Saturday, February 5, 2011

We will rise (R.I.P Matt Paquette)

I was looking on someone's tumblr tonite and I found out this guy named Matthew Paquette who was the lead singer of Canadian metal band 'Beheading of a King' passed away. He was only 20 years old. Looking at his memorial photo, I felt a wave of sadness wash over me because it is widely said that he committed suicide. I didn't know of him or his band until now, but I can't shake off this feeling of deep sorrow. All of a sudden all these thoughts and questions pile into my head: Why did he do it? What about his friends and family...did he not find any of them or anything worth living for? I wonder how his family, friends, band, girlfriend and everyone who knew him is dealing with this? He was just so young and had so many years of his life left living to make it something beautiful and unforgettable. He could have gone far.

All these thoughts then started to get me thinking about the bigger picture. How many young people take their own lives because of depression, because of people who tease them, because they don't feel pretty enough, or skinny enough, or man enough, or not enough at all? Because they lose hope? Because no one is there for them to pull them back from death, or show them that they genuinely care? Because they don't have the promise of a God who can help them through all this pain and give them eternal life? They lose purpose. I'm thinking of all the people I've read about who have killed themselves, and honestly, I am so fustrated and sad about it. I wish I could have known them before they committed suicide so I could hug them and tell them of the beautiful life waiting for them if they just hold on. To show them the door of life and love and not death and darkness. I can't imagine how it would feel to kill yourself, and in those last fleeting moments of your life be alone, depressed and crying. I wish this never existed (but it does). I wish everyone had hope (but they don't). I wish everyone can open up to the beautiful life God has waiting for them (but they won't).

I'll bare my all, because I have nothing to hide. I have a story of a God who can conquer mountains and whose love can surpass death. I have felt suicidal many times before. It was during times when I was going through a deep depression. I wouldn't get out of bed for days and all I would do is sleep and think dark thoughts. My family problems were crushing me down, my past was haunting me, I felt unloved and alone, and I couldn't find reason to get up in the morning or live. In my eyes, I was ugly and not worth anything. Even though I had a good social life and had all I needed, I still felt unhappy. It feels so vague now, and writing about it now feels like I am talking about someone else. A ghost Jenny. I remember thinking about ways to end my life...and then I would think about how my friends and family would deal with it, and all of a sudden I would shake out of it and step away from it all. I am so glad that I did. Someone once said that suicide doesn't take away the pain, it just passes on the pain to others. It's so true. I would of hated to burdan my mum who had enough worries to think about, scar my gorgeous 9 year old sister or make my friends feel the pain of loss. Not only would it cause them possible sadness, but I'd imagine they would feel also feel such emotions as anger (Why me?), inadeqaucy (Was I not enough to stop herself from suicide?), regret (I should have said something) and confusion (Why did she do it? What did her faith mean, then?).

I'm lucky to have had a friend be there for me throughout the whole process. I know I would have been one step further to actually doing something if she wasn't walking through the darkness with me, side by side. She was the only person I could unload my deepest thoughts and darkest past hurts to. I told her I felt suicidal. And she felt with me. She cried with me. She helped hold me up. She encouraged me. She loved me. Even though I felt abandoned by God, I felt like she was an angel sent to bring me back to Him. In all honesty, some days she was the only thing that kept me going on like I did. There's no right words to express the gratitude I feel for having a friend like that pull me back from the pits of death, who I am still close friends with now. No matter what I am going through, on days when I struggle, get depressed, feel lonely or feel like giving up, I know I can tell her everything and she will be there for me. She doesn't judge me, force me to get help or shove advice in my face. She simply tells me in a gentle voice, 'Don't lose hope.' And I don't.
Knowing I have someone there for me, who will listen to me, is so valueble. It feels like I am the owner of something rare and priceless. It was this that made the difference. It was this that helped me choose life over death.

I'll tear up thinking of the people in this world who killed themselves because they never had this kind of companionship, or longed for it or needed it but never knew they did. I want to be that person for someone. No, we WILL be that person for someone. I can't bear to think of my friends committing suicide for the want of a loving soul, a real loving soul. I know many people will have a lot of friends but not enough authentic friends, if any. I want to be considered an aunthentic friend.
A person who loves without judgement or condition.
A person who doesn't act like a pretentious, wise-ass 'christian,' shoving advice in everyone's face ('You should do this, but you can't do that.' - None of this!)
A person who takes the time to listen to people and try to understand what they are going through.
A person who is willing to help someone in need, whatever the sacrifice.
A person whose words flow with love, hope, grace and healing from the fountain of life that comes from God and His word.
A person who hugs in the most meaningful way, as if to say 'I've been waiting a long time to do this. You are worth it. You are loved.'
A person who smiles, smiles and smiles.
A person who looks at people not with the 'I'm better than you' look, but with the 'You are beautiful and special and all sorts of amazing and I would love to get to know you' look. Yes, that's a look.
A person who has the attitude of openness and positivity about everything so people can approach them without feeling intimidated.
A person who will cry, laugh, smile and feel pain, all the times you do.
A person who will take a firm hold of your hand, as if to say 'I care. I really do. And I'm not scared to.'
A person who welcomes and loves the people they meet with arms open wide, and treat them as if they valued, special and beautiful and are worth every sacrifice. Because they are, and already have been ransomed for.
I know God sends us to show all these things, and more. I know everytime one of these things happen, humanity is the better for it, hope gains a little more meaning, and life is a little more worth living. You just never know who you can influence and impact just by doing something like that...and oh, if it saved a life!

I don't know everyone in the world who is thinking about suicide. I can't. I don't know everyone in the world who is committing suicide as you read this. I can't. I don't have enough global influence to tell the people who are losing hope that their life is worth more than this. I don't. But I can do something from the One who knows and have all these things. He uses people. He wants to use me, He wants to use you and He wants to use the Church. Finally, I feel like I just put a puzzle piece in the right place. The bigger picture has become a little clearer.

Why are we taught to love? Why is it the greatest commandment? Heavy question, and Bible scholars and philosophers and such probably have reasoned and well-developed answers to this question. This is my idea of an answer. To bring people out of a place of the hell of depression, sadness, loneliness, anger, pain, regret, worthlessness...where death seems like the only option to escape from it all...to a place where love and hope and joy reigns over all of these things, to a place where you know you are meant to last for eternity, to a place where you are protected and cherished by the Almighty Father, to a place where life has meaning, everyday.

For those who are are thinking of killing themselves,
for those who are questioning what their worth is,
for those who are losing faith in humanity,
for those who are fighting for a line of hope,
We will rise and love with vengeance.

Who's with me?

Listen to: The Almost - Dirty and Left Out

16 comments:

  1. I don't have a idea how I ran into this. But seems to me you believe in God?
    It's really nice of you for saying all this. You can touch peoples hearts through this and actually change their life around. It gives them hope...and I'm definitely with you on this. God bless you, Jenny.

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  2. Thank you! I'm grateful that you are with me on this. You are lovely <3

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  3. Gods Gift For you Is to Help people With depression And Sad Things (:

    You Might End up Helping Someone Who then Later In Life Becomes Famous All thanks To you .

    This Really Touched My Heart (:

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  4. Thank you for your faith in love and hope. I'm really glad it moved you =]

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  5. Matt was an atheist, we believe in the same thing. God could not save him. Nor anyone else.

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  6. I am aware that he was. This blog was aimed to encourage people and particularly believers to love more and be a true friend to those around them whether they are atheist or not.
    I will have to disagree with you on the last part because I do believe he could of been saved. God loves him as much as he loves me.

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  7. I get the feeling that you are trying to defend Matt and his atheism/your atheism. This blog is not about him or atheism. It is looking at the bigger picture of young people around the world who are thinking about suicide, and what humanity can do to help from my christian perspective. You are picking at just my religion, and I don't know what you are trying to acheive from that.

    Yes, I agree Matt had free will. Do you think God made him do this to himself? Everyone has free will, it's just what you do with it that matters, and I choose to believe.

    We are not brain dead because we don't drip feed whatever is given to us. We think and analyse. We are not stubborn because we try to stop being selfish all the time and surrender to God every moment. And we are not ignorant, pieces of shit. People I know who are Christian are more socially aware than most people I know, and aren't afraid to do something about it.

    All I want to say is that I am not angry that you or Matt are atheist. I accept that, I am fine with that. No one is here to judge you. So can't I be a Christian and want to make a positive impact to those who are suicidal? Is that not okay too?

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  8. More socially aware? LOL. You believe in a magical space god that sent himself in man form on a suicide mission, performed a bunch of magical shit, and then essentially committed suicide himself. Socially aware is not the correct term. Gullible, yes.

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  9. The definition of social awareness is: "to be aware of the problems that different societies and communities face on a day-to-day basis; to be conscious of the difficulties and hardships of society." What does a 'space god on a suicide mission' have to do with anything about being socially aware?

    Another correction, Jesus did not commit suicide. Suicide is often committed out of despair, Jesus died because of love. Two very different things, my friend.

    Please do not insult my faith or God by posting comments like this. Otherwise, you can stop being an anonymous keyboard warrior and we can have a mature discussion about this.

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  10. Jenny, i love you for this. Haha

    I'm not homeboy or homegirl with all the negativity though.
    I'm the one who posted the first comment.
    I've read this blog about a dozen times now. Maybe more.
    Everytime I read this I begin to get chills. But its not random chills. It's God moving through you to me. Your words and just eveything you said is just amazing. Beyond words can describe. I really hope people open their eyes
    and see what they're missing out on. I wish more people would just give God
    a chance. Well I know our God is going to use you so much more :) kbaiii

    -David

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  11. Aww David. This means more to me than you will ever know. I was in China when I wrote this and I felt a powerful urge to write down all my thoughts, so thank you for supporting what God used me to do.
    I wish people would know how great our God is too. That they would know he is stronger than death and hatred.
    I don't know you but I'm in like with you! Thank you so much.

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  12. Thank you so much for this, it really does make people feel better. I read this and it had so much effect on me and I had to show my friend this who was going through similar problems. Thank you. We are both with you.

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  13. Wow thank you so much for you two and your support :) This means a lot to me and I will be praying for you.

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  14. It disappoints me that you believe that what I talk about is religion, because I hate religion. I have a relationship with God and that's it, nothing more, nothing less. I don't think I'm better than anyone just because I am Christian. Before I truly came to know God, I was living in depression. I was suicidal because of the physical, sexual and mental abuse caused by my family, particularly my father. To ease the pain, I took drugs, I got drunk almost every weekend, I did extreme things to lose weight, I let myself get taken advantage of by men and I illegally clubbed, all starting at the age of 14. I believed the world was cruel and that there was no end to the pain and emptiness I was living in. I blamed God for everything that happened to me. Still He remained faithful and I can say with confidence that he reached out His hand and saved my life. I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for Him.

    You're right - I don't know why Matt killed himself and I can't even begin to comprehend what pain and despair he must of felt before those final moments of his life. I'm sorry if I offended you. I didn't mean to come off as someone who preached my religion on people. In fact, I hate it when people do that. I was just deeply saddened by Matt's death and wanted to share my testimony and help someone who was feeling suicidal because I know someone greater than their pain who can set them free and heal them.

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  15. *To anyone who is going to post a disrespectful comment*: I'm boring and I don't, nor ever will, have the intention to add fuel to the fire and say something offensive. If you try to wind me up, you will be disappointed. If you try to insult God, you will find that I will still believe and fight for him and nothing will change that. I hope this will save you the time and effort in typing up a hateful comment.

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  16. I'm gonna go ahead and laugh my ass off at those people posting hate comments as anonymous authors. Obviously they really feel theyve got it all figured out, but it truly seems they are just angry due to their pre existing ignorance. Me myself, I am borderline atheist/Christian and one thing I know (whether God is real or not) is that the work and life of somebody with a Christian mindset will go a lot further and do a lot more good than someone that goes denouncing others faiths and, positivity, or love. Kudos Jenny, thanks for the touching input on this subject.

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