Furious Love.

It may be an hour and a half long, but it is absolutely worth the watch. A video about God's furious love in a world of darkness which has shaken me and blessed me like none other.
Watch it here.

It's okay not to feel okay.

I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by all the amount of assignments and to-do lists that came out of nowhere just after my 4 week holiday, which, if I am being honest, wasn't such a good idea because of just that - it was a holiday. Now I'm stuck in holiday mode where the most energy I am used to exerting in a day is getting out of bed to make coffee when I should be studying and getting those assignments done. Harvard psychologist Jerome Bruner says, 'You're more likely to act yourself into feeling; than feel yourself into action.' Boy, I wish that I could really believe that. In more exciting news, I got a job! Seriously, praise God - He has blessed me so much. This past year I have re-learnt the importance of having faith and trust in Him despite not knowing how things are going to work out or if He will really come through for me. I've ackowledged that I've got to throw that doubt out the window and just...believe. So, with the new job and the hectic term of exams (which will no doubt in my mind be studied for last minute), my mind is going a little haywire. Nothing me and my Jesus can't take on, though. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Everyday I've got to load up the PMA (positive mental attitude, f.y.i.).

I've also gotten into a good habit of doing a Bible reading plan which came with the new Bible I got recently. I havn't felt this enthused about reading God's Word in a long time and I'm enjoying it so much. I love opening to a story and learning something wonderful while also getting inspired by those men and women of God in ancient times. The faith, the love, the complete and helpless trust in God they had humbles me and pushes me to have that kind of relationship with God. Best story in the reading plan I've read so far? Jacob working 7 years to marry the lady he loved, Rachel.

I'm not too sure why, but with everything that has been going on I've become a recluse. I'd have to make a completely seperate post to explain that, though. All I have to say now is that my values and morals in life have become more concrete now. I'm going through that phase where I'm experiencing the wonderful but dreadful feeling of anticipation of watching the dust that has been agitated for so long settle down more. And if that means being a recluse, at the end of the day, it really is okay to feel how I feel...it really is okay to not be okay.

Listen to: David Dallas - Caught in a Daze feat. Freddie Gibbs

Running.

Today I didn't feel human. I couldn't feel, or, I didn't know what to feel. That hole inside my heart keeps getting a little deeper and that confusion about what to do to fill that hole keeps getting harder to bear.

I thought back to when I was a child, and I wish my father nurtured me and told me he loved me and cared about me. I wish my brother looked out for me and protected me. The truth is, a truth that I've learnt ever since I was 13 to get over, was that they didn't do any of these things, rather they did quite the opposite. Time and time again over my teenage years and even before then, I have felt rejection, both as a soul and a body. And as some of you know, I run from man to man to fulfil that need for acceptance. For me, to feel validate, to feel like a woman, is to feel men's lust for me. To be physically intimate with a man is something I crave and seek. I can't stop, and yet everytime it happens I get emptier. The funny thing is, I am terrified of committment. Sometimes I think that the reason why I have been single my whole life is not because I am willing to be patient for the right man God has in store for me, but rather because I am scared of being in a relationship with just one man when I could be having fun with others. However, something deep inside me tells me that this is not true.

I'm running, running out of patience and respect with myself and with men. More so with myself. Lately I have been feeling so ugly and second-best. My confidence is depleting, and everytime I get some sort of self-esteem boost it always manages to wither down again. My ezcema is something that people don't realise is a huge problem to me. I have had it ever since I was little and there are scars everywhere on my body to prove it. I don't wear anything that shows my skin, like a simple pair of shorts or a singlit, because when I stand in front of a mirror I cringe - if I am so taken aback with the skin I have had for 19 years, what makes me think that people will not be either? It has gotten a lot worse this year and this is the sole reason why I hate summer - I can't wear clothes that reveal even my shoulders. In a way, it has been a blessing, too. I am more modest because of it, and I know I would be more trashily dressed if I didn't have it.

Despite my feelings of being used, of worthlessness and loneliness, God's gentle voice rang out of nowhere today and told me that His love was all I was searching for and that He was waiting for me. Reading this post you may be able to put all of my broken peices together and try fix me, but I know. I know how messed up I am and I know God is my husband and that He is longing for me to find my worth and value in Him instead of taking it to a man. But all I have shown Him is unfaithfulness. I cannot tell you how many times I have run away from His perfect love for me. It seems like I have a problem committing to such an unfamiliar and strange concept. It sounds so utterly silly - why would anyone be scared of love? - but I'm afraid, you see. I'm afraid of rejection, I'm afraid of the monster living inside me waiting to run away again.
I do not want to sleep tonite. Bad dreams and memories seem to attack me when I close my eyes.

Thank you Jesus,

for my all my wonderful, sweet-lovin' friends;

for Anja, who loves and lifts me up more than I deserve,
for Hala, who give me the giggles everytime,
for Ling, who teaches me how to act like a lady and think like a boss,
for Jayesh, who brings out my wild side,
and for Linda, who warms my heart so much.

Thank you for my new bible,
for the fresh-smelling new carpet and wallpaper in my room,
for blankets to keep me warm at night when it's raining heavy outside,
for watching me closely when I go out (thank you for the sweet car parkings, too),
for a mumma who loves me and shows me how to love others the same,
and for the trees I see outside my window when I open my eyes in the morning.

I love you.

Currently listening to: The Ghost Inside - Between The Lines

My weekend...

...has been superb!

On Friday it was my 19th birthday. I went to the beach and a bush walk with my sister and at night I had dinner with one of my good girlfriends at the best sushi place in town. We had drinks afterwards, and that part was an utter downbuzz, but the next day made up for it - dinner with my best friend Anja, who I hadn't seen in months. It was such a beautiful and fun night. I can say that I am genuinely spoilt and loved. I adore my friends so much.
Tonite, the All Blacks beat Australia in the semi-finals and we are now advancing to the Rugby World Cup Finals against France :D Oh, I am so proud of them! It may not seem like I like rugby, but I'm the girl jumping up and down on the couch when our team scores a try. All Black forever and ever amen.
I hope everyone's weekend has been awesome!

Currently listening to: blink-182 - Snake Charmer

Dear boy,

Maybe I am just feeling a little lonely, but I miss talking to you. Even though things are a little awkward now, I still think you are such a kind and lovely boy. We may not get to kiss and hold hands and watch movies in bed like couples do, but I wish that we can be friends, because I think we would make great ones.
I will never find the courage to tell you in real life, but I sincerely hope that you are happy. I hope that you find a pretty girl who loves your band and reads books with you. I hope you get to see your parents one day. I hope that one day you can finally quit your job and travel the world. You were nothing but wonderful to me, and I miss talking to you.

Love,

Jenny.

'Are you fighting for me Lord?' 'Everyday.'

Last week I was talking to a good friend on the phone and she said to me that she thought Bible college was a waste of time and to go to University and get a degree. Someone important to me also said it was a waste of money. It sounds crazy, but, aswell as being humbled by their honesty, I am hugely encouraged by what they said. I am 110% sure, with all of my heart, that this is where I'm supposed to be. And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. I know that I wouldn't be happy if I go to University because there is nothing more fulfilling than waking up everyday to learn about the One who first loved me. Yes, it is challanging and most days it tires me out, and yes I have considered from time to time whether spending my time and money learning about the Bible was beneficial, but a series of revelations has told me that God is going to use this course to change my life and prepare me for what is ahead. I believe that where I am at the very moment in my life is all part of God's plan.

I guess that those seemingly negative comments are comforting to me because if I didn't get any, then I would worry. Where God has put you, there are bound to be people who won't understand or agree and even do things to stop you from walking in His path. Additionally, what my beloved ones said are affirming my doing something different with my life. Most of my friends and I don't have the same values. I'm not striving to get rich, to get a nice house with a nice family. I'm not looking to get famous and attain excessive material wealth. Heck, I don't even know what I want to do with my life just yet, but I know that trying to catch the wind isn't it. God will reveal to me His plans in His time.

In the meantime, this quote is relevant, and I couldn't have put what I'm feeling into better words myself:

"You have a right to experiment with your life. You will make mistakes. And they are right too. No, I think there was too rigid a pattern. You came out of an education and are supposed to know your vocation. Your vocation is fixed, and maybe ten years later you find you are not a teacher anymore or you’re not a painter anymore. It may happen. It has happened. I mean Gauguin decided at a certain point he wasn’t a banker anymore; he was a painter. And so he walked away from banking. I think we have a right to change course. But society is the one that keeps demanding that we fit in and not disturb things. They would like you to fit in right away so that things work now."
Anaïs Nin

Currently listening to: Copeland - California

If.

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Rudyard Kipling

Oh dear.

I feel yuck, yuck, yuck today :(

The Office and tea makes everything better.

Currently listening to: Bon Iver - Michicant

Last words.

This is a video I want to share with everyone about a man who died of cancer on May 16th, 2010. He left behind an inspiring message: 'God is God. And God is good.'

Watch it here.