I feel like I'm falling, but I can't be sure.

Lately, my life has been a whirlwind of emotions. It's funny to think that around this time last year I was almost in the same situation as I am in now: a mess. Allow me to rant for a while.

I have a knack for spending too much money, and instead of saving, I am losing money rapidly. What makes it worse is that I brought a Macbook Pro 2 months ago, and it became faulty very soon and will cost an overwhelming and ridiculous $4100 to fix. This blows me away considering that the whole laptop itself is only $2800. Obviously this is not an option for me, but the trouble of having to get it fixed so soon is so unnecessary.
My brother is lashing out in hurt even more and is stealing constantly from myself and other family members. My mum is so stressed and my dad is never there.
I've cut out friends that only brought me down. It's sad for me, but I believe that it is also a necessary pain.
I applied for an internship at Come&Live, hoping they would answer soon, but it's been 2 months and they have not replied. I am worried about what to do for my future, about whether I heard God wrong or if I did something wrong and I have to settle with God's plan B for my life. I feel under pressure because I feel like everyone expects me to go to University for the sake of going to University. Last night, my brother and I had a confrontation and he said to me, 'You fail at school. You didn't even go to University.' It didn't hurt me when he said it, but it hurt me much later. The pressure of friends & family encouraging me to study there is weighing down on me more than they know. I know who I am, and where I want to go in life. I know that God doesn't want me to study there just to please everybody. I know that if studying there will not help me get closer to God's plan for my life, then I will be miserable and waste 3 years of my life which could've been used to actually getting out there. Am I a failure and a lesser being because I am not studying at University? I am not sure where I am going. I feel purposeless and like life is not worth living, and in this state I am close to breaking and giving in to the status quo if God doesn't let me know what is going on right now. Maybe it just takes a bit of patience, but that is something in my life that I lack.

I think that the only good thing that is going on in my life right now are my best friend and this man that I like very much. This one is so different to all other other guys I have dated, who I have liked and who have liked me. It's the same guy that have been talked about throughout my blog posts this year, but this time, everything has changed. I was torn up about him at first, and I'll admit that he was playing me in the beginning, but all that I have hoped for with him has come true. I love that he likes me back, because my feelings for him are stronger than what I have felt ever before for someone. When we bumped into each other when I was in Wellington and spent those times together, something felt so right and wonderful. To me, he was everything I wanted in a man, but the biggest box that he didn't tick was that he was not a Christian. I remember ever since I was young, when I wrote lists about what I wanted in a man, being a Christian was the most important thing. The thing is, my heart is with him, but my head is with God. Is this what all those prophecies about the godly man coming was all about? To keep me away from him? It's hard because rarely any boy comes close to God for me, but this one is special to me. I've been waiting for so long to have someone like him, and now he's here, it's not easy to let him go. Since Wellington, we have Skyped for hours and hours just talking about us and how it was going to work. I said it couldn't for a number of reasons: he has a bad reputation as a player and someone who sleeps with a lot of women, I can't trust him, he's not Christian and he lives so far away which would drive me crazy. My mind was on constant overdrive with the amount of questions I had about us, and about how much I could trust and love God to walk away from this man. When I decided to end it between us, I cried so much from the pain that I felt. I heard on the radio last night a woman who said, 'They say that it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. The people who said that didn't know what it feels like to lose someone. I wish I never loved you.' Although it wasn't love, that was what it felt like. The pain of losing someone you like so much is much worse, I believe, than never loving. I didn't hold on for long. I couldn't go on knowing that him and I could have something wonderful, and I decided to keep going with him. He's been so gracious, putting up with me being hot and cold and still liking me despite my confusing antics. Right now, I don't see this as being right or wrong, smart or dumb. I know what people see this as, just me being too blind to realise that this is all fake. But I know...I know that I will probably get hurt, that there is a high chance of it never working out. I know that God could give away the man he had for me to another woman. And I know that if I choose this man, God could also take away Come&Live and other amazing opportunities he had for my life. All those prophecies I had for my life came with an IF...IF I follow God's will for my life, and I know that this man isn't a part of it.

I am facing the most hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life, and I feel that God is not there. He has been predominately silent. I cry and pray and ask for something, but he doesn't say much. To me, He is like the angry father, waiting for me to come home so he can yell and hit me. I am angry at Him. I think this is all unfair. Last night, when my brother had stolen the money, I took a drive and cried, yelling at God. I asked Him why He had given me this family, this so-called brother, this so-called dad. I said I was angry and I hated Him for not helping or supporting me. I said that it was all not fair and that I have had enough of Him and I give up on Him. I had started smoking again because of all the stress.

Yesterday, I went to see my best friend Anja preach at a church in the morning. She had been stressed, but when she went up there and preached, everyone was blown away and touched. The topic she was talking about was how much can you trust God, and it spoke to me deeply. She shared the story of a little girl who loved and cherished more than anything the fake pearl necklace she was given. When her dad asked her one day if she would give them to him, she couldn't. The same thing happened another time, and the next time, she took them off and gave them to her dad. Her dad, to her surprised and joy, then took out and have her real pearls. Anja went on to say, what are your pearls? Do you know that God loves you enough so that you can trust Him with them? My pearl was this man that I liked and cared about beyond anything. And no, I said to myself, I don't trust God and I don't know that he loves me.
This morning, I got an email from a friend, Gary, who I was talking to yesterday at church about my situation. He is very wise and has been married to his wife for 35 years despite their crazy and rocky marriage. This is his email:

'Hi Jenny
Great to catch up yesterday at church.(The team and myself appreciate your bubbly enthusiasm which encourages us all).I have been thinking and praying about how things are with you.I really think the sermon about the pearl necklace is very relevant to you in this situation. Its not about if this is right or wrong, it is about you trusting God . He knows best and He will give it back if good for you or give you something better in due time. I really recommend a session with Hope at the healing rooms sooner than later as sometimes something that may be meeting a strong emotional need can distort our clear thinking. God , as a loving Father wants the best for you. Please trust Him as He can gently change and heal our hearts, with our permission.
LOL Gary.'

He had also told me yesterday that he had a picture, that when we walk the narrow path, wherever we may go or wherever it may lead us, there are hand railings - and those hand railings are God's love. It was beautiful to me, because even if you mess up and go way off track, there is still something to hold onto. God's love is still there, supporting us when we can't seem to stand up and keep going.
On the drive home from church with Anja, she said she was happy for me now and has stopped labelling my situation. She said that she doesn't want to label everything as right or wrong or categorise what was happening. She said she loved that this man was romancing me and taking care of me and is excited about me. It was so refreshing to have someone share my joy about this man. All my friends and family are worried about me more than anything and dampen the happiness that this man makes me feel, when I simply want them to stop stressing and be happy for me. All I know right now is that he gives me an indescribable feeling and I miss him.

Despite this mess, I'm keeping my head up and my heart strong. I know that as long as I have God, and my friends & family, everything will be okay.

'She was a smart girl, until she fell in love.'

Being heartbroken by someone is the worst feeling in the world.

  

  

Currently listening to: City and Colour - Little Hell

Amos 5:24

Today I found out that 200 men invaded and attacked this small village in China. That small village was where some of my family lived. The government wanted to forcefully take their property to make a pig farm, but because the people did not let them, they got angry and hired a couple hundred men to hurt them, with the intention to kill. They threw large rocks at them, beat them, and one person was stabbed five times so that his intestines came out. I saw some pictures today, and one house had a river of blood on the floor. The village including my family cannot go home, and are homeless at the moment. What's more, the government do not want this story to get out. They have told all reporters to not release this story, and cut off the village's internet so that it won't go international. It's so hearbreaking to hear because this is my family, who took care of me while I was in China. They don't deserve this...they are good people even though they are poor. I can't stop crying.

Please, if you are the praying type, I ask that you would pray for my family and the village right now. Even though they are not Christian, ask that God will be on their side. And ask that God would protect them, heal them so that they will all recover quickly, comfort them, strengthen them and restore to them what was lost. Pray that justice will be done in this situation. Most importantly, that they will come to know God.
I may not know if you pray,  but I deeply appreciate it if you do.

Taking a deep breath.

I am unofficially graduating Bible college in less than two weeks! While I will miss studying there as well as the amazing people, I am so ready and excited to embark on new adventures. However, I don't know what that adventure is just yet. I seriously considered studying theology at Victoria University in Wellington, but after getting down on my knees and praying about it, the 'yes' that I so wanted to hear from God settled into a clear 'no.' And somehow, I felt a great peace about that no. I asked my best friend to pray for me and see what God was saying to her about my future too, and she gave me an account of what had happened the next morning. She asked God, 'Do you want Jenny to study theology next year?'
'No.'
'Do you want Jenny to study at all?'
'No.'
What do you want Jenny to do?'
'Start soon...start now...Come&Live.'
Come&Live are a non-profit organization that works hand in hand with musicians that they sign and help them spread the kingdom of God through loving, giving, sharing and reviving. I have considered and researched the internships that they do but never imagined that this is what God would want me to do. The catch is, they only take 12 interns and they are based in Nashville, Tennessee...in America. Seeing my surprise, my best friend added, 'But you have to get an answer for yourself.'

That night, I got down on my knees again and asked God, 'Do you want me to do Come&Live?'
The answer came immediately. 'Yes.'
Just to make sure, I rebuked any satanic or demonic forces and my thoughts that were influencing this answer. And I asked God not once but three times if this was really His will for me. You could say that I couldn't believe it and my questioning Him was really a tactic to allow this answer to sink in for me. Finally, after manifesting and speaking in tongues, I heard Him say, 'Go in peace. I will pave the way for you.' Immediately, I thought of the words spoken to Joshua by God in Joshua 1:9:

'Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.'

I then asked God when I should start, and I really felt that it was in six months because He had said, 'Start soon.' I saw encouraging visions soon afterward that made me feel so at peace with this answer and revelation.

As huge a news as this is, I still don't want to take any chances and put a toe out of God's will for my life. My mum, who I asked to pray for me, said she had prayed for me to make the right decision and we had a good talk today about this situation. She said a really encouraging thing to me. She said that when she prays about my little sister, she gets the feeling that she will be a pastor's wife, serving and helping people. But when she prays for me, she gets a different vision. She feels that I am going to be active in bringing people into God's kingdom, like a tool He uses anywhere He wants to use it. I asked her, then, why she felt surprised and worried when I told her that I might be going to the US and she answered me with solemness, 'Because you are so young.'

I really feel that God has equipped me with gifts and a unique way of thinking that will prepare me for anything that God has appointed me to. I have thought about this a lot, and although I am scared if this is all to be fulfilled, it's the good kind of scared. The kind of scared that you feel when you are about to parachute off a plane. The kind of scared that you feel when you fall too fast down a waterslide. The kind of scared that you feel when you are about to embark on a new adventure, as I am doing now. Two things need to happen before I am to internship at Come&Live, however: First, that a trusted mentor of mine prays and gets confirmation from God that this is His will and second, that I, of course, get accepted as a intern at Come&Live. 

It feels like I'm taking a deep breath before the dive, and it's a good kind of scared.

Currently listening to: Jon Foreman - Your Love Is Strong