My own best friend.

Ever since my early teenage years, my only enjoyable company has been myself. Whenever someone asked me to hang out with them, I knew I didn't want to. If they were to ask me why I refused, I couldn't say 'because I'm hanging out with myself.' That would be social suicide! It is really not that I have social anxiety (I can be very talkative and happy), but it is moreso because I generally dislike people. Misanthropy.

This misanthropy has been so particularly strong in me these days that even I get scared. My depression has taken a hold of me once again. It is a strong grip that I have only felt once in my life before. Yes, I have been receiving encouragement from people, but at the end of the day it is completely natural for me to be strong for myself and get through these hardships myself. It works for me. People will let me down and disappoint me constantly, but I find comfort in being able to at least control what harm I do to myself.
I absolutely despise it when people think they understand me. I can't even understand myself, let alone someone who clearly does not know even a tiny smidgen of my past and how it has made me who I am today. Obviously they do not know my past for a good reason. How do they expect me to tell them my life story when they do not show caution with what they are saying? When they jump to judgements and conclusions it just shows me how immature and pretentious they are. I am always astounded when I tell someone one or two things about how I'm feeling and then they start ranting on about who I am and what I should and shouldn't do or feel, like they know me. I doubt anybody will be reading this who this applies to, but just so you know that if you are, I've already given up on talking to you about anything about my life because you're just going to judge me like you know better.

You may think I am mentally unstable (which I would agree with you) and that I need help, but I am not completely inhumane. I have a great need for understanding at this point in my life. It is just that the need for me to be alone has been deeply rooted in me for a long, long time. Without a doubt, being alone overides companionship. The actual thought of getting help or support from someone makes me feel inadequate and anxious. It is such a backwards concept, to those who love being around people and crave company constantly.

Currently listening to: The Shins - Split Needles