Friday, March 29, 2013

Never Been Kissed.

"That thing, that moment when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person... you realize that this person is the only one you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. For one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it will go away all at the same time."
Josie Geller, Never Been Kissed

I hope, and I know that one day this will be true for me.

P.s, I am such a sucker for romance, not even ashamed about it. If you would like the perfect soundtrack to your daydreaming, I recommend this playlist:
http://8tracks.com/lamusette/carpe-diem

Enjoy!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

In Transit.

I'm 20 years old but I still love to turn music up loud and dance in my PJs around the house (whilst drinking hot chocolate!) Not even sad about it :) On this beautiful day, it's this song I'm crazy about right now!


Riding In Cars With Boys

"Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just means your heart's too big."


Love this movie!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Hello!

I had a wonderful weekend. I had drinks with my flatmates at a bar, went to see my friend who flew down from Auckland to play a gig at Puppies, and after a night with no sleep, went to the farmer's market and got some fruit and an assortment of foreign food. So in love with waking up in the morning and enjoying the city when no one else is around.

On Saturday morning at around 5am, I couldn't get to bed, so I decided to go for a power walk around Oriental Bay. While I was exercising, I was reminded of a man I saw recently who waded into the cold water at the very same spot in the early morning for a swim, and I thought how beautiful someone's life would be if they did that every morning. Spontaneously, I decided to go for a swim in the night ocean. I found a secluded spot where no one could see me, took of my clothes and my running shoes, and with a squeal I jumped into the water. I swum and swum and swum, the water closing over my head, and as I looked up at the night sky, all I could feel was happiness. I wish I stayed longer, but this beach has been known to have sharks in the shallows, but anyhow, it was such an exhilarating experience. Because of my skin, I have never worn a bikini and swum in the ocean in all my life. To do so, in my bra and underwear, was a small dream come true. That crisp morning, I ran home laughing, hair and clothes wet, sand in my shoes, a new sort of happiness running through my heart.

I can't believe it's been a month since my heartbreak. When I talked to my best friend on Skype about it, she told me that the first thing I needed to do before anything else was to take care of myself. And that's exactly what I have been doing, and my goal in life at the moment. To run, to enjoy beautiful sunsets, to jump into the ocean laughing, to look at the stars, to eat well but also to buy a bag of chocolate and eat them all in bed, to paint glitter on my nails, to dye my hair a crazy color, to smile, and laugh, and flirt, and dammit, to dance like crazy. I know ever since that night in bed when I cried and cried and thought that hope was over, God has been comforting me and embracing me so tightly that no matter where I am or what I do or how I feel, I feel warmth - a warmth that comes only from knowing that you are loved.

My recommendation - if you feel like you have lost it, if you feel unmotivated, if you feel so utterly heartbroken and disappointed with life - is to do something stupidly insane and never look back! I am sure that if you put yourself out there like that, life will reward you for it. What is there to lose? Life is beautiful and no matter how you feel, if you look for it's beauty you will always see it.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Ramblings.

I never get homesick. Ever. Whenever I am away from home, I always cherish it and never want to go back. But lately, I have been missing home a lot. I thought it was going to be great to move out and get away from Auckland... but as I was looking through my photo album tonight, I got a pang of sadness. I miss my gorgeous little sister & best friend Sarah, I miss my beautiful friend Anja, I miss my mum, I miss my bed and my room. I miss natural light streaming into it and I miss the space. Here, I am living in a 2x2 with no sun, even when it's a sunny day.

I hate to complain, but I'm surprised how hard it is for me living in Wellington. I haven't made any good friends here, and with all the bad memories tainted everywhere, I just want to move away again. I thought it was going to be a lot of fun, but the people here don't seem so friendly anymore, and already I feel that people gossip about me. My sleeping pattern has gotten worse, and I haven't turned up to Uni for a week now, and even didn't hand in my last two assignments even though I did them. Also, I don't know how to pay rent tomorrow morning, whiiich is in about 4 hours.

Stressed, confused, homesick, broke and missing people. But also, happy that I have been blessed with such a rich and wonderful life. Thank you Lord for shelter, food and education despite these minute problems.

Alsooo, watched Black Swan tonight, and I must say that it wasn't as bad as people made it out to be. It wasn't too disturbing (I have seen worse) and the symbolism was quite obvious throughout. Natalie Portman's acting was incredibly impressive, so I would recommend it to people on the basis of that! I watched The Intouchables too, and I enjoyed it. Very heartwarming.

Okay, that's all I wanted to say :)

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

A girl crush.

Can I just profess my love for Drew Barrymore for a while? I usually don't do this, but she blows my mind with her beauty, grace and happiness. Ever since I was little, she has been my favorite actress because I loved that she wasn't ashamed to be silly and vulnerable. What makes her more appealing to me is that she had an incredibly rough childhood, and to see her blossom into this inspiring woman encourages me deeply. Just reading her pearls of wisdom instantly makes me want to be a better person, and also to be happier. I can relate in some ways to her life, and I feel a fresh breeze of motivation for life coming on. Sounds so silly because she is a mega celebrity and I am talking about her like I know her! I don't have many people I can look up to, but hands down she is one of them. Just wanted to share some quotes of hers... I hope it will lift you up as much as it lifted me.

“I think happiness is what makes you pretty. Period. Happy people are beautiful. They become like a mirror and they reflect that happiness.”  

“If you don't take risks, you'll have a wasted soul.” 

“In the end, some of your greatest pains become your greatest strengths.”  

“There's something liberating about not pretending. Dare to embarrass yourself. Risk.” 

“When I lay my head on the pillow at night, I can say I was a decent person today. That's when I feel beautiful.”  

“I am fundamentally happy. Everyone has experiences that makes them cynical, jaded or unhappy - you just have to fight those things off. I have totally emotional days when I cry and get insecure. PMS weirded out, doomed and tragic. I mean, I'm definitely not just a lollipop, happy in the wind girl. I'm human just like everyone else, but I think that it would be tragic to be on your deathbed and think, 'I could've I should've.' That gets me out of bed everyday. I can't even last like an hour in bed in the morning. I have to get out there and live.” 

“God made a very obvious choice when he made me voluptuous; why would I go against what he decided for me? My limbs work, so I'm not going to complain about the way my body is shaped.”

"I love romance. I'm a sucker for it. I love it so much. It's pathetic."

"There's a tremendous difference between alone and lonely. You could be lonely in a group of people. I like being alone. I like eating by myself. I go home at night and just watch a movie or hang out with my dog. I have to exert myself and really say, oh God, I've got to see my friends 'cause I'm too content being by myself."


"I've always said that one night, I'm going to find myself in some field somewhere, I'm standing on grass, and it's raining, and I'm with the person I love, and I know I'm at the very point I've been dreaming of getting to."

"I pray to be like the ocean, with soft currents, maybe waves at times. More and more, I want the consistency rather than the highs and the lows."

"You can't live your life blaming your failures on your parents and what they did or didn't do for you. You're dealt the cards that you're dealt. I realized it was a waste of time to be angry at my parents and feel sorry for myself."


"I never want to get to the point where it's all about my needs, and the hell with anybody else."

Monday, March 18, 2013

And love is all that I need, and I found it there in your heart.

I wish I was brave enough to tell him that I love him deeply, even though I know he doesn't feel the same way.
I wish I didn't miss him so much, even though he is thousands and thousands of miles away.

My words are true... nothing could change what you mean to me.


     Listen to: Joe Coffee - Heaven (DJ Sammy Cover)

Monday, March 4, 2013

Eyes like sky.

I said "I wish you could see the ocean"
He said "I wish you could see hope"
I said "Have you ever seen the mountains?"
He said "No, but my faith could move those"
I said "I wish you could see the stars"
He told me I should see love.

Frank Ocean - Eyes Like Sky

Yesterday felt like the worst day of my life because I finally lost my heart to someone who does not want it. This person was and is the love of my life and someone I can't imagine my life without. I always had hope that maybe one day something would work out between him and I, but the little hope I had for us was dashed completely that day. 

People asked me in the past how I kept holding on when everything was lost. I held on because I knew that he was worth giving myself to. Now, the everything I gave to him was rejected for another girl and I can't help but fall into an abyss of depression again. My mind has been swarming with probing, unanswered questions and negative thoughts. I kept telling myself this wasn't happening and that he will come back to me one day. I know in my head that it is now impossible, even though my heart still wants to keep holding on. I have trudged on for so long to keep our relationship alive, and now that he is gone forever, I do not know what to do with myself anymore. It is like I have hit a wall where the pieces don't fit anymore. 

I have cried and cried, and thought and thought if this life is still worth living when I always keep getting torn and ripped apart by people, by men. I keep getting flashbacks of our argument, of his words which felt like he was twisting and wringing my heart out of all life. 

Today, I couldn't wake up, I couldn't eat and I couldn't talk to anyone. I feel utterly rejected and worthless. People always tell me, 'Give it time.' But to me, it means nothing. I get so frustrated when I hear this, because time is what I do not have. I cannot just wait to have my heart healed. I want numbness, forgetfulness and healing now because this hurts so much. It hurts more than when my parents abused me, more than when I was sexually abused, more than when I was an empty soul from running from men to men when I was a teenager. It is the pain of lost love and hopelessness - the biggest defeat in my eyes.

I look forward, four years of University ahead of me starting tomorrow, and I cannot do it. I do not have the strength or motivation to do this anymore, to follow my dreams, to imagine a better future. I don't want to live here in Wellington anymore, I want to go back to Auckland, to my room, far away from this place that is all tainted with our memories together and now with his betrayal. The kisses, the holding of hands, the arguments, the nights spent holding each other, the eye contact, the smell of his body, the laughs, the tears... it is all so overwhelming knowing that it is lost, that they are things which can never happen again. It is even more difficult that I am living here where it all happened. Everything I see, everywhere I go, every building, every song, every seat, every restaurant reminds me of him and it makes me very sad. I just want to sleep for days... better yet, I want to go Home.

How do I live and carry on now, with little to nothing of my heart and soul left? I have borne too much pain in this life, enough of it. My God has to take me Home now, He just has to.

Jonathan Dalton