Eyes like sky.

I said "I wish you could see the ocean"

He said "I wish you could see hope"

I said "Have you ever seen the mountains?"

He said "No, but my faith could move those"

I said "I wish you could see the stars"

He told me I should see love.

Frank Ocean - Eyes Like Sky

Yesterday felt like the worst day of my life because I finally lost my heart to someone who does not want it. This person was and is the love of my life and someone I can't imagine my life without. I always had hope that maybe one day something would work out between him and I, but the little hope I had for us was dashed completely that day. 

People asked me in the past how I kept holding on when everything was lost. I held on because I knew that he was worth giving myself to. Now, the everything I gave to him was rejected for another girl and I can't help but fall into an abyss of depression again. My mind has been swarming with probing, unanswered questions and negative thoughts. I kept telling myself this wasn't happening and that he will come back to me one day. I know in my head that it is now impossible, even though my heart still wants to keep holding on. I have trudged on for so long to keep our relationship alive, and now that he is gone forever, I do not know what to do with myself anymore. It is like I have hit a wall where the pieces don't fit anymore. 

I have cried and cried, and thought and thought if this life is still worth living when I always keep getting torn and ripped apart by people, by men. I keep getting flashbacks of our argument, of his words which felt like he was twisting and wringing my heart out of all life. 

Today, I couldn't wake up, I couldn't eat and I couldn't talk to anyone. I feel utterly rejected and worthless. People always tell me, 'Give it time.' But to me, it means nothing. I get so frustrated when I hear this, because time is what I do not have. I cannot just wait to have my heart healed. I want numbness, forgetfulness and healing now because this hurts so much. It hurts more than when my parents abused me, more than when I was sexually abused, more than when I was an empty soul from running from men to men when I was a teenager. It is the pain of lost love and hopelessness - the biggest defeat in my eyes.

I look forward, four years of University ahead of me starting tomorrow, and I cannot do it. I do not have the strength or motivation to do this anymore, to follow my dreams, to imagine a better future. I don't want to live here in Wellington anymore, I want to go back to Auckland, to my room, far away from this place that is all tainted with our memories together and now with his betrayal. The kisses, the holding of hands, the arguments, the nights spent holding each other, the eye contact, the smell of his body, the laughs, the tears... it is all so overwhelming knowing that it is lost, that they are things which can never happen again. It is even more difficult that I am living here where it all happened. Everything I see, everywhere I go, every building, every song, every seat, every restaurant reminds me of him and it makes me very sad. I just want to sleep for days... better yet, I want to go Home.

How do I live and carry on now, with little to nothing of my heart and soul left? I have borne too much pain in this life, enough of it. My God has to take me Home now, He just has to.

Jonathan Dalton