Real men?

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”  

Anaïs Nin

Most of the men I have encountered, known and loved in my life have been disappointing to me and this further encourages me to lose faith in men and the hope that I will ever find someone who will treat me right. I am not asking for much. Simply for a man, not a boy, who is honest, reliable, gentlemanly and thinks with his brain, not his sexual desires. 

Tonight, while I was out with my friends, I was sitting down and witnessed a man and woman slapping each other because the man had dropped her beer all over the place. I don't know why, and I knew it was none of my business, but I stood up and stopped the fight. The woman then exclaimed, 'We are friends!' and pushed me away. I replied, 'I just think a man should never hit a woman, just my opinion' and sat down. The man looked angry at me and while my friends were checking on me, I couldn't help but feel shocked that a woman would justify someone slapping her because they are 'friends.' Later on that night, while I was walking home with two of my Korean friends, a man came up and started mocking them in fake Chinese words. I told him it wasn't funny. He said it was. And I said it wasn't. I felt even more annoyed that a seemingly 25 year old 'man' would still be so rude and childish.

I watched Once Were Warriors a couple of nights ago, and the scene where Jake beats Beth barbarically sends anger flowing through my veins. The words he spoke over he life, like 'Women need to shut up,' 'Do as you're told' and threatening to kill her is horrible... even Beth's friend told her, 'You know the rules - keep your mouth shut and your legs open.' That some women cannot speak, cannot have a voice of her own, cannot fly is a sad thing. I couldn't help but think as I watched the film that a man should never abuse his physical strength purely just to satisfy himself. A real man does not flex his muscles. The true weapon of a real man is his mind.

I feel so angry, so annoyed, so sad that our generation has come to this atrocious belief that it's okay to treat women like complete shit. I will be really honest with my past now. I am reminiscing on the some on the men in my life who were supposed to protect me, but tore me instead...

My dad who was an abusive father and beat me up on father's day because I told the church in a father's day card that I was glad he stopped smoking. He once bruised my mother's face. One time, my brother called the police on him after hearing him beat my mother up, and as the cops took him away, I overheard one of them asking my father, 'Do you think you're a man because you hit your wife?'

My past loves, one of whom took my virginity, gave me the sheets I bleed on, and shut the door in my face without saying a word. Later that night, he texted me telling me that if I washed the sheets he would give me money. The other, who cheated on me, lied to me, strung me along and told me he didn't want to see me or talk to me again. Just recently, my friend told me she saw him all over a girl in a club, even though he told me he had moved to another country and would never see me again. He was my first love, and even still, I care about him immensely. I hate that.

My uncle, who sexually abused me at young age. Because I didn't know what was happening, I simply shoved it off as a game he was playing.

And my brother, who used to beat me up. One time it was so harsh that he made me bleed.

I hate, hate, hate the fact that my mother has to be submissive to my father even though he is a drunk, a gambler and an abuser. My mother works 60 hours a week to pay all our bills and look after all 3 children. My father does nothing. He sleeps and doesn't feed us, and his temper is hot. I had an attitude with him when I was younger, and he started beating me with a chair, along with my whole family who were hitting me. I feel a sadness when my dad and his friends come over and drink, while my mother slaves in the kitchen making food for 20 people. While they eat, my mother and aunties eat in the kitchen or lounge, meager compared to the men's food. After they are done, she cleans everything up herself, and my father goes to sleep without even putting a fork in the sink. I burn with hate at the fact that some Queens have to bow to fools. 

I know, I know, not all men are like this. But I want to be really truthful, even if it is to myself - most men are like this. They are so lost that it makes me want to cry. 

Where are the gentleman? Chivalry simply cannot be dead, and it is a quality crucial to win my heart.

Where are the men who have never hit a woman? Mean who are strenuous when it comes to discipline and control? 

Where are the men who are honest and play no games with a woman's heart? Because he knows it is stronger than steel, but fragile when it comes to love.

Where are men who makes the necessary effort to seek a woman's heart and win her with hard work? In New Zealand especially, the men do not make an effort, but wait for the women to come to them. Ridiculous. If a man does not make an effort to walk over and strike a conversation with a woman, then if they're in a relationship, he will probably never make an effort with anything else.

And where are the men who respect women, respect their exquisite bodies, respect their boundaries, respect their opinions? If a man cannot appreciate the glory that is the women's heart, body and soul, then how can love blossom from a foundation that is stable and true?

Maybe I am asking too much now, to want a man to go romantic dancing with where he twirls me, who gives me a beautiful bouquet of flowers (I've always wanted flowers!) or even a simple daisy, who opens doors for me, gives me his jacket when it's cold, takes me on dates instead of his bed, loves my body and never pushes what I'm not comfortable with, and one who I can share my milkshake with. Cheesy, yes. But classic, yes. I'm not too much of an old tradition kind of lady, but I do love me a classic man.

I'm staring in the face of a crude reality, staring deeply, disappointingly. I understand that I cannot change all men, all disgusting, abusive, disrespectful and immature men. But from now on, I'm not going to take any crap from men anymore, even if it's not toward myself. I'm standing up to a generation of men who don't know how to handle women - strong, beautiful, exquisite, classy women. And if you are one of them reading this now, please don't settle for any less than a real man who treats you like what you are - royalty. 

'Our people once were warriors' - what happened?