Little things like these.

As I was walking down the Wellington waterfront one beautiful Saturday afternoon, I saw a couple with their kid. They were standing near some seagulls and were trying to get the kid close enough to take a picture with them. To some people, this scene seems mundane. But to me, at that moment it was magical, and instantaneously I felt a strong desire in my heart to have that one day. To have a husband and a kid, to go to the waterfront and take pictures with seagulls, all rugged up in jackets and scarves and beanies and backpacks. I am surprised that I felt this way because I love my independence and without a doubt marriage and kids scare me. Maybe I am beginning to warm up to it.

Currently listening to: Clarity (Zedd Union Remix) - Zedd feat. Foxes

On Her Way

Goodmorning! ♥

The past couple weeks I feel I have been stretched a little thin. I felt bitterness and resentment toward people, even if they did the slightest thing which should not have annoyed me in the first place at all. When it gets to that point, I know I need to take a step back from everything and check myself before I wreck myself. Ultimately, what has helped me get myself out of such destructive thoughts has been God. Somehow, when I come into His presence or read His word, I feel a peace that He is all I ever really need. He will give me the love, the compassion and the patience I need to deal with people everyday. It helps knowing that the people you come across in your everyday life are meant to be, and in that case, God's grace is sufficient enough for you to soldier through the day. Also, here are some quotes that have warmed my heart and given me much needed encouragement. Most are from a blog I have mentioned here before called On Her Way which is a quote and inspiration blog that I adore. Be blessed!

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable.
Be honest and transparent anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People who really want help may attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt.
Give the world your best anyway."

Mother Teresa, Meditations from a Simple Path

"Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."

Harold Whitman

"I think a beautiful woman is someone who is confident but not competitive with other women - someone who is warm to everyone. Because my mother told me ever since I can remember that beauty is from within, that looks will fade. I have always been aware that you have to have something deeper to be really beautiful."

Beyonce
 
"Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness, heart, talent, guts. That’s what little girls are made of; the hell with sugar and spice."

Unknown

 "The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

Elizabeth Kubler Ross

"A great burden was lifted from my shoulders the day I realized that no one owes me anything."

Harry Browne

 "I was neurotic for years. I was anxious and depressed and selfish. Everyone kept telling me to change. I resented them and I agreed with them, and I wanted to change, but simply couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. Then one day someone said to me, “Don’t change. I love you just as you are.” Those words were music to my ears: “Don’t change, Don’t change. Don’t change … I love you as you are.” I relaxed. I came alive. And suddenly I changed!"

Anthony de Mello

"The greatness comes not when things go always good for you. But the greatness comes when you’re really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes. Because only if you’ve been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain."

Richard M. Nixon

"Stay close to anything that makes you glad that you are alive."

Hafiz

"It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to say no to someone you love. It’s okay to say no to a friend. It’s okay to say no to a parent or child. It’s okay to say no to a job or relationship. It’s okay to say no to sexual advances. And it’s okay to say no to a person who’s romantically interested in you. Even if it hurts someone’s feelings, even if you disappoint people, even if you’re judged and ostracized — it’s okay to say no to anything and anyone that causes you pain or makes you uncomfortable... You’re allowed to set limits and boundaries. And you deserve to make your happiness and wellbeing a priority. You don’t ever have to settle for something or someone that doesn’t feel right. And you definitely don’t have to compromise yourself for the sake of making other people happy. You have to take care of yourself, and if that means saying no, it’s more than okay."
Daniell Koepke

 "The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before."

Albert Einstein

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson

"May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds."

 Edward Abbey

 
"Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

Jack Kerouac

"Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough."

 Oprah Winfrey

"You are the only person who is in charge of how you feel about yourself. Nobody else can possibly do that. You get to decide if you believe you are beautiful or not, and nobody can take it away from you. If someone suggests that you aren’t beautiful, you can consider how sad it is that they have such a limited view of beauty. You can consider how unfortunate it is that they have such an exaggerated sense of self-importance that they think you should care about what they think. You can also choose to realize that it has nothing at all to do with your beauty and everything to do with their limitations."
Ragen Chastain

"It's through mistakes and wrong turns that we find our way to the truth."

Yours truly

"If you decide to take just a moment, just a moment to get still, to clear your mind, to open your heart, to listen to that sacred voice that guides you, that protects you, that knows and loves you, you are going to have a good day."

Iyanla Vanzant

"Decide in your heart of hearts what really excites and challenges you, and start moving your life in that direction. Every decision you make, from what you eat to what you do with your time tonight, turns you into who you are tomorrow, and the day after that. Look at who you want to be, and start sculpting yourself into that person. You may not get exactly where you thought you’d be, but you will be doing things that suit you in a profession you believe in. Don’t let life randomly kick you into the adult you don’t want to become."

  Chris Hadfields 

 "No one can depress you. No one can make you anxious. No one can hurt your feelings. No one can make you anything other than what you allow inside."

Max Ehrmann, Staying on The Path 

"I’ve noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters. They get excited over one smile. They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren’t determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they’re satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world."

Beth Clark, Kisses from Katie

"What’s difficult in life is to stay centered when somebody does or says something that tempts us to close our hearts because their heart was closed. That is hard. But that is also how we grow. We go through those circumstances in order to evolve into people who can hold to our loving center no matter what the world throws us."

Marianne Williamson

Listen to: Draw Near - Bethel Music

Truly, madly, deeply.

It dawned on me today how much things have changed and how fast they are changing, even as I sit pondering it. It makes me sad. It makes me wish that I could go back in time and hold onto what was lost, to replay those moments in the past that still haunt me today.

Have you ever seen the new, re-created movie The Great Gatsby? I decided one Friday night to take myself on a date (cheesy, I know) for coffee and a movie, the most perfect combination ever. I decided to watch The Great Gatsby, and I don't regret it. That movie was the best movie I have seen in a cinema and captivated my heart from start to finish. Prior to watching it, I thought it was going to be a movie far away from genuine human emotion or experience, but I was stunned with how much I actually related to it and felt with the protagonist, Gatsby. For those of you who haven't seen it, I won't go into details. I will just say that Gatsby is truly, madly and deeply in love with a girl named Daisy. I must admit, at the end I cried because it turns out that, unlike most love stories, love didn't win in this particular one.

It made me think a lot later on that night and it made me miss my first love terribly. Maybe I moved to Wellington because of him? Maybe I made sure I was too busy trying to convince myself and everyone else that I moved here for myself so I didn't have to face the reality that it was a gaping lie? Maybe. But definitely, like Gatsby, I am trying to hold onto the past and consequently putting too much hope in the illusion that what is lost can be gained again. I am the undoing of myself.

When I was on the plane returning to Wellington two and a half weeks ago from Auckland, it was a grey day and my heart was sad to leave Auckland. For all I knew, I was flying back to a tainted city, a place of heartbreak, a place where everything around me reminds me that I have lost. Ever since I arrived here, when I walk out of my apartment, I get nervous. I'm scared I will see him, with or without his girlfriend, and I'm scared about how I will react. I make sure I look nice every time I set out in hopes that I will see him, but every time I go home a pang of sadness weighs me down because I didn't. I look at his picture almost everyday so that I don't forget what he looks like. I have been wondering whether or not it is terribly romantic or terribly creepy to wait outside his work for the chance that I might just see his warm face again. I dream about him constantly and have had sleepless nights thinking about him, what was and what could have been. Knowing all the while that his girlfriend gets to spend everyday with him is difficult for me. It doesn't bother me much that they live together or even that they make love to each other. What makes it unbearable at times is knowing that he is holding her at night when I would give everything I own away for that opportunity again.

This is the longest period of time that we haven't seen or talked to each other. I realized one night ago that it has been almost 8 months since my heart broke finding out that he was in a relationship. 8 months. For 8 months I have carried this painful truth in my heart. And it is 2 months from the day which marks the time we spent a weekend together, the weekend I fell in love with him. 5 more months and a bit and it will mark the first time I met him, 2 years ago. Time flies, don't it? 

Oh, how God knows how much I miss him, and long for him, and love him. How many prayers has He heard of me trying to bribe Him, pleading that I would give anything, even my dreams and my future husband that He has for me, if only He would give me back my lost love. I am still convinced that no girl could ever love him more than I do, but I know there is nothing I can do anymore, and the powerlessness I feel is defeating me. 

If I think about things like this too much, I start getting anxious. But it is one of those days where the past seems sadder than it usually does. It seems like I can go down many roads in life to avoid those consuming thoughts, but in the end, it always leads me back to him.

 

Currently listening to: Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy