And so it begins...

Goodmorning everyone.

Last night, me and my buddy Jay had beers and smokes at mine, and then we went to town for the hardcore gig. Of course, 'he' was there. We said hi and had an awkward hug briefly because he was quite busy. I felt so awkward and shy. I also texted him afterwards saying it was good to see him (which my girlfriends will kill me for), but it's the truth. I feel a slight peace in my heart after all that, like the dust settled a little bit.
I will also like to give a shout out to my beautiful friend Laura who sent me a text that lifted me up so much. It was really what I needed. This past while, people mostly have been giving me advice about this and that, but never really encouraged who I was as a person and reaffirmed me. Laura did. I am so blessed to have her in my life. If you're reading this Laura, I love you!

Cheesiness aside, today is the day of my sobriety/giving up the things I spend too much time on. I feel ready. If it all goes well, I will see you in a month. So, take care everyone and I hope you have a beautiful month :)

Update #3

Hi all!

This is yet another update on my life.

So, tomorrow is the start of my sobriety which I am so keen to start. People have told me that it is going to be hard, and I agree, but if I am serious about wanting to change and get my life together again, it shouldn't be too difficult. I also won't be going on Facebook, Tumblr and this site for a month as well, only to check my emails and listen to music (no sites that are for entertainment purposes). I am going to (try) stop spending so much money on food. I am going to cut down TV time to half an hour max.
This all seems hard to give up for a month just like that, but I am allowing myself to fail and to make mistakes. Wish me luck! I will let you know how it goes in a month :)

In other news, I am still heartbroken. This past week has been gloomy. I spend time with my girlfriends and all I can think about is him and my heart aches. I've been sad and I feel ugly, and it shows. My girlfriends know it without me telling them, it shows in my body language and my face. Add really bad sleeping patterns on top of that and...you get the mental image. I'm going to a hardcore gig tonite and I think his band is playing. I'm not looking forward to it so much but I will be with my amazing friends so I'm going to at least try have a good time.

I think that's it. I will blog another post tomorrow before my sobriety.

<3

P.s. I am going to deactivate my Facebook now. It hurts to see his name in my news feed (as sooky as that sounds).

Currently listening to: Break Even - Run For Your Life

Music that...

Reminds you of an ex-lover: Death Cab for Cutie - Tiny Vessels.
That line: 'She is beautiful, but she don't meant a thing to me' is a line that I personally think is the most hurtful thing to say to a girl. The guy who broke my heart only wanted to be friends and that songline is what I think he feels about me.

Reminds you of an ex-friend: I can't remember people who I used to be friends with but now aren't. This is awkward.

Makes you cry: Lights - Face Up, Underoath - Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape, and a few more!
I have quite a handful of songs that make me tear up, but I have to be in the mood to actually cry in a song. When I'm sad however, any song can make me cry haha.

Makes you laugh: Flight of the Conchords - Albie The Racist Dragon
Such a funny song. I can rap the whole thing (kinda).

You never want to hear again: Eminem.
Any song from him. I get annoyed. I just don't like his music.

Sums up your teenage years: Underoath and The Strokes.
These two bands were my first ever loves from when I was 14. Underoath opened the door of the whole rock genre, and The Strokes got me into indie and garage rock music. They both changed my life and helped me through the dark times during those teenage years.

You want to get married to: Hardcore music ticks all my boxes. I would marry him for sure.

You like to wake up to: Ascend The Hill.
Almost every morning, I will wake up and kick start my day listening to Ascend The Hill. They just set the mood for my day and encourage me to encouter and give thanks to God. Their music can also make me cry in joy too. I love them so much!

You like out of your parents collection: They don't listen to music. They're those types of asian parents haha.

Wouldn't know about if it weren't for a friend: The Cure, The Drums.
Thank you Jack!

You want at your funeral: Underoath - Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape.
Perfect!

The seven deadly sins survey.

Wrath.
1. Who did you last get angry with?
My sister Sarah this morning...just because she said something I thought was offensive. I was way out of line :/

2. What is your weapon of choice?
Gun! If the world ended in a zombie aplocolypse or something, I would stock up on guns.

3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
As a joke a would, like lightly punching them on the arm.

4. How about of the same sex?
Nope, that's just nasty. I try to stay away from that. There is no need for it.

5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
I actually don't know about 'really' angry. I don't think anyone apart from my parents have been really angry at me. So, it would either be my mum or dad.

6. What is your pet peeve?
People that don't indicate on the road, boys that swear/hit girls...and so many others that I can't think of right now.

7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
I tend to keep grudges but I try to let go of them.

Sloth.
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't?
I don't know. I don't have something I HAVE to do daily.

2. What is the latest you've ever woken up?
Once, I conked out at 2pm because I didn't get any sleep last night, and woke up at 10.30pm. Real bad!

3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?
Oh, that would be a few people, but mainly Kate. We were supposed to have coffee.

4. What is the last lame excuse you made?
Haha, that would be last night. I didn't want to see anyone so I made an excuse.

5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Yup, when I was younger...the Magic Bullet! Haha the funny thing is, we now have one at home.

6. When was the last time you got in a good workout?
Whoa it was so long ago! A few years back when I excercised and enjoyed it. But now, I don't work out intentionally or anything. I'm trying to quit smoking so I can go for runs though.

7. How many times did you snooze your alarm clock today?
I didn't have to :) I woke up way before my alarm rang.

Gluttony.
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
Green Tea Frappachino from Starbucks, which isn't too expensive. It's around $.700.

2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat?
White meat more so!

3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one night?
Haha oh dear. This is really bad, but I mixed a whole lot of spirits in one cup (gin, hennessy, alize, etc) and I kept drinking even though I was quite drunk. I ended up comaed out in the car for the rest of the night and had to get medicine the next morning because I was vommitting blood. By far my craziest drinking experience ever.

4. Have you ever used a professional diet company?
The word 'diet' scares me!

5. Do you have an issue with your weight?
It isn't bad now. Before when I was younger, I went through a very mild stage where I was bulimic and worked out to be skinny like the girls in the magazines. I tried to starve myself too. But now, I am much healthier in the way I think about my body. I laugh it off most of the time!

6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods?
I hate salty foods, but sweets sound more like me :)

7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet and thought "lunch"?
What? Is it because I'm asian?

Lust.
1. How many people have you seen naked:
Half? Haha.

2. How many people have seen YOU naked:
None! I am too self concious about my skin, which is a good thing in this case.

3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at someones chest/crotch?
Lol. Maybe I have, maybe I havn't...

4. Have you "done it"?
Sex? In my opinion, no I havn't.

5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender?
Hm...I love eyes. Women have a wonderful sparkle in them!

6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
Oh no way haha.

7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy?
Nope.

Greed.
1. How many credit cards do you own?
Just one!

2. What's your guilty pleasure store?
I don't shop alot, but I go nuts in a great op shop.

3. If you had $10 million, what would you do with it?
This is what I think I would do with it: $4 million would go to charity and helping the poor in my country. $2million I would put my parents in retirement and move to a nice house by the beach, pay for me and my siblings education etc. I would use some to travel the world. And I would use some to give to my Asian church. I don't know what else I would do with it! It's a lot of money I'm not comfortable with having.

4. Would you rather be rich, or famous?
Hm. If I was rich I could use the money to help those less fortunate. If I was famous I would have global influence and spread awareness for charity causes. I think I would rather be famous- you have a voice and you have money.

5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks?
Life is all about doing what you love, fulfulling your passions! Money is not a factor when it comes to doing what you were meant to do.

6. Have you ever stolen anything?
Nope.

7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive?
Um, I have a lot of music if that's what the question means? Haha.

Pride.
1. What's one thing you have done that you're most proud of?
Doing Hope99, me and my friend's non profit charity group. We raised money and awareness for abused kids in Thailand. I'm so proud of Kate (my partner), the church and everyone who gave and supported us.

2. Whats one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of?
I'm not sure! Probably finish high school haha.

3. What things would you like to accomplish in your life?
Travel, photograph, be involved in music, love God, love people.

4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
No way man. It's never about winning. It's about your integrity.

5. Have you ever entered a contest knowing you would win?
Haha yep, in primary there was this drawing competition and I was quite proud of my work as people loved it. I won in the end!

6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score?
Wow I don't think so. That sounds like something the younger me would do, but not now.

7. What did you do today that you're proud of?
I had a talk with my sister over breakfast today. I love spending time with her, but I rarely do.

Envy.
1. What item does your friend have that you want?
Hmm...a Mac I guess!

2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
I have no idea what that is, but I assume it is about swapping lives with someone. If that's the case, I would go with a band! I would love to tour, meet people, inspire people and see tangible change in their lives, play music I love and tell people that there is hope. It just looks so fun.

3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be?
That's hard. It would be a tie between jet-setter, ambassodor for a charity, in a band touring or someone working for music festivals like Warped Tour!

4. Have you ever been cheated on?
Nope.

5. Have you ever wished you had a different physical feature?
Yep, my skin!

6. What trait in others do you wish you had for yourself?
Definitely patience...I go crazy trying to be patient!

7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey?
Haha no. It was fun though. Now my amazing blog readers will know how sinful I am ;)

Stick To Your Guns, Some Kind of Hope

In a world that can't, we can. In a world that hates, we understand. We are some kind of love...we are some kind of hate, we are some kind of hope.
In a world that won't, well we've got the world by the throat...I'll see through every inch of doubt. I am the moon when the sun goes down, and I'll reflect its shine in my life.

Vegetarianism.

I was doing a little bit of research on what eating meat and not eating meat means to my faith. I was getting a little fed up with vegetarians, and I see partictularly christian vegetarians, forcing their beliefs on people, putting down those who eat meat and thinking they are better than them.

I see that in the beginning, God intended all of creation to be vegetarian.“I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be food for you. And to the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the creatures that move on the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food. And it was so.” Genesis 1:29-30.

But after the great flood, God gave sinful and flawed men permission to eat meat. “The fear and dread of you will fall upon all of the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air, upon every creature that moves along the ground, and upon all the fish of the sea; they are given into your hands. Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, now I give you everything.” Genesis 9:1-3.

Some meat eating people may argue that Jesus ate meat, but some may argue that is because back in those times, they weren’t mass raised, over-fed or polluted and exploited in any way.

I think a reason people become vegetarian is because they disagree with the way animals are slaughtered for our hunger in the world today. But at the same time, some people are not bothered by it or know where their meat is coming from, so they eat it anyway. Of course, God loves his creation and hates to see such expoliation, but God has given us free will and permission to eat meat and it is not a sin to do so. I eat meat because I enjoy it. My friend eats meat because he did it his whole life and never thought to not eat it. It is your lifestyle decision.

To conclude, it is a matter of personal choice and I think neither choice is right or wrong as long as you give thanks to the food, plant or meat, God puts on your table. Whatever your beliefs are, "the kingdom of God is not a matter eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." (Romans 17:17). I will love you and accept you for whatever you eat, but I am just sick of vegetarians thinking that their way of life is the only way, the right way. I leave you with a verse from Romans 14:2-3:

“One man’s faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. The mans who eats everything must not look down on him who does not, and the man who does not eat everything must not condemn the man who does, for God has accepted him."

"Just trust me when I say I'm alrite, just trust me when I say I'll get by."

Currently listening to: OFWGKTA - Drop by Earl Sweatshirt

Life is beautiful...

It's when a ray of sunlight streams through the room and onto my face
when I inhale and exhale a cigerette and watch the smoke rise above me and curl into thin air
when I feel the cold night air pressing around my face
when my dog looks up at me
when the sunrise sillouettes the trees outside my window
when my little cousin tells me I'm pretty
when I walk the city alone
when I cry
when I am the only one awake
when I hear the trees rustling
when I look up on my deck and see an array of stars winking at me
when I sleep on fresh sheets
when I sketch a pictures of my friends and see the look on their face when I give it to them
when I listen to Ascend The Hill in the morning
when I make eye contact with a stranger
when I dance
when I see my friends laughing
when I walk bare foot
when I go on bush walks alone and soak in the trees and creeks
when I smile at strangers
when someone picks me up off my feet and spins me around till my head spins
when I pray to my King
when I get a head rush
when I listen to The Cure
when I kiss
when my hearts beats faster when my crush is around the bend
when I think about the Love of God
when I see photographs of me and my loved ones
when the grass touches me
when I sit on the beach and listen to the waves
when I drink a hot cup of tea

It's about the small things.

Lalala.

It's 5am and I've been awake for a while now...I think I will always get used to never sleeping properly. But that's okay.

This is another update on my life...

I'm going to apply for Ministry Training College which takes 6 months. I hope I get in. Of all the jobs I have been applying at, not one has called me back, and I have been praying that some door will open for me this year. I think this is God's way of telling me to do the course instead of work to go overseas. I'm a little skeptical but this is a great opportunity to trust God.

I have been feeling a little down about myself, physcially and emotionally at the moment. I have let so many people down this year. I have messed some of my friendships up with people. I am genuinely sorry for doing what I did...I wasn't myself and I didn't have it all together. Ever since I came back from China, life has been one great sigh. It really has been a hard year. But now, I feel like I'm getting my life together again. The christian ministry course, the sobriety, spending more time with God, people and myself...although I feel like an anchor that is dragging me down and keeping me from shining is boys. I feel unwanted and it shows. My self-esteem has hit a low. I feel real crap about my appearance and when I compare myself to other girls I feel even crapper. I know it's not true, but sadly, the truth doesn't seem to be winning right now.

Some aspects of my life have been great, however! I havn't lost hope. I went to church today and I felt so loved, so happy, so myself. The people there are great. Music is also great. Nature is also great. God's love is also great. Things have been better than they were a month ago. All I can do is praise God, good times, but especially the bad times.

Currently listening to: Modest Mouse - 3rd Planet

Hi hi.

Just thought I would give you a little update on my life this morning, before my friend picks me up to go to an opening day for a bible course! Real stoked and I hope I can do it.

Lately, all I have been doing is not sleeping, then sleeping all day, drinking litres of tea, trying to find a job, spending time with my mates (more girlfriends than guy friends surprisingly!) and learning to be sad.

Yes, I am still a little hung up about the boy, but I am getting there! I feel like I'm healing. But last night, I saw him and my heart just sunk and I was welling up with tears. He symbolises what I want but cannot have, he symbolises what I like and what I dislike...Sigh, aren't boys something?

I don't know who is reading this but whoever you are, you are beautiful and I sincerely hope you are well :)

Rich.

Tonite I was hanging out with the Jesus for the Homeless crew in Auckland City. I blogged about this group a while ago, but for those of you who don't know about it, it's basically a group who reach out to the homeless in our city and love them with God's love. As christians, we don't push our beliefs on them. We don't force them to be christians. We simply just hang out with them, talk to them and give them food. We are showing them God through our actions and the way we speak. It's wonderful because when we approach them, give them food and ask how their night is going, they ask us, 'Are you christians?' While christians do get a bad name sometimes, it's great that they sometimes associate the word 'christians' with caring and generous.

Anyway, tonite I met a woman who was sitting with a money box in front of her. She was a christian and she was lovely. She was with her partner, who she said she was looking after. She doesn't necessarily live on the street- she has an apartment- but from what I can grasp, street life is a part of her. I was softened by her wisdom. One thing she said particularly struck me, and it has been lingering on my mind tonite: 'I may be poor, but I am rich- in the heart.' And that's all that matters isn't it?
A good friend of mine, who was there tonite, is a wonderful man and christian and he was telling me about his walk with God. He had decided a few weeks ago to give up the things he loved like Xbox and TV and just focus and give it all to God. It was hard but it was worth it. He felt great afterwards and he said to me, you can't go a day without praying and reading the Bible. It is so important.
Another friend of mine, Lee, is such a legitamate guy who has this genuine love for God and his people. He was telling me that he threw his laptop out. It had been such a time-sucker. He gave it to his grandparents, but Satan kept saying lies to him, saying he needed it to do work or evangelise, but Lee told me it was much better being face to face with people because it actually shows them that you have time and you care about them enough to see them. He does all his work and emails at work. He is so much more free and he has time to actually talk to people.

I realise now that these three conversations all end up on the same bottom line. We don't need anything that we think we need.
As the lovely woman taught me, we don't need to have food on our tables everyday. She is hungry all the time and has kids and is planning to have more, but she concerns herself with caring for them instead of herself. We don't need to worry about food. God will provide our daily bread.
As my good friend Luke taught me, you don't need to waste your time with indulgent amounts of entertainment- Xbox, TV, the likes. As hard as it may be, you can give it up and you can start to feel good about yourself again.
As Lee taught me, you don't need a laptop to evangilise, maintain relationships, or for me, find a job. You can talk to people face to face and say, I love you, I care for you, and I am here to show it. You can go on the streets and evangilise in a powerful way.

I am ready to struggle for a good change. Along with my sobriety next week, I feel like I can give up what is hindering my relationship with Christ.
I spend too much time on Facebook, mindlessly parading my life and appearance so that I may look cool to people. This is so destructive, so I am going to deactivate it.
I spend too much money on food, so I am not going to buy food or eat out unless it is catching up with a friend.
I spend too much time on the laptop, so I am only going to use it to check my email or listen to music.
I end up watching TV alot when there is nothing to do, so I am going to watch a maximum of half an hour.
I will do this for at least a month, and see where it takes me. It is so much more than a sobriety now. It's going to be hard but it's going to be worth it.

In the meantime, I want to spend more personal time with my family and sister, with my friends, with nature, with myself, and most importantly, with God. I am going to spend time worshipping him, reading his word, praying and being still. I want him to be my everything. I want him to finally grasp and journey towards the true purpose of life. I want to be rich in the heart, and not material things.

We don't need anything, my friends. It's about knowing Him and knowing everything else will flow towards you from his hand. That, to me, is being rich.

'If I come without a thing, then I come with all I need.'

Something that you miss.

The first thing that came to my mind? Jack. I already made a post of him which you can read here.

Also, a recent thing is my dog! We just got it last night, and my brother put it outside, and then it ran into the golf course. I spent 20 minutes at 2am just before trying to look for it...my feet were wet and my heart was heavy. Even if it wanted to come back it wouldn't know which one our house is because it's a new environmet. I hope it comes back soon :(

A problem that you have had.

Hm this is quite vague. But I guess a recent one was with a boy (which, if you read my blog, will know!)

Long story short because I don't like talking too much about it, we were friends, he lead me on, I fell for him, I gave myself to him and then he told me what we were doing was wrong and he wanted to be friends. It may seem like I'm pinning all the blame on him, but I'm not. I did wrong too. I knew he wanted to be friends and I still went on with it. I gave too much of myself to him, I allowed myself to put my heart on my sleeve for a guy I didn't know too well.

He was my first broken heart, I can say genuinely. I think I still have feelings for him after all that. The sadder thing is, if he called me over, I would in a heartbeat. I guess you could say I am still a little heartbroken over it. I'm trying to move on but I fail. That was the problem. Unrequited love.

If anything, it made me wiser, more experienced and it made me appreciate my girlfriends more. They have been so amazing and supportive throughout it all. But like my friend Luke said, when you have a broken heart, whatever anyone says doesn't help, and that's okay. I think the only real way to heal a broken heart is time, but most importantly bringing it all to God, even when you just want to wallow in your sorrows. I found talking to girlfriends, dancing, great food and music help a little bit too :)

Currently listening to: Lisa Mitchell - Neopoliton Dreams

Hmm...

I'm wondering what it would feel like if I didn't drink, smoke or take any legal and illegal chemicals and drugs for a whole month. (P.s. I don't do drugs all the time, I just do it when my friends do it which is once in a blue moon.)

This guy I follow on tumblr tried out vegetarianism for a month, nothing serious, and now he is vegetarian which I think is cool. I want to do something like that too. I want to try being alcohol, smoke and drug free for a month and see where that takes me or if I will change in any way.
Knowing me, I won't do this till maybe next month...but I think it will really help my self-discipline as I have zilch, and give more control in my life which I need right now. I have been harming my body and self-esteem too much lately. I want to treat my body and mind like God's temple, because it is. I want to change, for the better. Plus, it would save me so much money.

Wish me luck. I think I will give it a try within 2 weeks. I'll let you know how it goes :)

Currently listening to: Switchfoot - Needle and Haystack

My broken heart is healing.

To my fellow ladies (and gentlemen), thanks to a good friend of mine Sinead, I re-realise such an important thing when it comes to having your heart broken by a boy. God wants what is best for you. He doesn’t want to hurt you by taking away boy after boy after boy from you. It’s just because he already has this man in mind that he is going to blow you away with. One day, we will say to this boy, ‘You were worth every ache in my heart. You are the mine.’ For real :)

Us girls have this tendency to run to a boy to fill this hole in our heart. I think ever since we were born, we were meant to be a beautiful, supportive companion to a man, to an Adam. But instead, we fill it by going to a flawed, sinful man in hopes he will fulfil everything we wanted. 9 times out of 10, he won’t. In my experience, men have only made the hole bigger, made me feel unworthy and not beautiful, made me skeptical and even hateful of men. Every man who I wanted to date in my life has hurt me and dissappointed me somehow. Each one has made me cry and sad. The thing is, God knows what we need. He knows our hearts. You were never meant to shed tears and be hurt by a man. Never can a human determine what we are worth, that is God’s job and he says we are beautiful and worth it. Only he can fill the hole in our heart. Run to him. Trust him. He won’t fail you. Humans do but he won’t, I promise.

And yet, the most wonderful thing is, God is so head over heels in love with us. It says in the Bible that your name written on his hand. He knows every hair on your head. He knows you inside and out and knows every good and bad thing you have done, now and even in the future, even before you were born. Yet his love for you is deeper than the deepest ocean, higher than the highest mountain, so passionate and strong and unfailing. He loves your laugh, he loves your smile, he is there when we go to sleep and he is there when we wake up.

So the bottom line is this. You may think a guy is perfect for you, but is he the perfect guy God had in mind for you?

This was a long-winded topic cut short, so if you want to hear about this more or have any questions don't be scared to comment me or email me: jennychang92@gmail.com. I'd be happy to talk :)

What kind of person attracts you.

I don't know if this means what kind of person attracts me in a guy or in general, but I'll just go with general.

I'm attracted to people who have suffered in any way.
I'm attracted to people who are very passionate, especially those who are passionate about supporting good causes.
I'm attracted to people who have an opinion, who think. I'm attracted to people who are not afraid to stand up for what they believe in.
I'm attracted to people who don't seek finding a girl/boy to hook up, but just do their thing and let the rest come their way.
I'm attracted to people who are nice and loving to everyone, even people they have just met.
I'm attracted to people who laugh. Some people are just real serious and take things on personal level, but those kind of people just enjoy life and go with the flow.
I'm attracted to funny people! That's my weakness. I will instantly love you if you are funny.
I'm attracted to people with tattoos, on a more shallow side.
I'm attrated to bad ass people, the ones who break the rules and don't really give a crap about anything.
I'm attracted to people who don't try please anyone but are true to themselves.
I'm attracted to people with confidence, who are not afraid to strike up a conversation, compliment you or try to impress you.
I'm attracted to people just want to have a good time.
And of course, I'm attracted to skaters :)

Currently listening to: Corinne Bailey Rae - Put Your Records On

Matthew 6.

^25-26"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

^27-29"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.

^30-33"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.

³⁴"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."

Listen to: Ascend The Hill - Fall

Bored.

When was the last time you had a real smile on your face?
It was in Hamilton I think...just being with my girlfriends made me happy.

Has a boy/girl ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend for you?
Oh gosh, I think so. I didn't know he had a girlfriend, but I was quite drunk and we kissed. This was the first time I ever drank...

Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?
I hate him but I like him too.

When’s the last time you had a late night phone conversation?
This guy who I had a brief thing with. He ended up being a jerk :/

Do you honestly believe that good things happen to those who wait?
For sure.

Do you want to see someone this very minute?
Yeah I do. A few people actually :( Unfortunately I know it won't be for a long time.

Do you trust all of your friends?
No...I only really trust a couple.

Are you happy with the way things are going?
Yes and no. Things are getting better now. But things havn't been great either. I feel like I'm just floating and I want to do something productive!

Are you a forgiving person?
No, I have trust issues!

Do you have to check in with your parents before you go someplace?
I don't have to, but I choose to, and they're always okay with it.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
Yes! I have plenty who I can be comfortable around.

Describe how you feel about your life in the past month using one word:
Terrible?

Would you like to go back and change any part of your life?
Yes, I have one thing I would change. I would rewind and not ruin this special friendship I had with someone.

When will your next kiss be?
Hmm, not sure hehe. I hope it will be soon which is really bad. I like kissing a lot though.

Where were you at midnight?
I was waiting outside in Hamilton for a taxi with my girlfriends to go clubbing!

Would you hug the last person you hugged again?
Yeees, Hala my other wife :)

Last person you saw other than your family?
Hala and Sheena when I was leaving for Auckland.

Will tomorrow be better than today?
I hope so! Today was a downbuzz day.

What is the last non-alcoholic beverage you drank?
Tea of course. Yum yum yum.

What does your hair look like right now?
It's damp because I just had a shower. Natural and a side fringe.

Is there a night you’d like to put on repeat, and live it forever?
Not forever but there is one I would like to relive: watching the sunrise with my good mates at Waihi beach. I don't think I have ever been more content than in that moment.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Dad.

Do you know anyone who doesn’t smoke pot?
The majority aka the good ones haha.

Name a time you thought you were going to die?
I took Kronic, which is a legal chemical in New Zealand. It was my first time and I went hardout, and I was tripping so bad. I thought I wasn't going to live, that I was going to coma out.

Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Nicolas who lives a street away :)

If you found out you got someone pregnant, what would you do?
I would tell them to get a pregnancy test and tell them to abort it because I'm broke... Just kidding hahaha.

What annoys you?
Rude, disrespectful people, boys, etc etc...the list could go for ages.

Next vacation you’re going on?
France please! I need a job :(

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Totally.

What was the last thing you ate?
I think it was prawn cracker chips. Gonna have Migoreng soon :)

Ever sneak out the house?
Haha yep all the time. But this is because my rents are usually asleep and I don't want to wake them up and tell them I'm going out.

Last thing you purchased?
A Cotton On button up plaid shirt and a gold owl necklace.

What’s your favorite beverage?
Green Tea Frappachino with cream on top from Starbucks. Soo good.

Ever dated a blond-haired, blue-eyed person?
Nope, havn't dated before...

Do you ever lie about your age?
Sometimes for kicks!

Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
Yes, it's happening right now :(

Someone.

I hate how this someone can have so much power over my life in so little time. This someone makes me cry in pain, but this someone also makes me deliriously happy. I hate that this someone is like my kryptonite. And yet the thing is, this someone probably doesn't think of me at all in this way, and doesn't hurt like I do over this situation. It's been weighing me down. No matter how or what things my friends will say to help me let go of this someone, I can't.
How in the world do you heal a broken heart?

Someone who fascinates you and why.

This is probably cliche to you, but Jesus. He fascinates me in so many ways. I am astounded by the way he loved people. How can you love someone who betrays you, who whips you, who nails you to a piece of wood, who spears you, who falsely accuses you and mocks you, who spits on you? He was the Son of the God of heaven and earth, he could of summoned 10,000 angels to fight for him. But he didn't. He chose to bear it on his own, simply because he wanted to set an example for the human race. He died so that we could live eternally with him. I am fascinated by the way he treated people, as if he was just one of them, never mentioning or gloating about his supremecy. He ate with prostitutes, tax collectors and the poor. He humbled the proud. He healed, both physically and emotionally. He spread his light and joy and love, never waning or backing down even in times of darkness and temptation. Jesus is someone I really admire and want to be like, even though I am far from being perfect and good like he was on earth.

Currently listening to: A Day To Remember - Have Faith In Me

Your favourite movie and what it's about.

My favourite movie is Lords of Dogtown! It's based on a true story about a group of skaters who change the way they skated back in the 70's. It's based in California, and the skaters are Stacy Peralta, Tony Alva and Jay Adams, also known as The Z-boys. They pioneered a daring new sport. It was all about doing things for the thrill, like skating in random people's empty pools. They become well known in the industry and eventually the fame got to their heads. I love everything about it: the fashion, the music, the era, the hot skaters, the confidence. I can watch it over and over again and not get sick of it!

Currently listening to: Kings of Leon - Taper Jean Girl

Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous and you find attractive.

Michael Cera; because he is the quintessential lovable geek. He is so cute, romantic and effortlessly funny in his movies. I think he's adorable.

Nick Valensi; guitarist for The Strokes. He is so good looking! He is also a brilliant guitarist and I think his attitude is sexy.

Jesse Eisenberg; because he has the cutest voice and his dorkyness in his movies makes me laugh. I find him so attractive physically too. There's just something about him.

James Dean; because he's the quintessential bad boy, with a stunning bone structure might I add...

Mike Hranica; vocals for The Devil Wears Prada. He has so much passion physically and emotionally for his music, and he's also smart. I love his tattoos and I find him very attractive.

You are worth it.

Just when I was feeling so down in the dumps about a boy, I worship and I realise that all I need is God and only He can make me whole. I read past encouragements my friends have given me and I can't believe how blessed I am. I am so lucky to have friends who appreciate me and love me and look out for me. I am so lucky for this life. Everyday is a day to be stoked and psyched about life, even when things are utterly crap. I want to remind you that every breath you take is under God's consent. You are here for a special reason, not to be feel sad or hurt or broken by people who treat you in a way you weren't meant to be treated. Yes it's hard to move on, but yes we are not alone. We are all worth so much more friends. We are meant to love and be loved, that's it. Don't let anyone or anything bring your spirit down, ever.

Currently listening to: Ascend The Hill - Be Thou My Vision

Have you changed in the past two years?

In obvious ways, my fashion changed. I used to just play it safe and buy clothes from certain stores, but now I like to have fun and mix my clothes up a little.
I am more sadder now than I was two years ago. Back then I was always bubbly and happy. I've learnt that you can't shove away your emotions. You have to be honest and deal with them.
I've become more mature, and I don't like to go out as much now.
I think more about my appearance now, especially with make up!
The friends I hang out with now have changed. The friends I keep close to me now are wild and funny and supportive. I've learnt who my true friends are.
I think about sex and relationships more now, and I have a better head knowledge of it. The 2009 me was innocent and was uncomfortable talking about it!
I switched from Dolly magazine to Cosmopoliton ;)
My music taste evolved, and I started listening to different types of genres. I used to be sraight indie and hardcore and such.
I started caring less about what other people think. I still care a whole lot, but back then it determined everything. I've learnt to be who you are and not try to fit in a particular group.
I'm more open and confident now. I like to socialise and strike up a conversation with strangers.
I am more accepting of my past now. It used to hurt me and chain me, but now I can talk about it when I want to with ease. I know it can help someone one day.
I'm more insecure about my ezcema.
I've learnt to stand up for myself and not to let people walk all over me. I've learnt not to be a doormat. I've learnt to say no.
I am more comfortable having my hair natural now! Before I used to freak out about straightening my hair everyday...
I am more accepting and less judgemental of people.
I am less trusting, especially with boys.

I've changed in so many ways, particularly internally, that I probably havn't noticed!

This is me in 2009.

Currently listening to: Death Cab for Cutie - Tiny Vessels

^_^

YAY! I have my laptop back. But my net is pretty crap, not letting me go on most sites. At least I can post some pictures now =)

Currently listening to: Ascend The Hill - The Love of God

Survey #3434

Your last received text, what do you think of them?
She's a lovely girl and we will hopefully be going to France at the end of this year together :D

Who did you last ride in the car with?
Daniel my brother, and his friend. I was dropping them off somewhere.

Your sister tells you she's in jail, what do you say?
'What for? I'M GOING TO GET YOU!'

Will you keep your last name when you get married?
Hmm depends. If the last name of my future husband is something like 'Bing' I will keep mine haha.

Would you rather go camping or to a nice hotel?
A nice hotel! I don't like camping very much.

Do you give out second chances too easily?
Nope. I have a hard time forgiving people.

Where did you get the jewelry you are currently wearing?
I got my bow necklace from China :)

Do you think you'll have the same best friend a year from now?
Yes! She is stuck with me for life, whether she likes it or not :P

Have you ever thought about getting your tongue pierced?
Yep, but I'd rather have other piercings to be honest.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
YES! An arm piece that I have been wanting for a long time now. I just need the money.

Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/ girlfriend smokes?
It's a turn on for me.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Maybe :3

How many people do you trust fully?
Three.

When you're bored in class, what do you usually do?
Text, talk to my friends, doodle, listen to my ipod, daydream!

How do you feel right now?
Itchy and hungry haha.

What are you currently doing?
Blogging, Facebook, Tumblr.

How would your parents react if you got a tattoo?
They would be aite with it. I think they would be upset by it at first but then they would accept it. My brother has a big one on his forearm and they're cool with it.

What are you listening to right now?
Calvin Harris! I love him.

What did you have for breakfast?
Cereal and English Breakfast Tea :)

Was it a boy or a girl to text you first today?
Girl.

When was the last time you were on the phone after 2AM?
5 or 6 months ago with a boy, who ended up being a jerk.

Where did the shirt you are wearing come from?
From Ling's wardrobe hehe.

Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is ok?
Never!!! Honestly, I can't think of a good excuse for cheating. If you don't want to be with someone, be straight up, and if you do, just don't cheat. But I have never been in a relationship before so I'm talking out of nowhere here.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
Nope.

Is there someone you wish you were still close with?
Ummm...yes there is :(

What were you doing last night?
I went to Anja's farewell party...it was lovely but sad!

How do you feel about your hair right now?
Meh.

What is your number one doing right now?
My number one? Who dat?

Are you texting anyone?
Not yet...I heard my phone ring just before so I need to pick it up soon.

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
Noooo! He's one of my besties...

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Asleep! With my make-up on too, tragic...

Are you happy with the way things are going?
Things are getting better, but nothing too exciting is happening.

So what do you want for your birthday?
I want a plane ticket to France!

Do you think you'll have the same boyfriend/ girlfriend a year from now?
I don't have a boyfriend.

Have you ever kissed anyone named Jason?
Haha nah.

Has someone close to you died of a murder?
Nope :( That would be terrible.

Who are you more like, your mom or your dad?
My mom...I can't relate to my dad in any way...

Is your favorite number three, five, or twelve?
Three!

Have you kissed a random person for money?
Lol nope.

How many people do you have feelings for right now?
Just one, but the feeling isn't mutual.

Do you have a crush on someone?
Yes I do...I think...

Are you attracted to someone right now?
I answered this question twice hahaha, yes I am.

What's the longest time you ever spent liking someone?
Wow, like 3 years! Honestly, I didn't even know him that well, and I liked him heaps but he never really noticed me. The funny thing is, I was talking to him the other night and I never knew all that time that he talked like a gay person. I was laughing in my head! It's so silly!

Is it okay to like someone else when you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
That's so not on aye!

Let the survey spam begin (all stolen off Beverley haha)

Finish The Sentence Survey:

1. My ex ... is non existent.

2. Maybe I should ... stop smoking, stop spending money I shouldn't be spending, stop taking things out on my sister, stop being down, stop eating so much etc etc...

3. I love ... God, music, friends, my mum and sister, photography, nature!

4. People would say that I'm ... a sweetheart. That's the most common thing people who meet me say...a sleep-a-holic!...a short Asian.

5. I don't understand why people ... are mean to each other, don't just relax and go with the flow, stress out about shallow things.

6. When I wake up in the morning ... I make myself some tea :3

7. I lost my ... ipod, money, driver's license :(

8. Life is full of ... beauty, but also full of pain. Also, full of a lot of jerks.

9. My past is ... haunting and messed up, but it has made me the person I am today.

10. I get annoyed ... with a lot of things! People who are disrespectful and boys who treat girls like crap, lately. Also, cars that don't indicate.

11. Parties are ... fun if you are drunk haha. Otherwise it's boring and sleazy.

12. I wish ... that I will find a decent job, that the boy I like will like me back, that I can have enough money to travel my butt off.

13. Dogs ... are amazing! I want one but my mum doesn't like them.

14. Cats ... are annoying and I don't like them at all. They strut like they own the place and you have to work for their affection, but dogs protect you and love you always.

15. Tomorrow ... is Mother's Day and I want it to be lovely for her.

16. I have low tolerance ... for douchebags and ignorant people who are close-minded.

17. If I had a million dollars ... I would put my mum into retirement, move the family to a nice house by the beach, donate to charity organisations, use some to kick start my own, aaand go to overseas festivals and concerts and TRAVEL!

18. I'm totally terrified ... of losing someone I love.

19. My spouse ... is non existent, but if I marry, will be so, so amazing.

Your beliefs.

I believe in respect.

I believe that everyone should treat each other the way they want to be treated.

I believe in never giving up when the going gets tough.

I believe in hope, even in the darkest times, even when you fall and can't see the road ahead of you.

I believe in encouraging and caring for others more than yourself.

I believe in the power of music.

I believe that true beauty can't be seen with the eyes.

I believe success is not measured by whether or not you go University, have money, a family, a perfect husband or a great career. I believe it is measured by the way you treat others.

I believe in being young and wild and free no matter how old you are.

I believe in kissing.

I believe in God, most of all. I believe that he is perfect, he is good, he is loving, he is wise and he is strong.

Survey #2487

Do you want to grow old with someone or be single forever?
Right now, I want to be single for the rest of my life, but I will probably find a boy I really like who I want to keep with me forever :3

Are you smiling in your Facebook default picture?
Nope, I'm doing a cheeky half smile.

What has pissed you off today, if anything at all?
Trying to fall asleep and then having to wake up again. I haven't had a decent sleep in a while.

Did you reject or accept your last friend request?
Accept.

You're insanely drunk stumbling through the streets, slurring songs, who are you with?
Haha easy! Jayesh and Jack! We are so wild when we are drunk together.

Do you know anyone who would just drop everything to come see you?
Umm...Linda, Ling, Jack and probably a few more.

Will you be in a relationship in the next month?
Nope.

What about 3 months?
Probably not knowing my luck with love.

What are you doing tomorrow?
It's Mothers Day so just going to church and being at home :)

What kind of car do you have?
I don't have a car.

Have you ever moved?
Twice when I was young!

Would you ever sky dive?
I would be so scared but the opportunity would be too good to pass up!

Would you ever marry for money?
NEVER! That is something I would never marry for. It's about love.

Do you brush your teeth everyday?
Yesss. I used to not when I was younger but now I realize that's just gross.

Do you speak more then one language?
I speak a little bit of Cantonese, but not fluently.

Have you ever had a best friend?
Yep!

What were you doing at 8 a.m. this morning?
I was watching T.V. I've been waking up at 5 a.m lately because my sleeping pattern is so bad!

About the person your currently falling for?
Well I think I'm not falling for him. But he's cute as, he's passionate, he makes music and skates and does rad stuff like that. We're just mates though.

What happened at nine a.m. yesterday?
Awake as usual.. :)

Wearing something that you borrowed from someone?
Oh well I'm wearing a top that my friend gave me if that counts.

Is something bothering you?
No money, finding a job, a boy...

When's the last time you got stung by a bee?
I never have been. I'm so scared of being stung. I run like a madman when I see a bee haha!

What do you hear?
Music, my cousin and sister.

Think a lot before you fall asleep?
Definitely! I sometimes don't get to sleep because of these thoughts bouncing around in my head.

If you were a reasonable age, would you prefer a baby boy or girl?
Boy for sure. I don't like girls very much haha.

Do you like Redbull?
Yup!

Whats the biggest scar on your body?
My biggest scar is my whole body. There are scars everywhere.

How's your hair styled right now?
A side fringe, natural.

Do you drop your phone a lot?
Ahh I'm the worst when it comes to dropping phones! I ruin it all the time. I've had like, 8 phones in my lifetime.

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day?
I hope so...

Do you want kids?
No...

Honestly, what color is your underwear?
White and black.

Honestly. Are you okay right now?
I'm ok. I'm not great and I'm not sad.

Do you have a reason to smile right now?
I always have a reason to smile, I just tend to focus on the negatives in life more than the positives. The fact that I am breathing by God's will right now and that I am infinitely loved by him is a reason I can smile erryday.

Do you know how you are going to propose?
I'm not a dude so no.

Was yesterday better than today?
I guess so. I'm less tired today.

What do you want most right now?
A boy to cuddle with.

Learning.

Lately (and as you can see) I have been having a hard time with life in general. Things with family, boys, alcohol, sex and drugs and have led me to a point where I just stop and ask 'What am I living for?'

I feel like whenever I take one step forward, I take two steps back. I feel like I am the prodigal son, coming back to God's arms again and again, realizing and grasping redemption and then stupidly letting it go again. I run but there are dead ends all around me.

Life is all about learning. I realize that it is not about arriving, but about the journey.

Learning what is important and learning what is not.

Learning who to hold close to your heart and learning who to let go.

Learning to embrace your past and trust God with your future and learning to forgive those who hurt you.

Learning to accept and love your body and learning to let insults slide like water off a ducks back.

Learning to get back up when you fall.

Learning to accept support from your loved ones.

Learning that you are not alone.

Learning that you need God and not the comfort of the darkness.

Learning that life is not the real deal, and we are all homeward bound to heaven or hell, our choice.

Learning the hard way that life is so beautiful, but so painful at the same time. We are never really home on this earth. We keep pushing forward, reaching out, to what? To thin air. But I don't want to reach for thin air. I want to grasp that place I want to finally call home.

This is not me arriving to a point where I will give up the things of this world. This is me in the darkness, realizing there is so much more. This is me looking into the light, afraid of what it can and will expose and tell me to let go of.

I want to share this with you. If you ever fall down or in a rut, go back to the purest place in your heart, breathe, and start over again.

There is one path that is always open but is very narrow. This is the path that I am scared to take.

Your highs and lows of this past year.

My highs would be:

Going overseas to China and visiting my relatives and family again. Also, doing some major shopping and going out. It was a time where I reflected on who I was, who I wanted to be, and who was close to my heart.

Meeting so many rad people.

My lows would be:

Going into a deep time of depression again.

Having my heart broken by a boy.

People at my work being mean to me, resulting in my quitting.

Feeling my family was against me.

Losing my laptop, ipod and getting money stolen from my bag. Living without my music is so difficult for me.

Your views on mainstream music.

I don't like or listen to mainstream music very much. To me, it's all generic, and I think some of these artists make music for the money, fame and glamour more than the love of it. I notice mainstream music is about relationships, getting drunk in the club, sex, partying etc, and while I think it is quite shallow, it's popular because people like to listen to this kind of stuff with those kind of themes. Music which touches depression, feeling trapped and angry at this world, life being beautiful and painful, having the hope to go on, social injustice...it's all things I enjoy listening to. It has substance. It is life, and that kind of music is a companion along the way. I get annoyed when some mainstream artists are put on a pedestal for their music when it's crap. What about Underoath, Have Heart and Ascend The Hill, which gives their all and burns all their passion for the love of music? I feel like sometimes bands like these don't get the recognition they deserve.

I know not all mainstream music is like what I described and I have nothing against people who listen to it. I used to be a hardout mainstream listener, but I started widening my music horizon and started to listen to indie rock, post rock, hardcore and acoustic. I still listen to mainstream music when I want a bit of fun, but it is definitely not my first choice.

Your earliest memory.

It would have to be a party when I was a child. I think it was my birthday, but I remember looking up at my mum putting on her lipstick in the bathroom. I remember her putting some on me too. It was a nice party. I got a plastic, girly tea set and a Shortland Street hangbag haha. That would be it.

Survey #1840

200. My middle name is:
Well, I don't have a middle name but my my original name is 'Chum Heung.'

199. I was born on:
14 October 1992.

198. I am really:
HUNGRY!

197. My cell phone company is:
Vodafone mate.

196. My eye color is:
Dark brown.

194. My ring size is:
No idea! Around small/medium though.

193. My height is:
5'0 haha, I'm a shorty.

192. I am allergic to:
Not much. If I eat seafood too much I get rashes, and if there is a lot of dust I find it hard to breathe.

191. I was born in:
Pusan, South Korea, in a refugee camp.

190. I live in:
Auckland, New Zealand.

189. The last book I read:
I'm currently reading a book called Soul Mountain. I got it at Hong Kong airport to remind me of China, because it's about the Chinese revolution and the current society and environment today. It makes me nostalgic.

188. My bed is:
Very soft, like a water bed. Linda and her boyfriend loves it! She comes over just to sleep on it sometimes.

187: One thing you hate about yourself:
I don't like my eczema. I get really self-conscious about it sometimes.

179. My favorite Holiday is:
Christmas! I don't like the day very much but I love the weeks leading up to it. Food, presents, Christmas movies! Love it.

178. The perfect kiss is:
Soft and sensual! I don't like it when boys try to eat me up.

177. The last three cd's I bought are:
Wow, I havn't brought CDs in ages! It would probably be Underoath's 'Lost in the Sound of Seperation', Ramones' 'Greatest Hits' and probably The Cribs. I don't know, it's been a while. I've got my eye on The Strokes' new album.

176. Last song that made me cry was:
Hmm. Probably 'Face Up' by Lights. It's a song I can really relate to at the moment and makes me nostalgic.

170. What did you do last night?
I went to dinner with Linda! We went to Nandos then Momo Tea. Then I went to Ling's house to catch up and get a laptop charger.

YES OR NO / I BELIEVE IN:
142. Love at first sight?
Definitely not.

141. Luck?
Nope. I believe it's all about being blessed.

140. Fate?
In a way. I believe that everything happens for a reason under God's will.

139. Yourself?
I do sometimes, other times I feel like I don't.

138. Aliens?
No!

137. Heaven?
For sure.

136. Hell?
Yup.

135. Ghosts?
I believe in spirits but not ghosts.

134. Horoscopes?
No, I don't. However I still read them and it's pretty accurate sometimes!

133. Soulmates?
Um...yep.

WHICH IS BETTER?
129. Hugs or Kisses?
I love kissing!

128. Drunk or high?
Drunk and high haha.

127. Phone or online?
Phone.

126. Red heads or black hair?
Black hair for sure.

125. Blondes or brunettes?
Definitely brunette.

124. Hot or cold?
I love the cold. I don't like warm weather very much.

123. Summer or winter?
WINTER.

121. Chocolate or vanilla?
Oh hard one. Depends on what I am eating, but I like both.

120. Night or day?
I'm a night owl.

119. Oranges or apples?
Apples! But I actually don't like neither very much.

118. Curly or straight hair?
Au naturale.

WHAT I THINK ABOUT:
116. Abortion.
I think it's fine in a certain context. I understand people say it is murder and it is something God does not approve of, but at the same time, you have to think about yourself too. If someone just got out of school and fell pregnant, had no job and no money, no partner to support them, no family, it just wouldn't work. How would they be able to support and child and raise them up well if they can't even support themselves? It's hard.

115. Backstabbers.
I hate it! I can't stand it. But I am guilty of it too.

114. Parents.
My mum's alrite. She stresses out and gets angry at me for 90% of the time, but I can understand why. My dad I can't call a father. I am not close with my parents in general.

LAST TIME I:
103. Went out of town:
A few months ago when I went to China.

102. Had food:
Around an hour ago, and I'm already hungry haha.

101. Saw someone I haven't seen in a while:
Ling! Last night.

100. Cried in front of someone:
I don't cry in front of people alot. I can't remember to be honest.

MISCELLANEOUS:
90. Who is the most ditsy person you know?
Haha it would have to be Felicity. That girl cracks me up.

89. Who makes you laugh the most?
Oh man that's really hard! I have a few people who make me laugh lots. Jack, Linda, Jayesh, the hoes, Bruce Haycock...

87.The last movie I watched was:
Rio with my sister =)

82. What I don't understand is:
How people can be so cruel. Boys. God's love.

75. Something I will really miss when I leave home:
My room because it's where I love to relax and be by myself. Home cooked meals! And Sarah, definitely.

74. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most is:
University next year! And travelling.

74. The thing that I'm not looking forward to is:
Life in general. Every morning I wake up, I don't know who I'm living for. I just exist.

73. Tomorrow:
I am hopefully getting coffee with Kate and going on a photo adventure with Matthew.

72. Today:
I am going to sleep, eat and just chill out. I'm taking a break from going out so much!

71. Next summer:
I will hopefully be overseas away from everyone, or if not, spending it with my best friends at a beach.

70. Next week:
I don't know. Relax! Think of what to do in my life next.

67. People call me:
Jen. Chang. Sweetpea.

66. Do you have any regrets?
Right now, yes :(

65. What are you afraid of?
Losing someone I love. I'm also really scared of my depression because it makes me content with doing nothing with my life. It's making me lazy and sad about the world. I'm afraid of tearing down the walls around my heart. I'm afraid of going down the wrong path in life.

64. Who do you miss?
Jayesh, definitely! Also Jack and Luke and Caleb and Bianca :(

63. Are you happy?
No.

62. The person who knows the most about me is:
Anja Bornman, my best friend. She amazes me constantly.

60. The most difficult thing to do is:
Pick yourself up from getting hurt and move on. It's difficult to be happy in this world. It's difficult to not give a crap when you do so much.

59. Have gotten a speeding ticket?
Nope, I get away with it ;)

56. My zodiac sign is
Libra yo.

55. The first person I talked to today was:
Sarah. I told her to get up for school haha.

54. First time you had a crush:
In primary, year 5!

53. The one person I can't hide things from
Hmm. I do a good job of hiding things when I want to. But with Anja, I don't want to hide things. I want to tell her everything.

52. Last time someone said something that you were thinking:
Just on Sunday a few days ago.

50. What is your dream job?
To be a music and photo journalist for travel and musicians! To be a writer aswell. To also run a small mission organisation on the side. Most of all, to get paid for travelling around the world.

49. First job?
It would be at Simggle as a Christmas Casual. I liked it alot actually.

48. I have/will get a job at?
Somewhere just sitting down typing things up and organizing things would be alrite. Or maybe waitressing at a bar.

47. I have this pet:
None.

46. I hope:
I will get better, inside and outside. I feel and look sick. I hope my heart will heal again. I hope God will answer me. I hope I will feel happy again.

45. The worst sound in the world:
Someone crying in pain. It hurts me, even if I don't know them.

44. The person(s) that makes me cry the most is:
Boys make me cry in anger! Haha. But really, I make myself cry the most.

35. Florida or Hawaii:
Ohh. Both please? Florida cause my favourite band Underoath originated there. Hawaii because of the culture and beaches.

33. My favorite piece of clothing is:
I don't have one. Hm but I'm wearing this crochet top lots at the moment.

32. My favorite sport is:
I don't like sports, but when I played hockey when I was younger I quite liked it!

31. Last time I cried:
In the car while I was driving on Sunday night. Lucky no one was on the road at 2am because I was not concentrating on the road!

30. My friends are:
So beautiful, so supportive, so fun, so hilarious.

29. My computer is:
Compaq, but it's been dead for a while now.

27. Last person I got mad at:
My sister Sarah, for a really stupid reason.

22. The all-time best movie is:
LORDS OF DOGTOWN! I can watch it over and over again and not get sick of it. I love everything about it. Plus, the skaters are so hot.

21. The all-time best thing in the world is:
Laughing, music, being on a plane to a new country.

18. The most annoying person you know is:
Daniel, my brother haha.

17. I lose all respect for:

Men who hit women! I absolutely hate that! Also, men who swear at girls. People who are insensitive. People who are immature, like really immature. People who only care about themselves and sink in their vanity. Oh goodness, I lose respect for people who do alot of things. I could go on.

16. The movies I have cried at are:
Not alot actually. La Vie en Rose was so emotional, I love that movie. Also, The Notebook and The Invisible Children movie.

13. Favorite web site:
Facebook! Tumblr. Also Lifelounge!

12. I want to be:
Happy.

11. The worst pain I was ever in was/is?
Physically, probably when my skin was really bad and it hurt to have a shower or move. Emotionally, during my deep depression a while back. I wanted to die.

10. My favorite phrase is:
You only live once!

09. My room is:

A pool table room turned my bedroom. 70's like, pretty tidy at the moment, relaxing, comfortable.

08. My favorite celebrity is:
Natalie Portman because she is beautiful and intelligent. I also recently realized how amazing Beyonce is! She is a strong, independent, curvy woman who is not afraid to be herself and chase after her dreams. She inspires me.

05. My weakness is:
Crushes when I have them. Italian! Sushi! Food in general haha.

04. What I like about the opposite sex:
I hate them pretty much haha. I don't like their egos and how they are confusing. I don't like anything!

03. Who broke your heart:
This boy broke my heart recently.

02. One thing that makes you feel great:
When I am listening to music or at a gig. I feel alive. When someone calls me beautiful.

01. You filled out all of these questions because:
I'm bored of course!