Wilheim Scream.

"I don't know about my dreams anymore...all that I know is I'm falling, falling, falling."

Where can I begin? First of all, I want to be honest with everyone who is reading this right now - you are going to be the first to know what is going on in my life right now. It may seem like I am being dramatic, but I'm used to knowing that people don't really care about me or how I am apart from a couple of people I trust in the world more than anything. Isn't it sad that I don't begin to tell anyone but a blog all my deepest thoughts and worries? Maybe it's because a blog doesn't have a mind to judge or a mouth to condemn. Anyway, I feel safe being vulnerable here, and so I will be.

Ever since I came back from Wellington to see one of my good friends, I suddenly felt an abrupt change in the way I thought, spoke and act. That weekend in Wellington was one of the most craziest weekends I've ever had. Even though I prayed before I left that I would stay grounded, I knew in my heart I wouldn't, and I didn't. Drinking every day, clubbing, little sleep, pills, hook-ups and vanity were all mixed into that one weekend, and I couldn't help but be influenced by the people that surrounded me while I was there. Landing in Auckland, I didn't know how much I was changed by that brief lifestyle. I suddenly wanted to be like them - I wanted to feel and look hot, I wanted to party every chance I got, I wanted to play with boys and gain a reputation with them, regardless if it was good or bad. Most astounding of all, I found that my faith in God was almost completely lost. And maybe it still is. This terrifies me admitting it, but I feel like a demon has taken over my mind and it's darkness has shrouded what my faith means and everything I once believed in.

Suddenly, I put all my money into looking good.
I play with guys every chance I get.
I don't value sex or my body anymore.
My desire to go out and fill my body with toxic substances is increasing.
I'm ashamed of going to Bible college and don't even mention it anymore. And if I do, I shove it off like it's embarrassing.
Most heartbreakingly, I don't talk about God anymore, and I don't stand up for him. It's like I'm repellent of everything to do with Christianity now. The light and the goodness frightens me and I don't want to go near it.

Sitting here right now, I am wondering how 19 years of a relationship with God could be thrown away in a matter of 4 days. Can you sense how frightened I am? I'm anxious that I don't love God anymore. I have asked him to fight for me. I told him that if he loves me and I am valueble to him, that he will rescue me. But I have heard nothing, I have seen nothing, I have felt little.
I feel like my life is slowly swirling down the drain. I need your prayers so desperately. There is nothing I want more in this world right now than your prayer.