I came over to her bed later that night and watched her as she slept, and I thought to myself how broken this world is. I almost felt overwhelmed with sadness thinking about my family's broken dreams, particularly my little sister's.
I have watched my little sister grow up ever since she came out of the womb. Since my mum works most of the time and my dad isn't home a lot, I feel like I am her mother, father, friend and sister all tied into one. She has grown up to be such a beautiful girl with a brave, courageous and confident spirit. She excels in academia but she is also athletic and social. I love her for who she is today and I could not be more proud of her. But, sometimes I see her cry or upset because of the things life throws at her, and it really breaks my heart. These things mostly everybody goes through in life - bullying, the person you like being a disappointment instead, the brokenness of family, lost hope and shattered promises - but to see it happen to someone you want to fiercely protect in life and who you love more than anything in the world is hard to swallow.
My little sister is the glue that holds my family together because she is the only person everybody loves and gets along with. It's a heavy burden for her to bear at such a young age, and because she has this unfair responsibility on her shoulders, she has had to grow up really fast. I remember this one time 5 years ago, we took a family trip to China and had got into an argument where Sarah was in the middle. She went to the window and sat down, and I came over to her and noticed she was crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she said to me through her tears in the sweetest innocence, 'Why can't everyone love each other? We are family.'
There have been quite a lot of times when I would see her crying in private because of family troubles, and if that wasn't enough, nowadays she comes home upset sometimes because of troubles at school and with her friends.
It's difficult to see a once worry-free, happy child playing in pools and running around playgrounds grow up realizing that this world is not just rainbows and butterflies, but also one with disappointments.
I want to be a shield around this little girl to keep her safe from the world's utter brokenness. I know that for me, I experienced it early and without anyone breaking my fall, but I don't want to let that happen to my sister. It took a lot of healing and self-discovery to get to where I am today from where I was before, and I almost didn't make it. I worry that she will have to go through similar things that I did. I know, deep in my heart though, that my trying to shield her is probably futile. I am here in between my sister and this world, and I am crying because I know I won't be able to protect her for long, simply because I have no right to. She has to find her own path in this world, and that sadly means knowing all kinds of pain in her life because that's the only way she will learn true strength.
I think of my younger brother as well, who I fear is going off the rails a little bit. We don't ever speak to each other, not even a 'hi' or a 'happy birthday' when the time calls for it, but I know him enough to be convinced that deep, deep down, he's a good person mixed in with the wrong crowd. I know that he could be so much more than he is and that he could do amazing things with his life if he just took control of it and respected himself more. When we were little kids, he told me of a dream he had once. I remember it quite vaguely. He told me there was a snake in front of him, and God had given him the command to crush it, and he did with the tool he had in his hands. I also had a dream about him recently, and I can't remember it much either, but I know that it had to do with my brother and God promoting him spiritually. I feel strongly that God loves him deeply and has an incredible plan for his life, but I also feel like my brother is not responding.
Even though my siblings and I get into arguments, at the end of the day, I take my role as the big sister seriously and with pride. I look out for them as much as I can, and if push ever came to shove, I would sacrifice to protect and provide for them as much as I know how. I love the both of them, and it hurts my heart in so many places thinking about how heavy the world is on both their shoulders. I wish I could carry their worlds for them but I know that they need to pave their own way in life, that they need to fall down over and over again because that's the only way they will learn - learn to love or to hate, to forgive or to hold on to grudges, to hold onto hope or to despair - that is their choice. However, I believe that the best thing I can do for them both is to walk beside them in the most gentle and non-judgmental way I know how, and with my highest hopes show them through my life that despite this broken and shattered world, it is still a beautiful and magical life after all. As for these tears of mine, all I can do is offer them to God and simply know and trust that He loves them infinitely more than I do and that He has their lives under control. My prayer in the past and my prayer now is that He will protect and love them utterly like nothing and no one else can and reveal to them the real Father's heart, the Father's heart which breaks when he sees any of His children in pain.
Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
Harold Whitman
What’s difficult in life is to stay centered when somebody does or says something that tempts us to close our hearts because their heart was closed. That is hard. But that is also how we grow. We go through those circumstances in order to evolve into people who can hold to our loving center no matter what the world throws us.
Marianne Williamson
I know when I become angry at this
world for the wrong reasons, I'm closing my heart and eyes to the beauty
left in this world.
Yours truly
Have a listen and be blessed:
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