyman who devoted his life to always appearing godly, wise, loving and charismatic. Meanwhile his soul starves because no one knows him. 'They never met the man I keep hidden. They just meet the man on public display. I call him glittering image because he looks so good in the mirror. But beyond him...lies the angry stranger who appears in the mirror whenever the glittering image goes absent without leave.' His ministry was his trophy- and also his prison. But there's another trophy to collect- the right kind. And you don't have to outdo anyone else to get one."

What is that right trophy to collect? Well, to me, it is striving to be that wonderful person God has created you to be. Because when you are yourself, you are bringing glory to God and pleasing Him. He has made you the way you are for a special reason. He sees right through you, but He loves you for all the things His beautiful eyes do see.

Who sees your bad hair days, and loves you anyway?
Who sees the stuff ups you do every day, heck, every second, but picks you up, dusts you off, holds your hand and walks on with you anyway?
Who sees your past and the things you've done and regretted, who sees the sins you have done today and sins you will do in the future, but died for each and every one of them because He believes you are worth it? Who throws those past sins as far as the east is from the west?
Who sees your hurts and your pains and your struggles, but will be with you to the very end of time, and for eternity after that?
Who knows that you are going to fall, and softens the blow?
Who cries when you cry, hurts when you hurts, dances when you dance, laughs when you laugh, smiles when you smile?
Who listens to your rants, your complaints and your secrets you say to Him that you would never say to anyone else?
Who understands your stresses and your longings, and says that if you would just put Him first He will give you all the things you need because He knows them all?
Who looks past what you look like, and craves what's on the inside instead, despite us insulting him by saying we are fat, not good enough, not pretty enough, just not enough?
Who knows all this, yet longs for you and all of you, yet desires you, yet wants to be your Father, your friend, your saviour, your refuge?
Who...loves you so much and promises that when you walk through dark valleys, fire and deep waters that He will be with you? Who would give up whole nations to save your life? Who says that when you are weak, He will be strong for you?

You know the answer. Just say the name and believe. Believe that you can be set free from the chains of hurt and pain, and find restoration and peace of mind through Him alone. It's hard, so hard. There will be tears and you will stuff up. There will be hurts and disappointments. But that's just proof your on your way Home, because Satan does everything he can to stop you from becoming free from his grip.

I believe you can do it. I believe you're worth it. More importantly, God believes you are worth it, and that is the only thing that matters.

You don't need to put on this glittering image, beautiful child of God.
Take it off,
be yourself,
feel true liberation
and take up the life that was meant, and is waiting, for you.

Hey Unfaithful, Hey Graceful, Hey Unloving

Last night I felt the need to go out and think about stuff and get back on track with God.
I drove to a lookout in Manukau with my digi camera and I just sat there looking at the lights and reflected.

This year has been a hard year so far...bad news just keeps coming so fast. There have been so many deaths I know of that it makes me dizzy just to think about them. This world just wants to shake me and break me. Beauty is becoming so overrated, so shallow. I saw on the news last night that Victoria Secrets launched half a bikini to promote its new swimwear. The model wearing it had only a bikini bottom, and her breasts were covered by her hair. I love fashion, but I think that is just sad. If 'swimwear fashion' keeps going at the rate it is now, in a good years time we'll all be walking around naked with nothing but trendy cellotape stuck on our private bits. Haha lets hope not.

It's getting harder and harder to follow the narrow path that leads to life, and much more easier and appealing to follow the wide and easy road, the road that many take, but lead to hell. And I don't know about you, but the word love has lost all its meaning today. There is so much bad in the world that I feel like no good can conquer it. I know that this world is temporary, but the path ahead just seems so long and hard.

But amongst all this madness, this hurricane, stands the only person who is, and can be, the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. The never-changing anchor that is Jesus. He stands in the light beckoning each and every one of us to take off our heavy burdans, our pains, our problems, our tears, our hurts, our anguish, our self-loathing, our feelings of inadequacies, our insominia, our selfishness, our need to fit in with the world, our weariness...and just come as we are and rest in Him.

He is the only one we need to be accountable to, He is the only one we need to please. He needs to be the only one we live for, and die for, and cry for and shout in joy for. No one else, nothing else. In the end, it's between you and Him, not the world and you.

I want to encourage you. Take off your facade and know that you are not alone, but that you can face this harsh but world with the strength, grace, love and everything in between from Jesus and Jesus alone. He is enough. He can be your everything, if only you just trust Him.

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:1-2

These are some of the photos I took while I was at the lookout. Enjoy :)

My type of man.

I want to find a man
that uses the word beautiful to describe a girl instead of hot
who knows how to keep his mouth shut and only say what he means.
A man who isn't up himself, knowing good looks are nothing without a good heart
a man who, when his heart tells him 'she's the one,' listens to it and doesn't cheat because he is scared.
A man who would risk his life for anyone he loves, especially his girl, and doesn't mind fighting for her,
a man who has pride in who he is and where he comes from, but not to the point of cockyness.
A man who doesn't use the same pick up line on everything that moves and think that it's okay,
a man that uses his heart instead of his penis
a man who loves and smiles and laughs.
A man who understands.
A man who would not even think twice about taking advantage of a drunk girl or a vulnerable girl
a man who believes with ferocity and passion that a real man does NOT rape or hit women.
A man who feels no need to complain,
a man who is humble,
a man who desires to live his life to the fullest and be something.
A man who does not instantly assume things, but believes in the best of everything and everyone,
a man who holds a strong but quiet dignity, who understands his strength but does not use it to his advantage.
A man who is not afraid to cry.
A man who does not play with too many hearts at once for his selfish reasons, but thinks of others first before himself,
a man with a passion to serve, especially the poor and needy,
and man whose motives are not driven by money or power or sex, but by love.
A man who is not flaky, but does what he says, says what he does and keeps his promises.
A man who values sex and understands it's not something to be done with any girl off the street, but that it is a powerful, scared, spiritual and beautiful thing to be shared with that special someone.
A man who does not talk trash about a girl to his friends as if she were some kind of animal, but lets his integrity direct his conversations.
An old school gentleman who opens the door for strangers, pulls out the chair for his date, gives his jacket to his girl when she is shivering, kisses on the nose and walks his girl to her door even when it is raining. And even then he'd hold out an umbrella for her because he doesn't want her to get soaked.
A man who doesn't rate girls on their appearance, who chases (and doesn't mind it) a girl for her heart and not her body,
a man who does not give up on a girl even when it seems hopeless.
A man who understands that every single woman is beautiful,
that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
A man that doesn't treat a girl according to her past, her present, her future or how he feels at that time, but treats her how she deserves to be treated- like a princess.
A man who understands that each woman is a daughter of God, and when you mess with any one of them, you're gonna have to deal with the Big Man himself.
A man who does not lead a girl on and then crush her heart, because every time that happens, that girl will find it harder to believe in true love.
Most importantly, a man who has a fierce passion and love for Jesus
and that is his first priority in life.

I think a guy like this is hard to find. But it's what makes all the frogs you've kissed, the heartbreak, the unreturned love and phone calls, the waiting and the countless rejections, the tears and the sleepless nights...all worthwhile.

"It's like you're deaf to my voice,
but I've been here for every moment, waiting on your call to move.
If you could just make a choice, I know you would find me wanting only to be close to you.
You keep denying my lead!
Because I've tried, I've never pulled back my reach, and I've stayed and I've died, but you keep looking for me where I'm not.
I won't be just where you want me to be.
You've got to believe and just trust that I can be everything.
If you would just try and let me pry all your grips on worries,
I would come alive in your life and let you find the flight you're longing."

God

Midnight thought.

I swear I have insomnia...but lying in my bed trying to get to sleep as usual, I realised that this world is going to try and break me and conform me (Romans 12.2) but I have to stay true to myself and God. I may not feel good enough, but God gave me this body, this personality, this heart & mind for a reason. I, as a whole being, am made for something worthwhile and beautiful. Why should I waste who God made me to be on pointless things, junk? God has called me to a higher living, a life changed inwardly by God, a pure holy living. And its not easy to do as it is to say.
Gosh no.
I guess I'm struggling a bit with grasping this concept and putting it into action in my life.