Don't judge me, because I won't judge you.

Last night while I was out having some food with some friends, a certain aspect of my past was brought up by someone. Even though I told her to not bring it up, I felt like for them it was easier to be amused about it that to realise how much pain and regret I have because of it. I felt their stares at me, and it was not one of graciousness but judgement. Although it didn't bother me then, it bothered me later on that night. Even thinking about my past brings back a sharp pain in my heart and tears in my eyes because I was so out of control, acting out of hurt to fill the void that was left by my childhood. I did things I am ashamed to think about now. God knows how many times I have hooked up with boys, had many drunken nights and did many stupid things, got high and clubbed underage... and my goodness, I am not proud of what I did. I was, and am, a flawed human being. Everyone is. It seems like it's okay to point the finger at someone for the stupid shit they did, but somehow, it's not okay for someone to point out your flaws and your past. 

Even though I feel ashamed of what I have done, I do not feel so much regret. They have made me, shaped me into the person that is typing this today. Yes, I have hooked up with many boys and am not a virgin, but if anything they made me realise how empty I felt and how robbed I was and pushed me toward God to fill the  hole in my heart that was meant to be filled by my father. Yes, I had a period when I would drink a lot and occasionally get high. But if you see me today I don't do that so much anymore, because those mistakes made me realise that it's okay not to drink. I learnt that drinking doesn't mean you can't have fun. Clubbing underage was a blessing in disguise, as it gave me a way to get it all out of my system and now, at 19 years of age, I hardly ever go clubbing and don't enjoy it as much as I used to. 

My past made me a  better person. I have felt the pain of it, accepted it, learnt from it and let go of it. If only the friends I had did the same for me.

“We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.”

Charles R. Swindoll