I'm not lucky, I'm blessed.

Tonite I watched a documentary on China called 'Discovery Atlas: China Revealed.' It followed people from different walks in life in the new, modern China where communism is out and capitalism is in. I don't think a video has pulled so many emotions in me. One minute I am outraged, the next I am crying with laughter and a sense of nostalgia. I miss that country so much, from the food to the people, to the romantic cities and dirty streets, to the traditions and fashion. A few things especially pulled at my heartstrings, and here are my thoughts and ramblings that were inspired by the video.

I am incredibly, incredibly proud to be Chinese. Having been there twice and experienced the culture, as well as having a lot of family there, I have gained so much wisdom and gratefulness. I haven't been to China and experienced the wonderful country as a rich person. Instead, I experienced China more so like a poor to middle class person and it gave me life lessons that I will never forget. Most of my family in China live in shanty villages or tiny apartments only a little more bigger than my room, but they are more than generous and define the word resourceful. They treated me with incredible hospitality and were just happy, fun-loving people. My aunt and uncle in particular are people I really look up to. They don't have much, only a small one bedroom apartment, but they are some of the funniest people I know. They really know how to joke and make everything amusing, and they treated me like a princess when I was there by myself. I also have family in Vietnam, and this one time years ago, my family and I went to visit them. They lived as peasants on a farm and because they were so poor, my mum cried. It broke my heart to see that, but it also opened my eyes at the same time. There's a secret to happiness that they have found that so many westerners have not. My relatives are poor and do not have much, but what they do that we do different is that they put family above everything else. They find fulfillment in hospitality and helping each other. Westerners are out there to gain independent success, gain material wealth, add more 0's to their paycheck, drive the fanciest cars and wear the fanciest clothes. Isn't it funny that people who have everything are depressed and suicidal, whereas people who have nothing but have found meaning in family are the happiest people on the planet? There's something to it that I will never forget, but it's something that I have to remind myself everyday. It's like I am pushing against waves and waves of what is the materialistic and shallow culture that we live in today. I have to remind myself that things do not matter, for they are just temporary, breakable, perishable. People matter, all the time, because what you invest into them will reap eternal rewards and what they invest into you will grow for a lifetime.

One man in the documentary moved from his countryside village to the big city that is Shanghai to earn more money to support his family as a window cleaner. He sacrificed seeing his baby daughter grow up so he could help his family and father and give them money. He said that one day he wants to be able to buy and drive his own car one day, and then he'd know he'd made it. It made me sad to hear that, because he already had happiness - he just didn't realize it yet. At the same time, I was washed with gratefulness. I am so blessed and thankful that my mum has a stable job and makes money to support my whole family without having to move away or miss my childhood. I am grateful that we have 4 cars and had the money to afford it. I am grateful.

A 12 year old girl in the documentary was in hopes for training for the upcoming Beijing Olympics, but first had to make it onto the team. She trained since she was 2 years old just to be selected for the Olympic team, the dream to represent her country and win the gold pushing her to a staggering dedication and commitment level I hardly see here. Her family didn't know if this was the right thing, but her father pushed her and pushed her to continue the hard work in hopes that she will one day be an Olympic champion. It was cringing to see blisters covering her entire palms, the pain in her face and look of disappointment when her coach and father did not encourage her, but put her down when she didn't do her best. I am so blessed and thankful that my parents do not push me into a certain career, but let me make my own decisions about my life as long as I'm happy. I'm grateful that I had a childhood growing up and that I live in a country where I have the freedom to make choices and where I have opportunities to succeed in life. I am grateful that I have been encouraged and nourished in my life by beautiful people and that when I failed, they picked me up again. I am grateful that I did not have a nation's hope on my shoulders... but that people didn't expect so much from me at just 12 years old.

One woman in the documentary was a police officer and helped stopped drug trafficking. When the drug smugglers were caught, the penalty was a death sentence. She was successful in her career, however, her mother worried for her as she was single because no man could understand her dedication to her career, and also because she was scared that it was the wrong career choice for her. I am grateful that here, drug smuggling does not mean a death penalty... I am grateful that we have second chances here, but I am heartbroken that it isn't the same way in China. I am grateful that I have people supportive of my dreams. I am grateful that I am young and still have a long way to go in finding a husband who will cherish, love and respect me and my career choice.

Another woman lives in Shanghai. Her job is competitive, and the culture there is that the more beautiful you are, the better your career will go. For example, if there was a choice between two women for a job and they both had the same qualifications, the better looking one would get the job. This woman decides to get plastic surgery so she would be more successful in her job. It stunned me. I am grateful, so grateful that God and people around me have put the idea in me that looks do not get you everywhere, but hard work, dedication and commitment can. I am grateful that I have a hardworking mother to look up to who has taught me that steady hands can mean success. I am grateful that I do not have to get plastic surgery to succeed in life. I am heartbroken that any woman would think that altering the beautiful person she naturally is would help her get around in life. I agree that it helps, but it is not important and by no means worth going through surgery for.

In China, there is still unfairness, harshness and moral deficiency, and all countries do have that to a level, but it seems that China has it one of the worst. It makes me really sad to see what goes on in my country... but at the same time it puts in me a level of gratitude that I have never felt before. I'm not lucky, I'm blessed beyond belief. And that blessing that has been so generously imparted on me is not because I am better than any other person, but it is imparted so that I can too be a blessing. Blessed to be a blessing. Again, I am reminded that I have been given a lot, and what has been given to me, much will be expected. My encouragement to you all is to remind yourselves to be grateful for what you have and who you have around you because people in countries like China do not have it half as good. Everything in your life that is good and beautiful has been imparted by God for you to use it to be a blessing to others. Lastly, let's cherish what we have and enjoy the life and freedom we have been given!

Currently listening to: Mumford & Sons - Timshel

I thought that things like this get better with time...

It gets harder everyday, but I can't seem to shake the pain 

I'm trying to find the words to say, 'Please stay'

I can't function the same when you're not here 

I'm calling your name and no one's there  

I still can't believe you found somebody new  

But I wish you the best, I guess.

Listen to: John Legend - Everybody Knows

My eyes don't shed tears but boy they pour when I'm thinking about you.

When I was on the beach with one of my best friends Anja a few days ago, we were talking about my recent heartbreak and I asked her to tell me what to do. She said to me, 'Drive to a place really far that you love and haven't been to in a while. Take a journal, a book, music and just write down everything that happened and everything that you are feeling. Talk to God - be angry at Him if you want, but just talk to Him. And just rest.'
Yesterday, I did just that. I drove to Piha, a really beautiful beach an hour and a half away from my house. It felt really good, driving away from everything and everyone. There was hardly anyone on the beach, and I found a log and sat there and wrote in my journal everything that had happened recently and everything I was feeling. Afterward, I sat there admiring the beauty before me. White horizon, white waves, white sun, all blending seamlessly together before my eyes.

The past 9 months have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I fell in love with a wonderful man, and, hesistant to trust him, I let him chase me for 7 months. I was torn because I knew that this wasn't the man God had for me, he wasn't a Christian and he had a shady past playing girls... but a truth of life, if you really think about it, is that you can't choose who you fall in love with. After being depressed because of letting go of him, I decided to disobey and do what my heart told me to do. I started things with him again, and I flew down to see him and we spent a whole weekend together which was amazing despite arguing with him because he had slept with another girl. I forgave him, and we decided to officially start dating. I came back to Auckland, and all of a sudden, he changed. He didn't talk to me for a week. I tried to Skype with him three times but he didn't show up and left me waiting. And, out of the blue, he told me that his manager offered him to move overseas by the end of the year for a job transfer and he had to decide by that week.
One night after he had stood me up on Skype, I drove to my favorite lookout, upset, confused and heartbroken. My friend had always reminded me that he was sleeping with girls and flirting with them while he liked me, and he had even told her that he liked another girl too. It's funny, because when I see girls in relationships who are in the same situation I am in, I want to tell that girl, 'You deserve so much better than this jerk.' But it's different when you are in that situation because there are feelings involved. There's a level of care for that person that cannot fluctuate, even when that person cheats, lies and abuses you. Watching the glittering lights of the suburbs in my car, I realized that I was jealous and upset that he would go overseas, find another girl and take my heart with him while I was here heartbroken over him. But I never realized that I did have a life after him... there was hope after him. One day, I thought, I am going to find a man who respects me and loves me and will never intend to hurt me. We're going to travel, too, and have dogs and kids and lots of sex (in marriage of course). One thing that the jerk will never have over me is self-respect for cheating on me, and respect for me. At least I respected myself and him enough to be faithful, and I can hold my head high for that, but he can't.
After my epiphany, I decided to end it with him, but I needed closure - I needed to talk to him and get everything out on the table. I messaged him several times with no reply. One night, the floodgates to my heart finally opened and I poured my eyes out for an hour and a half, literally. I cried because the first man I have ever fallen in love with doesn't love me back and is likely to be taking my heart with him overseas this year.
I cried because I felt unloved and undesired.
I cried because he cheated.
I cried because every guy in my life has treated me like crap, and I must've been the problem. If I was pretty enough, smart enough, confident enough, they wouldn't have hurt me like this.
While some of my friends have been supportive of me and given me a lot of encouragement, it is still not easy to uproot beliefs that have been planted since you were born. I realized that the problem was not so much him, but me. I had a problem with myself. I believed that it was my fault he wasn't talking to me and chewed me up and spat me out. I believed that guys fall out in love with me because I am a boring person. I believed that every guy squashed me like a bug because I wasn't beautiful enough. I believed I was cheated on because I just simply wasn't enough. When I told Anja about this, she gave me a stunning analogy. She told me about a girl who had an abusive father, made some bad choices and ended up in prostitution where all males treated her like crap. The girl believed she was unworthy because of this. 'What would you tell her?' Anja asked. I thought a while and said, 'That it's a lie.' She brought it back to my situation, and told me that that prostitute was as worthy for love as any girl was. She told me that men didn't treat me like crap because there was something wrong with me - there was something wrong with them. If a guy constantly goes out, cheats and lies, there is nothing wrong with the girl, but it is his own problem.

Sitting on the log by myself at Piha, I thought about what Anja had said. I told myself that like that girl who was treated like crap by men all her life, she is and I am still beautiful and deserving of love. I told myself that one day, I am going to be with an amazing man and that there is a wonderful life awaiting me ahead of my heartbreak. I told myself it's going to take some time to get over him, and there will be days where I will cry and be depressed and feel like I can't go on, but one step at a time, one foot in front of the other is enough because eventually, if I keep going on on the right path, I'm going to get to a point where I will have healed from the pain. I also talked to God for the first time in weeks, and I wasn't angry at him. I told him I was sorry that I disobeyed him and that I know now that he only had my best interests in heart. I acknowledged that he just wants to be there for me and that we're going to take baby steps back onto the right path again. Driving back home, I felt so much peace and knew that that moment at Piha was a God moment, a good moment. One of the reasons that I know this was because I have never driven to Piha before by myself, and I didn't get lost once, not on the way there or back! Knowing me and my tendency to get lost all the time, this was a miracle, and I knew God was directing my car and looking out for me.

Since then, I have completely blocked all communication from him and I so that we will not be able to contact each other, and while I won't get my closure or know if he is moving or not, I know that this is the best for me. I cannot wait for something that's never going to happen anymore. I may as well start moving on. It is never easy, having someone you fell in love with not like you back, changing into a person you can't be with anymore and having to let them go. Some of the things that have helped me are crying, good friends, my sister, alone time & God time and the music of John Legend in particular. It is the hardest thing I have gone through, but I am learning to embrace this season of pain and heartbreak because I know that there is new life on the other side.

'Today I am moving on. Today I know that life is beautiful and today is my fresh start. Today there is hope."

Listen to: John Legend - Ordinary People

I've got my life in a suitcase, I'm ready to run, run, run away.

I can't believe it has happened again, I can't believe that this has happened to me.

I wish with all of my heart that I had money to buy a ticket to another country and never return. I wish I could drive and drive and drive and until I reach a coastline, and then swim and swim until I stop breathing. I wish I could sleep and never wake up. 

Right now, my heart is broken and my hope in love seems lost.

I hate him and I hate this.

 

Currently listening to: Of Monsters and Men - Yellow Light

Your loss.

To the douchebag that I was falling in love with:
I thought that you would never treat me like shit, screw another girl or play me, but I realize thanks to a friend who knows your gritty social life that you have done and are doing all those things to me. I haven't heard from you ever since I came back to Auckland. You don't text or call. When we are out you check out other girls. While you were 'chasing' me for 8 months, you screwed a chick who hated me and told one of my best friends that you liked another girl too. You recently slept with a girl two weeks after we ended things... so it makes me wonder how much I actually mean to you.
I can't believe I wasted all my time crying, wondering and worrying if you're going to cheat on me just because you live 600km away. I can't believe I agreed with you when you said that I'll regret losing you. You're all talk and no walk. Smooth words and false acclamations about yourself is all you have to show for yourself after all this time I wasted on you. Thanks for standing me up tonight and making me realize what a f#!ken d*%kbag you are. You made me feel shitty and insecure about myself, but tonight I know that I deserve so, so much more than you. Have fun rolling with 1s & 2s, cause' your 10 is gone ;)

And ladies...
"Respect yourself to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."

Be here now.