Fresh inspiration 2.

Jason from The Ember Days posted this on Facebook this morning (Note: Spelling grammers etc I found were edited):

The call to love. Jesus emphasized over and over again that the most important thing or doctrine that we should place over every other (the first and greatest commandment) is, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength and love your neighbor as Christ has loved you."

We have all heard that our entire lives growing up in church. It seems like a no brainer, most people think they get it. I don't think we get it at all. This is a call to unconditional love. A love that is not helped back by different doctrines or belief systems. Jesus' love is not based upon your performance or your theology. He loves because it is who he is and he has called us to do the same.

Imagine for a moment that churches loved each other like they love and show kindness to their own denomination. If we are called to love and bless our enemies, surely you would expect we are meant to bless our own brothers. Jesus said if you hate your brother you live in death. Far out... I think there is a lot of people living in a place of death. I think a lot of the body of Christ right now is living in death and proud of it.

Why do churches split? Denominations divide? Theology, sin and around human nature. The thing is if we are called to unconditional love and to bless even our enemies. Our love to our brothers should be unchanged even if they have different thoughts on the end times, gay marriage, or whatever. You are post-modern you may think... nope. The responsibility is to love no matter what theology people have. Is truth important? Yes, truth is to be pursued, that is Jesus. But at the end of the day, the pursuit of knowledge and truth does not take away from the first and greatest commandment... To LOVE. 1 Corinthians 13:2 says, "If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing."

The Lord is saying that knowledge with out love is meaningless. Even if you fathom all mysteries (if you have the understanding of God himself) and do not love like we have been called to... If love isn't our priority, we are nothing... harsh? I don't think so. I think it is just a reflection of God's priority to love his creation and for us as believers to do the same. For so long the church has been focused on being right, fathoming the mysteries, understanding prophecy eg. end times that has lead to many church splits and much division. Imagine, if the doctrine... the truth that we held closest to us was the one that Jesus told us to... the call and responsibility of the believer to show unconditional love.

How awesome would it be if the Church was known for its love for one another like Jesus prayed. I didn't see him praying that the church would be known for its correct eschatology, doctrine or theology. At the end of the the day... pursue Jesus the truth, pursue wisdom, pursue knowledge and the mysteries of the scripture, but hold unconditional love of people that believe and think differently to you higher than your opinions or revelations or what ever you believe they are. Love like crazy and that will change the world.

Currently listening to: Sleeping Giant - These Streets Don't Lie

Fresh inspiration 1.

I spent my morning getting inspired by bands' love for Jesus Christ. I watched a documentary on spirit-filled hardcore Sleeping Giant, and these are a couple of quotes from the lead singer Thom Green:

"Christianity 101 - bless your enemies. Love, fast, give, pray - bless your enemies...I was thinking about people like Martin Luther King and Mohatma Ghandi...and just by the overwhelming power of civil disobedience and standing when they're being mistreated and not responding back and retaliating - there's power in that because that's Jesus for real. There's an element of the love of God that comes out in those situations, so when you're wronged and you don't fight back, God begins to work on your behalf and...I want people to come into repentance, I want them to change their thoughts about who He is, I want them to see Him and I want them to rise up."

On commercial success:
"There's a whole culture machine behind bands and it's garbage man. There's a part where at the end of the day, if you're not closer to Jesus because of the ministry you do, can it. Just get out of there. The minute we (Sleeping Giant) start substituting money for substance and for being sincere I'm out. We're out. We're done. Cause it's a joke...We're not gonna be concerned with trying to do it like everybody else. It's not gonna happen. Not on my watch. My life is too important to me. And I've already traded some of it to corporate America and I'm not going to trade it to the culture machine."

People like Thom Green really inspire me and point me back to the substance of my faith. The line between being a 'modern' Christian and a 'worldy' Christian is so thin to me. There is this mentality amoung our generation that says it is okay to be a Christian and still get caught up in consumerism, partying, rude humour, degrading music and so forth, ONLY if on Sundays you act holier than thou and go to church. Is that okay? Have we lost what it means to be a Christian in the world today?
For me, the definition of being a Christian has been flipped upside down and shaken. The term 'Christian' isn't a label you put on yourself just because you attend church and sing in the worship band. It's not a term to be used and abused to a make you feel superior to everyone else. It's not a term gleaming with promise but when inspected is rotton inside. Christianity is a lifestyle, the way you live every moment, in every decision you make. It's in the way you think, what you do and what you say. It's gaurding your one heart from the evils of this world, even if it's denying yourself from listening to an artist that promotes sexual immorality, or choosing a skirt that's below the knee and not above the knee. It's a relationship with God which breathes love - more specifically, the love for His heart and His values.
Maybe our generation has taken grace as a ticket to sin. I think the majority of us have thought 'God will forgive me anyway' at some point in our lives before we did what we knew was wrong. But there's power in the choices you make everyday. There's power in your decision that it's okay not to drink. There's power in turning off a sex-crazed radio station. There's power in saying no to drugs. There's power in blocking porn sites on your computer. There's POWER when you choose to do what is right. When that happens, like Green says, that's Jesus for real. And when we take that stand, God moves. Not only in our lives, but in our generations. I am dreaming and hoping and praying that we can be part of a Holy Spirit empowered movement where people do not give themselves to such demonic enforced industries such porn, drugs and alcohol but to LOVE.

I am hoping that we havn't done it all wrong. I am hoping that the values that Jesus held in his heart and evidently in the way he lived would align with ours. Cause man, I am far from being a real Christian. I am far from taking my identity away from the world's hands. It's time to pray. It's time to fight.

Listen to: Sleeping Giant - The Army of the Chosen One

You fight for me when I can't fight for myself.

'I am always aware of the Lord's presence; He is near, and nothing can shake me.'

Psalm 16:8

What a beautiful morning I have had with the Lord. I listened to The Ember Days' album 'Emergency,' soaking in the glorious sunrise which filled my soul and left me breathless at the same time.

I highly recommend The Ember Days' album. You can download it for free (and legally) here.
My favourite songs are 'High Above' 'Adore' and 'Sound of You.'
Also, for all you indie folk lovers, have a listen to The Middle East. Unfortunately they are no longer together, but nonetheless their music is beautiful. My favourite track would hands down be 'Blood.'
Enjoy!


Illustration by Anna Emilia Laitinen.

Desperation.

The devil has been attacking me furiously lately, and I'm already giving in. I'm neck high in my sin.

God has shown me nothing but unwavering love, forgiveness and healing and yet I am brave enough to spit on the cross and show no gratefulness for it.
I have no words for how weak I feel and how disgusted I am with myself.

It's time to get on my knees again. It's time to bleed, sweat and cry for forgiveness again. I can't do this alone. I won't let the devil drag me down again.

Currently listening to: The Middle East - Lonely

The 10 Campaign.

70% of the world's cocoa is produced in West Africa, where many farms employ children that are trafficked and forced to work in conditions akin to slavery.

• 10 YEARS ago the biggest chocolate companies promised to get rid of child trafficking in the cocoa industry in West Africa.
• 10 YEARS on, despite their promises, we only have a tiny amount of Traffik Free chocolate.
• 10 YEARS have earned the cocoa industry £600 billion. Only 0.0075% of this has been invested into improving working conditions in West Africa.

(Picture and information taken from the STOP THE TRAFFIK website).

As long as our young brothers and sisters in West Africa are being enslaved for cocoa, we are not free either. Please help eradicate child slavery in the cocoa business by signing this petition and getting some of your mates to aswell.

Ramblings.

It's awfully easy to compare yourself with other girls. Sometimes I'll look at a lady and think, 'I'll never be like that. I am much too lonely, much too quiet, much too screwed up to be pretty and wonderful.' Other times I try to anchor myself on the truth that I am not defined by who I think I am or what I have but by God. Everlasting He is, and He calls me precious, worthy to die for and a masterpeice in my own way.

It's getting harder to allow God to strip me from me. There is this form of panic that hits me everytime I realise how much there is to sacrifice for Him. I am lying on the alter, apprehensive, worrying because for the first time I'm going to experience what it feels like to hold close to nothing. But I trust Him. God, I trust you. In my heart I know there is nothing to fear, for when I lose myself I am gaining Him.
For me, the hardest thing to give up to God is finding a man to one day call my husband. I officially gave that to God today and decided from here on out I'm going to focus on the calling that God has for my life instead. Some people are callled to be single their whole life and there is that possibility that it may be my calling too. I trust that if it is, God will help me live out single life with a pure heart. You know, thinking about it, I don't really mind if I marry or not. There is this overrated hype over it these days...or maybe I am just speaking from inexperience? Ah, all I know is that boys come as one of my last priorities now.
As uncomfortable this whole season of refining is (who knew that trying not to care about trivial things is so hard to do?), I feel so content. It is such a joy to surrender to God, sacrifice for God and please God.

Listen to: The Paper Kites - Woodland

The beginning of healing.

So much has happened since I wrote the last blog post...yeah, I am feeling a little stupid at the moment at how depressed I was. I truly hope no one got upset over it and I am sorry if you did. I mostly type up things at the whim of how I am feeling at that particular moment and sometimes I don't take caution, so forgive me. I'm thinking this blog has become too much of an online diary, haha.

Anyway, on Wednesday I had a meeting with the dean of women at my Bible college, Hope. We had the best, most healing talk about everything I was feeling and going through at the time. So often people think that when someone tells you about their problems we have to fix them by giving them advice and our own input, but what I have learnt is that healing can take place simply by listening to them. Of course, as I talked I felt this great weight off of my chest. It was so refreshing and comforting having someone who didn't interrupt me at all, didn't tell me I should or shouldn't do this or that and didn't make me feel misunderstood like I was so frequently with everyone else. After I told her about my depression, we prayed for the spirit of death to leave me in the name of Jesus. The holy spirit also moved her to pray over me to renounce the spirit of depression too. At first it didn't want to leave me, and we realised afterwards how powerful its grip was over my life, but after the second try we got it to leave my soul! Praise God!
The blood of Jesus can do incredible, wonderful things. It made me think afterwards about how much authority has been given to us. I used to think that I had no spiritual power, but I would like to encourage everyone that there is power given to you when you have the Holy Spirit living in you. You can renounce any spirits of death that take a hold of your life. Amizzle to that! I don't know if the spirit of depression has really left me yet, but I do believe a healing has really begun. God is in the business of healing and no matter how many times the devil tries to torment us there is nothing that prayer cannot cast out.

From Hope's help, I also realised why I was feeling so misanthropic this past while. The greatest area of ministry that God has called you into, the devil will greatly attack. For example, she said, if your greatest ministry is with people, the devil will try to convince you to distrust and loathe them in attempt to steer you away from God's plan for your life. I was prophesied last week that this season in my life is where God will reveal his gifts to me. My reflection is that the devil knew this. He knew that God is calling me to minister to people using the gifts he gave me and tried to destroy that. Disappointed, bitter, empty and depressed, the devil had a hold on me. But no more. God is my victory and through him I have conquered this mountain. Amen!

I feel so ready to recieve what God wants to reveal to me. I once thought in my depression that the revelation of my gifts were nothing to be excited about, but now I am pumped! Part of my preparation to receieve his blessings is God stripping away me from me. Ever since coming to Bible college, I have been refined in the fire, pruned and moulded. It is scorching, painful and uncomfortable but the effects of it all are coming into fruition now. My desire to drink, my desire to club, my desire to smoke, my desire to do drugs, my desire to have more friends and my desire to even go to gigs are slowly diminishing. It is so good and people are glad for me, except I can't help but think and cry out, 'But Lord, what will I have left?' Hope illustrated to me that we can get so caught up in trying to hold on to everything that means nothing in our lives that we miss out on the blessings that God has in store for us. We cannot receive more if our hands are already full. So, in a way, I am content with losing the life I once thought was exciting and fun. I need more of God and less of me.

I pretty much am a loner and no life at the moment. Cutting out the friends that brought me down in life and not having the desire to go out at all these days is comforting but it has also got me down. I make excuses in my head, the main one being, 'You're only 18 Jenny. It's way to early to give it all up. You should be having fun like the rest of them.' What a load of lies. I've tried it all and brokeness was my aftermath. A life lived to the fullest is a life lived in Christ.

Anyway, just thought I would share that with you. You are not a slave to your depression and you are not a slave to your addiction. The mountains in your life can be conquered. If you feel empty and that your problems will overcome you, in the words of Stephan Murray, 'Dig a little deeper.' There you will find hope you never thought existed.
Much love and hugs.

Currently listening to: Leeland - Holy Spirit Have Your Way

My own best friend.

Ever since my early teenage years, my only enjoyable company has been myself. Whenever someone asked me to hang out with them, I knew I didn't want to. If they were to ask me why I refused, I couldn't say 'because I'm hanging out with myself.' That would be social suicide! It is really not that I have social anxiety (I can be very talkative and happy), but it is moreso because I generally dislike people. Misanthropy.

This misanthropy has been so particularly strong in me these days that even I get scared. My depression has taken a hold of me once again. It is a strong grip that I have only felt once in my life before. Yes, I have been receiving encouragement from people, but at the end of the day it is completely natural for me to be strong for myself and get through these hardships myself. It works for me. People will let me down and disappoint me constantly, but I find comfort in being able to at least control what harm I do to myself.
I absolutely despise it when people think they understand me. I can't even understand myself, let alone someone who clearly does not know even a tiny smidgen of my past and how it has made me who I am today. Obviously they do not know my past for a good reason. How do they expect me to tell them my life story when they do not show caution with what they are saying? When they jump to judgements and conclusions it just shows me how immature and pretentious they are. I am always astounded when I tell someone one or two things about how I'm feeling and then they start ranting on about who I am and what I should and shouldn't do or feel, like they know me. I doubt anybody will be reading this who this applies to, but just so you know that if you are, I've already given up on talking to you about anything about my life because you're just going to judge me like you know better.

You may think I am mentally unstable (which I would agree with you) and that I need help, but I am not completely inhumane. I have a great need for understanding at this point in my life. It is just that the need for me to be alone has been deeply rooted in me for a long, long time. Without a doubt, being alone overides companionship. The actual thought of getting help or support from someone makes me feel inadequate and anxious. It is such a backwards concept, to those who love being around people and crave company constantly.

Currently listening to: The Shins - Split Needles

Do you really love me?

You say you love me, but I know you do not because your love is very conditional.

If I were to betray you, your love for me would cease.
If I were to push you away, your love for me would cease.
If I am moody towards you, your love for me would cease.
If I do not do what you ask me to do, your love for me would cease.
If I didn't listen to what you have to say, your love for me would cease.
If I punch you and hit you and kick you, your love for me would cease.
I know if I were sad and told you to come over and cheer me up, you would not. If I was stuck in the middle of the desert and I called you, you would not help me.

Your 'love' is greatest for me when it is convenient for you. So don't you say you love me. You don't. You love the idea of me.

Life's too short to surround yourself with people who will only bring you down. I'm going to surround myself with people who encourage me and lift me higher instead of using me and abusing me. Cutting those friends out of my life now.

Whoa RWC.

I went to the Rugby World Cup opening in town last night and it was the craziest thing that has ever happened in Auckland, and not necessarily in a good way either. The transport system was more disappointing than usual as people were crammed in trains or left out. Some people who were supposed to go to the first game didn't even make it at all due to the failure of the train system. Towards the end of the night the trains were delayed and thousands of people were waiting to get on. Replacement buses came but went on lockdown afterwards because someone got hit by a bus. Luckily my friend and I made it on a bus before that happened. The Auckland mayor said this morning that Auckland was not prepared for it and will (hopefully) resolve the issue by this morning. Apart from that, it was way overcrowded in Auckland city that places I were familiar with I didn't recognise at all. There was drunkeness and alcohol bottles scattering the streets, ambulances and police sirens filling the city and many people waving the Tongan flag about of course. Nevertheless, the good thing was that the All Blacks won :D Yeah! Go the might ABs! The opening ceremony at Eden Park was amazing, too! I watched the videos and was so impressed.

Anyway, I was talking to my friend about the RWC opening fter the night was over and we both agreed that it was very uncomfortable and disappointing. Uncomfortable because, as we were both Christians, the whole scene of excessive partying and drunkeness made us feel out of place as we were sober and tired. Disappointing because there were older, more 'mature' people who were comaed out or needed help to stand up. It made me sad seeing an man in his 60's surrounded by gaurds or people doing pitiful things because they were on the influence of alcohol. All we wanted to do was get home and drink tea, and I think we would have been happier if we left town early and did that instead. It reminded me that as Christians, we are supposed to be in this world but not of this world. We are supposed to feel uncomfortable and out of place amoungst a scene like Auckland city last night because it does not align with what we stand for and who we believe in.
I'll admit I am being pretty darn judgemental and hypocritical, but I'll also admit that I am just like those people on the streets and I am no better than any of them. I drink, I sometimes smoke, I have taken drugs and I have been drunk on occasions to the point where I coma out or do embarrassing things, too. It is said that because I do those things, I am a backslidden Christian and some might even say that I do not love God because of it. The last statement is extreme for me. I'll admit I am backslidden, but I am convinced that I do love God. It's hard because when people find out that I do or have done these things, they straight up judge me or tell me to stop but never ask me why I'm like this. Ever since I was 14, I have been doing illegal and shameful things. Before I was 14, I grew up with a dad and family who made me feel depressed. It's also not easy when all your friends you love do it. It's not easy breaking a habit which has loved me and destroyed me. I can relate to Paul when he said in Romans 7:15, 'I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate.'
On the other hand, God has really been working in my life ever since Bible college and I can see tangible changes in my heart already! It's really exciting. He's stripping away those desires to drink and take drugs and such because He is filling that void in my heart with His love instead. I'm learning not to want to be more or have more, and that is freeing. Although, it will take a very, very long time and I know I will fail at times. Good thing my God is a patient one!

The last thing I want to say is, please, if you are the praying type, pray for my friend Lyndon and his family who were hit by the bus last night. His little brother is going through surgery on his leg, but the rest of the family are not too physically hurt, just shocked. Thank you so much if you do.
And also, Showbread and Ascend The Hill have been added to the Parachute festival line-up next year along with The Almost and Relient K. Oh my goodness I am so excited! This is the best line-up ever!

Okay, that's all for now folks <3

Currently listening to: The Naked And Famous - Spank

:(

I am so disappointed in myself today for several reasons. Most of all, I'm disappointed in myself for leading a boy on when I was confused about how I felt about him. I led him to believe we had something going on, and now all of a sudden there is this huge burdan on my head which is making me so upset because I know he isn't the one God has in mind for me. I know he isn't going to be my husband. What's more, I know he doesn't know God. He is such a nice guy that was nothing but nice to me, yet I still flirted with him knowing well that what I was doing was wrong. I am now waiting anxiously for his reply. I hope I find the strength to tell him how stupid I was and to apologize for my disrespectful behaviour.

I can't believe how heavy this weight inside my heart is. Why so burdaning? Why do I feel so guilty and upset? I am leaving behind me a reputation with boys that is not good at all. With every boy that had interest in me or I them, something has gone wrong that ultimately left me as the bad person. Each one has left with me a negative memory or feeling that I inflicted upon myself.

Oh Lord, I can't believe I got myself into this situation again. I deserve every bad thing that is coming my way. I am angry at myself.

Yeah!

Jesus loves me :D and He loves you! Infinitely and forever and eternally and deeply and unconditionally.

Just had to get that out. In other news, today is beautiful. A bright sun, blue sky, white clouds and green grass. This is the New Zealand I love. I feel very alive today.

Edit/ Also just want to add that my Uncle is fine! He is going to do community service instead of going to jail once he's all healed up. Thank you all so much for praying.

Listen to: Foster The People - I Would Do Anything For You

Weak and unworthy,

You have saved me.

Currently listening to: Hundredth - Passion