Broken dreams.

My little sister had a really hard day today. After only getting a few hours sleep, she went to school, only to be bullied and teased which I have noticed happens quite often. Afterward, my mum became angry at her because she did quite a big mistake, and she felt guilty and cried all day. She stayed in bed and slept, and I felt helpless and heartbroken that I couldn't do or say much to make her pain go away. However, she brightened up considerably later on after talking to a friend of hers.
I came over to her bed later that night and watched her as she slept, and I thought to myself how broken this world is. I almost felt overwhelmed with sadness thinking about my family's broken dreams, particularly my little sister's.

I have watched my little sister grow up ever since she came out of the womb. Since my mum works most of the time and my dad isn't home a lot, I feel like I am her mother, father, friend and sister all tied into one. She has grown up to be such a beautiful girl with a brave, courageous and confident spirit. She excels in academia but she is also athletic and social. I love her for who she is today and I could not be more proud of her. But, sometimes I see her cry or upset because of the things life throws at her, and it really breaks my heart. These things mostly everybody goes through in life - bullying, the person you like being a disappointment instead, the brokenness of family, lost hope and shattered promises - but to see it happen to someone you want to fiercely protect in life and who you love more than anything in the world is hard to swallow.

My little sister is the glue that holds my family together because she is the only person everybody loves and gets along with. It's a heavy burden for her to bear at such a young age, and because she has this unfair responsibility on her shoulders, she has had to grow up really fast. I remember this one time 5 years ago, we took a family trip to China and had got into an argument where Sarah was in the middle. She went to the window and sat down, and I came over to her and noticed she was crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she said to me through her tears in the sweetest innocence, 'Why can't everyone love each other? We are family.'
There have been quite a lot of times when I would see her crying in private because of family troubles, and if that wasn't enough, nowadays she comes home upset sometimes because of troubles at school and with her friends.
It's difficult to see a once worry-free, happy child playing in pools and running around playgrounds grow up realizing that this world is not just rainbows and butterflies, but also one with disappointments.

I want to be a shield around this little girl to keep her safe from the world's utter brokenness. I know that for me, I experienced it early and without anyone breaking my fall, but I don't want to let that happen to my sister. It took a lot of healing and self-discovery to get to where I am today from where I was before, and I almost didn't make it. I worry that she will have to go through similar things that I did. I know, deep in my heart though, that my trying to shield her is probably futile. I am here in between my sister and this world, and I am crying because I know I won't be able to protect her for long, simply because I have no right to. She has to find her own path in this world, and that sadly means knowing all kinds of pain in her life because that's the only way she will learn true strength.

I think of my younger brother as well, who I fear is going off the rails a little bit. We don't ever speak to each other, not even a 'hi' or a 'happy birthday' when the time calls for it, but I know him enough to be convinced that deep, deep down, he's a good person mixed in with the wrong crowd. I know that he could be so much more than he is and that he could do amazing things with his life if he just took control of it and respected himself more. When we were little kids, he told me of a dream he had once. I remember it quite vaguely. He told me there was a snake in front of him, and God had given him the command to crush it, and he did with the tool he had in his hands. I also had a dream about him recently, and I can't remember it much either, but I know that it had to do with my brother and God promoting him spiritually. I feel strongly that God loves him deeply and has an incredible plan for his life, but I also feel like my brother is not responding.

Even though my siblings and I get into arguments, at the end of the day, I take my role as the big sister seriously and with pride. I look out for them as much as I can, and if push ever came to shove, I would sacrifice to protect and provide for them as much as I know how. I love the both of them, and it hurts my heart in so many places thinking about how heavy the world is on both their shoulders. I wish I could carry their worlds for them but I know that they need to pave their own way in life, that they need to fall down over and over again because that's the only way they will learn - learn to love or to hate, to forgive or to hold on to grudges, to hold onto hope or to despair - that is their choice. However, I believe that the best thing I can do for them both is to walk beside them in the most gentle and non-judgmental way I know how, and with my highest hopes show them through my life that despite this broken and shattered world, it is still a beautiful and magical life after all. As for these tears of mine, all I can do is offer them to God and simply know and trust that He loves them infinitely more than I do and that He has their lives under control. My prayer in the past and my prayer now is that He will protect and love them utterly like nothing and no one else can and reveal to them the real Father's heart, the Father's heart which breaks when he sees any of His children in pain.

Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

Harold Whitman

What’s difficult in life is to stay centered when somebody does or says something that tempts us to close our hearts because their heart was closed. That is hard. But that is also how we grow. We go through those circumstances in order to evolve into people who can hold to our loving center no matter what the world throws us.

Marianne Williamson

I know when I become angry at this world for the wrong reasons, I'm closing my heart and eyes to the beauty left in this world.

Yours truly

Have a listen and be blessed:

Lift your head.

You know those kind of days where you get put down from everyone, and even the smallest remark cuts you to the bone? Today felt like that kind of day, and I couldn't help but come home and have a cry. Allow me to rant for a while...

I think working in retail is one of those things where you need a tough skin to survive, or else it will grow one for you. I am 2 and a half months into my new job and without sounding too whiny, I hated it almost immediately. If working the cash register isn't too mundane for me, there is also an endless stream of customers yelling and threatening me on the phone as well as complaining in person. I feel like I am being verbally abused because I don't know the answers to everything. It's similar to going to a supermarket and asking the cashier how a can of soup is made. And I hate that it's not okay to not know the answers to all the customer's questions. Even so, I have to keep apologetic, polite and happy even though sometimes I want to snap or cry. Aside from this, one of the other big problems at work is a certain colleague who puts me and all the other girls down constantly. I can think of many times when her and other colleagues would make a rude joke to me, sub-consciously calling me a slut or arrogant.

After another long day of dealing with unpleasant customers and colleagues, I came home today, and I just wanted to relax, but I was put down again by a flatmate. I like him. I think he's funny and easy-going. But what he said to me really hurt and made me feel incredibly unimportant and worth very little. I think about all I gave him this past week and it makes me feel angry that some people can be so mean and inconsiderate like that.

I miss Auckland. I miss the great friends that I love so much. Moving here has made me realize how lucky I am to have people like them. My friends are so rare to come by. You don't come across supportive, loving and funny people everyday, but I am blessed enough to have a handful of them that make me feel loved and special even from six hundred miles away. I found that the harsh difference between Aucklanders and Wellingtonions is that if an Aucklander doesn't like you, they will tell it right to your face and let you know they don't like you. A Wellingtonion on the other hand, will put on a sickening fake niceness toward you, but will go behind your back and talk a lot of crap about you as soon as you walk away. I feel like it's affecting me and sucking me in, and it's making me feel sick inside, like I'm rotting inwardly and losing nourishment. I wasn't raised to be someone who talks behind people's backs and I sure as heck wasn't raised to be rude and inconsiderate. I was raised to love people, and to love God, and I want to stand with all my strength by this, but I feel like I am losing.
I miss my family. I miss my strong and inspiring mum. I miss my little ray-of-sunshine sister. I miss my beautiful best friend Anja. I miss a lot of people, a lot of things.

I'm glad I am leaving my job and Wellington (but not permanently) soon, to spend time with my loved ones in Auckland and think about what to do with my life next. I have a whole year of possibilities, and while I am not sure about my plans just yet, I do know that I do not deserve to be treated like crap by people everyday and I do know that if someone or something is making you feel unimportant or sad, a key to happiness is simply walking away from those things.

Wanderlust.

I am so tired of people, of the faces and the places I see everyday, of Wellington, of feeling like there's more to life but never grasping it. I want to travel.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

I am currently packing my suitcase to go to Auckland for my 21st birthday celebration tomorrow night. I don't know why, but I feel like crying a little bit right now because I know that I will have to pack my bags again on Sunday night to go back to Wellington for work. It makes me sad that I can only spend a few days seeing the people that I love the most in the world. Living here has made me realize how great a people my friends and family are and how much they mean to me. I cherish them so much and my fondness of them grows constantly despite the hundreds of miles between us. Even here, I feel their love for me all the time and I can't be more grateful for that. It's going to be a wonderful, happy reunion when I see all of my friends and family, but also a sad one. I'm trying not to focus on the leaving part... just to see their faces for a short while is better than nothing. Auckland, here I come!

Listen to: Team - Lorde

A little encouragement.

When I was young, I used to admire intelligent people; as I grow older, I admire kind people.

Abraham Joshua Heschel

Because there’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away.

Sarah Kay

Being kind isn’t always easy. Or convenient. But it has the potential to change everything.

Cap Watkins

What can I fear? Will it be death? But you know that Christ is my life, and that I shall gain by death. Will it be exile? But the earth is the Lord's and its fullness is the Lord's. Will it be by loss of wealth? But we have brought nothing into the world, and we can carry nothing out. Thus all the terrors of the world are contemptible in my eyes; and I smile at all its good things. Poverty I do not fear; riches I do not sign for. Death I do not shrink from.

John Chrysostom

 Currently listening to: From Time - Drake Feat. Jhené Aiko

Not morbid, just healthy.

In my research for the women's organization I am dreaming of beginning (it gives me a reason to live everyday :D), I have been drawing inspiration from incredible, extraordinary women and men. Thanks to a good friend, I have been watching a lot of videos from this wonderful website called TED and I came across this one tonite: Ric Elias: 3 things I learned while my plane crashed. It was short and sweet, but the question he posed afterward was what really struck me the most. Basically, he asked, if your plane was about to crash, what would you regret? What would you wish you could have changed?

For me, I would have regret spending so much time and energy being sad and thinking about my heartbreak so much, hating the situation and being jealous and angry about it. I would have thought as my plane was hitting the ocean that I could of spent that time and energy loving myself, loving others and enjoying the bounty which life gives me.
I would have regret not living well and taking care of myself. I would have regret not living happy and free and instead allowing negative thoughts to consume me and my lifestyle.
I would have wished I absorbed and experienced the beauty of nature more as well as spend more of my time, money and energy on that instead of drinking and going out.
I would have wished I was there for my sister more and less harsh on her as she is still young and in that stage in her life of making her own mistakes and learning from them.

It's time for me to let go of this love tragedy in my life. I have grieved and now I am ready to move on and be so busy being kind to myself and others that I have no time to broad on being angry or jealous.
It's time for me to decide everyday to have a positive mental attitude and allow myself to be happy, because happiness is my choice and no one else can switch it on or off for me. I need to allow myself to let my creative expressions flow freely and not be confined by what people think, say or react.
It's time for me to step outside my home and my city and be one with the stars, the sunsets and the sunrises, the mountains, the trees, the ocean and the wind.
It's time for me to love my sister and in doing so, let. Her. Go. I have to realize that she has to pave her own way in life, and while I can offer her my utmost love, discipline and advice, I can't change her into someone she is not.

I believe thinking about death regularly is healthy and keeps what is important in life and what is not in perspective. Steve Jobs once said that knowing you'll be dead soon is one of the most important tools in helping make the big choices in life, and I agree. It is considered a miracle to escape from a near death experience, and the sad reality is that a lot of people don't ever get to experience that miracle. I hope to think about my life in perspective of death almost everyday, in an effort to never forget that life is like a swift wind and I have only got one chance to live it.

If you were on a plane about to crash, what would you regret? What would you wish you could have changed?

Listen to: Dance the Pain Away - Benny Benassi feat. John Legend

Beauty is...

"Beauty is a combination of a million different things. I think it's the colors of the sky when the sun rises and sets. It's different shapes of clouds and different shades of blue. Beauty is a beach on a sunny day and on a stormy day. Beauty is the autumn leaves falling or sitting under a tree on a hot day. Beauty is friendship and feeling like you matter to someone and that they care about you. Beauty is a smile and a laugh and a moment that you share with someone that you love. I think beauty is any girl on a day that she feels comfortable in her own skin. I think beauty is someone lost in a dance or singing a beautiful song or reading poetry or playing an instrument well. And I also feel like it's not easy to describe and I haven't done half of it."

My best friend said this in an interview I did with her tonight. The question was, 'What do you define as beautiful?' And I love this answer that she gave and even hearing her say it brought me to tears.

Beauty is all these things and more indeed.

Currently listening to: Led Zeppelin - How Many More Times

Little things like these.

As I was walking down the Wellington waterfront one beautiful Saturday afternoon, I saw a couple with their kid. They were standing near some seagulls and were trying to get the kid close enough to take a picture with them. To some people, this scene seems mundane. But to me, at that moment it was magical, and instantaneously I felt a strong desire in my heart to have that one day. To have a husband and a kid, to go to the waterfront and take pictures with seagulls, all rugged up in jackets and scarves and beanies and backpacks. I am surprised that I felt this way because I love my independence and without a doubt marriage and kids scare me. Maybe I am beginning to warm up to it.

Currently listening to: Clarity (Zedd Union Remix) - Zedd feat. Foxes

On Her Way

Goodmorning! ♥

The past couple weeks I feel I have been stretched a little thin. I felt bitterness and resentment toward people, even if they did the slightest thing which should not have annoyed me in the first place at all. When it gets to that point, I know I need to take a step back from everything and check myself before I wreck myself. Ultimately, what has helped me get myself out of such destructive thoughts has been God. Somehow, when I come into His presence or read His word, I feel a peace that He is all I ever really need. He will give me the love, the compassion and the patience I need to deal with people everyday. It helps knowing that the people you come across in your everyday life are meant to be, and in that case, God's grace is sufficient enough for you to soldier through the day. Also, here are some quotes that have warmed my heart and given me much needed encouragement. Most are from a blog I have mentioned here before called On Her Way which is a quote and inspiration blog that I adore. Be blessed!

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable.
Be honest and transparent anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People who really want help may attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt.
Give the world your best anyway."

Mother Teresa, Meditations from a Simple Path

"Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

Harold Whitman

"I think a beautiful woman is someone who is confident but not competitive with other women - someone who is warm to everyone. Because my mother told me ever since I can remember that beauty is from within, that looks will fade. I have always been aware that you have to have something deeper to be really beautiful."

Beyonce
 
"Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That’s what little girls are made of; the hell with sugar and spice."

Unknown

 "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

Elizabeth Kubler Ross

"A great burden was lifted from my shoulders the day I realized that no one owes me anything."

Harry Browne

 "I was neurotic for years. I was anxious and depressed and selfish. Everyone kept telling me to change. I resented them and I agreed with them, and I wanted to change, but simply couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. Then one day someone said to me, “Don’t change. I love you just as you are.” Those words were music to my ears: “Don’t change, Don’t change. Don’t change … I love you as you are.” I relaxed. I came alive. And suddenly I changed!"

Anthony de Mello

"The greatness comes not when things go always good for you. But the greatness comes when you’re really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes. Because only if you’ve been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain."

Richard M. Nixon

"Stay close to anything that makes you glad that you are alive."

Hafiz

"It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to say no to someone you love. It’s okay to say no to a friend. It’s okay to say no to a parent or child. It’s okay to say no to a job or relationship. It’s okay to say no to sexual advances. And it’s okay to say no to a person who’s romantically interested in you. Even if it hurts someone’s feelings, even if you disappoint people, even if you’re judged and ostracized — it’s okay to say no to anything and anyone that causes you pain or makes you uncomfortable... You’re allowed to set limits and boundaries. And you deserve to make your happiness and wellbeing a priority. You don’t ever have to settle for something or someone that doesn’t feel right. And you definitely don’t have to compromise yourself for the sake of making other people happy. You have to take care of yourself, and if that means saying no, it’s more than okay."
Daniell Koepke

 "The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before."

Albert Einstein

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

"May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds."

 Edward Abbey

 
"Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

Jack Kerouac

"Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough."

 Oprah Winfrey

"You are the only person who is in charge of how you feel about yourself. Nobody else can possibly do that. You get to decide if you believe you are beautiful or not, and nobody can take it away from you. If someone suggests that you aren’t beautiful, you can consider how sad it is that they have such a limited view of beauty. You can consider how unfortunate it is that they have such an exaggerated sense of self-importance that they think you should care about what they think. You can also choose to realize that it has nothing at all to do with your beauty and everything to do with their limitations."
Ragen Chastain

"It's through mistakes and wrong turns that we find our way to the truth."

Yours truly

"If you decide to take just a moment, just a moment to get still, to clear your mind, to open your heart, to listen to that sacred voice that guides you, that protects you, that knows and loves you, you are going to have a good day."

Iyanla Vanzant

"Decide in your heart of hearts what really excites and challenges you, and start moving your life in that direction. Every decision you make, from what you eat to what you do with your time tonight, turns you into who you are tomorrow, and the day after that. Look at who you want to be, and start sculpting yourself into that person. You may not get exactly where you thought you’d be, but you will be doing things that suit you in a profession you believe in. Don’t let life randomly kick you into the adult you don’t want to become."

  Chris Hadfields 

 "No one can depress you. No one can make you anxious. No one can hurt your feelings. No one can make you anything other than what you allow inside."

Max Ehrmann, Staying on The Path 

"I’ve noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters. They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren’t determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they’re satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world."

Beth Clark, Kisses from Katie

"What’s difficult in life is to stay centered when somebody does or says something that tempts us to close our hearts because their heart was closed. That is hard. But that is also how we grow. We go through those circumstances in order to evolve into people who can hold to our loving center no matter what the world throws us."

Marianne Williamson

Listen to: Draw Near - Bethel Music

Truly, madly, deeply.

It dawned on me today how much things have changed and how fast they are changing, even as I sit pondering it. It makes me sad. It makes me wish that I could go back in time and hold onto what was lost, to replay those moments in the past that still haunt me today.

Have you ever seen the new, re-created movie The Great Gatsby? I decided one Friday night to take myself on a date (cheesy, I know) for coffee and a movie, the most perfect combination ever. I decided to watch The Great Gatsby, and I don't regret it. That movie was the best movie I have seen in a cinema and captivated my heart from start to finish. Prior to watching it, I thought it was going to be a movie far away from genuine human emotion or experience, but I was stunned with how much I actually related to it and felt with the protagonist, Gatsby. For those of you who haven't seen it, I won't go into details. I will just say that Gatsby is truly, madly and deeply in love with a girl named Daisy. I must admit, at the end I cried because it turns out that, unlike most love stories, love didn't win in this particular one.

It made me think a lot later on that night and it made me miss my first love terribly. Maybe I moved to Wellington because of him? Maybe I made sure I was too busy trying to convince myself and everyone else that I moved here for myself so I didn't have to face the reality that it was a gaping lie? Maybe. But definitely, like Gatsby, I am trying to hold onto the past and consequently putting too much hope in the illusion that what is lost can be gained again. I am the undoing of myself.

When I was on the plane returning to Wellington two and a half weeks ago from Auckland, it was a grey day and my heart was sad to leave Auckland. For all I knew, I was flying back to a tainted city, a place of heartbreak, a place where everything around me reminds me that I have lost. Ever since I arrived here, when I walk out of my apartment, I get nervous. I'm scared I will see him, with or without his girlfriend, and I'm scared about how I will react. I make sure I look nice every time I set out in hopes that I will see him, but every time I go home a pang of sadness weighs me down because I didn't. I look at his picture almost everyday so that I don't forget what he looks like. I have been wondering whether or not it is terribly romantic or terribly creepy to wait outside his work for the chance that I might just see his warm face again. I dream about him constantly and have had sleepless nights thinking about him, what was and what could have been. Knowing all the while that his girlfriend gets to spend everyday with him is difficult for me. It doesn't bother me much that they live together or even that they make love to each other. What makes it unbearable at times is knowing that he is holding her at night when I would give everything I own away for that opportunity again.

This is the longest period of time that we haven't seen or talked to each other. I realized one night ago that it has been almost 8 months since my heart broke finding out that he was in a relationship. 8 months. For 8 months I have carried this painful truth in my heart. And it is 2 months from the day which marks the time we spent a weekend together, the weekend I fell in love with him. 5 more months and a bit and it will mark the first time I met him, 2 years ago. Time flies, don't it? 

Oh, how God knows how much I miss him, and long for him, and love him. How many prayers has He heard of me trying to bribe Him, pleading that I would give anything, even my dreams and my future husband that He has for me, if only He would give me back my lost love. I am still convinced that no girl could ever love him more than I do, but I know there is nothing I can do anymore, and the powerlessness I feel is defeating me. 

If I think about things like this too much, I start getting anxious. But it is one of those days where the past seems sadder than it usually does. It seems like I can go down many roads in life to avoid those consuming thoughts, but in the end, it always leads me back to him.

 

Currently listening to: Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy

Long due update.

Hello! 

I haven't posted in a while, and yet so much has happened. Here are all my thoughts and feelings, jumbled, tossed about and requiring a kind soul to accept it as it is...

I am in Auckland right now! And it feels so wonderful to be home, despite a minor set back. I love seeing all my friends (old and new), my family and relatives, my big room with lots of sunlight coming in, being well fed (I gained 3-5 kilograms, no lie! All I did was eat McDonalds and Wendys every night and I felt glorious), and mostly, I love just being home. The person who said that you never know what you got til' it's gone couldn't have spoken more truth. I feel so humbled, so grateful that I have a home where there is shelter and food, as opposed to people that cannot afford such luxury. Being in Wellington, I couldn't eat much, and even though I joke to my friends about starving sometimes, in that moment where you feel like you want to steal food, it is no joke. I feel for people who have it way, way worse than me, who actually do scavage and beg for food because they have no other resort. For a person to take down their pride and beg is beyond what I can fathom and it pains my heart to see that. In no way am I saying that I know what a homeless person feels like, nor am I levelling my experiences with theirs. I just feel more empathetic and more happy to give to them. Really, I learnt that what you give to them is your responsibility. What they do with it, is theirs. Simple as that. I realize that the only people that make homeless people look bad is us.
I cannot wait to go back to Wellington though, I miss it strangely. I absolutely love that city and it's going to be good to finally start working on the non-profit organization that has been my dream for years! I have been inactive for too long and I am itching to work full-time and start making my dreams into a reality.

One thing that has touched my heart lately is the question of how someone can live each day of their life with perfect purpose, in a way so that that person won't have any regrets when they are on their deathbed. It's a tough question for me. But I am starting to realize that we can't keep hoping that at the end of our lives there will be a happy ending. Instead, it is far more realistic to hope (and make) good days. I think that when we strive to make the most of a day, loving and nurturing your relationships and allowing to be loved in return, it will all add up, and that will give us our happy ending.
I came across this wonderful article from The Guardian this morning, which strangely enough my friend showed me weeks ago, and we were discussing it in deep thought. Here it is:

"There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.

Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called Inspiration and Chai, which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.

Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom. "When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently," she says, "common themes surfaced again and again."

Here are the top five regrets of the dying, as witnessed by Ware:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

What's your greatest regret so far, and what will you set out to achieve or change before you die?"

If this doesn't make someone sad but at the same time pumped to live a better life, then I don't know what will. Isn't it fascinating? It made me really think and hasten to start tackling my regrets now. The one that struck me the most was the 'I wish that I had let myself be happier' regret. The profound, yet stupidly simple, mantra that happiness is a choice never, ever struck me until a couple weeks ago. You know that moment when you hear something and it strikes a chord in your heart that leaves you feeling so numb with wonder but silly at the same time for not realizing it earlier? That was what it did for me. Like a child trying to grasp a foreign concept, I had an epiphany that this, that happiness is a choice, was actually true. Happiness is a switch, and I am the master of that switch. No one can turn it on and off without my consent. I choose. I choose if I am happy or not. I choose. I choose.
I also realized that if someone told me that I was going to die right now, I would regret being so harsh on my sister. I get so worried, so stressed about how to mother and father her, that I in the process I stifle her. It pains me to know that I made her grow up too fast. I realized that I needed to let her enjoy being immature and rebellious and crazy, but to also set boundaries and let her know the consequences of those actions. Other than this, I really have no regret in life. I am proud of how I got to where I am now, and I love where I am now! I'm glad I followed my heart and intuition so far.

What are your regrets?

Real men?

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”  

Anaïs Nin

Most of the men I have encountered, known and loved in my life have been disappointing to me and this further encourages me to lose faith in men and the hope that I will ever find someone who will treat me right. I am not asking for much. Simply for a man, not a boy, who is honest, reliable, gentlemanly and thinks with his brain, not his sexual desires. 

Tonight, while I was out with my friends, I was sitting down and witnessed a man and woman slapping each other because the man had dropped her beer all over the place. I don't know why, and I knew it was none of my business, but I stood up and stopped the fight. The woman then exclaimed, 'We are friends!' and pushed me away. I replied, 'I just think a man should never hit a woman, just my opinion' and sat down. The man looked angry at me and while my friends were checking on me, I couldn't help but feel shocked that a woman would justify someone slapping her because they are 'friends.' Later on that night, while I was walking home with two of my Korean friends, a man came up and started mocking them in fake Chinese words. I told him it wasn't funny. He said it was. And I said it wasn't. I felt even more annoyed that a seemingly 25 year old 'man' would still be so rude and childish.

I watched Once Were Warriors a couple of nights ago, and the scene where Jake beats Beth barbarically sends anger flowing through my veins. The words he spoke over he life, like 'Women need to shut up,' 'Do as you're told' and threatening to kill her is horrible... even Beth's friend told her, 'You know the rules - keep your mouth shut and your legs open.' That some women cannot speak, cannot have a voice of her own, cannot fly is a sad thing. I couldn't help but think as I watched the film that a man should never abuse his physical strength purely just to satisfy himself. A real man does not flex his muscles. The true weapon of a real man is his mind.

I feel so angry, so annoyed, so sad that our generation has come to this atrocious belief that it's okay to treat women like complete shit. I will be really honest with my past now. I am reminiscing on the some on the men in my life who were supposed to protect me, but tore me instead...

My dad who was an abusive father and beat me up on father's day because I told the church in a father's day card that I was glad he stopped smoking. He once bruised my mother's face. One time, my brother called the police on him after hearing him beat my mother up, and as the cops took him away, I overheard one of them asking my father, 'Do you think you're a man because you hit your wife?'

My past loves, one of whom took my virginity, gave me the sheets I bleed on, and shut the door in my face without saying a word. Later that night, he texted me telling me that if I washed the sheets he would give me money. The other, who cheated on me, lied to me, strung me along and told me he didn't want to see me or talk to me again. Just recently, my friend told me she saw him all over a girl in a club, even though he told me he had moved to another country and would never see me again. He was my first love, and even still, I care about him immensely. I hate that.

My uncle, who sexually abused me at young age. Because I didn't know what was happening, I simply shoved it off as a game he was playing.

And my brother, who used to beat me up. One time it was so harsh that he made me bleed.

I hate, hate, hate the fact that my mother has to be submissive to my father even though he is a drunk, a gambler and an abuser. My mother works 60 hours a week to pay all our bills and look after all 3 children. My father does nothing. He sleeps and doesn't feed us, and his temper is hot. I had an attitude with him when I was younger, and he started beating me with a chair, along with my whole family who were hitting me. I feel a sadness when my dad and his friends come over and drink, while my mother slaves in the kitchen making food for 20 people. While they eat, my mother and aunties eat in the kitchen or lounge, meager compared to the men's food. After they are done, she cleans everything up herself, and my father goes to sleep without even putting a fork in the sink. I burn with hate at the fact that some Queens have to bow to fools. 

I know, I know, not all men are like this. But I want to be really truthful, even if it is to myself - most men are like this. They are so lost that it makes me want to cry. 

Where are the gentleman? Chivalry simply cannot be dead, and it is a quality crucial to win my heart.

Where are the men who have never hit a woman? Mean who are strenuous when it comes to discipline and control? 

Where are the men who are honest and play no games with a woman's heart? Because he knows it is stronger than steel, but fragile when it comes to love.

Where are men who makes the necessary effort to seek a woman's heart and win her with hard work? In New Zealand especially, the men do not make an effort, but wait for the women to come to them. Ridiculous. If a man does not make an effort to walk over and strike a conversation with a woman, then if they're in a relationship, he will probably never make an effort with anything else.

And where are the men who respect women, respect their exquisite bodies, respect their boundaries, respect their opinions? If a man cannot appreciate the glory that is the women's heart, body and soul, then how can love blossom from a foundation that is stable and true?

Maybe I am asking too much now, to want a man to go romantic dancing with where he twirls me, who gives me a beautiful bouquet of flowers (I've always wanted flowers!) or even a simple daisy, who opens doors for me, gives me his jacket when it's cold, takes me on dates instead of his bed, loves my body and never pushes what I'm not comfortable with, and one who I can share my milkshake with. Cheesy, yes. But classic, yes. I'm not too much of an old tradition kind of lady, but I do love me a classic man.

I'm staring in the face of a crude reality, staring deeply, disappointingly. I understand that I cannot change all men, all disgusting, abusive, disrespectful and immature men. But from now on, I'm not going to take any crap from men anymore, even if it's not toward myself. I'm standing up to a generation of men who don't know how to handle women - strong, beautiful, exquisite, classy women. And if you are one of them reading this now, please don't settle for any less than a real man who treats you like what you are - royalty. 

'Our people once were warriors' - what happened?

Be still.

Sore eyes.

I have been dreaming of him so much, and thought of him all throughout last night, so much so that I didn't get any sleep and everything seems hazy now.

Feeling so alone from being here in Wellington, no luck of a job.

Lost.

But, like it has in the past and will forever do, music is saving my life. Particularly The Strokes new album which is growing on me fast.

Edit/ I can officially tell my kids one day that I was a college drop out. Badass bitch? Yes.

Currently listening to: The Strokes - Slow Animals

What does the heart want?

I am blessed beyond what I can express.
I am breathing.
I have a roof over my head and shelter from the wind, the rain and the sun.
I have food to eat everyday, and even when there is nothing to eat, I still have more than most.
I have all of my limbs intact, and they are all working fine.
I can run, I can walk, I can dance.
I have medical help when I need it.
I have education and am living in a country where it is freely given.
I have a family and none have died.
I have more money than most people in this world, and I do not have much.
I can see, I can smell, I can hear and experience all this beautiful world gives me.
I have flowing, clean water at the twisting of a tap.
I live in a country where the government is not corrupt and there is no war.
I have friends who would never forsake me.
In comparison to third world countries, I live in luxury.

And yet, why I am so unhappy?

Life is good, anyway.

Since my last post, I have made a drastic change to my life and it has been slightly mortifying in consideration to my parents. I think about how hard my mum has worked to bring me here, for me to have a good life, but it seems like I am throwing it back in her face and being selfish. When I talked to her on the phone, I felt guilty lying to her. I think I am just going to keep it under wraps for now... I can't bear knowing how disappointed she will be since she has been so supportive of me.
I am talking about dropping out of University. It has been a decision I had to do since I was miserable there - the lectures, the people, the routine all made me feel depressed. However, the most important factor that pushed me to make this decision was that my heart didn't feel right while I was there. I feel as if it isn't the right time or this is not where I am supposed to be in in life right now. My mum has previously told me that I am the type of person who gives up easily, and I would not like to think this is the case, but what if it is? What if I am wrong? What if this is a scheme of the devil to get me off my track? What if he successfully depleted me of my motivation? I think I really need to talk to God about it. In fact, I realize how stupid I have been in not factoring Him in it at all.
It's surprising to me who has been supportive of me and who hasn't on hearing this news. For the most part, people seem to not like this idea. One of my flatmates argued with me, saying that everybody needs it and that it is invaluable. On the whole, he was saying that I was making a wrong decision. He asked me what I was going to do with my future and regardless if I needed it or not, I just had to go University. I didn't let it affect me during the ordeal, but afterward I admit I did feel upset. Luckily, my friends were there to cheer me up and reignite what I believed in, not what my flatmate did.
I believe University is not for everybody. I think that if it is making you miserable, then 3 or 4 years and thousands of dollars is likely to go down the drain. It sounds so cliche, but it's true - what is the point of doing something if you are not happy? Life is too short to be anything but. I believe that if University is essential in fulfilling a dream such as being a doctor or lawyer, then by all means it needs to be done. But, in other cases, you don't need a degree - just experience, intuition and hard work. For me, for my dream, I think that a degree is not necessary, helpful maybe. I think my experience is my best tool to fulfil my dreams.
I was talking to my best friend about this, and I definitely don't want to be biased and advocate not going to University because education is so valuable, but after a shock when I told her the news, she told me that a survey has shown that people who don't go to University end up being more successful than those who do. This is probably because those who don't go have a head start in life. University may be valueble, but so is time and what you do with it.

In the meantime, I am going to find a full time job and work to travel. It's slim pickings out there, but from my experience, I believe all it takes is patience. I have been saving National Geographic photos of travel to spur me to try harder and work harder. It has given me the motivation I needed. I would love to go to Brazil as I have heard and seen so many wonderful things about the country. I have also been brushing up on my Portuguese as well ;). I'm excited to go back to Auckland and see my home and room again, my sister, my mum, my friends. However, travel, even to Auckland, seems so far because I am so broke. My savings have been absolutely depleted and I'm not getting support from the government... it's funny that being hungry and broke was appealing to me when I had a full belly and had money haha. Now, it's not so exciting.
I think I need this year to think, to bide time until I know what I am actually going to do with my life.

In other minor news, I dyed my hair to dark brown from being blonde for a month (and loving it), I am reading 'Into the Wild' by Jon Krakauer (also loving it) and I am still biding the time of getting through a broken heart (not loving it).

Life is good, anyway.

 

Sometimes, all someone needs to hear is, 'Don't change. I love you just the way you are.'

Never Been Kissed.

"That thing, that moment when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person... you realize that this person is the only one you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. For one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it will go away all at the same time."
Josie Geller, Never Been Kissed

I hope, and I know that one day this will be true for me.

P.s, I am such a sucker for romance, not even ashamed about it. If you would like the perfect soundtrack to your daydreaming, I recommend this playlist:
http://8tracks.com/lamusette/carpe-diem

Enjoy!

In Transit.

I'm 20 years old but I still love to turn music up loud and dance in my PJs around the house (whilst drinking hot chocolate!) Not even sad about it :) On this beautiful day, it's this song I'm crazy about right now!

Riding In Cars With Boys

"Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just means your heart's too big."

Love this movie!

Hurts.

Hello!

I had a wonderful weekend. I had drinks with my flatmates at a bar, went to see my friend who flew down from Auckland to play a gig at Puppies, and after a night with no sleep, went to the farmer's market and got some fruit and an assortment of foreign food. So in love with waking up in the morning and enjoying the city when no one else is around.

On Saturday morning at around 5am, I couldn't get to bed, so I decided to go for a power walk around Oriental Bay. While I was exercising, I was reminded of a man I saw recently who waded into the cold water at the very same spot in the early morning for a swim, and I thought how beautiful someone's life would be if they did that every morning. Spontaneously, I decided to go for a swim in the night ocean. I found a secluded spot where no one could see me, took of my clothes and my running shoes, and with a squeal I jumped into the water. I swum and swum and swum, the water closing over my head, and as I looked up at the night sky, all I could feel was happiness. I wish I stayed longer, but this beach has been known to have sharks in the shallows, but anyhow, it was such an exhilarating experience. Because of my skin, I have never worn a bikini and swum in the ocean in all my life. To do so, in my bra and underwear, was a small dream come true. That crisp morning, I ran home laughing, hair and clothes wet, sand in my shoes, a new sort of happiness running through my heart.

I can't believe it's been a month since my heartbreak. When I talked to my best friend on Skype about it, she told me that the first thing I needed to do before anything else was to take care of myself. And that's exactly what I have been doing, and my goal in life at the moment. To run, to enjoy beautiful sunsets, to jump into the ocean laughing, to look at the stars, to eat well but also to buy a bag of chocolate and eat them all in bed, to paint glitter on my nails, to dye my hair a crazy color, to smile, and laugh, and flirt, and dammit, to dance like crazy. I know ever since that night in bed when I cried and cried and thought that hope was over, God has been comforting me and embracing me so tightly that no matter where I am or what I do or how I feel, I feel warmth - a warmth that comes only from knowing that you are loved.

My recommendation - if you feel like you have lost it, if you feel unmotivated, if you feel so utterly heartbroken and disappointed with life - is to do something stupidly insane and never look back! I am sure that if you put yourself out there like that, life will reward you for it. What is there to lose? Life is beautiful and no matter how you feel, if you look for it's beauty you will always see it.

Ramblings.

I never get homesick. Ever. Whenever I am away from home, I always cherish it and never want to go back. But lately, I have been missing home a lot. I thought it was going to be great to move out and get away from Auckland... but as I was looking through my photo album tonight, I got a pang of sadness. I miss my gorgeous little sister & best friend Sarah, I miss my beautiful friend Anja, I miss my mum, I miss my bed and my room. I miss natural light streaming into it and I miss the space. Here, I am living in a 2x2 with no sun, even when it's a sunny day.

I hate to complain, but I'm surprised how hard it is for me living in Wellington. I haven't made any good friends here, and with all the bad memories tainted everywhere, I just want to move away again. I thought it was going to be a lot of fun, but the people here don't seem so friendly anymore, and already I feel that people gossip about me. My sleeping pattern has gotten worse, and I haven't turned up to Uni for a week now, and even didn't hand in my last two assignments even though I did them. Also, I don't know how to pay rent tomorrow morning, whiiich is in about 4 hours.

Stressed, confused, homesick, broke and missing people. But also, happy that I have been blessed with such a rich and wonderful life. Thank you Lord for shelter, food and education despite these minute problems.

Alsooo, watched Black Swan tonight, and I must say that it wasn't as bad as people made it out to be. It wasn't too disturbing (I have seen worse) and the symbolism was quite obvious throughout. Natalie Portman's acting was incredibly impressive, so I would recommend it to people on the basis of that! I watched The Intouchables too, and I enjoyed it. Very heartwarming.

Okay, that's all I wanted to say :)

A girl crush.

Can I just profess my love for Drew Barrymore for a while? I usually don't do this, but she blows my mind with her beauty, grace and happiness. Ever since I was little, she has been my favorite actress because I loved that she wasn't ashamed to be silly and vulnerable. What makes her more appealing to me is that she had an incredibly rough childhood, and to see her blossom into this inspiring woman encourages me deeply. Just reading her pearls of wisdom instantly makes me want to be a better person, and also to be happier. I can relate in some ways to her life, and I feel a fresh breeze of motivation for life coming on. Sounds so silly because she is a mega celebrity and I am talking about her like I know her! I don't have many people I can look up to, but hands down she is one of them. Just wanted to share some quotes of hers... I hope it will lift you up as much as it lifted me.

“I think happiness is what makes you pretty. Period. Happy people are beautiful. They become like a mirror and they reflect that happiness.”  

“If you don't take risks, you'll have a wasted soul.” 

“In the end, some of your greatest pains become your greatest strengths.”  

“There's something liberating about not pretending. Dare to embarrass yourself. Risk.” 

“When I lay my head on the pillow at night, I can say I was a decent person today. That's when I feel beautiful.”  

“I am fundamentally happy. Everyone has experiences that makes them cynical, jaded or unhappy - you just have to fight those things off. I have totally emotional days when I cry and get insecure. PMS weirded out, doomed and tragic. I mean, I'm definitely not just a lollipop, happy in the wind girl. I'm human just like everyone else, but I think that it would be tragic to be on your deathbed and think, 'I could've I should've.' That gets me out of bed everyday. I can't even last like an hour in bed in the morning. I have to get out there and live.” 

“God made a very obvious choice when he made me voluptuous; why would I go against what he decided for me? My limbs work, so I'm not going to complain about the way my body is shaped.”

"I love romance. I'm a sucker for it. I love it so much. It's pathetic."

"There's a tremendous difference between alone and lonely. You could be lonely in a group of people. I like being alone. I like eating by myself. I go home at night and just watch a movie or hang out with my dog. I have to exert myself and really say, oh God, I've got to see my friends 'cause I'm too content being by myself."

"I've always said that one night, I'm going to find myself in some field somewhere, I'm standing on grass, and it's raining, and I'm with the person I love, and I know I'm at the very point I've been dreaming of getting to."

"I pray to be like the ocean, with soft currents, maybe waves at times. More and more, I want the consistency rather than the highs and the lows."

"You can't live your life blaming your failures on your parents and what they did or didn't do for you. You're dealt the cards that you're dealt. I realized it was a waste of time to be angry at my parents and feel sorry for myself."

"I never want to get to the point where it's all about my needs, and the hell with anybody else."

And love is all that I need, and I found it there in your heart.

I wish I was brave enough to tell him that I love him deeply, even though I know he doesn't feel the same way.

I wish I didn't miss him so much, even though he is thousands and thousands of miles away.

My words are true... nothing could change what you mean to me.

     Listen to: Joe Coffee - Heaven (DJ Sammy Cover)

Eyes like sky.

I said "I wish you could see the ocean"

He said "I wish you could see hope"

I said "Have you ever seen the mountains?"

He said "No, but my faith could move those"

I said "I wish you could see the stars"

He told me I should see love.

Frank Ocean - Eyes Like Sky

Yesterday felt like the worst day of my life because I finally lost my heart to someone who does not want it. This person was and is the love of my life and someone I can't imagine my life without. I always had hope that maybe one day something would work out between him and I, but the little hope I had for us was dashed completely that day. 

People asked me in the past how I kept holding on when everything was lost. I held on because I knew that he was worth giving myself to. Now, the everything I gave to him was rejected for another girl and I can't help but fall into an abyss of depression again. My mind has been swarming with probing, unanswered questions and negative thoughts. I kept telling myself this wasn't happening and that he will come back to me one day. I know in my head that it is now impossible, even though my heart still wants to keep holding on. I have trudged on for so long to keep our relationship alive, and now that he is gone forever, I do not know what to do with myself anymore. It is like I have hit a wall where the pieces don't fit anymore. 

I have cried and cried, and thought and thought if this life is still worth living when I always keep getting torn and ripped apart by people, by men. I keep getting flashbacks of our argument, of his words which felt like he was twisting and wringing my heart out of all life. 

Today, I couldn't wake up, I couldn't eat and I couldn't talk to anyone. I feel utterly rejected and worthless. People always tell me, 'Give it time.' But to me, it means nothing. I get so frustrated when I hear this, because time is what I do not have. I cannot just wait to have my heart healed. I want numbness, forgetfulness and healing now because this hurts so much. It hurts more than when my parents abused me, more than when I was sexually abused, more than when I was an empty soul from running from men to men when I was a teenager. It is the pain of lost love and hopelessness - the biggest defeat in my eyes.

I look forward, four years of University ahead of me starting tomorrow, and I cannot do it. I do not have the strength or motivation to do this anymore, to follow my dreams, to imagine a better future. I don't want to live here in Wellington anymore, I want to go back to Auckland, to my room, far away from this place that is all tainted with our memories together and now with his betrayal. The kisses, the holding of hands, the arguments, the nights spent holding each other, the eye contact, the smell of his body, the laughs, the tears... it is all so overwhelming knowing that it is lost, that they are things which can never happen again. It is even more difficult that I am living here where it all happened. Everything I see, everywhere I go, every building, every song, every seat, every restaurant reminds me of him and it makes me very sad. I just want to sleep for days... better yet, I want to go Home.

How do I live and carry on now, with little to nothing of my heart and soul left? I have borne too much pain in this life, enough of it. My God has to take me Home now, He just has to.

Jonathan Dalton

Lol.

Why are people so shit?

   Currently listening to: Crew Love - Drake feat. The Weeknd

An update.

After months and months of being in Auckland trying to find an apartment in Wellington, I spontaneously decided to go down instead with no money, no apartment, and the possibility of homelessness. I stayed with a friend of mine, and after one day I finally found an apartment! It is great because it is in the center of Wellington and it is quite cheap for what it is. My flatmates - two Brazilian guys - are really chilled out and clean, the latter of which I especially love. I think me finally getting an apartment is a blessing. I was so worried about money and if I couldn't afford one... bur when I prayed desperately God answered. My mum was so generous and helped me pay the bond, and the other night I got holiday pay from my old job which was a lot of money. I am so grateful. God is truly Jehovah Jireh. Now, time to save and start being careful with my money - one thing I am terrible at!

For some reason, being in a different city for University doesn't seem all that a big of deal to me. I love this city, and whenever I came down to visit in the past it was exciting, fun and adventurous. Now, it's kind of boring... dare I say. Maybe it's because I have to be more careful with my money, I don't have a lot of friends here and I am living here, not visiting. Also, because an old creep was following me for 45 minutes the other day and I had to tell security. 4th day here and that had to happen to me! I can't wait for University though, but I am also dreading it, hearing my friends talk about how hard it was for them in the beginning. I think I am just excited for something to do in this little town.

I think one thing I have learned about myself already is that sometimes, I can be too hard on myself. When I do little things that bother people or make them dislike me a bit - like when I spill milk, when I leave my alarm on for too long, when I don't understand instructions - I get quite depressed about it and need to cry. Especially if that person tells me off. I think it is an unbearable feeling to me - to be a burdan to someone - and I shut down when this happens. I can remember numerous instances where this has happened. I need to remind myself that it is okay and it is not the end of the world. That things like that happen to everyone. That I am not a burdan but a delight. That it doesn't matter what people think of me. That I am human. That we are human... it's a hard thing to remember sometimes.

Also, this:

Currently listening to: Bon Iver - Lump Sum

What we hold onto.

Sam: It's like in the great stories... The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think... I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.

Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam? 

Sam: That there's some good in this world... and it's worth fighting for.

The Lord of the Rings, The Two Towers

I love this quote. When everything in my life is falling apart like I never thought it would, when friends I thought were true tear me apart, when my parents have been abusive again, when work wants to fire me, when my money spirals down the drain... I am trying desperately to hold on to hope.