Relationships, Job & Martin Luther

When I tell people that I haven't been in a relationship yet, I'm greeted with bewildered amusement. I laugh it off all the time, but if I am being truthful, there is a part of me deep inside that feels a little sad everytime I say it. I assume that people don't understand that it is a painful thing for me, trying to keep single in my teenage years, because I'm a lover at heart. While there have been times I have been known to 'hook up' with different guys and act flirty and outrageous as a single woman, at the end of the day, my heart still longs for someone to come home to and call mine.
It's also not to say that I havn't had my share of boy troubles. There have been many times I was close to dating someone, when something bad would happen and it would just end. While I've had my fair share of tears and 'I-hate-boys' rants, I truly thank God for all those near misses. I can't say how grateful I am that, particularly in regards to my love life, God has been a true father to me, guiding me and protecting me from all the men that weren't the ones He had in mind for me. Without Him, without His gentle voice telling me 'Wait' when I see someone I'm interested in, I would be a relationship trainwreck right now, and I definitely wouldn't be a virgin. I'm glad to say that because I stayed single my whole life, I will not accept anything less than who God has in store for me. I want that special boy to be worth the wait and every ache in my heart I have had for one.
Bearing this in mind, it makes my most recent boy trouble not look so depressing. It turns out this nice, lovely boy I was interested in and vice versa had a girlfriend. While I did have a huge rant to my girlfriend on the phone about how angry I was and how I always attracted jerks, and while I did want to punch him square in the face, I opened my Bible a short while afterwards and, in the light of what I learnt that evening, realised that it was not at all important. The story I read that changed my heart was about Job remaining faithful to God despite his traumatizing suffering:

"Then he fell to the ground in worship and said, 'Naked I came fom my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."
(Job 1:21)

For some reason, that particular verse and that particular passage made me emotional. I don't know why, but it may have something to do with the recent and strange desire to know who God is lately - not what He says or what He does, but His heart. This scene, where Job fell to the ground and praised God after he lost his possessions and his sons and daughters within the day demonstrated his true knowledge of who God is. Job knew God's heart. He knew beyond mere knowledge that God was faithful, loved him beyond words and would never do anything to harm him. Job sought God's heart, and he found it, trusted in it and stood upon it in the midst if dreadful suffering. Isn't that beautiful? To say on your knees, 'May God be praised!' in the midst of your worst fears in life unraveling? My prayer that night was that I will seek God's heart and find it, too.
So, after reading this humbling story and gaining fresh insight, I gained more perspective about my situation with the boy and realised that this was yet another example of how God was protecting me from future heartache. The best thing to do, I thought, was not to 'play' him back, or punch him in the face for that matter, but to move on gracefully and in brighter hopes that I'm drawing nearer to the one. What I know I must focus on now is not trying to find my future husband, but rather, finding God's heart first.

In other news, I have recently finished reading an autobiography on Martin Luther the German reformer. This was a great inspiration to me. It will never cease to amaze me how valiant, faithful, honest, prayerful and zealous Luther was. His unshakable firmness to the Word of God despite the amount of powerful foes he attracted both in Germany and in the Roman empire has inspired me to stand up for God the same, maybe not on the scale and influence that he did, but I hope with the same heart. Here are some excerpts of quotes from Martin Luther:

"Go forward, Christian soldier;
Fear not the secret foe,
Far more o'er thee are watching
Than human eyes can know;
Trust only Christ thy captain,
Cease not to watch and pray,
Head not the treacherous voices
That lure thy soul away."

-

"In a service which Thy love appoints,
There are no bonds for me:
For my secret heart is taught the truth
That makes Thy people free;
And a life of self-renouncing love,
Is a life of liberty."

-

"Though numerous hosts of mighty foes,
Though earth and hell my way oppose;
He safely leads my soul along,
His loving-kindness, oh, how strong!

When troubles, like a gloomy cloud,
Have gathered thick, and thunder'd loud;
Her near my soul has always stood,
His loving-kindness, oh, how good!"

Currently listening to: Shooting Stars - Sovereign

Hello friends,

I realised the other night I hadn't posted in a long time, so this is just another update on my life and why I havn't been on here in a while.

Recently, I've been swamped up with work and school. I'm only in my first week into the job (which thankfully involves music), but I'm working 30 hours a week aswell as 20 hours of class a week excluding study hours. Some people love this kind of fast-paced lifestyle, but this isn't working for me on a number of reasons. First, my alone time is a priority in my life and being around people for most of my day drains me out and makes me more snappy around them. Secondly, I'd rather work than go class, so I havn't been going to school (which could mean I could fail my whole semester if I keep doing that). Thirdly and lastly, I'm just generally tired. My body isn't used to being on the go constantly, so when I don't have work or school, I just want to sleep. And when I sleep, I wake up every now and then thinking about random bands and organising their CDs in alphabetical order!

On the other hand, I'm blessed for a number of reasons too. The job I have isn't back-breaking - in fact, it's really enjoyable and I'm doing something I love. My manager and co-workers are super lovely too, and they are flexible with when I can work and when I can't. School is finishing in a few weeks time too, so I'm very excited for holidays to begin. I've decided I'm going to work all holidays and take days off for all the exciting concerts and festivals happening this summer, which brings me to my next point...Bon Iver is playing in Wellington in February! Oh, I am so happy they are coming :) If there were a few bands I wanted to see before I died, they would be one of them. I can't wait. Most of all, everything that has been happening is stretching me as a person. I've found that it's how I handle the small things which test my real morals and attitudes in life.

Also, last week, I had the wonderful opportunity to share my personal testimony to a church. Even though I was nervous, I was encouraged and strengthened by the Holy Spirit, and I think it went well. Thankfully, the people were very receptive and gave me great feedback afterwards. I'm speaking to another church next month. I'm really just humbled by the doors God is opening for me. I'm hoping that my testimony can help or encourage someone going through the same situation as me.

Anyway, this is what is happening in my life for the most part, aside from all the usual boy and family troubles. Even though it's been stressful and fast-paced, like that song I-don't-know-the-name-of says, 'Isn't it good to be alive?' Here's a picture I took yesterday morning when I woke up and looked outside my window. I had never seen the sky so blue and the clouds so orange. It was beautiful. No doubt, my Papa was reminding me of how much He loved me and how constant and faithful He is. Things like this assure me I really do stand on sufficient grace.

Currently listening to: Sara Barielles - Winter Song (Ft. Ingrid Michaelson)