Yearning for China

(Hong Kong city)

I miss China so much.

I miss how everytime I go out, there's a million different faces to see.
I miss how Asian eveything is, like the time I went supermarket shopping and there were live frogs for sale.
I miss how the shopping and food is so cheap and diverse. I miss how the standard shopping mall is 5 storeys high.
I miss the coldness. I miss wearing layers of jackets and scarves just to keep barely warm.
I miss the stalls on the street selling kebabs and Chinese food and jewellery and tiny trinkets and other oddities.
I miss how I can't speak the language well so sometimes I didn't need to say anything.
I miss how hardly anyone knew my name, and I didn't know theirs.
I miss how everyone taxis everywhere and how cheap it is, too.
I miss how honest the boys there were. If they thought you were beautiful, they would most likely tell you.
I miss walking the markets during the daytime and nightime, I miss the haggling and the rush of people.
I miss not having to drive everyone everywhere. I miss not being pressured to do anything.
I miss how all the strangers you saw on the street seemed to be in their own world.
I miss the tiny, comfortable apartment I stayed in with my aunt and her family. I miss not having luxuries like a shower room or space or a garden or a car. It felt good.
I miss how the people I met who knew I was from overseas attempted to speak English to me (even though it was quite bad), I appreciated their efforts very much.
I miss the nights going out with my family and their friends karoaking and drinking beer. No irresponsible drinking, no bad vibes. Just a good time.
I miss looking outside and seeing apartment buildings everywhere, arranged like lifesized lego.
I miss the crazy taxi driving, as much as it scared me sometimes.
I miss travelling from unknown city to unknown city, hotel room to hotel room.
I miss being able to think clearly without any disturbances or to-do lists in the back of my mind.
I miss living out of a suitcase.
I miss how romantic and busy every city was. Fairy lights and lanterns strung from tree to tree and on buildings and bridges.
I miss the pride the people of China had in the culture, and how passionately they expressed it.
I miss seeing people on motorbikes, with rickshaws and stuffed into foggy buses.
I miss the noise of cars beeping, people shouting and haggling, trucks rushing past, kids and fireworks.
I miss how wonderful and patient everyone was to me.
I mostly miss my aunt, my uncle and my cousin and how much they cared about me and looked out for me.

When my plane landed in New Zealand, I felt a pang of sadness and welled up because I knew I was oceans away from China.
I would go back in a heartbeat.

(Hong Kong 'Walk of Fame' view)

(Fruit stand)

Listen to: Palpitation - In Five Years (Niva Remix)

"Why do you continue to fight when you know all hope is lost?"

The angel Gabriel to man in the movie 'Legion'

Listen to: The Veils - Bloom

He didn't make home in your heart only just to leave it.

He didn't love you only just to walk away.

Thank you for this Anja.

Listen to: Big Star - I'm In Love With A Girl

The end

As some of you may know, just around 12 hours ago at 12:51pm on 22 February 2011, an earthquake measuring 6.3 on the Richter scale hit Christchurch, New Zealand. This is the second earthquake following the 7.1 jolt that hit the city just around 4 months ago. This one has caused more damage than the first one, though: iconic buildings destroyed, fires, flooding, mass evacuations, power outages, hundreds of people trapped in buildings...and worse of all, 65 people have been confirmed dead already. It has truly been a dark day for New Zealand. Because we are such a small country, we are practically (in the words of Peter Jackson) like a village, and so everyone is deeply affected by this disaster. The responses I have seen and heard today have been quite overwhelming and moving. There's this helplessness in the air because no one can really get to Christchurch because of the danger. All there really is to do is to support causes, donate blood and/or money and pray.

As the day goes on, the news gets worse and I become more saddened. I've been praying, refreshing the news updates and I donated some money using my mum's credit card, but throughout the whole day I couldn't shake off one thought: the end of the world is truly near.

I picked up my Bible for the first time in ages, and upon opening it I almost instantly turn to a bookmark of a chapter in Malachi which reads 'The Day of Judgement is Near.' Weird coincedence. I turned to the books of Matthew, Mark and Luke to read about the end of days and there was such a surge of emotions running through me when I read them. It has put shivers in my bones, and a hopefulness in my heart.

³ As Jesus was sitting on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately. “Tell us,” they said, “when will this happen, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?”

⁴ Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you. ⁵ For many will come in my name, claiming, ‘I am the Messiah,’ and will deceive many. ⁶ You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. ⁷ Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. ⁸ All these are the beginning of birth pains.

⁹ “Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. ¹⁰ At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other, ¹¹ and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people. ¹² Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, ¹³ but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved. ¹⁴ And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.

¹⁵ “So when you see standing in the holy place ‘the abomination that causes desolation,’ ¹⁶ then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains. ¹⁷ Let no one on the housetop go down to take anything out of the house. ¹⁸ Let no one in the field go back to get their cloak. ¹⁹ How dreadful it will be in those days for pregnant women and nursing mothers! ²⁰ Pray that your flight will not take place in winter or on the Sabbath. ²¹ For then there will be great distress, unequaled from the beginning of the world until now—and never to be equaled again.

²² “If those days had not been cut short, no one would survive, but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened. ²³ At that time if anyone says to you, ‘Look, here is the Messiah!’ or, ‘There he is!’ do not believe it. ²⁴ For false messiahs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect. ²⁵ See, I have told you ahead of time.

²⁶ “So if anyone tells you, ‘There he is, out in the wilderness,’ do not go out; or, ‘Here he is, in the inner rooms,’ do not believe it. ²⁷ For as lightning that comes from the east is visible even in the west, so will be the coming of the Son of Man. ²⁸ Wherever there is a carcass, there the vultures will gather.

²⁹ “Immediately after the distress of those days

“‘the sun will be darkened,
and the moon will not give its light;
the stars will fall from the sky,
and the heavenly bodies will be shaken.’

³⁰ “Then will appear the sign of the Son of Man in heaven. And then all the peoples of the earth will mourn when they see the Son of Man coming on the clouds of heaven, with power and great glory. ³¹ And he will send his angels with a loud trumpet call, and they will gather his elect from the four winds, from one end of the heavens to the other.

³² “Now learn this lesson from the fig tree: As soon as its twigs get tender and its leaves come out, you know that summer is near. ³³ Even so, when you see all these things, you know that it is near, right at the door. ³⁴ Truly I tell you, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened. ³⁵ Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away.

The Day and Hour Unknown

³⁶ “But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. ³⁷ As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. ³⁸ For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; ³⁹ and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. ⁴⁰ Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left. ⁴¹ Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left.

⁴² “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come. ⁴³ But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into. ⁴⁴ So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.

⁴⁵ “Who then is the faithful and wise servant, whom the master has put in charge of the servants in his household to give them their food at the proper time? ⁴⁶ It will be good for that servant whose master finds him doing so when he returns. ⁴⁷ Truly I tell you, he will put him in charge of all his possessions. ⁴⁸ But suppose that servant is wicked and says to himself, ‘My master is staying away a long time,’ ⁴⁹ and he then begins to beat his fellow servants and to eat and drink with drunkards. ⁵⁰ The master of that servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour he is not aware of. ⁵¹ He will cut him to pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Matthew 24:3-51

I don't know how you felt when reading this passage, but I was scared. The earthquakes, famines, battles, revolutions and false teachings are like the first pains of childbirth, but there is more to come: persecutions and false prophets, betrayal and love turned cold. People will lose their faith. People will hate you because of Jesus. It's heavy stuff. However, I found comfort in the encouragement Jesus gives to us believers during days like these:
Stand firm.
Be on your gaurd.
Do not worry.
He will give you the words to say in times of persecution.
Those who hold on to the end will be saved.
They will hate you, but not a single hair from your heads will be lost.

All of a sudden, even while typing this, a peace that transcends these horrors come over me. I am not scared so much anymore. Jesus is greater than all of this, and he always has been. So many people will blame God for disasters, but I believe it is not His fault at all. If he is perfect and just, how can He make innocent and good people suffer and die? It is a result of human sin. This is a consequence and we are paying for it. 98% of the time I do not understand why bad things happen to good people, and I won't try to. All I am 100% sure of is is that it is not God to blame.

Are you ready to be persecuted if it happens, and stand firm on your faith even if it means death?
Are you ready to spread the Word of God, and be hated by everyone because of it?
Are you ready to love in a world full of hate?
I'm not just asking you, but I am also asking myself.

These two verses will anchor me when I feel cut about the disasters happening in the world today, and I hope they will for you too:

'The great trumpet will sound, and He will send His angels to the four corners of the earth, and they will gather His chosen people from one end of the earth to the other.'

Matthew 24:31

'Then the Son of Man will appear, coming in a cloud with great power and glory. When these things begin to happen, stand up and raise your heads, because your salvation is near.'

Luke 21:27-28

Listen to: Foals - Spanish Sahara

Why are people so mean?

Listen to: Nordic Giants - Shine ft. Cate Ferris

Life at death

While I was on the plane from China to New Zealand a couple days ago, I thought to myself, 'If our plane was about to crash, I wonder what the people on the plane would think about realising they might die in a few moments?' I thought about this and realised that I would solely think of my loved ones, my relationships with people.

When you're about to die, things like how many clothes you accumalated, how much money you have in the bank, how many experiences and countries you've got under your belt, what a successful career you have or how popular you are, don't even matter. When you're about to die, I don't think you would think, 'Well, I have had many clothes' or 'I have lived wealthily' or whatever...I hope to think you think about who you love. This is what is the most important thing in life, I believe- relationships. When it comes down to it, the quality of your life isn't dependent on material or trivial things. The quality of your life is dependent on how many people you love.

Later on while I was in flight, I was watching 127 hours on my screen. It's a wonderful and encouraging movie, for those of you who havn't seen it. It's about a man who's arm gets stuck while he was exploring Blue John Canyon and his fight to survive. I don't want to ruin it for those who havn't seen it, so I'll just say that when Aron Ralston (the main character) thought that he was going to die, images of the people he loved came to his mind. He was an avid outdoors person, and so he would've had amazing experiences in the outdoors. But I noticed that he didn't think about that. He didn't think about such times he climbed mountains, or snowboarded, or sky dived, or visited foreign countries. He thought about his family, his friends, his girl and what he wanted to have done different. He had regrets because he didn't treat them as well as he knew he should have.

It's funny when people don't realise what is important in life while they are alive and living, but it takes death to make them see that relationships are all that matter. I know I don't want death to be knocking at my door, only to realise that I wasted my entire life on things that have no use to me, that have nothing to show for them. I want to be able to say on my deathbed:
'I loved, I was loved...I have lived.'

Don't let it be too late for you to realise that your relationships are what matters most in life...and live it that way.

Listen to: Youth Group - Forever Young

Day 12: Your biggest struggle

My biggest struggle would most probably be about self worth, inner and outer. I've always struggled with it ever since I hit my tweens. I'll think I'm too fat, not pretty enough, not good enough, too boring, a waste of time, and that what I have to say is not worth hearing...of course these are absolute lies and have no place in my life. These thoughts come because Satan only tries to bring me down and stop the light inside of me from shining, but sometimes I can't help but believe them.

Listen to: Mumsdollar - Better Way

Day 11: A funny story

I always have funny stories but never remember them...argh... anyway, I guess I'll tell you my most embarrassing moment in life. When I was around 10 or so, I was in Christian camp and we had dorms that we shared with 3 other people. I got a top bunk. One day, while I was chilling in the room next door, my pastor at that time came into my room to tell one of my roomate's friends about God. Then right in the middle of his serious Jesus talk, out of all things, my asian Hello Kitty underwear falls from the bunk from my suitcase onto the floor right in front of them. Can you imagine having a really in depth talk and all of sudden seeing a pair of undies with a picture of a cat on it drop in front of you? My pastor calls me over and tells me my underwear fell down, so burned with shame, I pick it up and put it back on top of the bunk in front of them. THE awkwardest thing ever. Probably also my claim to faim haha.

Listen to: Lydia (R.I.P.) - I Woke Up Near The Sea

We will rise (R.I.P Matt Paquette)

I was looking on someone's tumblr tonite and I found out this guy named Matthew Paquette who was the lead singer of Canadian metal band 'Beheading of a King' passed away. He was only 20 years old. Looking at his memorial photo, I felt a wave of sadness wash over me because it is widely said that he committed suicide. I didn't know of him or his band until now, but I can't shake off this feeling of deep sorrow. All of a sudden all these thoughts and questions pile into my head: Why did he do it? What about his friends and family...did he not find any of them or anything worth living for? I wonder how his family, friends, band, girlfriend and everyone who knew him is dealing with this? He was just so young and had so many years of his life left living to make it something beautiful and unforgettable. He could have gone far.

All these thoughts then started to get me thinking about the bigger picture. How many young people take their own lives because of depression, because of people who tease them, because they don't feel pretty enough, or skinny enough, or man enough, or not enough at all? Because they lose hope? Because no one is there for them to pull them back from death, or show them that they genuinely care? Because they don't have the promise of a God who can help them through all this pain and give them eternal life? They lose purpose. I'm thinking of all the people I've read about who have killed themselves, and honestly, I am so fustrated and sad about it. I wish I could have known them before they committed suicide so I could hug them and tell them of the beautiful life waiting for them if they just hold on. To show them the door of life and love and not death and darkness. I can't imagine how it would feel to kill yourself, and in those last fleeting moments of your life be alone, depressed and crying. I wish this never existed (but it does). I wish everyone had hope (but they don't). I wish everyone can open up to the beautiful life God has waiting for them (but they won't).

I'll bare my all, because I have nothing to hide. I have a story of a God who can conquer mountains and whose love can surpass death. I have felt suicidal many times before. It was during times when I was going through a deep depression. I wouldn't get out of bed for days and all I would do is sleep and think dark thoughts. My family problems were crushing me down, my past was haunting me, I felt unloved and alone, and I couldn't find reason to get up in the morning or live. In my eyes, I was ugly and not worth anything. Even though I had a good social life and had all I needed, I still felt unhappy. It feels so vague now, and writing about it now feels like I am talking about someone else. A ghost Jenny. I remember thinking about ways to end my life...and then I would think about how my friends and family would deal with it, and all of a sudden I would shake out of it and step away from it all. I am so glad that I did. Someone once said that suicide doesn't take away the pain, it just passes on the pain to others. It's so true. I would of hated to burdan my mum who had enough worries to think about, scar my gorgeous 9 year old sister or make my friends feel the pain of loss. Not only would it cause them possible sadness, but I'd imagine they would feel also feel such emotions as anger (Why me?), inadeqaucy (Was I not enough to stop herself from suicide?), regret (I should have said something) and confusion (Why did she do it? What did her faith mean, then?).

I'm lucky to have had a friend be there for me throughout the whole process. I know I would have been one step further to actually doing something if she wasn't walking through the darkness with me, side by side. She was the only person I could unload my deepest thoughts and darkest past hurts to. I told her I felt suicidal. And she felt with me. She cried with me. She helped hold me up. She encouraged me. She loved me. Even though I felt abandoned by God, I felt like she was an angel sent to bring me back to Him. In all honesty, some days she was the only thing that kept me going on like I did. There's no right words to express the gratitude I feel for having a friend like that pull me back from the pits of death, who I am still close friends with now. No matter what I am going through, on days when I struggle, get depressed, feel lonely or feel like giving up, I know I can tell her everything and she will be there for me. She doesn't judge me, force me to get help or shove advice in my face. She simply tells me in a gentle voice, 'Don't lose hope.' And I don't.
Knowing I have someone there for me, who will listen to me, is so valueble. It feels like I am the owner of something rare and priceless. It was this that made the difference. It was this that helped me choose life over death.

I'll tear up thinking of the people in this world who killed themselves because they never had this kind of companionship, or longed for it or needed it but never knew they did. I want to be that person for someone. No, we WILL be that person for someone. I can't bear to think of my friends committing suicide for the want of a loving soul, a real loving soul. I know many people will have a lot of friends but not enough authentic friends, if any. I want to be considered an aunthentic friend.
A person who loves without judgement or condition.
A person who doesn't act like a pretentious, wise-ass 'christian,' shoving advice in everyone's face ('You should do this, but you can't do that.' - None of this!)
A person who takes the time to listen to people and try to understand what they are going through.
A person who is willing to help someone in need, whatever the sacrifice.
A person whose words flow with love, hope, grace and healing from the fountain of life that comes from God and His word.
A person who hugs in the most meaningful way, as if to say 'I've been waiting a long time to do this. You are worth it. You are loved.'
A person who smiles, smiles and smiles.
A person who looks at people not with the 'I'm better than you' look, but with the 'You are beautiful and special and all sorts of amazing and I would love to get to know you' look. Yes, that's a look.
A person who has the attitude of openness and positivity about everything so people can approach them without feeling intimidated.
A person who will cry, laugh, smile and feel pain, all the times you do.
A person who will take a firm hold of your hand, as if to say 'I care. I really do. And I'm not scared to.'
A person who welcomes and loves the people they meet with arms open wide, and treat them as if they valued, special and beautiful and are worth every sacrifice. Because they are, and already have been ransomed for.
I know God sends us to show all these things, and more. I know everytime one of these things happen, humanity is the better for it, hope gains a little more meaning, and life is a little more worth living. You just never know who you can influence and impact just by doing something like that...and oh, if it saved a life!

I don't know everyone in the world who is thinking about suicide. I can't. I don't know everyone in the world who is committing suicide as you read this. I can't. I don't have enough global influence to tell the people who are losing hope that their life is worth more than this. I don't. But I can do something from the One who knows and have all these things. He uses people. He wants to use me, He wants to use you and He wants to use the Church. Finally, I feel like I just put a puzzle piece in the right place. The bigger picture has become a little clearer.

Why are we taught to love? Why is it the greatest commandment? Heavy question, and Bible scholars and philosophers and such probably have reasoned and well-developed answers to this question. This is my idea of an answer. To bring people out of a place of the hell of depression, sadness, loneliness, anger, pain, regret, worthlessness...where death seems like the only option to escape from it all...to a place where love and hope and joy reigns over all of these things, to a place where you know you are meant to last for eternity, to a place where you are protected and cherished by the Almighty Father, to a place where life has meaning, everyday.

For those who are are thinking of killing themselves,
for those who are questioning what their worth is,
for those who are losing faith in humanity,
for those who are fighting for a line of hope,
We will rise and love with vengeance.

Who's with me?

Listen to: The Almost - Dirty and Left Out

Day 10: A picture of yourself and 10 positive things that you like about you.

I can't post a recent picture of myself with the proxy site I am using, but you can see me in my profile picture on my blogger =]

10 things I like about me:
1. I like that I laugh at everything and make jokes a lot.
2. I like that I am Chinese/Vietnamese and born in Korea. I come from a vibrant culture and an interesting background.
3. I like my thick and black hair (apparantly I won't suffer bad hair loss when I'm older!)
4. I like that I'm quite laid back about things.
5. I like that I have a relationship with God and because of Him, I am saved forever.
6. I like that I like different types of music and am not secluded to just one genre.
7. I like that I am quite caring at heart, no matter how much I make myself act like I don't give a crap.
8. I like that I try my best not to be judgemental of people.
9. I like how even though I am small I can (well, try to) kick ass.
10. I like that I am fairly independent and can do things alone.

Listen to: The Naked And Famous - Young Blood (Chiddy Bang Remix)

Day 9: Your biggest regret

A few come to mind, but one of them I will say on here is giving my first kiss to someone I didn't know or care about.
Having said that, I think all of our regrets in life have something worth learning from. They make you who you are today. Even though there are things in my past I really wish weren't there, I know it has made me stronger and all the more wiser.

P.s. What's with all these bands that I like and listen to breaking up? Confide, Lydia and now The White Stripes? Dang.

Listen to: Album Leaf - Falling From The Sun

Day 8: Your most cherished item

I don't really have anything I cherish, but I think at the moment something that has a lot of meaning to me is this bracelet I got on my 18th birthday that had my name meanings engraved on it, from a good friend. It represents friendship, but also something deeper...and I'm planning to get those words tattooed on me someday!

Listen to: Close Your Eyes - Bitter Path

Day 7: Your dreams for you future

Dreams. So wonderful to think about, yet so distant and fragile. The dreams we have never turn out the way people originally planned it from what I've read- sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse.

My dreams for my future is to one day become a music and photo journalist, travelling around the world taking photos and interviewing and writing about musicians for an international business. I also wouldn't mind taking documentary photos of people around the globe for a magazine or something like that if music journalism doesn't work out for some reason. To top it all off would also include running a small non-profit mission organisation on the side (Hope99?) that raises money and awareness for less fortunate and mistreated people around the globe.

Ahh, the feeling I get when I think about these dreams is comparable to having butterflies in your stomach. You hope for the best and you are excited for it, but there's also that nervousness that it might not happen. And if it doesn't, then that's okay too. I trust that God has a path already set for me, and when I am following his directions everything is going to work out for me in the end. It might not necessarily be the path that makes me the happiest, or gets me to the most countries, or earns me the most money or recognition, but it certainly will be a path of a purpose driven life and of fulfillment beyond my comprehension.

Listen to: The Middle East - Blood