You will shelter me, my love
And I will shelter you.
And I will shelter you.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
"I don't want to let go, but my hands are hurting to hold the rope."
Someone once asked me if I was happy. I told that person that I wasn't yet. And he said to me that sometimes he felt a burden for me, as if I wasn't happy or that I'd had a hard life.
I am on my knees and the world is on my back, weighing me down and trying to break me and crush me and tell me that my life is not worth it anymore. The weight feels like it's growing heavier every day, and I fear that the pressure will be too much to handle for me to want to go on living anymore.
The love I have given with all my heart, mind and strength has gone to waste. It hurts more than anyone knows. I am still in love, but he is with another girl. The routine of my everyday work life is slowly ridding me of my joy and my health has been getting worse. My family life has never been easy, and sometimes I wonder where the hope is in mine and if there will ever be one. I am like a puzzle that will never fit into the world. I will never fit into the party, drinking and one-night-stand lifestyle, and I cannot seem to fit in with the Christian lifestyle either. I am lost and belonging to nowhere. I call to God but he's not there. It seems like everyone is moving on, and I am here, still and hurting. There must be something wrong with me, I believe firmly, if every man in my life has treated me like dirt and walked all over me. There's an ugly constant comparison issue I struggle with everyday because life has proven to me that I am not worthy of a man's respect.
Lately, I have been thinking of dark and suicidal thoughts - how I can do it, what I should leave behind and when I can finally end this pain in my heart. When I think about this, my eyes start to well up with tears as it is doing now. I wake up into a misery sometimes and my mind floods with thoughts and questions... What really is there to live for? This pain is too much. This past is too much. The future is too much. Why do I have to keep on living, only to endure people hurting me more and living in regret and sadness? The pain could end if I choose to. I want to be rid of this world, this dark and hurting world. I want to be gone from people and never see another face again or know another heart again because of fear. I'm sick of people whose lives are so small and revolve around things that are completely meaningless, whose lives are revolved around greed and jealousy and materialism. I hate people who aren't aware of the world's problems and chooses to ignore it. I hate the status quo and how I am sucked into it. I hate who I have become. There is some kind of light on the other side, but it is too hard for me to carry on toward it. If I give up... well, it would be so easy, wouldn't it?
I am so tired. Inwardly, I am struggling to be alive. Outwardly, I am struggling to keep my back straight and my face happy. I want to break down everywhere I am and I keep myself strong, only just. But why do I carry on?
I am on my knees and the world is on my back, weighing me down and trying to break me and crush me and tell me that my life is not worth it anymore. The weight feels like it's growing heavier every day, and I fear that the pressure will be too much to handle for me to want to go on living anymore.
The love I have given with all my heart, mind and strength has gone to waste. It hurts more than anyone knows. I am still in love, but he is with another girl. The routine of my everyday work life is slowly ridding me of my joy and my health has been getting worse. My family life has never been easy, and sometimes I wonder where the hope is in mine and if there will ever be one. I am like a puzzle that will never fit into the world. I will never fit into the party, drinking and one-night-stand lifestyle, and I cannot seem to fit in with the Christian lifestyle either. I am lost and belonging to nowhere. I call to God but he's not there. It seems like everyone is moving on, and I am here, still and hurting. There must be something wrong with me, I believe firmly, if every man in my life has treated me like dirt and walked all over me. There's an ugly constant comparison issue I struggle with everyday because life has proven to me that I am not worthy of a man's respect.
Lately, I have been thinking of dark and suicidal thoughts - how I can do it, what I should leave behind and when I can finally end this pain in my heart. When I think about this, my eyes start to well up with tears as it is doing now. I wake up into a misery sometimes and my mind floods with thoughts and questions... What really is there to live for? This pain is too much. This past is too much. The future is too much. Why do I have to keep on living, only to endure people hurting me more and living in regret and sadness? The pain could end if I choose to. I want to be rid of this world, this dark and hurting world. I want to be gone from people and never see another face again or know another heart again because of fear. I'm sick of people whose lives are so small and revolve around things that are completely meaningless, whose lives are revolved around greed and jealousy and materialism. I hate people who aren't aware of the world's problems and chooses to ignore it. I hate the status quo and how I am sucked into it. I hate who I have become. There is some kind of light on the other side, but it is too hard for me to carry on toward it. If I give up... well, it would be so easy, wouldn't it?
I am so tired. Inwardly, I am struggling to be alive. Outwardly, I am struggling to keep my back straight and my face happy. I want to break down everywhere I am and I keep myself strong, only just. But why do I carry on?
Friday, December 7, 2012
Miles away.
Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into
zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the
ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your
children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops
out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and
replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no
delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends
because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because
you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no
energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic
and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge.
You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will
get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal
with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the
isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and
back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the
grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of
depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.
It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.
I stumbled upon this quote on a blog which touched my heart as it is everything that I know and feel about depression... it's funny because this blog was by someone that had hurt and scarred me on another level of pain. I don't know why I decided to go to his blog again, probably because I wanted to read again a poem I know he wrote about me 2 years ago. In it he mentions that I was nothing to him, that I was reaching out for something more and he could see straight through me. I can't say that reading it again didn't hurt me. It brought back the pain that he inflicted on me, a pain that I don't think will ever really heal or which I can ever forgive. And from this infliction came one of the most darkest times of my life, if not the most darkest time in my life. I built the walls around my heart so damn high and sought to never give myself away to a man like that again, for fear of causing my heart utter pain. But when I met another man, who when I first met brought down every wall around my heart without even trying, I was afraid. I had never fallen in love with someone so quickly before, and I ran away. Almost more than a year later, here I am, in the same place as I was when I met the former - depressed, utterly heartbroken and betrayed. But, my gosh, were they 2 wonderful and amazing men, particularly the latter. A part of me believes I will never find another man like the him again. In my experience, when I meet other men, I come away feeling disappointed. I'd rather not love again until someone comes along that can exceed what I was given by him... and right now it just seems impossible.
Currently listening to: Coldplay - Speed of Sound
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Boxer Muhammad Ali’s Advice To His Daughter
An incident transpired when Muhammad Ali’s daughters arrived at his
home wearing clothes that were quite revealing. Here is the story as
told by one of his daughters: “When we finally arrived, the chauffeur
escorted my younger sister, Laila, and me up to my father’s suite. As
usual, he was hiding behind the door waiting to scare us. We exchanged
many hugs and kisses as we could possibly give in one day.
My father took a good look at us. Then he sat me down on his lap and said something that I will never forget. He looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Hana, everything that God made valuable in the world is covered and hard to get to. Where do you find diamonds? Deep down in the ground, covered and protected. Where do you find pearls? Deep down at the bottom of the ocean, covered up and protected in a beautiful shell. Where do you find gold? Way down in the mine, covered over with layers and layers of rock. You’ve got to work hard to get to them.” He looked at me with serious eyes. “Your body is sacred. You’re far more precious than diamonds and pearls, and you should be covered too.”
Currently listening to: Radiohead - Lotus Flower (Jacques Green remix)
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Proust questionnaire.
What are you thinking of right now?
If I am completely honest, this one person that has never left my mind for 3 months.
What makes you laugh?
Alot of things! When people accidentally say funny things, Friends TV show, The Office, Parks and Recreation.
What makes you cry?
When watching poverty, injustice and heartbreaking difficulties people go through.
What do you consider to be the greatest invention?
Music.
Do you have a mentor or inspirational figure that has guided or influenced you?
My best friend Anja inspires me all the time.
Where do you feel most at home?
When I am in my room, listening to music, reading the Bible or reading other books and watching DVDs in bed.
Where are you right now?
In my room, sitting on the floor in my underwear.
What is your proudest achievement in work?
Sounds cheesy, but being able to help people discover new music or being able to help them find a CD.
What is your proudest achievement in life?
Raising money for abused children in Thailand with a friend of mine.
What do you most dislike about contemporary culture?
The breakdown of Biblical tradition, such as marriage.
What do you most like about the age we live in?
Communication - we are more aware of what is out there in the world and have more oppotunities to make a difference in the world.
At what points do life and work intersect?
I sometimes bring my personal life into work, or sometimes something dramatic happens at work like it is now and I have to deal with it in my personal time.
What’s the best advice you’ve been given?
Love always.
What is the biggest risk you’ve ever taken?
Knowing that if I did something my family and some of my friends would not approve of, and doing it anyway.
Recommend a book or poem that has changed your perspective on life?
Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller or Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.
What is your earliest childhood memory?
My mum standing in the mirror putting lipstick on, then looking down and putting it on me.
What’s the most important relationship in your life?
Mostly, my relationship with God, my sister and my two best friends.
What’s the most romantic action you’ve taken?
Flew down to see someone I liked alot.
What’s the most spiritual action you’ve taken?
Giving my heart to God.
If you could wish for one change in the world what would it be?
Sounds cliche, but no poverty.
If I am completely honest, this one person that has never left my mind for 3 months.
What makes you laugh?
Alot of things! When people accidentally say funny things, Friends TV show, The Office, Parks and Recreation.
What makes you cry?
When watching poverty, injustice and heartbreaking difficulties people go through.
What do you consider to be the greatest invention?
Music.
Do you have a mentor or inspirational figure that has guided or influenced you?
My best friend Anja inspires me all the time.
Where do you feel most at home?
When I am in my room, listening to music, reading the Bible or reading other books and watching DVDs in bed.
Where are you right now?
In my room, sitting on the floor in my underwear.
What is your proudest achievement in work?
Sounds cheesy, but being able to help people discover new music or being able to help them find a CD.
What is your proudest achievement in life?
Raising money for abused children in Thailand with a friend of mine.
What do you most dislike about contemporary culture?
The breakdown of Biblical tradition, such as marriage.
What do you most like about the age we live in?
Communication - we are more aware of what is out there in the world and have more oppotunities to make a difference in the world.
At what points do life and work intersect?
I sometimes bring my personal life into work, or sometimes something dramatic happens at work like it is now and I have to deal with it in my personal time.
What’s the best advice you’ve been given?
Love always.
What is the biggest risk you’ve ever taken?
Knowing that if I did something my family and some of my friends would not approve of, and doing it anyway.
Recommend a book or poem that has changed your perspective on life?
Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller or Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers.
What is your earliest childhood memory?
My mum standing in the mirror putting lipstick on, then looking down and putting it on me.
What’s the most important relationship in your life?
Mostly, my relationship with God, my sister and my two best friends.
What’s the most romantic action you’ve taken?
Flew down to see someone I liked alot.
What’s the most spiritual action you’ve taken?
Giving my heart to God.
If you could wish for one change in the world what would it be?
Sounds cliche, but no poverty.
Currently listening to: Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - Home
Monday, November 5, 2012
Tears.
Someone once said to me that there is a set amount of tears that you can only cry for each boy that breaks your heart. If that's true, then I still have an ocean of tears to go for you.
Currently listening to: Rihanna - P.S. I'm Still Not Over You
Friday, November 2, 2012
Call to arms.
A few days ago, my mum woke up me from bed. She usually never does this, but this particular morning she lay down next to me and told me that a family friend of ours was going to a funeral today for a woman around 24 years of age who committed suicide. She asked - herself or God or me or even the wind - 'Why?' I mumbled, still half asleep, 'Because sometimes, they don't have God.'
Later that day, I found it peculiar that my mum woke me up to tell me that. I have been going through another slip into depression again and for the first time in a very long time, I felt suicidal indeed. It's funny how mum's just know. I thought of ways to do it silently and without commotion to end this seemingly never-ending pain. Health, finance, family, heartbreak and confusion about where I am and why I wake up every morning took a massive toll on me and finally I admitted to myself with fear that I am at the very bottom of my life. That night where I completely broke down, crying to myself in agony in my bed, suicide filled my mind. But then I thought of my loved ones - my little sister Sarah, my best friends Ling and Anja and my mother, all who love me and all who I can't bear to inflict this pain on. I thought to myself that if I committed suicide, it would be selfish. It doesn't end the pain, as one quote says, it inflicts it onto others.
This morning, my mum came up into my room again and showed me a picture of the girl who had committed suicide. She was very pretty, and my mum told me she was smart too. She had a family who loved her and a young son. The father and her separated last year. My mum began going on, asking again to whoever and whatever was present, 'Why? It's so sad.' She said when you feel like you can't go on anymore, and that you can't even step over a line because you're on your knees, ask God to bring you over and see what He does. In my mind, when you ask God to do that, he's not beckoning you or trying to push you over. He's carrying you.
She went to say that Christians and non-Christians all face the same problems and that just because we have accepted God in our lives doesn't mean we are exempt from the trials of life. We all struggle and most go through depression, even greats from the Bible did. However, the way each of us can handle it is by our choices. Without God, I may not be able to handle the pain and think that suicide is the only way out. But with God, I can ask Him to give me the strength to carry on, and if need be, carry me over.
I remarked to my mum how funny it is that New Zealand has the complete freedom to preach the gospel, but how we have the highest youth suicide in the world. I'm not saying that it is Christianity's problem, but what is? Is it because we have not enough youth help lines? Is it because our message of love and hope aren't stressed enough? Is it because our youth culture places importance more on sex, drinking and drugs than on accepting each other for who they are?
As I looked at her picture, tears and sadness began to well up in me. It was just what it was - sad. I have been on the verge of killing myself, and if it weren't for the people who loved me so much, I wouldn't even be here today. It makes me think again that we can do a lot in someone's life just by saying some kind or encouraging words, because you never know what struggles someone is facing behind closed doors or in the secret of their heart. As people, we have this honorable responsibility to lift each other, love each other, pray for each other, listen to each other and cry with each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. We are all on a stormy journey, and we all need one another. We must rise to this agonizing problem in our countries and take a stand for life.
Seeing the blue sky outside, I am grateful for life despite my numerous burdens. I am grateful that I have been given this life, not by any means to endure, but to enjoy. If you are going through the same thing, remember that your life is so precious and valued, and if you don't think by anyone, by God. Sounds cliche right, but you came into the world just to be loved and with hopes that you will reflect that love back into the world, the way only you can. Your life is beautiful, and so are you. Live your life with love and joy and reflect your light - because it could just pull someone back from death.
Later that day, I found it peculiar that my mum woke me up to tell me that. I have been going through another slip into depression again and for the first time in a very long time, I felt suicidal indeed. It's funny how mum's just know. I thought of ways to do it silently and without commotion to end this seemingly never-ending pain. Health, finance, family, heartbreak and confusion about where I am and why I wake up every morning took a massive toll on me and finally I admitted to myself with fear that I am at the very bottom of my life. That night where I completely broke down, crying to myself in agony in my bed, suicide filled my mind. But then I thought of my loved ones - my little sister Sarah, my best friends Ling and Anja and my mother, all who love me and all who I can't bear to inflict this pain on. I thought to myself that if I committed suicide, it would be selfish. It doesn't end the pain, as one quote says, it inflicts it onto others.
This morning, my mum came up into my room again and showed me a picture of the girl who had committed suicide. She was very pretty, and my mum told me she was smart too. She had a family who loved her and a young son. The father and her separated last year. My mum began going on, asking again to whoever and whatever was present, 'Why? It's so sad.' She said when you feel like you can't go on anymore, and that you can't even step over a line because you're on your knees, ask God to bring you over and see what He does. In my mind, when you ask God to do that, he's not beckoning you or trying to push you over. He's carrying you.
She went to say that Christians and non-Christians all face the same problems and that just because we have accepted God in our lives doesn't mean we are exempt from the trials of life. We all struggle and most go through depression, even greats from the Bible did. However, the way each of us can handle it is by our choices. Without God, I may not be able to handle the pain and think that suicide is the only way out. But with God, I can ask Him to give me the strength to carry on, and if need be, carry me over.
I remarked to my mum how funny it is that New Zealand has the complete freedom to preach the gospel, but how we have the highest youth suicide in the world. I'm not saying that it is Christianity's problem, but what is? Is it because we have not enough youth help lines? Is it because our message of love and hope aren't stressed enough? Is it because our youth culture places importance more on sex, drinking and drugs than on accepting each other for who they are?
As I looked at her picture, tears and sadness began to well up in me. It was just what it was - sad. I have been on the verge of killing myself, and if it weren't for the people who loved me so much, I wouldn't even be here today. It makes me think again that we can do a lot in someone's life just by saying some kind or encouraging words, because you never know what struggles someone is facing behind closed doors or in the secret of their heart. As people, we have this honorable responsibility to lift each other, love each other, pray for each other, listen to each other and cry with each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. We are all on a stormy journey, and we all need one another. We must rise to this agonizing problem in our countries and take a stand for life.
Seeing the blue sky outside, I am grateful for life despite my numerous burdens. I am grateful that I have been given this life, not by any means to endure, but to enjoy. If you are going through the same thing, remember that your life is so precious and valued, and if you don't think by anyone, by God. Sounds cliche right, but you came into the world just to be loved and with hopes that you will reflect that love back into the world, the way only you can. Your life is beautiful, and so are you. Live your life with love and joy and reflect your light - because it could just pull someone back from death.
Currently listening to: Ascend the Hill - Wind of God
Saturday, October 20, 2012
These eyes...
I hate you, honestly, how I hate you. You make my blood boil and stomach churn. Sometimes you make me so angry and upset that I hyperventilate and shake all over. You make me sick, you make me want to push you so hard that you fall. I can't even look at you sometimes and when you touch me I shudder. I wish so many bad things on you, and I have never done that to someone before. You are scum and I hate you.
But God, how I miss you.
Currently listening to: India Arie - These Eyes
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
The band that changed my life.
I woke up this morning to find out that my favourite band Underoath have decided to disband and are doing a farewell tour the very next week. My first thoughts were disbelief, because they have been together for 15 years and is one of the very few bands that actually means something to me. They quite literally saved my life and changed me for the better.
When I was 14, I was battling with something very internal that no one knew about except my best friend. I was struggling with depression from the physical, mental and sexual abuse that had happened to me as a child and were still happening. Because I was raised in a religious Christian home and environment, I thought that it was abnormal for me to be feeling like this. I shut out the world, and I remember days when I would close my curtains shut, sleep and never want to wake up. I remember this time, after I had been out with friends, I came home and bent down and all fours and started crying for no apparent reason. I just wanted to go Home.
Those days in the dark when I felt like there was no hope left, when I felt extremely suicidal, when I felt so alone and when I was distant from God, Underoath was my consolation. Their album 'Define The Great Line' guided me back into the light in my depression and helped me cling onto that thin thread of hope with all my might even when I felt all was lost. Underoath's music made me believe that I could make it through this battle and win. Their music made me believe there was still beauty in life. Their music made me believe that what I was feeling didn't isolate me, it made me human. Most of all, Underoath made me believe that there was still hope and that you gotta fight through the bad times to get to the good. As a 14 year old, for music to say, 'You are not alone' had the biggest impact on me. Not only did they help me through depression (from which I am now healed from!), they opened up for me the world of hardcore and metalcore music. Underoath helped build my love for music for which I am ever thankful.
So, they weren't just a band to me, a band that didn't mean anything or had little impact. They saved me, gave me hope in the darkest time of my life, led me back to God and ultimately began the healing in my heart. I am so grateful that I got to see them twice (they are mind blowing live) and even got to meet them. You have no idea how hysterical and excited I was to meet them! I started hyperventilating and I blubbered to each of the band members, half in excitement and half in tears, telling them how they saved me and gushing the 'I am your biggest fan' line.
I am not going to cry and be sad that Underoath's time is over - I am going to smile because I was blessed to know them and become just one of the millions of fans impacted and changed forever by their music.
When I was 14, I was battling with something very internal that no one knew about except my best friend. I was struggling with depression from the physical, mental and sexual abuse that had happened to me as a child and were still happening. Because I was raised in a religious Christian home and environment, I thought that it was abnormal for me to be feeling like this. I shut out the world, and I remember days when I would close my curtains shut, sleep and never want to wake up. I remember this time, after I had been out with friends, I came home and bent down and all fours and started crying for no apparent reason. I just wanted to go Home.
Those days in the dark when I felt like there was no hope left, when I felt extremely suicidal, when I felt so alone and when I was distant from God, Underoath was my consolation. Their album 'Define The Great Line' guided me back into the light in my depression and helped me cling onto that thin thread of hope with all my might even when I felt all was lost. Underoath's music made me believe that I could make it through this battle and win. Their music made me believe there was still beauty in life. Their music made me believe that what I was feeling didn't isolate me, it made me human. Most of all, Underoath made me believe that there was still hope and that you gotta fight through the bad times to get to the good. As a 14 year old, for music to say, 'You are not alone' had the biggest impact on me. Not only did they help me through depression (from which I am now healed from!), they opened up for me the world of hardcore and metalcore music. Underoath helped build my love for music for which I am ever thankful.
So, they weren't just a band to me, a band that didn't mean anything or had little impact. They saved me, gave me hope in the darkest time of my life, led me back to God and ultimately began the healing in my heart. I am so grateful that I got to see them twice (they are mind blowing live) and even got to meet them. You have no idea how hysterical and excited I was to meet them! I started hyperventilating and I blubbered to each of the band members, half in excitement and half in tears, telling them how they saved me and gushing the 'I am your biggest fan' line.
I am not going to cry and be sad that Underoath's time is over - I am going to smile because I was blessed to know them and become just one of the millions of fans impacted and changed forever by their music.
Friday, September 28, 2012
I'm not lucky, I'm blessed.
Tonite I watched a documentary on China called 'Discovery Atlas: China Revealed.' It followed people from different walks in life in the new, modern China where communism is out and capitalism is in. I don't think a video has pulled so many emotions in me. One minute I am outraged, the next I am crying with laughter and a sense of nostalgia. I miss that country so much, from the food to the people, to the romantic cities and dirty streets, to the traditions and fashion. A few things especially pulled at my heartstrings, and here are my thoughts and ramblings that were inspired by the video.
I am incredibly, incredibly proud to be Chinese. Having been there twice and experienced the culture, as well as having a lot of family there, I have gained so much wisdom and gratefulness. I haven't been to China and experienced the wonderful country as a rich person. Instead, I experienced China more so like a poor to middle class person and it gave me life lessons that I will never forget. Most of my family in China live in shanty villages or tiny apartments only a little more bigger than my room, but they are more than generous and define the word resourceful. They treated me with incredible hospitality and were just happy, fun-loving people. My aunt and uncle in particular are people I really look up to. They don't have much, only a small one bedroom apartment, but they are some of the funniest people I know. They really know how to joke and make everything amusing, and they treated me like a princess when I was there by myself. I also have family in Vietnam, and this one time years ago, my family and I went to visit them. They lived as peasants on a farm and because they were so poor, my mum cried. It broke my heart to see that, but it also opened my eyes at the same time. There's a secret to happiness that they have found that so many westerners have not. My relatives are poor and do not have much, but what they do that we do different is that they put family above everything else. They find fulfillment in hospitality and helping each other. Westerners are out there to gain independent success, gain material wealth, add more 0's to their paycheck, drive the fanciest cars and wear the fanciest clothes. Isn't it funny that people who have everything are depressed and suicidal, whereas people who have nothing but have found meaning in family are the happiest people on the planet? There's something to it that I will never forget, but it's something that I have to remind myself everyday. It's like I am pushing against waves and waves of what is the materialistic and shallow culture that we live in today. I have to remind myself that things do not matter, for they are just temporary, breakable, perishable. People matter, all the time, because what you invest into them will reap eternal rewards and what they invest into you will grow for a lifetime.
One man in the documentary moved from his countryside village to the big city that is Shanghai to earn more money to support his family as a window cleaner. He sacrificed seeing his baby daughter grow up so he could help his family and father and give them money. He said that one day he wants to be able to buy and drive his own car one day, and then he'd know he'd made it. It made me sad to hear that, because he already had happiness - he just didn't realize it yet. At the same time, I was washed with gratefulness. I am so blessed and thankful that my mum has a stable job and makes money to support my whole family without having to move away or miss my childhood. I am grateful that we have 4 cars and had the money to afford it. I am grateful.
A 12 year old girl in the documentary was in hopes for training for the upcoming Beijing Olympics, but first had to make it onto the team. She trained since she was 2 years old just to be selected for the Olympic team, the dream to represent her country and win the gold pushing her to a staggering dedication and commitment level I hardly see here. Her family didn't know if this was the right thing, but her father pushed her and pushed her to continue the hard work in hopes that she will one day be an Olympic champion. It was cringing to see blisters covering her entire palms, the pain in her face and look of disappointment when her coach and father did not encourage her, but put her down when she didn't do her best. I am so blessed and thankful that my parents do not push me into a certain career, but let me make my own decisions about my life as long as I'm happy. I'm grateful that I had a childhood growing up and that I live in a country where I have the freedom to make choices and where I have opportunities to succeed in life. I am grateful that I have been encouraged and nourished in my life by beautiful people and that when I failed, they picked me up again. I am grateful that I did not have a nation's hope on my shoulders... but that people didn't expect so much from me at just 12 years old.
One woman in the documentary was a police officer and helped stopped drug trafficking. When the drug smugglers were caught, the penalty was a death sentence. She was successful in her career, however, her mother worried for her as she was single because no man could understand her dedication to her career, and also because she was scared that it was the wrong career choice for her. I am grateful that here, drug smuggling does not mean a death penalty... I am grateful that we have second chances here, but I am heartbroken that it isn't the same way in China. I am grateful that I have people supportive of my dreams. I am grateful that I am young and still have a long way to go in finding a husband who will cherish, love and respect me and my career choice.
Another woman lives in Shanghai. Her job is competitive, and the culture there is that the more beautiful you are, the better your career will go. For example, if there was a choice between two women for a job and they both had the same qualifications, the better looking one would get the job. This woman decides to get plastic surgery so she would be more successful in her job. It stunned me. I am grateful, so grateful that God and people around me have put the idea in me that looks do not get you everywhere, but hard work, dedication and commitment can. I am grateful that I have a hardworking mother to look up to who has taught me that steady hands can mean success. I am grateful that I do not have to get plastic surgery to succeed in life. I am heartbroken that any woman would think that altering the beautiful person she naturally is would help her get around in life. I agree that it helps, but it is not important and by no means worth going through surgery for.
In China, there is still unfairness, harshness and moral deficiency, and all countries do have that to a level, but it seems that China has it one of the worst. It makes me really sad to see what goes on in my country... but at the same time it puts in me a level of gratitude that I have never felt before. I'm not lucky, I'm blessed beyond belief. And that blessing that has been so generously imparted on me is not because I am better than any other person, but it is imparted so that I can too be a blessing. Blessed to be a blessing. Again, I am reminded that I have been given a lot, and what has been given to me, much will be expected. My encouragement to you all is to remind yourselves to be grateful for what you have and who you have around you because people in countries like China do not have it half as good. Everything in your life that is good and beautiful has been imparted by God for you to use it to be a blessing to others. Lastly, let's cherish what we have and enjoy the life and freedom we have been given!
I am incredibly, incredibly proud to be Chinese. Having been there twice and experienced the culture, as well as having a lot of family there, I have gained so much wisdom and gratefulness. I haven't been to China and experienced the wonderful country as a rich person. Instead, I experienced China more so like a poor to middle class person and it gave me life lessons that I will never forget. Most of my family in China live in shanty villages or tiny apartments only a little more bigger than my room, but they are more than generous and define the word resourceful. They treated me with incredible hospitality and were just happy, fun-loving people. My aunt and uncle in particular are people I really look up to. They don't have much, only a small one bedroom apartment, but they are some of the funniest people I know. They really know how to joke and make everything amusing, and they treated me like a princess when I was there by myself. I also have family in Vietnam, and this one time years ago, my family and I went to visit them. They lived as peasants on a farm and because they were so poor, my mum cried. It broke my heart to see that, but it also opened my eyes at the same time. There's a secret to happiness that they have found that so many westerners have not. My relatives are poor and do not have much, but what they do that we do different is that they put family above everything else. They find fulfillment in hospitality and helping each other. Westerners are out there to gain independent success, gain material wealth, add more 0's to their paycheck, drive the fanciest cars and wear the fanciest clothes. Isn't it funny that people who have everything are depressed and suicidal, whereas people who have nothing but have found meaning in family are the happiest people on the planet? There's something to it that I will never forget, but it's something that I have to remind myself everyday. It's like I am pushing against waves and waves of what is the materialistic and shallow culture that we live in today. I have to remind myself that things do not matter, for they are just temporary, breakable, perishable. People matter, all the time, because what you invest into them will reap eternal rewards and what they invest into you will grow for a lifetime.
One man in the documentary moved from his countryside village to the big city that is Shanghai to earn more money to support his family as a window cleaner. He sacrificed seeing his baby daughter grow up so he could help his family and father and give them money. He said that one day he wants to be able to buy and drive his own car one day, and then he'd know he'd made it. It made me sad to hear that, because he already had happiness - he just didn't realize it yet. At the same time, I was washed with gratefulness. I am so blessed and thankful that my mum has a stable job and makes money to support my whole family without having to move away or miss my childhood. I am grateful that we have 4 cars and had the money to afford it. I am grateful.
A 12 year old girl in the documentary was in hopes for training for the upcoming Beijing Olympics, but first had to make it onto the team. She trained since she was 2 years old just to be selected for the Olympic team, the dream to represent her country and win the gold pushing her to a staggering dedication and commitment level I hardly see here. Her family didn't know if this was the right thing, but her father pushed her and pushed her to continue the hard work in hopes that she will one day be an Olympic champion. It was cringing to see blisters covering her entire palms, the pain in her face and look of disappointment when her coach and father did not encourage her, but put her down when she didn't do her best. I am so blessed and thankful that my parents do not push me into a certain career, but let me make my own decisions about my life as long as I'm happy. I'm grateful that I had a childhood growing up and that I live in a country where I have the freedom to make choices and where I have opportunities to succeed in life. I am grateful that I have been encouraged and nourished in my life by beautiful people and that when I failed, they picked me up again. I am grateful that I did not have a nation's hope on my shoulders... but that people didn't expect so much from me at just 12 years old.
One woman in the documentary was a police officer and helped stopped drug trafficking. When the drug smugglers were caught, the penalty was a death sentence. She was successful in her career, however, her mother worried for her as she was single because no man could understand her dedication to her career, and also because she was scared that it was the wrong career choice for her. I am grateful that here, drug smuggling does not mean a death penalty... I am grateful that we have second chances here, but I am heartbroken that it isn't the same way in China. I am grateful that I have people supportive of my dreams. I am grateful that I am young and still have a long way to go in finding a husband who will cherish, love and respect me and my career choice.
Another woman lives in Shanghai. Her job is competitive, and the culture there is that the more beautiful you are, the better your career will go. For example, if there was a choice between two women for a job and they both had the same qualifications, the better looking one would get the job. This woman decides to get plastic surgery so she would be more successful in her job. It stunned me. I am grateful, so grateful that God and people around me have put the idea in me that looks do not get you everywhere, but hard work, dedication and commitment can. I am grateful that I have a hardworking mother to look up to who has taught me that steady hands can mean success. I am grateful that I do not have to get plastic surgery to succeed in life. I am heartbroken that any woman would think that altering the beautiful person she naturally is would help her get around in life. I agree that it helps, but it is not important and by no means worth going through surgery for.
In China, there is still unfairness, harshness and moral deficiency, and all countries do have that to a level, but it seems that China has it one of the worst. It makes me really sad to see what goes on in my country... but at the same time it puts in me a level of gratitude that I have never felt before. I'm not lucky, I'm blessed beyond belief. And that blessing that has been so generously imparted on me is not because I am better than any other person, but it is imparted so that I can too be a blessing. Blessed to be a blessing. Again, I am reminded that I have been given a lot, and what has been given to me, much will be expected. My encouragement to you all is to remind yourselves to be grateful for what you have and who you have around you because people in countries like China do not have it half as good. Everything in your life that is good and beautiful has been imparted by God for you to use it to be a blessing to others. Lastly, let's cherish what we have and enjoy the life and freedom we have been given!
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Currently listening to: Mumford & Sons - Timshel
Friday, September 21, 2012
I thought that things like this get better with time...
It gets harder everyday, but I can't seem to shake the pain
I'm trying to find the words to say, 'Please stay'
I can't function the same when you're not here
I'm calling your name and no one's there
I still can't believe you found somebody new
But I wish you the best, I guess.
Listen to: John Legend - Everybody Knows
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
My eyes don't shed tears but boy they pour when I'm thinking about you.
When I was on the beach with one of my best friends Anja a few days ago, we were talking about my recent heartbreak and I asked her to tell me what to do. She said to me, 'Drive to a place really far that you love and haven't been to in a while. Take a journal, a book, music and just write down everything that happened and everything that you are feeling. Talk to God - be angry at Him if you want, but just talk to Him. And just rest.'
Yesterday, I did just that. I drove to Piha, a really beautiful beach an hour and a half away from my house. It felt really good, driving away from everything and everyone. There was hardly anyone on the beach, and I found a log and sat there and wrote in my journal everything that had happened recently and everything I was feeling. Afterward, I sat there admiring the beauty before me. White horizon, white waves, white sun, all blending seamlessly together before my eyes.
The past 9 months have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I fell in love with a wonderful man, and, hesistant to trust him, I let him chase me for 7 months. I was torn because I knew that this wasn't the man God had for me, he wasn't a Christian and he had a shady past playing girls... but a truth of life, if you really think about it, is that you can't choose who you fall in love with. After being depressed because of letting go of him, I decided to disobey and do what my heart told me to do. I started things with him again, and I flew down to see him and we spent a whole weekend together which was amazing despite arguing with him because he had slept with another girl. I forgave him, and we decided to officially start dating. I came back to Auckland, and all of a sudden, he changed. He didn't talk to me for a week. I tried to Skype with him three times but he didn't show up and left me waiting. And, out of the blue, he told me that his manager offered him to move overseas by the end of the year for a job transfer and he had to decide by that week.
One night after he had stood me up on Skype, I drove to my favorite lookout, upset, confused and heartbroken. My friend had always reminded me that he was sleeping with girls and flirting with them while he liked me, and he had even told her that he liked another girl too. It's funny, because when I see girls in relationships who are in the same situation I am in, I want to tell that girl, 'You deserve so much better than this jerk.' But it's different when you are in that situation because there are feelings involved. There's a level of care for that person that cannot fluctuate, even when that person cheats, lies and abuses you. Watching the glittering lights of the suburbs in my car, I realized that I was jealous and upset that he would go overseas, find another girl and take my heart with him while I was here heartbroken over him. But I never realized that I did have a life after him... there was hope after him. One day, I thought, I am going to find a man who respects me and loves me and will never intend to hurt me. We're going to travel, too, and have dogs and kids and lots of sex (in marriage of course). One thing that the jerk will never have over me is self-respect for cheating on me, and respect for me. At least I respected myself and him enough to be faithful, and I can hold my head high for that, but he can't.
After my epiphany, I decided to end it with him, but I needed closure - I needed to talk to him and get everything out on the table. I messaged him several times with no reply. One night, the floodgates to my heart finally opened and I poured my eyes out for an hour and a half, literally. I cried because the first man I have ever fallen in love with doesn't love me back and is likely to be taking my heart with him overseas this year.
I cried because I felt unloved and undesired.
I cried because he cheated.
I cried because every guy in my life has treated me like crap, and I must've been the problem. If I was pretty enough, smart enough, confident enough, they wouldn't have hurt me like this.
While some of my friends have been supportive of me and given me a lot of encouragement, it is still not easy to uproot beliefs that have been planted since you were born. I realized that the problem was not so much him, but me. I had a problem with myself. I believed that it was my fault he wasn't talking to me and chewed me up and spat me out. I believed that guys fall out in love with me because I am a boring person. I believed that every guy squashed me like a bug because I wasn't beautiful enough. I believed I was cheated on because I just simply wasn't enough. When I told Anja about this, she gave me a stunning analogy. She told me about a girl who had an abusive father, made some bad choices and ended up in prostitution where all males treated her like crap. The girl believed she was unworthy because of this. 'What would you tell her?' Anja asked. I thought a while and said, 'That it's a lie.' She brought it back to my situation, and told me that that prostitute was as worthy for love as any girl was. She told me that men didn't treat me like crap because there was something wrong with me - there was something wrong with them. If a guy constantly goes out, cheats and lies, there is nothing wrong with the girl, but it is his own problem.
Sitting on the log by myself at Piha, I thought about what Anja had said. I told myself that like that girl who was treated like crap by men all her life, she is and I am still beautiful and deserving of love. I told myself that one day, I am going to be with an amazing man and that there is a wonderful life awaiting me ahead of my heartbreak. I told myself it's going to take some time to get over him, and there will be days where I will cry and be depressed and feel like I can't go on, but one step at a time, one foot in front of the other is enough because eventually, if I keep going on on the right path, I'm going to get to a point where I will have healed from the pain. I also talked to God for the first time in weeks, and I wasn't angry at him. I told him I was sorry that I disobeyed him and that I know now that he only had my best interests in heart. I acknowledged that he just wants to be there for me and that we're going to take baby steps back onto the right path again. Driving back home, I felt so much peace and knew that that moment at Piha was a God moment, a good moment. One of the reasons that I know this was because I have never driven to Piha before by myself, and I didn't get lost once, not on the way there or back! Knowing me and my tendency to get lost all the time, this was a miracle, and I knew God was directing my car and looking out for me.
Since then, I have completely blocked all communication from him and I so that we will not be able to contact each other, and while I won't get my closure or know if he is moving or not, I know that this is the best for me. I cannot wait for something that's never going to happen anymore. I may as well start moving on. It is never easy, having someone you fell in love with not like you back, changing into a person you can't be with anymore and having to let them go. Some of the things that have helped me are crying, good friends, my sister, alone time & God time and the music of John Legend in particular. It is the hardest thing I have gone through, but I am learning to embrace this season of pain and heartbreak because I know that there is new life on the other side.
Yesterday, I did just that. I drove to Piha, a really beautiful beach an hour and a half away from my house. It felt really good, driving away from everything and everyone. There was hardly anyone on the beach, and I found a log and sat there and wrote in my journal everything that had happened recently and everything I was feeling. Afterward, I sat there admiring the beauty before me. White horizon, white waves, white sun, all blending seamlessly together before my eyes.
The past 9 months have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I fell in love with a wonderful man, and, hesistant to trust him, I let him chase me for 7 months. I was torn because I knew that this wasn't the man God had for me, he wasn't a Christian and he had a shady past playing girls... but a truth of life, if you really think about it, is that you can't choose who you fall in love with. After being depressed because of letting go of him, I decided to disobey and do what my heart told me to do. I started things with him again, and I flew down to see him and we spent a whole weekend together which was amazing despite arguing with him because he had slept with another girl. I forgave him, and we decided to officially start dating. I came back to Auckland, and all of a sudden, he changed. He didn't talk to me for a week. I tried to Skype with him three times but he didn't show up and left me waiting. And, out of the blue, he told me that his manager offered him to move overseas by the end of the year for a job transfer and he had to decide by that week.
One night after he had stood me up on Skype, I drove to my favorite lookout, upset, confused and heartbroken. My friend had always reminded me that he was sleeping with girls and flirting with them while he liked me, and he had even told her that he liked another girl too. It's funny, because when I see girls in relationships who are in the same situation I am in, I want to tell that girl, 'You deserve so much better than this jerk.' But it's different when you are in that situation because there are feelings involved. There's a level of care for that person that cannot fluctuate, even when that person cheats, lies and abuses you. Watching the glittering lights of the suburbs in my car, I realized that I was jealous and upset that he would go overseas, find another girl and take my heart with him while I was here heartbroken over him. But I never realized that I did have a life after him... there was hope after him. One day, I thought, I am going to find a man who respects me and loves me and will never intend to hurt me. We're going to travel, too, and have dogs and kids and lots of sex (in marriage of course). One thing that the jerk will never have over me is self-respect for cheating on me, and respect for me. At least I respected myself and him enough to be faithful, and I can hold my head high for that, but he can't.
After my epiphany, I decided to end it with him, but I needed closure - I needed to talk to him and get everything out on the table. I messaged him several times with no reply. One night, the floodgates to my heart finally opened and I poured my eyes out for an hour and a half, literally. I cried because the first man I have ever fallen in love with doesn't love me back and is likely to be taking my heart with him overseas this year.
I cried because I felt unloved and undesired.
I cried because he cheated.
I cried because every guy in my life has treated me like crap, and I must've been the problem. If I was pretty enough, smart enough, confident enough, they wouldn't have hurt me like this.
While some of my friends have been supportive of me and given me a lot of encouragement, it is still not easy to uproot beliefs that have been planted since you were born. I realized that the problem was not so much him, but me. I had a problem with myself. I believed that it was my fault he wasn't talking to me and chewed me up and spat me out. I believed that guys fall out in love with me because I am a boring person. I believed that every guy squashed me like a bug because I wasn't beautiful enough. I believed I was cheated on because I just simply wasn't enough. When I told Anja about this, she gave me a stunning analogy. She told me about a girl who had an abusive father, made some bad choices and ended up in prostitution where all males treated her like crap. The girl believed she was unworthy because of this. 'What would you tell her?' Anja asked. I thought a while and said, 'That it's a lie.' She brought it back to my situation, and told me that that prostitute was as worthy for love as any girl was. She told me that men didn't treat me like crap because there was something wrong with me - there was something wrong with them. If a guy constantly goes out, cheats and lies, there is nothing wrong with the girl, but it is his own problem.
Sitting on the log by myself at Piha, I thought about what Anja had said. I told myself that like that girl who was treated like crap by men all her life, she is and I am still beautiful and deserving of love. I told myself that one day, I am going to be with an amazing man and that there is a wonderful life awaiting me ahead of my heartbreak. I told myself it's going to take some time to get over him, and there will be days where I will cry and be depressed and feel like I can't go on, but one step at a time, one foot in front of the other is enough because eventually, if I keep going on on the right path, I'm going to get to a point where I will have healed from the pain. I also talked to God for the first time in weeks, and I wasn't angry at him. I told him I was sorry that I disobeyed him and that I know now that he only had my best interests in heart. I acknowledged that he just wants to be there for me and that we're going to take baby steps back onto the right path again. Driving back home, I felt so much peace and knew that that moment at Piha was a God moment, a good moment. One of the reasons that I know this was because I have never driven to Piha before by myself, and I didn't get lost once, not on the way there or back! Knowing me and my tendency to get lost all the time, this was a miracle, and I knew God was directing my car and looking out for me.
Since then, I have completely blocked all communication from him and I so that we will not be able to contact each other, and while I won't get my closure or know if he is moving or not, I know that this is the best for me. I cannot wait for something that's never going to happen anymore. I may as well start moving on. It is never easy, having someone you fell in love with not like you back, changing into a person you can't be with anymore and having to let them go. Some of the things that have helped me are crying, good friends, my sister, alone time & God time and the music of John Legend in particular. It is the hardest thing I have gone through, but I am learning to embrace this season of pain and heartbreak because I know that there is new life on the other side.
'Today I am moving on. Today I know that life is beautiful and today is my fresh start. Today there is hope."
Listen to: John Legend - Ordinary People
Monday, September 10, 2012
I've got my life in a suitcase, I'm ready to run, run, run away.
I can't believe it has happened again, I can't believe that this has happened to me.
I wish with all of my heart that I had money to buy a ticket to another country and never return. I wish I could drive and drive and drive and until I reach a coastline, and then swim and swim until I stop breathing. I wish I could sleep and never wake up.
Right now, my heart is broken and my hope in love seems lost.
I hate him and I hate this.
Currently listening to: Of Monsters and Men - Yellow Light
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Your loss.
To the douchebag that I was falling in love with:
I thought that you would never treat me like shit, screw another girl or play me, but I realize thanks to a friend who knows your gritty social life that you have done and are doing all those things to me. I haven't heard from you ever since I came back to Auckland. You don't text or call. When we are out you check out other girls. While you were 'chasing' me for 8 months, you screwed a chick who hated me and told one of my best friends that you liked another girl too. You recently slept with a girl two weeks after we ended things... so it makes me wonder how much I actually mean to you.
I can't believe I wasted all my time crying, wondering and worrying if you're going to cheat on me just because you live 600km away. I can't believe I agreed with you when you said that I'll regret losing you. You're all talk and no walk. Smooth words and false acclamations about yourself is all you have to show for yourself after all this time I wasted on you. Thanks for standing me up tonight and making me realize what a f#!ken d*%kbag you are. You made me feel shitty and insecure about myself, but tonight I know that I deserve so, so much more than you. Have fun rolling with 1s & 2s, cause' your 10 is gone ;)
And ladies...
"Respect yourself to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."
I thought that you would never treat me like shit, screw another girl or play me, but I realize thanks to a friend who knows your gritty social life that you have done and are doing all those things to me. I haven't heard from you ever since I came back to Auckland. You don't text or call. When we are out you check out other girls. While you were 'chasing' me for 8 months, you screwed a chick who hated me and told one of my best friends that you liked another girl too. You recently slept with a girl two weeks after we ended things... so it makes me wonder how much I actually mean to you.
I can't believe I wasted all my time crying, wondering and worrying if you're going to cheat on me just because you live 600km away. I can't believe I agreed with you when you said that I'll regret losing you. You're all talk and no walk. Smooth words and false acclamations about yourself is all you have to show for yourself after all this time I wasted on you. Thanks for standing me up tonight and making me realize what a f#!ken d*%kbag you are. You made me feel shitty and insecure about myself, but tonight I know that I deserve so, so much more than you. Have fun rolling with 1s & 2s, cause' your 10 is gone ;)
And ladies...
"Respect yourself to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy."
Friday, September 7, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Don't judge me, because I won't judge you.
Last night while I was out having some food with some friends, a certain aspect of my past was brought up by someone. Even though I told her to not bring it up, I felt like for them it was easier to be amused about it that to realise how much pain and regret I have because of it. I felt their stares at me, and it was not one of graciousness but judgement. Although it didn't bother me then, it bothered me later on that night. Even thinking about my past brings back a sharp pain in my heart and tears in my eyes because I was so out of control, acting out of hurt to fill the void that was left by my childhood. I did things I am ashamed to think about now. God knows how many times I have hooked up with boys, had many drunken nights and did many stupid things, got high and clubbed underage... and my goodness, I am not proud of what I did. I was, and am, a flawed human being. Everyone is. It seems like it's okay to point the finger at someone for the stupid shit they did, but somehow, it's not okay for someone to point out your flaws and your past.
Even though I feel ashamed of what I have done, I do not feel so much regret. They have made me, shaped me into the person that is typing this today. Yes, I have hooked up with many boys and am not a virgin, but if anything they made me realise how empty I felt and how robbed I was and pushed me toward God to fill the hole in my heart that was meant to be filled by my father. Yes, I had a period when I would drink a lot and occasionally get high. But if you see me today I don't do that so much anymore, because those mistakes made me realise that it's okay not to drink. I learnt that drinking doesn't mean you can't have fun. Clubbing underage was a blessing in disguise, as it gave me a way to get it all out of my system and now, at 19 years of age, I hardly ever go clubbing and don't enjoy it as much as I used to.
My past made me a better person. I have felt the pain of it, accepted it, learnt from it and let go of it. If only the friends I had did the same for me.
“We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.”
Charles R. Swindoll
Monday, August 20, 2012
I feel like I'm falling, but I can't be sure.
Lately, my life has been a whirlwind of emotions. It's funny to think that around this time last year I was almost in the same situation as I am in now: a mess. Allow me to rant for a while.
I have a knack for spending too much money, and instead of saving, I am losing money rapidly. What makes it worse is that I brought a Macbook Pro 2 months ago, and it became faulty very soon and will cost an overwhelming and ridiculous $4100 to fix. This blows me away considering that the whole laptop itself is only $2800. Obviously this is not an option for me, but the trouble of having to get it fixed so soon is so unnecessary.
My brother is lashing out in hurt even more and is stealing constantly from myself and other family members. My mum is so stressed and my dad is never there.
I've cut out friends that only brought me down. It's sad for me, but I believe that it is also a necessary pain.
I applied for an internship at Come&Live, hoping they would answer soon, but it's been 2 months and they have not replied. I am worried about what to do for my future, about whether I heard God wrong or if I did something wrong and I have to settle with God's plan B for my life. I feel under pressure because I feel like everyone expects me to go to University for the sake of going to University. Last night, my brother and I had a confrontation and he said to me, 'You fail at school. You didn't even go to University.' It didn't hurt me when he said it, but it hurt me much later. The pressure of friends & family encouraging me to study there is weighing down on me more than they know. I know who I am, and where I want to go in life. I know that God doesn't want me to study there just to please everybody. I know that if studying there will not help me get closer to God's plan for my life, then I will be miserable and waste 3 years of my life which could've been used to actually getting out there. Am I a failure and a lesser being because I am not studying at University? I am not sure where I am going. I feel purposeless and like life is not worth living, and in this state I am close to breaking and giving in to the status quo if God doesn't let me know what is going on right now. Maybe it just takes a bit of patience, but that is something in my life that I lack.
I think that the only good thing that is going on in my life right now are my best friend and this man that I like very much. This one is so different to all other other guys I have dated, who I have liked and who have liked me. It's the same guy that have been talked about throughout my blog posts this year, but this time, everything has changed. I was torn up about him at first, and I'll admit that he was playing me in the beginning, but all that I have hoped for with him has come true. I love that he likes me back, because my feelings for him are stronger than what I have felt ever before for someone. When we bumped into each other when I was in Wellington and spent those times together, something felt so right and wonderful. To me, he was everything I wanted in a man, but the biggest box that he didn't tick was that he was not a Christian. I remember ever since I was young, when I wrote lists about what I wanted in a man, being a Christian was the most important thing. The thing is, my heart is with him, but my head is with God. Is this what all those prophecies about the godly man coming was all about? To keep me away from him? It's hard because rarely any boy comes close to God for me, but this one is special to me. I've been waiting for so long to have someone like him, and now he's here, it's not easy to let him go. Since Wellington, we have Skyped for hours and hours just talking about us and how it was going to work. I said it couldn't for a number of reasons: he has a bad reputation as a player and someone who sleeps with a lot of women, I can't trust him, he's not Christian and he lives so far away which would drive me crazy. My mind was on constant overdrive with the amount of questions I had about us, and about how much I could trust and love God to walk away from this man. When I decided to end it between us, I cried so much from the pain that I felt. I heard on the radio last night a woman who said, 'They say that it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. The people who said that didn't know what it feels like to lose someone. I wish I never loved you.' Although it wasn't love, that was what it felt like. The pain of losing someone you like so much is much worse, I believe, than never loving. I didn't hold on for long. I couldn't go on knowing that him and I could have something wonderful, and I decided to keep going with him. He's been so gracious, putting up with me being hot and cold and still liking me despite my confusing antics. Right now, I don't see this as being right or wrong, smart or dumb. I know what people see this as, just me being too blind to realise that this is all fake. But I know...I know that I will probably get hurt, that there is a high chance of it never working out. I know that God could give away the man he had for me to another woman. And I know that if I choose this man, God could also take away Come&Live and other amazing opportunities he had for my life. All those prophecies I had for my life came with an IF...IF I follow God's will for my life, and I know that this man isn't a part of it.
I am facing the most hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life, and I feel that God is not there. He has been predominately silent. I cry and pray and ask for something, but he doesn't say much. To me, He is like the angry father, waiting for me to come home so he can yell and hit me. I am angry at Him. I think this is all unfair. Last night, when my brother had stolen the money, I took a drive and cried, yelling at God. I asked Him why He had given me this family, this so-called brother, this so-called dad. I said I was angry and I hated Him for not helping or supporting me. I said that it was all not fair and that I have had enough of Him and I give up on Him. I had started smoking again because of all the stress.
Yesterday, I went to see my best friend Anja preach at a church in the morning. She had been stressed, but when she went up there and preached, everyone was blown away and touched. The topic she was talking about was how much can you trust God, and it spoke to me deeply. She shared the story of a little girl who loved and cherished more than anything the fake pearl necklace she was given. When her dad asked her one day if she would give them to him, she couldn't. The same thing happened another time, and the next time, she took them off and gave them to her dad. Her dad, to her surprised and joy, then took out and have her real pearls. Anja went on to say, what are your pearls? Do you know that God loves you enough so that you can trust Him with them? My pearl was this man that I liked and cared about beyond anything. And no, I said to myself, I don't trust God and I don't know that he loves me.
This morning, I got an email from a friend, Gary, who I was talking to yesterday at church about my situation. He is very wise and has been married to his wife for 35 years despite their crazy and rocky marriage. This is his email:
'Hi Jenny
Great to catch up yesterday at church.(The team and myself appreciate your bubbly enthusiasm which encourages us all).I have been thinking and praying about how things are with you.I really think the sermon about the pearl necklace is very relevant to you in this situation. Its not about if this is right or wrong, it is about you trusting God . He knows best and He will give it back if good for you or give you something better in due time. I really recommend a session with Hope at the healing rooms sooner than later as sometimes something that may be meeting a strong emotional need can distort our clear thinking. God , as a loving Father wants the best for you. Please trust Him as He can gently change and heal our hearts, with our permission.
LOL Gary.'
He had also told me yesterday that he had a picture, that when we walk the narrow path, wherever we may go or wherever it may lead us, there are hand railings - and those hand railings are God's love. It was beautiful to me, because even if you mess up and go way off track, there is still something to hold onto. God's love is still there, supporting us when we can't seem to stand up and keep going.
On the drive home from church with Anja, she said she was happy for me now and has stopped labelling my situation. She said that she doesn't want to label everything as right or wrong or categorise what was happening. She said she loved that this man was romancing me and taking care of me and is excited about me. It was so refreshing to have someone share my joy about this man. All my friends and family are worried about me more than anything and dampen the happiness that this man makes me feel, when I simply want them to stop stressing and be happy for me. All I know right now is that he gives me an indescribable feeling and I miss him.
Despite this mess, I'm keeping my head up and my heart strong. I know that as long as I have God, and my friends & family, everything will be okay.
I have a knack for spending too much money, and instead of saving, I am losing money rapidly. What makes it worse is that I brought a Macbook Pro 2 months ago, and it became faulty very soon and will cost an overwhelming and ridiculous $4100 to fix. This blows me away considering that the whole laptop itself is only $2800. Obviously this is not an option for me, but the trouble of having to get it fixed so soon is so unnecessary.
My brother is lashing out in hurt even more and is stealing constantly from myself and other family members. My mum is so stressed and my dad is never there.
I've cut out friends that only brought me down. It's sad for me, but I believe that it is also a necessary pain.
I applied for an internship at Come&Live, hoping they would answer soon, but it's been 2 months and they have not replied. I am worried about what to do for my future, about whether I heard God wrong or if I did something wrong and I have to settle with God's plan B for my life. I feel under pressure because I feel like everyone expects me to go to University for the sake of going to University. Last night, my brother and I had a confrontation and he said to me, 'You fail at school. You didn't even go to University.' It didn't hurt me when he said it, but it hurt me much later. The pressure of friends & family encouraging me to study there is weighing down on me more than they know. I know who I am, and where I want to go in life. I know that God doesn't want me to study there just to please everybody. I know that if studying there will not help me get closer to God's plan for my life, then I will be miserable and waste 3 years of my life which could've been used to actually getting out there. Am I a failure and a lesser being because I am not studying at University? I am not sure where I am going. I feel purposeless and like life is not worth living, and in this state I am close to breaking and giving in to the status quo if God doesn't let me know what is going on right now. Maybe it just takes a bit of patience, but that is something in my life that I lack.
I think that the only good thing that is going on in my life right now are my best friend and this man that I like very much. This one is so different to all other other guys I have dated, who I have liked and who have liked me. It's the same guy that have been talked about throughout my blog posts this year, but this time, everything has changed. I was torn up about him at first, and I'll admit that he was playing me in the beginning, but all that I have hoped for with him has come true. I love that he likes me back, because my feelings for him are stronger than what I have felt ever before for someone. When we bumped into each other when I was in Wellington and spent those times together, something felt so right and wonderful. To me, he was everything I wanted in a man, but the biggest box that he didn't tick was that he was not a Christian. I remember ever since I was young, when I wrote lists about what I wanted in a man, being a Christian was the most important thing. The thing is, my heart is with him, but my head is with God. Is this what all those prophecies about the godly man coming was all about? To keep me away from him? It's hard because rarely any boy comes close to God for me, but this one is special to me. I've been waiting for so long to have someone like him, and now he's here, it's not easy to let him go. Since Wellington, we have Skyped for hours and hours just talking about us and how it was going to work. I said it couldn't for a number of reasons: he has a bad reputation as a player and someone who sleeps with a lot of women, I can't trust him, he's not Christian and he lives so far away which would drive me crazy. My mind was on constant overdrive with the amount of questions I had about us, and about how much I could trust and love God to walk away from this man. When I decided to end it between us, I cried so much from the pain that I felt. I heard on the radio last night a woman who said, 'They say that it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. The people who said that didn't know what it feels like to lose someone. I wish I never loved you.' Although it wasn't love, that was what it felt like. The pain of losing someone you like so much is much worse, I believe, than never loving. I didn't hold on for long. I couldn't go on knowing that him and I could have something wonderful, and I decided to keep going with him. He's been so gracious, putting up with me being hot and cold and still liking me despite my confusing antics. Right now, I don't see this as being right or wrong, smart or dumb. I know what people see this as, just me being too blind to realise that this is all fake. But I know...I know that I will probably get hurt, that there is a high chance of it never working out. I know that God could give away the man he had for me to another woman. And I know that if I choose this man, God could also take away Come&Live and other amazing opportunities he had for my life. All those prophecies I had for my life came with an IF...IF I follow God's will for my life, and I know that this man isn't a part of it.
I am facing the most hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life, and I feel that God is not there. He has been predominately silent. I cry and pray and ask for something, but he doesn't say much. To me, He is like the angry father, waiting for me to come home so he can yell and hit me. I am angry at Him. I think this is all unfair. Last night, when my brother had stolen the money, I took a drive and cried, yelling at God. I asked Him why He had given me this family, this so-called brother, this so-called dad. I said I was angry and I hated Him for not helping or supporting me. I said that it was all not fair and that I have had enough of Him and I give up on Him. I had started smoking again because of all the stress.
Yesterday, I went to see my best friend Anja preach at a church in the morning. She had been stressed, but when she went up there and preached, everyone was blown away and touched. The topic she was talking about was how much can you trust God, and it spoke to me deeply. She shared the story of a little girl who loved and cherished more than anything the fake pearl necklace she was given. When her dad asked her one day if she would give them to him, she couldn't. The same thing happened another time, and the next time, she took them off and gave them to her dad. Her dad, to her surprised and joy, then took out and have her real pearls. Anja went on to say, what are your pearls? Do you know that God loves you enough so that you can trust Him with them? My pearl was this man that I liked and cared about beyond anything. And no, I said to myself, I don't trust God and I don't know that he loves me.
This morning, I got an email from a friend, Gary, who I was talking to yesterday at church about my situation. He is very wise and has been married to his wife for 35 years despite their crazy and rocky marriage. This is his email:
'Hi Jenny
Great to catch up yesterday at church.(The team and myself appreciate your bubbly enthusiasm which encourages us all).I have been thinking and praying about how things are with you.I really think the sermon about the pearl necklace is very relevant to you in this situation. Its not about if this is right or wrong, it is about you trusting God . He knows best and He will give it back if good for you or give you something better in due time. I really recommend a session with Hope at the healing rooms sooner than later as sometimes something that may be meeting a strong emotional need can distort our clear thinking. God , as a loving Father wants the best for you. Please trust Him as He can gently change and heal our hearts, with our permission.
LOL Gary.'
He had also told me yesterday that he had a picture, that when we walk the narrow path, wherever we may go or wherever it may lead us, there are hand railings - and those hand railings are God's love. It was beautiful to me, because even if you mess up and go way off track, there is still something to hold onto. God's love is still there, supporting us when we can't seem to stand up and keep going.
On the drive home from church with Anja, she said she was happy for me now and has stopped labelling my situation. She said that she doesn't want to label everything as right or wrong or categorise what was happening. She said she loved that this man was romancing me and taking care of me and is excited about me. It was so refreshing to have someone share my joy about this man. All my friends and family are worried about me more than anything and dampen the happiness that this man makes me feel, when I simply want them to stop stressing and be happy for me. All I know right now is that he gives me an indescribable feeling and I miss him.
Despite this mess, I'm keeping my head up and my heart strong. I know that as long as I have God, and my friends & family, everything will be okay.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
'She was a smart girl, until she fell in love.'
Being heartbroken by someone is the worst feeling in the world.
Currently listening to: City and Colour - Little Hell
Monday, June 25, 2012
Amos 5:24
Today I found out that 200 men invaded and attacked this small village in China. That small village was where some of my family lived. The government wanted to forcefully take their property to make a pig farm, but because the people did not let them, they got angry and hired a couple hundred men to hurt them, with the intention to kill. They threw large rocks at them, beat them, and one person was stabbed five times so that his intestines came out. I saw some pictures today, and one house had a river of blood on the floor. The village including my family cannot go home, and are homeless at the moment. What's more, the government do not want this story to get out. They have told all reporters to not release this story, and cut off the village's internet so that it won't go international. It's so hearbreaking to hear because this is my family, who took care of me while I was in China. They don't deserve this...they are good people even though they are poor. I can't stop crying.
Please, if you are the praying type, I ask that you would pray for my family and the village right now. Even though they are not Christian, ask that God will be on their side. And ask that God would protect them, heal them so that they will all recover quickly, comfort them, strengthen them and restore to them what was lost. Pray that justice will be done in this situation. Most importantly, that they will come to know God.
I may not know if you pray, but I deeply appreciate it if you do.
Please, if you are the praying type, I ask that you would pray for my family and the village right now. Even though they are not Christian, ask that God will be on their side. And ask that God would protect them, heal them so that they will all recover quickly, comfort them, strengthen them and restore to them what was lost. Pray that justice will be done in this situation. Most importantly, that they will come to know God.
I may not know if you pray, but I deeply appreciate it if you do.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Taking a deep breath.
I am unofficially graduating Bible college in less than two weeks! While I will miss studying there as well as the amazing people, I am so ready and excited to embark on new adventures. However, I don't know what that adventure is just yet. I seriously considered studying theology at Victoria University in Wellington, but after getting down on my knees and praying about it, the 'yes' that I so wanted to hear from God settled into a clear 'no.' And somehow, I felt a great peace about that no. I asked my best friend to pray for me and see what God was saying to her about my future too, and she gave me an account of what had happened the next morning. She asked God, 'Do you want Jenny to study theology next year?'
'No.'
'Do you want Jenny to study at all?'
'No.'
What do you want Jenny to do?'
'Start soon...start now...Come&Live.'
Come&Live are a non-profit organization that works hand in hand with musicians that they sign and help them spread the kingdom of God through loving, giving, sharing and reviving. I have considered and researched the internships that they do but never imagined that this is what God would want me to do. The catch is, they only take 12 interns and they are based in Nashville, Tennessee...in America. Seeing my surprise, my best friend added, 'But you have to get an answer for yourself.'
That night, I got down on my knees again and asked God, 'Do you want me to do Come&Live?'
The answer came immediately. 'Yes.'
Just to make sure, I rebuked any satanic or demonic forces and my thoughts that were influencing this answer. And I asked God not once but three times if this was really His will for me. You could say that I couldn't believe it and my questioning Him was really a tactic to allow this answer to sink in for me. Finally, after manifesting and speaking in tongues, I heard Him say, 'Go in peace. I will pave the way for you.' Immediately, I thought of the words spoken to Joshua by God in Joshua 1:9:
It feels like I'm taking a deep breath before the dive, and it's a good kind of scared.
'No.'
'Do you want Jenny to study at all?'
'No.'
What do you want Jenny to do?'
'Start soon...start now...Come&Live.'
Come&Live are a non-profit organization that works hand in hand with musicians that they sign and help them spread the kingdom of God through loving, giving, sharing and reviving. I have considered and researched the internships that they do but never imagined that this is what God would want me to do. The catch is, they only take 12 interns and they are based in Nashville, Tennessee...in America. Seeing my surprise, my best friend added, 'But you have to get an answer for yourself.'
That night, I got down on my knees again and asked God, 'Do you want me to do Come&Live?'
The answer came immediately. 'Yes.'
Just to make sure, I rebuked any satanic or demonic forces and my thoughts that were influencing this answer. And I asked God not once but three times if this was really His will for me. You could say that I couldn't believe it and my questioning Him was really a tactic to allow this answer to sink in for me. Finally, after manifesting and speaking in tongues, I heard Him say, 'Go in peace. I will pave the way for you.' Immediately, I thought of the words spoken to Joshua by God in Joshua 1:9:
'Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.'
I then asked God when I should start, and I really felt that it was in six months because He had said, 'Start soon.' I saw encouraging visions soon afterward that made me feel so at peace with this answer and revelation.
As huge a news as this is, I still don't want to take any chances and put a toe out of God's will for my life. My mum, who I asked to pray for me, said she had prayed for me to make the right decision and we had a good talk today about this situation. She said a really encouraging thing to me. She said that when she prays about my little sister, she gets the feeling that she will be a pastor's wife, serving and helping people. But when she prays for me, she gets a different vision. She feels that I am going to be active in bringing people into God's kingdom, like a tool He uses anywhere He wants to use it. I asked her, then, why she felt surprised and worried when I told her that I might be going to the US and she answered me with solemness, 'Because you are so young.'
I really feel that God has equipped me with gifts and a unique way of thinking that will prepare me for anything that God has appointed me to. I have thought about this a lot, and although I am scared if this is all to be fulfilled, it's the good kind of scared. The kind of scared that you feel when you are about to parachute off a plane. The kind of scared that you feel when you fall too fast down a waterslide. The kind of scared that you feel when you are about to embark on a new adventure, as I am doing now. Two things need to happen before I am to internship at Come&Live, however: First, that a trusted mentor of mine prays and gets confirmation from God that this is His will and second, that I, of course, get accepted as a intern at Come&Live.
Currently listening to: Jon Foreman - Your Love Is Strong
Sunday, June 10, 2012
White as snow.
This weekend, I went to the Cleansing Streams Retreat, which is like a conference where people pray over you for different topics such as anger, shame, rejection and all other forms of darkness. One topic that we covered was sexual immorality, which was the most outstanding for me.
The lecturer talked about the concept of 'soul-ties' which scared me. I have heard of that term before, but some things were new to me. Basically, he explained that when you have sex with someone, you create a soul-tie with them, meaning that you most probably inherited some of their spiritual problems in having sex, whether it would be freemasonary, witchcraft, depression or the likes. Not only do you create this destructive bond physically, but it could also happen if you have emotional soul-ties with someone too. The lecturer illustrated this point by showing us a group of people holding each others hands, which represented the chain of soul-ties that happens when we have physical or emotional relationships with people outside of marriage. You can imagine how long that chain would be, and how destructive it would be too!
What shocked me even more was the statistics of sexual partners we have in the world and New Zealand. According to the lecturer, people in the rest of the world normally have 7 sexual partners on average...but in New Zealand, the average in 16! Now, that is scary thought - how many spiritual problems, or even physical problems, have we inherited because we carelessly slept with a few people? The pleasure is temporary, but the pain outweighs it by a milestone.
On our worksheet, there was a list of about 30 sexual sins and we were told to circle which sins we had been involved in. With shame, I scanned through the list and realized that I had been involved in most of them in some form or another. We were also told to write down the names of the people we had emotional or spiritual soul-ties with, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. In equally burning shame, I wrote down the names of the people I had sex with or hooked up with, and went up for prayer.
The lady that was praying for me was wonderful, but after the first prayer I still didn't feel right. During the second prayer, a blonde lady came and prayed for me too. The blonde lady walked away after the prayer was finished, but she came back and told me that she felt God was saying that He wanted to restore me completely. She asked me if I was married and I replied no, and she said that when I do enter into marriage, I will be a virgin. I was weeping beforehand, but when she said this a flood of tears burst forth. I was completely overwhelmed by the grace and mercy of God. There are no words that I can find that can explain how free and loved I felt at that very moment. I felt like I was honored, even though I did not deserve it in any way. Amazing grace, indeed! To think that the holy God I serve has seen all my sexual sin, too numerous for me to remember, and washed me clean by the blood of the lamb, to be remembered no more, is incredible. But He didn't stop there. He has also declared me a virgin in His sight, and told me,
The lecturer talked about the concept of 'soul-ties' which scared me. I have heard of that term before, but some things were new to me. Basically, he explained that when you have sex with someone, you create a soul-tie with them, meaning that you most probably inherited some of their spiritual problems in having sex, whether it would be freemasonary, witchcraft, depression or the likes. Not only do you create this destructive bond physically, but it could also happen if you have emotional soul-ties with someone too. The lecturer illustrated this point by showing us a group of people holding each others hands, which represented the chain of soul-ties that happens when we have physical or emotional relationships with people outside of marriage. You can imagine how long that chain would be, and how destructive it would be too!
What shocked me even more was the statistics of sexual partners we have in the world and New Zealand. According to the lecturer, people in the rest of the world normally have 7 sexual partners on average...but in New Zealand, the average in 16! Now, that is scary thought - how many spiritual problems, or even physical problems, have we inherited because we carelessly slept with a few people? The pleasure is temporary, but the pain outweighs it by a milestone.
On our worksheet, there was a list of about 30 sexual sins and we were told to circle which sins we had been involved in. With shame, I scanned through the list and realized that I had been involved in most of them in some form or another. We were also told to write down the names of the people we had emotional or spiritual soul-ties with, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. In equally burning shame, I wrote down the names of the people I had sex with or hooked up with, and went up for prayer.
The lady that was praying for me was wonderful, but after the first prayer I still didn't feel right. During the second prayer, a blonde lady came and prayed for me too. The blonde lady walked away after the prayer was finished, but she came back and told me that she felt God was saying that He wanted to restore me completely. She asked me if I was married and I replied no, and she said that when I do enter into marriage, I will be a virgin. I was weeping beforehand, but when she said this a flood of tears burst forth. I was completely overwhelmed by the grace and mercy of God. There are no words that I can find that can explain how free and loved I felt at that very moment. I felt like I was honored, even though I did not deserve it in any way. Amazing grace, indeed! To think that the holy God I serve has seen all my sexual sin, too numerous for me to remember, and washed me clean by the blood of the lamb, to be remembered no more, is incredible. But He didn't stop there. He has also declared me a virgin in His sight, and told me,
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool."
Isaiah 1:18b
For me, the very fact that God has done this because of Jesus' death on the cross and because of His burning love for me, made me inwardly convinced that sex in my life is truly and strictly going to be kept for marriage. I do not want to have sex, or hook up, or be involved in any other sexual sin any longer. The sexual sins I have committed in the past has all been covered under God's grace, and I have no desire to try to extend and cheapen that grace. The very thought of doing something like that makes me sick. God's forgiveness has so astounded and impacted me, that I know I have been changed forever!
I want to encourage those who are reading this: no matter how many people you have slept with or hooked up with, whether you watch porn or have been involved in sexual gratification, whatever sexual sin you have done, Jesus has nailed each and every one of them to the cross and will forgive you from all sin if you choose to repent and lay it all at the cross. His grace and love is so deep that it will cover all sin and shame - and if you let Him, He will restore to you that which was lost too. Yes, we serve a holy God who detests sin, but we also serve a God whose grace is so deep that if we sank into it we would never reach the bottom. You can be pure, sanctified, and forgiven in Jesus Christ like I was this weekend!
God is good, hey?!
Saturday, May 26, 2012
A little sister's letter.
I thought I would share with you guys what my little 11 year old sister wrote to me recently - not because it was flattering, but because it was pretty darn cute.
'My Sister Taught Me'
She taught me that Parks and Recreation is awesome!
She taught me that people can change.
She taught me not to be a bad influence.
She taught me personality counts as much as looks.
She taught me to be organized for everything.
She taught me to keep your friends close but your enemies closer.
She taught me to love.
She taught me to be grateful.
She taught me to be nice to anyone.
She taught me to share love.
She told me not to pop pimples because there will be scars.
She taught me not to swear.
She taught me to choose good friends.
She taught me to save myself for the cart trophy.*
She taught me to date older.
She taught me to pray for the necessary things.
She taught me that trust can take a longgg time to build up.
She taught me that doing something bad is bad but lying about it is worser.
She taught me that we are God's children.
She taught me integrity.
She taught me to follow my dreams.
She taught me that God is with each and everyday and that we should always look up to him.
She taught me EVERYTHING <3
*Recently I told her that seeking a romantic relationship is like an extreme go cart course. You have the cones which are the boys you need to avoid, and then you have the explosive mines which are like the boys you really need to avoid. God drives this go cart with you by his side, and at the end of this go cart course there is a wonderful prize: the trophy - the man that God has kept for you to marry.
Well, needless to say - I love her!
Currently listening to: The Shins - It's Only Life
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Psalm 34.
"I will extol the Lord at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me;
let us exalt His name together.
I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to Him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor man called, and the Lord heard him;
he saved him from all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him,
and He delivers them.
Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the man that takes refuge in Him.
Fear the Lord, you saints,
for those who fear Him lack nothing.
The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.
Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the Lord.
Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,
keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.
Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.
The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous
and His ears are attentive to their cry;
the face of the Lord us against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their trouble.
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the Lord delivers him from them all;
he protects his bones,
not one of them will be broken.
Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.
The Lord redeems His servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in Him."
Wherever you are in life - everything will be okay.
Currently listening to: Ascend The Hill - Song of the Redeemed
Monday, April 9, 2012
Psalm 18.
Lately, I've been having a hard time dealing with certain people, one of them being a guy at work who is harrassing me and making work feel very uncomfortable. In anguish, when I heard that he was making me out to be the bad person to our co-workers and was spreading a rumour about me, I cried out to God and let out all my feelings of hatred and anger. I felt so alone and unsupported. No one was there to defend me it seemed. I felt like my cries rebounded off the walls, and in desperation I asked God where He was. Immediately, voice spoke into my spirit and said, 'I'm right here.'
A couple of days later, I was watching the movie 'Facing the Giants' and was completely moved by it. It's about a man named Grant Taylor, who is a Christian, but was facing a crisis in life. The football team he was coaching hadn't won a game in 6 years, his car constantly broke down, his house was falling apart, and maybe worst of all, his wife was unable to get pregnant even though they had tried to conceive a baby. In the middle of the night, in utter desperation, he got up and read his Bible and again in the morning when he went out into the fields and read a beautiful passage in Psalm. In the back of my head, I wondered where exactly that passage was. Grant cried out to God and decided then and there to commit everything to Him, knowing that if he did his best, God will do the rest. As the rest of the film progresses, Grant's life gradually comes together in God's perfect will for him. God's blessing pours over him and overwhelms him. I was in tears nearly throughout the whole movie! It resounded with me and just proved that if you give God your everything, even though it may be very little, God can mulitply it and make something truly beautiful.
Later on that night, I had my devotional and it lead me to the exact passage that Grant Taylor read in the movie in the midst of his crisis! I was so humbled and blown away. It was so unexpected, and it is such a wonderful passage. I don't think I have ever been so moved by Scripture before. Be blessed as you read Psalm 18, wherever you are in your life:
A couple of days later, I was watching the movie 'Facing the Giants' and was completely moved by it. It's about a man named Grant Taylor, who is a Christian, but was facing a crisis in life. The football team he was coaching hadn't won a game in 6 years, his car constantly broke down, his house was falling apart, and maybe worst of all, his wife was unable to get pregnant even though they had tried to conceive a baby. In the middle of the night, in utter desperation, he got up and read his Bible and again in the morning when he went out into the fields and read a beautiful passage in Psalm. In the back of my head, I wondered where exactly that passage was. Grant cried out to God and decided then and there to commit everything to Him, knowing that if he did his best, God will do the rest. As the rest of the film progresses, Grant's life gradually comes together in God's perfect will for him. God's blessing pours over him and overwhelms him. I was in tears nearly throughout the whole movie! It resounded with me and just proved that if you give God your everything, even though it may be very little, God can mulitply it and make something truly beautiful.
Later on that night, I had my devotional and it lead me to the exact passage that Grant Taylor read in the movie in the midst of his crisis! I was so humbled and blown away. It was so unexpected, and it is such a wonderful passage. I don't think I have ever been so moved by Scripture before. Be blessed as you read Psalm 18, wherever you are in your life:
"I love you, LORD, my strength.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I have been saved from my enemies.
The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.
In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
The earth trembled and quaked,
and the foundations of the mountains shook;
they trembled because he was angry.
Smoke rose from his nostrils;
consuming fire came from his mouth,
burning coals blazed out of it.
He parted the heavens and came down;
dark clouds were under his feet.
He mounted the cherubim and flew;
he soared on the wings of the wind.
He made darkness his covering, his canopy around him—
the dark rain clouds of the sky.
Out of the brightness of his presence clouds advanced,
with hailstones and bolts of lightning.
The LORD thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded.
He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy,
with great bolts of lightning he routed them.
The valleys of the sea were exposed
and the foundations of the earth laid bare
at your rebuke, LORD,
at the blast of breath from your nostrils.
He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.
The LORD has dealt with me according to my righteousness;
according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.
For I have kept the ways of the LORD;
I am not guilty of turning from my God.
All his laws are before me;
I have not turned away from his decrees.
I have been blameless before him
and have kept myself from sin.
The LORD has rewarded me according to my righteousness,
according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight.
To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,
to the pure you show yourself pure,
but to the devious you show yourself shrewd.
You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
You, LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.
As for God, his way is perfect:
The LORD’s word is flawless;
he shields all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the LORD?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and keeps my way secure.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he causes me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You make your saving help my shield,
and your right hand sustains me;
your help has made me great.
You provide a broad path for my feet,
so that my ankles do not give way.
I pursued my enemies and overtook them;
I did not turn back till they were destroyed.
I crushed them so that they could not rise;
they fell beneath my feet.
You armed me with strength for battle;
you humbled my adversaries before me.
You made my enemies turn their backs in flight,
and I destroyed my foes.
They cried for help, but there was no one to save them—
to the LORD, but he did not answer.
I beat them as fine as windblown dust;
I trampled them like mud in the streets.
You have delivered me from the attacks of the people;
you have made me the head of nations.
People I did not know now serve me,
foreigners cower before me;
as soon as they hear of me, they obey me.
They all lose heart;
they come trembling from their strongholds.
The LORD lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be God my Savior!
He is the God who avenges me,
who subdues nations under me,
who saves me from my enemies.
You exalted me above my foes;
from a violent man you rescued me.
Therefore I will praise you, LORD, among the nations;
I will sing the praises of your name.
He gives his king great victories;
he shows unfailing love to his anointed,
to David and to his descendants forever."
Currently listening to: Andy Grammer - Build Me A Girl
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Dear boy,
It took me a while to realise that there was deceit behind all your charm. I was blinded by your sweet words and how you treated me so well, but now my eyes are open to the reason behind all you did for me. You took advantage of me and made it seem like it wasn't your fault. You denied me and slept with another girl behind my back. You got my hopes up and didn't end up keeping your word so I was left hanging like a fool. I'm not even surprised or hurt at what has happened - my friends had already foreseen what would happen and they were right. I am just another girl in Auckland you can have fun with for one night. You are no good for me, or, more correctly, I am too good for you. You stopped me from becoming the woman I was meant to be. And so now, I claim this over my life: I am beautiful and worthy to be pursued by a man who values my heart over my body. I'm not going to wait around any longer for you, or spend my precious time thinking about you and wishing I was where you were. I'm done with you and I couldn't be happier.
Love, Jenny.
Currently listening to: Sam Amidon - Relief (R. Kelly cover)Saturday, February 11, 2012
This war is won.
This week was the first week of Bible College for the year. It feels nice to be back - like home. I'm so grateful that my dearest friend Anja is also studying at the same place as me, so this gives me a lot more motivation to go. It's been a fast-paced, non stop week for me since I am also working (I got the permanent part-time position! Thank God :) A typical day for me is going to College early in the morning, and then straight after that I have work till night. It's already been quite draining on me and all I want to do all the time is sleep. Goodbye social life! However, I am looking forward to seeing Bon Iver in Wellington in 2 weeks time. It's going to be surreal.
Tonite I was listening to the album 'Unbreakable' by New Zealand hardcore band 'Saving Grace.' They are my favourite NZ hardcore band by far, simply because they are spirit-filled people making spirit-filled music in an industry which is hard to be spirit-filled. One song, called 'The Determined Drunk' spoke to me, as it describes exactly what I am going through right now in my spiritual journey with God. Here it is:
"Flesh rising,
A bloodied battlefield,
Mass temptation,
A ceaseless bludgeoning,
Constant confrontation,
A flood of decadence tearing at my weaknesses.
Clawing, gnashing at my blistered heels, who can save me now? Who can save me from myself? Can you save me now?
Thus far I've only further tightened the grip of sin around my throat. No strength, no strength of mine. Only God's good mercy. Only His perfect love. (For I can do all things through Christ Jesus who gives me strength). Guilty hands are covered with the stink of sin, but perfect, precious blood takes the bitter shame away. Mercy poured out freshly, a flood of righteousness covering my brokenness. Dark deeds are swept away like crumbling ashes.
I accept my death. I embrace the cross, the thorn in my side. I embrace my weakness, the log in my eye. This is me, the face of dependency.
Lord, give me strength, for I am weak. Christ be my strength so I can overcome. I will overcome."
Currently listening to: Saving Grace - All, But The Archer
Sunday, February 5, 2012
One second in this world without You and I am torn apart.
This is nothing new. It is always the same old cycle with me - I run away from God to the world and back again, and again, and again. What I have with Him is not enough it seems. I must also have the world. I've been trying to juggle the two silmultaneously since I was 14 and it has torn me apart, yet I still keep doing it. I don't know why anymore. I am so fed up with this double life I'm living. When I go to church or sing praises, all I feel is hypocrisy and fakeness in my heart because I know outside of church I am a completely different person. It's as if I have different masks I wear for different areas of my life - work, course, church, with different friends...I need to give it up, but I don't know where to begin. It feels like I have tried everything possible. I feel like I have given all my energy into being fully consecrated to God yet I am getting nowhere.
Last night I went out, drunk and embarrassed and degraded myself completely. Although it seems fun at the time, afterward I always feel defeated. On top of that, someone had smashed my car window and stole my SLR camera. Cleaning my car this morning, seeing all the shattered glass and alcohol bottles from all the nights out with my friends left me feeling disgusted - with my life and with myself. Oh God, let this be enough to make me change. This world is trying to break me and crush me and tell me I need more and my strength is ever weakening. Come, Lord. I need you!
Last night I went out, drunk and embarrassed and degraded myself completely. Although it seems fun at the time, afterward I always feel defeated. On top of that, someone had smashed my car window and stole my SLR camera. Cleaning my car this morning, seeing all the shattered glass and alcohol bottles from all the nights out with my friends left me feeling disgusted - with my life and with myself. Oh God, let this be enough to make me change. This world is trying to break me and crush me and tell me I need more and my strength is ever weakening. Come, Lord. I need you!
Currently listening to: Bon Iver - Holocene
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