A time you thought about ending your own life.

I had heavy depression a few years ago when I had family problems and had a hard time dealing with my past and forgiving certain people. I also felt incredibly lonely and felt like life was not worth living. I used to sleep all day and night, too tired and sad to go to school and not communicating with anyone. It was during this time I thought a lot about ending my own life. However, it was also during this time I was emailing my best friend about all of this. If it wasn't for her and her encouraging words of hope, it would be possible I wouldn't be here right now. She helped me get back on track with God, even though it took a long time. She once said to me, 'Don't lose hope. It's the anchor for your soul.' And in the end, I never did. Another thing that helped me get better was music, particularly Underoath's album Define The Great Line. I related to the album more than I related to anything else at the time and felt comfort and solace in it. If you are also struggling with depression, I encourage you to find support, even though you don't want to. I didn't want to talk to a councillor or get any proffessional help and still don't, but I talked to a friend and that was the best thing I ever did to help this pain.
I still have mild depression and think about ending my life at times, but I have hope now. I have forgiven those who hurt me and my past no longer has a strong grip on my life anymore. It doesn't hurt me to think about it. I still consider myself somewhat lonely in the sense that I don't like people very much and prefer spending time with myself than being around people. If I do spend time with people, I am quite picky about it. I have good friends but they can only help me so much. I actually think I wouldn't mind if I didn't have any friends. I consider myself very independant.

Listen to: Underoath - Salminir

Your views on religion.

I already made a post about this which you can read:

here

Currently listening to: New Found Glory - Hold My Hand

Wings like eagles.

I don't think I have ever been this tired in my life.

The new job at the cafe at Auckland Airport is somewhere I am proud of working at, but it's harder than I thought it would be. Because the airport is a 24/7 business, the hours at the cafe are crazy. I was told I would have 4am starts and unpredictable hours, but I didn't consider that. Waking up at 1.30am this morning after an uncomfortable two hours sleep and driving to work at 4am is different. It feels weird putting on make-up and getting dressed at such an ungodly hour. I waitressed and did the kitchen work for a straight 7 hours, so when I came home, feet sore and hurting to move a muscle, I fell into my bed and woke up to find it was night time.

A few times I have thought to myself, 'Why did I take this job? I am not happy. I am tired.' But you know, I need the money, and I am grateful to God for providing me one. I remember telling God that if this is the job that he had in mind for me, to let me get it, and I did. I just need to toughen up and draw on his strength daily. Besides, one of the upsides of working at the airport is that there are good-looking foreigners that come to the cafe constantly.

There is no need to complain.

"Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people."
Philippians 2:14-15

"But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31

"He blew strength in my backbone."

Your views on drugs and alcohol.

I'll be honest, I don't know alot about drugs. I know some drugs can be really bad for you, and I know some aren't so effective. I've seen somewhere that certain drugs can actually be good for you or help you in some way, so I think if it is improving your life somehow to take it all in moderation. Obviously if you do drugs constantly that is going to show and possibly ruin your life. I'm not a regular druggie. In fact, I have hardly ever done it in my life. I have friends who do it occasionally and they're not screwed up because of it (not yet anyway). It opens your mind up in a way. However, if I were to choose one side of the argument, I would say it is not something I condone. I am talking out of head knowledge here, but it seems to mess up people more than help people.
Alcohol is a hard topic to really get a grip of. On one hand if you take it all in moderation it's fine. But I have known cases of people falling into a coma because of heavy drinking and never waking up again. It dehydrates your body and decreases your health. I have had an experience where I drunk too much one night and I started vommitting blood. I had to go to a hospital and take a lot of medication to feel better. There are countless times that I have embarrassed myself, lost dignity and did shaming things because I was on the influence of alcohol. Yet I still do it often. It's hard- I know that it is bad for me and only ends up doing more bad than good, yet I feel dependant on it for me to have a good time and be more sociable and funny. It is something I need to reprogramme in my life: you don't need alcohol to have a good time, to feel better about yourself. It's true, I know it, but that's not what society says is it? Society tells us that drunk is cool, drunk is how you party, drunk is the only way you will have a fun time. But I've seen alcohol kill, ruin families and ruin individuals when abused.
I say drugs and alcohol are not substances I like or endorse. If your puporses to take drugs and drink alcohol is reasonable and sensible, I think all in moderation is okay.

Currently listening to: Band of Horses - Factory

Where you would like to be in 10 years.

In 10 years time I will be 28! I feel so old. I guess by then I would like to be well out of University and settled into a career as a photo or music journalist. I would like to be well-traveled by then or still travelling. I would like to be in a serious relationship with someone who can support me in whatever I do and love me for who I am, flaws and all. I would like to be living out of home with an apartment or house of my own, a place near the beach, the city, and the country because I love all three (is that even possible?). I would like to be still best friends with my best friends now, because they are amazing and I know they would stick by me, successful or not. I guess the most important thing, more important than a career, travel, a relationship, a home or even friendship, is I hope that I will still be in a relationship with God. When everything comes crashing down- I fail in society's eyes, I am broke, I am single, I am living at my mom's or my friends leave me, I know with all me heart, mind and soul that He is beside me constantly, loving me for who I am and not what I have. Picking me up when I fall. Forgiving me when I am unforgiving. Being strong for me when I am at my weakest. I think if all else fails and nothing I have said here goes to plan, if I am still strong with God, I think I would have succeeded in every way, maybe not in societies eyes, but in heaven's eyes.

Currently listening to: Band of Horses- Detlef Shrempf

Quotes to inspire.

"Over time we lose track of the things that really bring us happiness and things get so twisted. In the end the majority of society fall in line and follow the guidelines set out to them from their forefathers or those in power. But there’s more to life than being a success in societies eyes, and there’s more important things to worry about in general. Follow your heart, or follow your mind…in the end it’s up to the individual."

Miles Away

"I need you guys to do me a favor, everybody in this room, or almost everybody; you have someone in your heart that’s so fucking close to you, you know, someone on your mind and in your heart that would you fucking die for, that you love so fucking much, now get that person in your head for a second. The sad truth is; you’re going to lose that person one day, that person won’t no longer be around, you know what I’m saying? But you don’t have to be scared of that. Together we can come together, each one of us; brothers, sisters, you know what I’m saying? We can fight for each other. There’s a lot of bullshit going on in this world and believe it or not I love each person in this room as much as I love my own fucking mother, and I don’t even fucking know you. And that is the true essence of love; when you give and you expect nothing in return. We are some kind of hope."
Jesse Barnett - Stick To Your Guns

"Rest assured that with a heart that's pure, we'll be victorious and not let our hate get the best of us."
Stick To Your Guns - This Is More

"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more ‘manhood’ to abide by thought-out principle rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not muscles and an immature mind."
Unknown

"Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter."
Tim Kizziar in “Crazy Love” by Francis Chan

"So here's my advice: Hold on to whatever keeps you warm inside."
Unknown

“We could all sit here and call people names and hate people for the way they dress or the music they like, or just the things that they think are cool. But that doesn’t make us any better.”
Frank Iero

“I like to say that the line “I’m not sad anymore” is less of a victory speech and more of a battle cry. It’s not me actually proclaiming that, but more of a goal that I had in mind and that I’m working towards everyday. Really, I found that a lot of the times when I would get down it was very easy to stay that way and very easy to say, “Okay, I’m depressed and that’s whatever. I fucking hate it.” But then I came to realize that it’s really never as bad as it seems and that the problems I was having, the things that were bumming me out were really very minute issues. And while they do suck, and of course you’re going to react to them negatively, staying mad about them is really futile and doesn’t make any progress and doesn’t help anything. A lot of people have it a lot worse. I’m not saying don’t be upset about your life when it’s upsetting, but you know, try to put it in context is kind of the point of the record.”
The Wonder Years - Soupy Campbell

Listen to: The Wonder Years - My Last Semester

Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

I'm single, and I would say it has its ups and downs. I have never been in a relationship before on account of not liking someone enough to be in a relationship with them, or the person I like not liking me back in a romantic way.
Having a lot of my friends in relationships have at times made me grateful for not being in one either. I have noticed there are alot of problems, such as jealousy issues, trust issues, having to worry about what the other person thinks about what you are doing and how you dress, communication issues, who you are texting, finding time to be with each other, not having enough space and communication issues. And once you have broken up with someone, the whole list of exs is also a problem like finding ways to avoid them, the awkward silences and of course, the 'hi, how are you?' chats.
But then there's the times I am jealous of people in relationships. I hate being single and seeing cute couple's everywhere. It makes me smile like a dork though. In relationships, you can cuddle in bed and watch movies, kiss whenever, touch, whisper, go on crazy and fun dates, have someone to call yours. I'll admit I feel lonely sometimes not having a boyfriend. I realise that I let that loneliness out doing stupid things with guys, but mostly by being close with my guy mates- I feel very comfortable hugging them for a long time, linking arms with them, holding hands, leaning on them, dancing with them and going on mini-outings and dates with them. They probably don't mind either.
Sometimes when I was lonely I would tell God that I want a man to call mine, and in my heart I hear him whisper that he is coming and to be patient, because love is patient. I've said this before, but I have waited too long now to date a guy who is less than amazing. I really hope my first one is.

Listen to: Texas In July - I Am Yours

30 Day Challenge

Something to do to fill up the blog and let you know a little more about me =]

Currently listening to: Texas In July - Hook, Line and Sinker

Do you ever get sad sometimes because there are so many beautiful paces and cultures to visit but life is too short to visit all of them? I do.

Currently listening to: Paolo Nutini - These Streets

Tired soul.

Last night I went to a gig with Defeater and Miles Away with support from NZ bands The Burial and Leeches. It was a great gig, but today I feel like crap. I can't move fast and I have a headache. The sadness really got me thinking about things. How I miss people that I was once close with and now feel like I'm being left behind. How I hate clubbing and can't see how you can enjoy it unless you were really wasted. How doing what you love does not include in any way money, acceptance or praise. And how money, acceptance or praise does not bring you happiness. How I hate people who live comfortable lives and are really stupidly close-minded, how I hate people who are so judgemental and look down on people for certain things. How lonely life is.

It's times like these where I ask myself what hope means to me.
And it's times like these where I believe I was meant to be alone.

Currently listening to: Defeater - No Kind of Home

Undesired.

In India, all women must confront the cultural pressure to bear a son. The consequences of this preference is a disregard for the lives of women and girls. From birth until death they face a constant threat of violence. See the project at http://mediastorm.com/publication/undesired

Currently listening to: The Glorious Unseen - How He Loves

Note to self:

-Drink less, thus decrease doing stupid things you will regret in the morning
-Go to church more (feelings aren't an excuse to not go)
-Be less judgemental of people on how they look and what they wear
-Talk less, listen more
-Respect yourself more, especially your body
-Save yourself for the right guy- don't be easy
-Spend less time on the laptop and more time with God and Sarah
-Take down your pride and be open to meet and love people at whatever cost
-Smile more
-Remember your blessings instead of comparing your life to other people's lives
-Read more, especially the Bible to stay grounded in life
-Keep your true friends, love and forget the rest
-Be yourself
-Laugh more
-Save money instead of spending it on useless things like alcohol and junk food
-Drink more water
-Be more happy and think positive thoughts and reaffirmations more often
-Don't be afraid to try new things and be open to new ideas
-Think. And don't be afraid to go your own way.

Listen to: The Killers - Mr. Brightside

2nd Sucks.

I still got something left to say

The only one in the world I depend on is me
I need nothing from no one, I take what I need
So get a hold of yourself and keep away from me.

Listen to: Defeater - White Oak Doors

Confessions of a date-less 18-year-old.

I have this hollow feeling in my stomach again. Like something should be there but it isn't.

Lovesick, again. Listening to cheesy love songs, again. Feeling lonely, again.

I am tracing this back to my relationship history, which, if you want to be logical, is non-existant. I always think there is something wrong with me for being single my whole life. Being 18 and seeing all my friends my age in relationships and out of relationships all the time makes you wonder why you havn't been in one either. I have thought of many reasons why this could be: I'm too picky, I'm frigid, I'm scared of committment or my relationship with men in my family have made me have trust issues. It could be any one of these, but I think it is mainly because I havn't found the right guy yet, the one who I will like enough to pursue. I think if I find the right guy, I will feel completely myself around him. I will feel comfortable but also beautiful and good. There's a reason why I havn't had a boyfriend yet, and I have come too far now to start dating guys who aren't right for me. The guy I will date will be worth the wait and the bouts of loneliness. He will be worth every guy I didn't date, and more than every guy I wanted to.

If you have a similar dilemma in your life, or just have trouble with boys in general, a good friend of mine gave me some great advice which has helped me a lot on this fustrating journey.
She went to a conference one day and one of the women that spoke told her that one day, she wrote down a list of the essentials she needed in a man. She prayed over that list, and a year later she met her husband who ticked off everything on that list. I encourage you to do this too.

Write down the essentials you need in a boyfriend. By essentials, I mean cut out all the silly things like nice clothes, plays in a band or smells good. Surely you don't need those things in a guy. I mean things that a guy has to have for you to be able to really date him. Examples would be: he needs to have a relationship with Jesus, he needs to have dreams and goals in life, he needs to be patient, he needs to be honest etc. Once you have thought carefully about that list, it really narrows all the guy options you have in your life a whole lot more. Personally, when I had trouble figuring out if a guy was worth my time or not, I would look back to the list and check if he had most of these things. If he didn't, I knew what to do. It helps to pray over that list and see what God can do. He might just surpirse you.

I am still waiting for my guy to come. I have this thought that when you meet the person who you will one day spend the rest of your life with, you will know it. You won't have logical explanations or a solid reason for it, you just know.
How would you know when you meet the right one?

Listen to: The Postal Service - Such Great Heights

Emo ramblings.

I don't get why people are so openly horrible and judgemental. I hate how society tells us through subliminal messages that your worth is in the way you look and dress, that to be cool you need a hot date. Screw that. There is more to life than having the latest technology, wearing the most hipster clothes, knowing the coolest people and having the hottest hook up.
I hate how shallow society is becoming. Music is becoming less about making music for the love of it and reaching people positively, and more about making money and getting a top hit. People need to be sexualised and stripped to underwear to be sexy and well-liked. There is no respect of the body and mind anymore. It is all about greed and taking what you can get.
I hate how no one even thinks anymore. We are mindless zombies, accepting whatever is fed to us like babies. We don't ask if this is wrong. We don't ask if this is right. We go on our daily lives of ignorance and ingratitude. It's normal to be stupid and shallow. It's normal to be close-minded about every single thing. It's accepted.
I hate how selfish people are. In school we are told that there is a big, wide world out there and to be prepared. I assume that they are talking about making a good career for yourself, but we need to more prepared for people's selfishness and cruelty than the business world. We are taking and taking all for ourselves, living subconciously with the motto that it's cool not to give a crap about anyone but yourself.
I hate how the term 'successful' and 'happy' is defined by the University you go to, the career you have and the amount of money you make.
Get me out of here.

It is saddening to realise that everything has changed. Nothing is like it used to be. Obviously change is inevitable and I need to get over it, but it is rarely easy.
Friends have changed and moved on. At first it was worrying but then I realised that I don't necessarily need these people. You can always find other people to befriend.
Friends are no longer living 10 minutes away from me. I used to see them almost everyday, now I have to make an effort to see them even sometimes.
I am looking at certain friends in a different way now. There is one thing I can guarantee with people- they will let you down at one, or several, times in your life. I let myself down constantly.

I hate men's egos and pride. Nothing is ever let go of without a brawl and resentment. And where are the gentlemen? Where is the respect of women and their bodies?
On that note, it is also sad to see father's still hurting and taking the pain and hollowness out on their children. While I get fustrated with my dad sometimes, I am more pitiful than anything. He is the way he is because of his past hurts, and I forget that sometimes.

This is a really depressing post, but, I felt the need to vent and get things off my mind in public place.

Listen to: The Cribs - Be Safe

Hi.

Hello! Just a little update on my life and where I am at the moment...

On Sunday night I went to hear this man named David Pierce preach. He is what I call a legitimate Christian. He's 50 years old with dreadlocks and plays in a punk rock band called No Longer Music. This information would have sold me already, but what's more is that he tours around the world with his punk band at immoral and satanic clubs and events to tell people about God.
Going to hardcore gigs myself, and although I know these people he comes in contact with are much more hardcore than what I have experienced, I could somewhat relate to what the people at these events are like. They are at times very close-minded and brutally honest and insistent on their atheism. They are not afraid to boo and swear at you if you say something about God. This is why I really respect him and his band. It is a hard area to go into ministry in, but he has realised how needy and isolated from God these people are and chose to take the difficult, less travelled path to reach them.
I got a lot of things from his sermon, one being about fat birds. Let me explain. One day on his balcony, he saw a nest with two fat birds in it. The mother bird was constantly feeding them worms because these two birds were squaking all the time on account of being hungry. They never left the nest to get excercise or learn how to fly. They were so comfortable being spoon fed. What the mother bird could think of doing was push them out of the nest so they could experience the world and freedom they were missing out on. This is relevant to Christians why? Because sometimes, we are like those fat birds. We stay in our comfort zone, asking God to feed us and never giving back or taking risks for him. We don't want to learn how to fly and get out into the world and live on edge for the sake of Jesus because of fear and comfort.
Another thing that struck home with me was the term he used called 'buffalo faith.' When it rains, all the animals lower their heads for shelter, scared of the rain, resenting it. But the buffalo raises it's head to the sky as if to say, 'Bring it! I can take it! I relish it!' That is buffalo faith- raising your head in the diffucult times and learning how to be strong in it.
What I love about David Pierce mostly is his take on Chrsitianity. He is such an old school missionary, he knows what it's all about. He has passion. Once, his band played at quite a big metal music festival. He played after a well-known metal band As I Lay Dying on the main stage, but before that he was in wonder at why none of these Christian bands talked about Jesus. I am relieved to hear that, because at times I have wondered this very thought at festivals and gigs where Christian bands play too, but have not felt the importance to voice it. Now I will. It's a wonder really- when you believe in Christ and God has presented you with an opportunity to play to thousands of people who could be lost and dead inside, why do you not give them the chance to become saved? I am a hypocrite. It is a hard thing to do and you lose 'cool' points, but it is worth every rejection. That's another thing- he doesn't care about looking cool, which makes him so much cooler! Check him out if you have the time.

In other less interesting news, I found out yesterday that the course I wanted to do in University do not accept mid-year intakes, which spiraled all my plans this year down the drain. So, I researched and brainstormed alternatives that I could do this year. I have decided that I will fix my CV and find a job, take more photos are gigs and events and possibly do shoots, help out my friend's gig/photography company 'AURA' out more, possibly start a music blog on album, musician and gig reviews as well as my gig photography to help with the possibilty of becoming a music journalist and lastly, possibly expanding Hope99 more, the mission organisation my friend and I started a few years ago. I pray this all works out according to God's plan.
The most puzzling thing I considered doing was taking a short course on photography or the arts. This morning, I decided to seek God and find His answer to my question: to do or not to do? A simple yes or no answer. In my heart, I wanted to do it, but not because of purposeful reasons, but because I wanted to please my mum and fit into what society considers smart and worthwhile doing. A simple question was then raised: how does my doing this course help glorify God and help people? I am not sure yet, but I get this little nudging that this isn't what I should be doing. I feel like he is saying no. But I am saying yes. I want to look so cool that I forget to focus on what God is telling me to do. How many times do we do that? Personally, too many to count. I want to know, how do you discern what you want and what God wants?

Lastly, if you are an indie lover, you should listen to The Kooks album, Konk. It is gorgeous, the lyrics and the music and guitar solos.

That's all for now amazing people.

Listen to: The Kooks - One Last Time

Ramshackle

We will go,

nowhere we know
We don't have to talk at all.

Listen to: Calvin Harris - Electro Man

Christianity versus religion, and other thoughts.

This is no thoroughly thought out post, but something I need to get off my chest, so please mind the bad structure and random thoughts.

Lately, I've been witnessing and experiencing alot of abuse from people about Christianity. At times it is because people get religion VS a relationship with God mixed up, and at other times it is purely for mockery.

First, religion VS relationship.

I don't believe in religion. Obviously, it is evident and it is all around us, but by believe, I mean that I do not encourage or associate myself with it. It has become such a messed up word and brings up images of hate and war, so I find it funny how when some people see the word 'religion' they instantly think of Christianity like it's the only religion in the world. What about Buddhism, Hinduism and Judaism? Are they not religions too, as much as Christianity? I feel like people blame a lot of the world's problems entirely on us. I know that Christianity is the largest religion in the world, but it is a little unfair. That aside, I understand how people blame religion for the issues we are facing in the world today. Sometimes, religion judges. Religion kills. Religion lies, twists the truth. Religion can posess a man. Religion is cold. Religion is obtuse. Religion is tactless and unmerciful. But that is totally different to being a Christian. The thing I want to clear up is
the difference between religion and being a Christian.

Real christianity, simply put it, is being in a relationship with God. Nothing more, nothing less. The fundamental truth in my relationship with God is that He loves me, and I love Him. Of course, I disappoint Him, I fail, I sin, just like every human on the planet. I'm as much as a sinner as you are. Christians are not better than the 'rest' as some may think. The Christians I know have really hard issues they have to deal with in life, sometimes even harder than most non-Christians I know, and the way they deal with it is at times far from perfect. I think people forget we were all born with a flawed human spirit, and we do have sinful urges too.
Christianity is about love- loving God and loving people. Those are the two greatest commandments in the Bible. You may scoff and think of a long list when it wasn't about that, but I think you are getting that mixed up with religion. James 1:27 says the only religion God accepts is loving those in need like widows and orphans and trying to keep pure. The day that my relationship with Him kills, judges and hates is the day I will give it up.

It is disturbing how there are people in the world who call themselves believers but have it all mixed up. So for those of you who have been hurt by so called 'Christians', I am sorry. If you hate us because we have done something to conjure pain, I am sorry.
Those 'Christians' that say God hates homosexuals and they will burn in hell, that's so crap. God doesn't hate the sinner, he hates the sin. He loves them as much as he loves me, I can tell you that right now. Those 'Christians' that say you have no hope because of your sin, that's so crap too. There is always hope, and forgiveness and redemption is in reach for those who ask and seek for it. Those 'Christians' that mislead people into believing in judgement and hate of those who do not believe in God, screw that. I, as a Christian, will say to you right now I won't judge you for what you have done, I want to love you and help you, believer or not. On behalf of those who really are Christians, I apologize for any negative feelings that you have towards us because of what those people have done.
I hope that those of you who read this will no longer associate Christianity with something that only destroys. You know what it is to be in a relationship with someone you love, who loves you. Please know that this is what my faith means to me and to many Christians too.

Second, mockery of Christianity.

I find it truly disrespectul and rude to mock something that means alot to people. Of course they should respect Atheism, Hinduism and Judaism but only Christians are allowed to be mocked right?

When I see someone poking fun at Jesus or God or believers, it hurts. If someone insulted someone important in your life who you love till death, who saved your life and shown you nothing but love and kindness, I think you would be too. God is someone I believe in. I don't mock atheists for believing in living a god-free life. I don't mock scientific people for believing in the big-bang theory. I don't mock Buddhists for believing in reincarnation. I don't mock straight edge people for not drinking, doing drugs or smoking. I don't mock vegetarians for not eating meat. Just because people have different views and beliefs from me, does not give them permission to insult it. It is insensitive.

Another thing I want to get off my chest is when people get angry when I say anything to do with my faith. We have all been given the freedom of speech and the freedom to choose what we believe in, so why can't people tolerate when I love what I believe in? I've seen people promote Satan, blog about why they hate Christians, insist on living a god-free life, and I accept that and have nothing to do with that. But when Christians express their love of life and God, it seems to attract many negative attention and abuse. I understand that Christianity is a very touchy subject and people can get worked up about it, but I still can't understand that if they choose to write about why they hate Christianity, why can't people choose to write about why they love Christianity?

So these are purely my thoughts on the matter. I just want to conclude by saying to you that the religion in the world today is something very different to what I believe in. I believe in a relationship through faith that does not come to harm but to love. I wish that Christians would be more respected in society, but I do believe that the hate we are gaining is fulfilling a propechy in the Bible, so in a way, I am also glad.
I would be interested to hear what you think about the issue!

Listen to: Saving Grace - U Becoming You

Faithful.

'I've lived long enough to know men and women whose lives were sold out to God a few years ago, but who've since walked off the track... gone AWOL... lost their longing for God. Fear of following in their footsteps haunts me... and it should you, too... The faithfulness of my walk with God depends on my willingness to stay in a relationship with Him. I never want to lose the grip His greatness has on my life and the privilege it is to... serve Him till the day I'm welcomed into His presence. That passion compels me. It keeps me honest and humble... the last thing I want to do is crawl across the finish line a defeated, derailed Christian, or worse - give up the race before my life's over. I want to break that tape with arms high, my face to the sun.'

James MacDonald

Listen to: Hillsong United - Lord of Lords

Float

I wish I didn't exist for a little while and there was all the time in the world to sleep and be nothing.

Listen to: Stick To Your Guns - Some Kind Of Hope

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Earnest Henly

I just finished watching the movie 'Invictus.' It's about newly elected president of South Africa Nelson Mandela and his efforts to build a bridge between the racial segregation at that time. He enlists the national rugby team, the Springboks, to win the 1995 Rugby World Cup. I found this movie very inspiring. Aswell as the fact that New Zealand's All Blacks was featured in this film, I also loved how it spotlighted heavy subjects like racism, politics, freedom, forgiveness and acceptance without being offensive. Nelson Mandela has become an absolute inspiration to me for daring to bring peace into a country suffering from an arpatheid, for being imprisoned without fault for 30 years and still come out wanting to forgive.

I will finish with the words from New Zealand hardcore band Saving Grace: 'Where has integrity gone? Where has acceptance gone? Is individuality not beautiful?'

Listen to: Invictus Theme Song - 9000 Days

Loving...

Zombie movies; clean make-up and messy hair; badass chicks in movies with guns; skater boys; walking alone; bike riding in the rain; tattoos (especially boys with it); sunsets and sunrises; rooftop dancing; ambience; watching horror movies alone; falling asleep to the ipod; feel-good hardcore music; driving alone; the 50s pin up look; Daisy by Marc Jacobs; the colour black; Vans shoes; leopard print anything; long sleeved dresses; tea of any kind; looking through discount CDs at the music shop for hours; bunnies; Indian: clothes, bindis & food; getting presents in pretty gift boxes; fluffy pillows; wolves; travelling to the unknown; living out of a suitcase; Revlon nailpolish in 'Vixen'; beer; observing; fairy lights; Winter; beautiful men, strong men; independence; dogs > cats; doodling in my journal to Angus & Julia Stone, worshipping to Ascend The Hill; hair au naturale; Philippians 4:8; reading in the sun; rings; boys with accents; busyness; polka-dots; rain, rain, rain; French: films, language, villages; obsessive compulsive disorder; cold water on your skin on a hot day; hippies; roses; lomography fish eye cameras; Blalocks Indie Rock Playlist; respect; Mike Hranica; spontaneity; ocean life; love > hate; photos taken on film; pretty illustrations; the weird and wonderful.

Currenty listening to: Wild Vibes - Innate

Lately

Lately all I have been doing is

drinking English tea,
watching horror movies, French movies, The 70's Show (and Harry Potter in between)
reminiscing about old times
wishing it would rain more
picking up a book and putting it down again
feeling restless till I fall asleep at 4 in the morning

and thinking.
Lots of thinking.

Listen to: The Strokes - Under Cover of Darkness (I am so happy that they are back!)

If I come without a thing, then I come with all I need.

Listen to: Faunts - It Hurts Me All The Time

A random thought

Sin is like a vicious dog. It is blood-thirsty, can potentially kill people, including yourself, and has no regard for ethics or commands. When you keep feeding Sin the dog, it will be satisfied and will want more to feed on. Inevitably, it grows bigger and stronger. However, when you realise that feeding this dog is harming yourself and the people around you, you cease to feed it. The whining and pleading from Sin grows louder and more desperate. Unable to turn away from it's cries, you feed it, hesistantly, regrettably, with lust, anger, revenge, gossip and drunkenness.

No one is perfect. The dog of sin is in everybody's life. But if this metaphor for sin is somewhat right, shouldn't the way to kill Sin be to stop feeding it all together? To ignore the whining and pleading of Sin to feed it, and let it starve to death? If only it was that easy.

Listen to: Ascend The Hill - The Love of God