Lalala.

It's 5am and I've been awake for a while now...I think I will always get used to never sleeping properly. But that's okay.

This is another update on my life...

I'm going to apply for Ministry Training College which takes 6 months. I hope I get in. Of all the jobs I have been applying at, not one has called me back, and I have been praying that some door will open for me this year. I think this is God's way of telling me to do the course instead of work to go overseas. I'm a little skeptical but this is a great opportunity to trust God.

I have been feeling a little down about myself, physcially and emotionally at the moment. I have let so many people down this year. I have messed some of my friendships up with people. I am genuinely sorry for doing what I did...I wasn't myself and I didn't have it all together. Ever since I came back from China, life has been one great sigh. It really has been a hard year. But now, I feel like I'm getting my life together again. The christian ministry course, the sobriety, spending more time with God, people and myself...although I feel like an anchor that is dragging me down and keeping me from shining is boys. I feel unwanted and it shows. My self-esteem has hit a low. I feel real crap about my appearance and when I compare myself to other girls I feel even crapper. I know it's not true, but sadly, the truth doesn't seem to be winning right now.

Some aspects of my life have been great, however! I havn't lost hope. I went to church today and I felt so loved, so happy, so myself. The people there are great. Music is also great. Nature is also great. God's love is also great. Things have been better than they were a month ago. All I can do is praise God, good times, but especially the bad times.

Currently listening to: Modest Mouse - 3rd Planet