For the most part of 2011, I learnt a lot about myself, but I especially, and mostly, I learnt a lot about God.
I went through a very tough time during the beginning of the year when everything in my life felt like it was going down a whirlpool. I had just came back from China and had the plans to go to University and study communications, a dream that I had been adament of acheiving ever since I was in year 11. However, there were multiple reasons why I was unable to do it, and so I relied on God to lead me somewhere where he wanted me to be. Looking back, all that time I had my own dreams, I never took into account if it clashed with God's will. It's never easy, giving up your own ambitions, your parent's ambitions for you and your friends ambitions for you to pursue God's ambitions for you where most of the time, you are thrusted into the unknown. However, that lead me to Bible college. That's not to say life became easier since I started. I had $2000 owing plus other debts I didn't have the means to pay off. My friends didn't help me in the way I expected them too. My family left me alone to deal with my anxiety. My depression was stronger than ever. And just like I always did, I filled up that aching darkness in my heart with the world. It was really only through Bible college and the help of supportive people that I began to see a change in my heart and lifestyle. I can't begin to tell you how Bible college has changed my life. Everyday I learnt something new - about myself, about how I see the world, about how I see the Bible. Most of all, it taught me who God is. Reminiscing back to those days when I was studying, I remember the indescribable joy and peace I had from learning about and loving him, and allowing him to love me back.
It was only toward the end of the year that I could look back and see how God was really fighting for me through those trials and battles. He taught me to trust him, and through that trust came deliverance. He gave me the me the means to pay off all those debts. He delievered me from depression and now I am fully healed from it. He gave me opportunities to share my testimony and helps others who are in the same situation I was in. He opened his heart to me and I found joy in learning about his very being.
Even though I am backslidden, even though I feel like I don't even know where my faith is or who God is anymore, I can't tell anybody about how my year has really been without telling them about this. Do I long for those days again? Do I long to have my faith restored again? Yeah, I do, more than anything. I trust that I will return home again, but my only fear is when, and if it will be too late when I do.
To conclude, my 2011 has been one of battle. Not in any physical way at all, but most definitely in a spiritual sense. The battle of the forces of evil and the forces of good in my life has been thunderous this year, and looking back I do feel like I have been pulled back and forth between the two realms. It's sad to think that I was never really won, and that's what is most distressing of all. Anyway, enough with the depressing banter - I hope you all have a great new years! If 2011 was quite terrible, I hope 2012 will be so much better. And if your 2011 was great, I hope 2012 will be greater. Much love to you all!
Currently listening to: Bon Iver - Perth
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