Running.

Today I didn't feel human. I couldn't feel, or, I didn't know what to feel. That hole inside my heart keeps getting a little deeper and that confusion about what to do to fill that hole keeps getting harder to bear.

I thought back to when I was a child, and I wish my father nurtured me and told me he loved me and cared about me. I wish my brother looked out for me and protected me. The truth is, a truth that I've learnt ever since I was 13 to get over, was that they didn't do any of these things, rather they did quite the opposite. Time and time again over my teenage years and even before then, I have felt rejection, both as a soul and a body. And as some of you know, I run from man to man to fulfil that need for acceptance. For me, to feel validate, to feel like a woman, is to feel men's lust for me. To be physically intimate with a man is something I crave and seek. I can't stop, and yet everytime it happens I get emptier. The funny thing is, I am terrified of committment. Sometimes I think that the reason why I have been single my whole life is not because I am willing to be patient for the right man God has in store for me, but rather because I am scared of being in a relationship with just one man when I could be having fun with others. However, something deep inside me tells me that this is not true.

I'm running, running out of patience and respect with myself and with men. More so with myself. Lately I have been feeling so ugly and second-best. My confidence is depleting, and everytime I get some sort of self-esteem boost it always manages to wither down again. My ezcema is something that people don't realise is a huge problem to me. I have had it ever since I was little and there are scars everywhere on my body to prove it. I don't wear anything that shows my skin, like a simple pair of shorts or a singlit, because when I stand in front of a mirror I cringe - if I am so taken aback with the skin I have had for 19 years, what makes me think that people will not be either? It has gotten a lot worse this year and this is the sole reason why I hate summer - I can't wear clothes that reveal even my shoulders. In a way, it has been a blessing, too. I am more modest because of it, and I know I would be more trashily dressed if I didn't have it.

Despite my feelings of being used, of worthlessness and loneliness, God's gentle voice rang out of nowhere today and told me that His love was all I was searching for and that He was waiting for me. Reading this post you may be able to put all of my broken peices together and try fix me, but I know. I know how messed up I am and I know God is my husband and that He is longing for me to find my worth and value in Him instead of taking it to a man. But all I have shown Him is unfaithfulness. I cannot tell you how many times I have run away from His perfect love for me. It seems like I have a problem committing to such an unfamiliar and strange concept. It sounds so utterly silly - why would anyone be scared of love? - but I'm afraid, you see. I'm afraid of rejection, I'm afraid of the monster living inside me waiting to run away again.
I do not want to sleep tonite. Bad dreams and memories seem to attack me when I close my eyes.