A familiar night.

Tonite is one of the many nights I've had crying over a boy. It is one too many, and I feel like I've already had my fair share of late nights & tears, but I guess that's just life.

I'm not going to go into great detail about what happened, but I'll just say it's quite similar to the very first time I had my heart broken, back during the middle of last year. That boy and this boy are quite similar, too - they are both older and mature. They are both charming. They are both well built. They are both a little bit rebellious. They are both seductive and like kryptonite to me - I can't say no to either of them. But this one, this one who I've got my eyes on - he didn't break my heart like that boy did. He didn't shut the door in my face like that boy did. He didn't make me feel unworthy and ugly like that boy did. In fact, he did the opposite. He made me feel beautiful and like I was the only girl in the world. He held me close and took care of me. He begged me not to leave. He asked about my life and listened when I told him. Another thing that that boy and this boy had in common was that they both weren't looking for a relationship. I felt myself falling for him anyway, and I told him that I didn't want to see him or talk to him anymore for fear of getting heartbroken again like last time. Being cautious didn't pay off because it broke my heart anyway when I finally realised a few weeks later that everything that people told me - that he was a player & using me, that he had me wrapped around his finger, that I was just another girl to him - was true.

I really am a fool for falling for him. I can't tell you how pathetic I felt when everyone found out that I was flying down to see him again and not just to see friends when I told them I was, but I guess that it was obvious. Even though I cancelled my ticket, even though I know I've been played, I still think about him all the time. If anything, the distance between us is one thing that is going for me right now, 'cause I know that if he lived here I would be completely oblivious to everything but him right now.

Seeing him tagged everywhere with my friends gives me a pang of jealousy and hurt, and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm tired of crying and being sad over him everywhere I go. I can't talk to other boys anymore because they're not him. I don't want to miss him or think about him anymore, 'cause even if it worked out between us it wouldn't work out anyway. I want to feel normal again, I want to pick up those broken pieces of the wall that was once around my heart and build them up again like I have done so many times before. Those feelings are all too familiar to me, and I know that it will take a few months or maybe more just like last time to finally be able to move on again.

No one really knows how hurt I am, not because they don't care, but because I don't have the words to express the mess of emotions I'm sinking in right now. I don't need someone to tell me 'I told you so'. I don't need someone to tell me I'm acting like baby. I don't need someone to tell me everything will be okay. I just wish someone would give me a big hug right now.

Currently listening to: Drake feat. Rihanna - Take Care