Later that day, I found it peculiar that my mum woke me up to tell me that. I have been going through another slip into depression again and for the first time in a very long time, I felt suicidal indeed. It's funny how mum's just know. I thought of ways to do it silently and without commotion to end this seemingly never-ending pain. Health, finance, family, heartbreak and confusion about where I am and why I wake up every morning took a massive toll on me and finally I admitted to myself with fear that I am at the very bottom of my life. That night where I completely broke down, crying to myself in agony in my bed, suicide filled my mind. But then I thought of my loved ones - my little sister Sarah, my best friends Ling and Anja and my mother, all who love me and all who I can't bear to inflict this pain on. I thought to myself that if I committed suicide, it would be selfish. It doesn't end the pain, as one quote says, it inflicts it onto others.
This morning, my mum came up into my room again and showed me a picture of the girl who had committed suicide. She was very pretty, and my mum told me she was smart too. She had a family who loved her and a young son. The father and her separated last year. My mum began going on, asking again to whoever and whatever was present, 'Why? It's so sad.' She said when you feel like you can't go on anymore, and that you can't even step over a line because you're on your knees, ask God to bring you over and see what He does. In my mind, when you ask God to do that, he's not beckoning you or trying to push you over. He's carrying you.
She went to say that Christians and non-Christians all face the same problems and that just because we have accepted God in our lives doesn't mean we are exempt from the trials of life. We all struggle and most go through depression, even greats from the Bible did. However, the way each of us can handle it is by our choices. Without God, I may not be able to handle the pain and think that suicide is the only way out. But with God, I can ask Him to give me the strength to carry on, and if need be, carry me over.
I remarked to my mum how funny it is that New Zealand has the complete freedom to preach the gospel, but how we have the highest youth suicide in the world. I'm not saying that it is Christianity's problem, but what is? Is it because we have not enough youth help lines? Is it because our message of love and hope aren't stressed enough? Is it because our youth culture places importance more on sex, drinking and drugs than on accepting each other for who they are?
As I looked at her picture, tears and sadness began to well up in me. It was just what it was - sad. I have been on the verge of killing myself, and if it weren't for the people who loved me so much, I wouldn't even be here today. It makes me think again that we can do a lot in someone's life just by saying some kind or encouraging words, because you never know what struggles someone is facing behind closed doors or in the secret of their heart. As people, we have this honorable responsibility to lift each other, love each other, pray for each other, listen to each other and cry with each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. We are all on a stormy journey, and we all need one another. We must rise to this agonizing problem in our countries and take a stand for life.
Seeing the blue sky outside, I am grateful for life despite my numerous burdens. I am grateful that I have been given this life, not by any means to endure, but to enjoy. If you are going through the same thing, remember that your life is so precious and valued, and if you don't think by anyone, by God. Sounds cliche right, but you came into the world just to be loved and with hopes that you will reflect that love back into the world, the way only you can. Your life is beautiful, and so are you. Live your life with love and joy and reflect your light - because it could just pull someone back from death.
Currently listening to: Ascend the Hill - Wind of God
