Don't judge me, because I won't judge you.

Last night while I was out having some food with some friends, a certain aspect of my past was brought up by someone. Even though I told her to not bring it up, I felt like for them it was easier to be amused about it that to realise how much pain and regret I have because of it. I felt their stares at me, and it was not one of graciousness but judgement. Although it didn't bother me then, it bothered me later on that night. Even thinking about my past brings back a sharp pain in my heart and tears in my eyes because I was so out of control, acting out of hurt to fill the void that was left by my childhood. I did things I am ashamed to think about now. God knows how many times I have hooked up with boys, had many drunken nights and did many stupid things, got high and clubbed underage... and my goodness, I am not proud of what I did. I was, and am, a flawed human being. Everyone is. It seems like it's okay to point the finger at someone for the stupid shit they did, but somehow, it's not okay for someone to point out your flaws and your past. 

Even though I feel ashamed of what I have done, I do not feel so much regret. They have made me, shaped me into the person that is typing this today. Yes, I have hooked up with many boys and am not a virgin, but if anything they made me realise how empty I felt and how robbed I was and pushed me toward God to fill the  hole in my heart that was meant to be filled by my father. Yes, I had a period when I would drink a lot and occasionally get high. But if you see me today I don't do that so much anymore, because those mistakes made me realise that it's okay not to drink. I learnt that drinking doesn't mean you can't have fun. Clubbing underage was a blessing in disguise, as it gave me a way to get it all out of my system and now, at 19 years of age, I hardly ever go clubbing and don't enjoy it as much as I used to. 

My past made me a  better person. I have felt the pain of it, accepted it, learnt from it and let go of it. If only the friends I had did the same for me.

“We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.”

Charles R. Swindoll

I feel like I'm falling, but I can't be sure.

Lately, my life has been a whirlwind of emotions. It's funny to think that around this time last year I was almost in the same situation as I am in now: a mess. Allow me to rant for a while.

I have a knack for spending too much money, and instead of saving, I am losing money rapidly. What makes it worse is that I brought a Macbook Pro 2 months ago, and it became faulty very soon and will cost an overwhelming and ridiculous $4100 to fix. This blows me away considering that the whole laptop itself is only $2800. Obviously this is not an option for me, but the trouble of having to get it fixed so soon is so unnecessary.
My brother is lashing out in hurt even more and is stealing constantly from myself and other family members. My mum is so stressed and my dad is never there.
I've cut out friends that only brought me down. It's sad for me, but I believe that it is also a necessary pain.
I applied for an internship at Come&Live, hoping they would answer soon, but it's been 2 months and they have not replied. I am worried about what to do for my future, about whether I heard God wrong or if I did something wrong and I have to settle with God's plan B for my life. I feel under pressure because I feel like everyone expects me to go to University for the sake of going to University. Last night, my brother and I had a confrontation and he said to me, 'You fail at school. You didn't even go to University.' It didn't hurt me when he said it, but it hurt me much later. The pressure of friends & family encouraging me to study there is weighing down on me more than they know. I know who I am, and where I want to go in life. I know that God doesn't want me to study there just to please everybody. I know that if studying there will not help me get closer to God's plan for my life, then I will be miserable and waste 3 years of my life which could've been used to actually getting out there. Am I a failure and a lesser being because I am not studying at University? I am not sure where I am going. I feel purposeless and like life is not worth living, and in this state I am close to breaking and giving in to the status quo if God doesn't let me know what is going on right now. Maybe it just takes a bit of patience, but that is something in my life that I lack.

I think that the only good thing that is going on in my life right now are my best friend and this man that I like very much. This one is so different to all other other guys I have dated, who I have liked and who have liked me. It's the same guy that have been talked about throughout my blog posts this year, but this time, everything has changed. I was torn up about him at first, and I'll admit that he was playing me in the beginning, but all that I have hoped for with him has come true. I love that he likes me back, because my feelings for him are stronger than what I have felt ever before for someone. When we bumped into each other when I was in Wellington and spent those times together, something felt so right and wonderful. To me, he was everything I wanted in a man, but the biggest box that he didn't tick was that he was not a Christian. I remember ever since I was young, when I wrote lists about what I wanted in a man, being a Christian was the most important thing. The thing is, my heart is with him, but my head is with God. Is this what all those prophecies about the godly man coming was all about? To keep me away from him? It's hard because rarely any boy comes close to God for me, but this one is special to me. I've been waiting for so long to have someone like him, and now he's here, it's not easy to let him go. Since Wellington, we have Skyped for hours and hours just talking about us and how it was going to work. I said it couldn't for a number of reasons: he has a bad reputation as a player and someone who sleeps with a lot of women, I can't trust him, he's not Christian and he lives so far away which would drive me crazy. My mind was on constant overdrive with the amount of questions I had about us, and about how much I could trust and love God to walk away from this man. When I decided to end it between us, I cried so much from the pain that I felt. I heard on the radio last night a woman who said, 'They say that it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. The people who said that didn't know what it feels like to lose someone. I wish I never loved you.' Although it wasn't love, that was what it felt like. The pain of losing someone you like so much is much worse, I believe, than never loving. I didn't hold on for long. I couldn't go on knowing that him and I could have something wonderful, and I decided to keep going with him. He's been so gracious, putting up with me being hot and cold and still liking me despite my confusing antics. Right now, I don't see this as being right or wrong, smart or dumb. I know what people see this as, just me being too blind to realise that this is all fake. But I know...I know that I will probably get hurt, that there is a high chance of it never working out. I know that God could give away the man he had for me to another woman. And I know that if I choose this man, God could also take away Come&Live and other amazing opportunities he had for my life. All those prophecies I had for my life came with an IF...IF I follow God's will for my life, and I know that this man isn't a part of it.

I am facing the most hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life, and I feel that God is not there. He has been predominately silent. I cry and pray and ask for something, but he doesn't say much. To me, He is like the angry father, waiting for me to come home so he can yell and hit me. I am angry at Him. I think this is all unfair. Last night, when my brother had stolen the money, I took a drive and cried, yelling at God. I asked Him why He had given me this family, this so-called brother, this so-called dad. I said I was angry and I hated Him for not helping or supporting me. I said that it was all not fair and that I have had enough of Him and I give up on Him. I had started smoking again because of all the stress.

Yesterday, I went to see my best friend Anja preach at a church in the morning. She had been stressed, but when she went up there and preached, everyone was blown away and touched. The topic she was talking about was how much can you trust God, and it spoke to me deeply. She shared the story of a little girl who loved and cherished more than anything the fake pearl necklace she was given. When her dad asked her one day if she would give them to him, she couldn't. The same thing happened another time, and the next time, she took them off and gave them to her dad. Her dad, to her surprised and joy, then took out and have her real pearls. Anja went on to say, what are your pearls? Do you know that God loves you enough so that you can trust Him with them? My pearl was this man that I liked and cared about beyond anything. And no, I said to myself, I don't trust God and I don't know that he loves me.
This morning, I got an email from a friend, Gary, who I was talking to yesterday at church about my situation. He is very wise and has been married to his wife for 35 years despite their crazy and rocky marriage. This is his email:

'Hi Jenny
Great to catch up yesterday at church.(The team and myself appreciate your bubbly enthusiasm which encourages us all).I have been thinking and praying about how things are with you.I really think the sermon about the pearl necklace is very relevant to you in this situation. Its not about if this is right or wrong, it is about you trusting God . He knows best and He will give it back if good for you or give you something better in due time. I really recommend a session with Hope at the healing rooms sooner than later as sometimes something that may be meeting a strong emotional need can distort our clear thinking. God , as a loving Father wants the best for you. Please trust Him as He can gently change and heal our hearts, with our permission.
LOL Gary.'

He had also told me yesterday that he had a picture, that when we walk the narrow path, wherever we may go or wherever it may lead us, there are hand railings - and those hand railings are God's love. It was beautiful to me, because even if you mess up and go way off track, there is still something to hold onto. God's love is still there, supporting us when we can't seem to stand up and keep going.
On the drive home from church with Anja, she said she was happy for me now and has stopped labelling my situation. She said that she doesn't want to label everything as right or wrong or categorise what was happening. She said she loved that this man was romancing me and taking care of me and is excited about me. It was so refreshing to have someone share my joy about this man. All my friends and family are worried about me more than anything and dampen the happiness that this man makes me feel, when I simply want them to stop stressing and be happy for me. All I know right now is that he gives me an indescribable feeling and I miss him.

Despite this mess, I'm keeping my head up and my heart strong. I know that as long as I have God, and my friends & family, everything will be okay.