Yesterday, I did just that. I drove to Piha, a really beautiful beach an hour and a half away from my house. It felt really good, driving away from everything and everyone. There was hardly anyone on the beach, and I found a log and sat there and wrote in my journal everything that had happened recently and everything I was feeling. Afterward, I sat there admiring the beauty before me. White horizon, white waves, white sun, all blending seamlessly together before my eyes.
The past 9 months have been a whirlwind of emotions for me. I fell in love with a wonderful man, and, hesistant to trust him, I let him chase me for 7 months. I was torn because I knew that this wasn't the man God had for me, he wasn't a Christian and he had a shady past playing girls... but a truth of life, if you really think about it, is that you can't choose who you fall in love with. After being depressed because of letting go of him, I decided to disobey and do what my heart told me to do. I started things with him again, and I flew down to see him and we spent a whole weekend together which was amazing despite arguing with him because he had slept with another girl. I forgave him, and we decided to officially start dating. I came back to Auckland, and all of a sudden, he changed. He didn't talk to me for a week. I tried to Skype with him three times but he didn't show up and left me waiting. And, out of the blue, he told me that his manager offered him to move overseas by the end of the year for a job transfer and he had to decide by that week.
One night after he had stood me up on Skype, I drove to my favorite lookout, upset, confused and heartbroken. My friend had always reminded me that he was sleeping with girls and flirting with them while he liked me, and he had even told her that he liked another girl too. It's funny, because when I see girls in relationships who are in the same situation I am in, I want to tell that girl, 'You deserve so much better than this jerk.' But it's different when you are in that situation because there are feelings involved. There's a level of care for that person that cannot fluctuate, even when that person cheats, lies and abuses you. Watching the glittering lights of the suburbs in my car, I realized that I was jealous and upset that he would go overseas, find another girl and take my heart with him while I was here heartbroken over him. But I never realized that I did have a life after him... there was hope after him. One day, I thought, I am going to find a man who respects me and loves me and will never intend to hurt me. We're going to travel, too, and have dogs and kids and lots of sex (in marriage of course). One thing that the jerk will never have over me is self-respect for cheating on me, and respect for me. At least I respected myself and him enough to be faithful, and I can hold my head high for that, but he can't.
After my epiphany, I decided to end it with him, but I needed closure - I needed to talk to him and get everything out on the table. I messaged him several times with no reply. One night, the floodgates to my heart finally opened and I poured my eyes out for an hour and a half, literally. I cried because the first man I have ever fallen in love with doesn't love me back and is likely to be taking my heart with him overseas this year.
I cried because I felt unloved and undesired.
I cried because he cheated.
I cried because every guy in my life has treated me like crap, and I must've been the problem. If I was pretty enough, smart enough, confident enough, they wouldn't have hurt me like this.
While some of my friends have been supportive of me and given me a lot of encouragement, it is still not easy to uproot beliefs that have been planted since you were born. I realized that the problem was not so much him, but me. I had a problem with myself. I believed that it was my fault he wasn't talking to me and chewed me up and spat me out. I believed that guys fall out in love with me because I am a boring person. I believed that every guy squashed me like a bug because I wasn't beautiful enough. I believed I was cheated on because I just simply wasn't enough. When I told Anja about this, she gave me a stunning analogy. She told me about a girl who had an abusive father, made some bad choices and ended up in prostitution where all males treated her like crap. The girl believed she was unworthy because of this. 'What would you tell her?' Anja asked. I thought a while and said, 'That it's a lie.' She brought it back to my situation, and told me that that prostitute was as worthy for love as any girl was. She told me that men didn't treat me like crap because there was something wrong with me - there was something wrong with them. If a guy constantly goes out, cheats and lies, there is nothing wrong with the girl, but it is his own problem.
Sitting on the log by myself at Piha, I thought about what Anja had said. I told myself that like that girl who was treated like crap by men all her life, she is and I am still beautiful and deserving of love. I told myself that one day, I am going to be with an amazing man and that there is a wonderful life awaiting me ahead of my heartbreak. I told myself it's going to take some time to get over him, and there will be days where I will cry and be depressed and feel like I can't go on, but one step at a time, one foot in front of the other is enough because eventually, if I keep going on on the right path, I'm going to get to a point where I will have healed from the pain. I also talked to God for the first time in weeks, and I wasn't angry at him. I told him I was sorry that I disobeyed him and that I know now that he only had my best interests in heart. I acknowledged that he just wants to be there for me and that we're going to take baby steps back onto the right path again. Driving back home, I felt so much peace and knew that that moment at Piha was a God moment, a good moment. One of the reasons that I know this was because I have never driven to Piha before by myself, and I didn't get lost once, not on the way there or back! Knowing me and my tendency to get lost all the time, this was a miracle, and I knew God was directing my car and looking out for me.
Since then, I have completely blocked all communication from him and I so that we will not be able to contact each other, and while I won't get my closure or know if he is moving or not, I know that this is the best for me. I cannot wait for something that's never going to happen anymore. I may as well start moving on. It is never easy, having someone you fell in love with not like you back, changing into a person you can't be with anymore and having to let them go. Some of the things that have helped me are crying, good friends, my sister, alone time & God time and the music of John Legend in particular. It is the hardest thing I have gone through, but I am learning to embrace this season of pain and heartbreak because I know that there is new life on the other side.
'Today I am moving on. Today I know that life is beautiful and today is my fresh start. Today there is hope."
Listen to: John Legend - Ordinary People
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