This 2010 has really started off rocky for me. My emotions have been all over the place, and I'm only just starting to get used to it.
And because of this toil, and I know it sounds so cliche, but I've learnt so much to depend on God. Yes, my friends have been there, and I have confessed some of what I'm feeling, but no one else does it like God does. This blog is to tell you what I'm learning while I walk through this valley.
I've been crying... but I saw somewhere that ever since birth, crying has always been a sign that you're alive. It's a way for me to release the pain, the anger, the hurt...and it's so okay. We don't have to be strong all the time. Even heroes need their days off.
I've learnt even more so that people will disappoint. They will say the wrong things, and you will say the wrong things. We aren't perfect, just human. But God, oh God.. even though you may talk to Him and he seems silent and far away, when He does speak He tells you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. And it's always the right thing. On top of that, He won't give you what you want when you want it, no matter how badly you do. It's about knowing that He knows what is best for you. It hurts Him as much as it hurts you. But it's all part of the process of becoming the person He has in mind for you... strong, beautiful, spirit-filled, unshakable, amoung many other things.
I've learnt to be honest with God. I've learnt that if you feel like talking to Him isn't helping, tell Him that. If you feel angry at Him, tell Him that you are and why you are. God will be happy that you are being honest with Him. In fact, I think it is a way of praise. Because when you tell Him your innermost thoughts, good and bad, it shows you trust Him..it shows that you know He can handle it, because He can..it shows that you love Him enough to be honest with Him. Look at the book of Psalms. David did not just praise God for His goodness..he was angry at Him, he complained to Him, he was upset and disappointed with Him, he told Him all his thoughts without hesistation, even if they sounded hurtful. God can handle it. He just wants your honesty.
I've learnt to stay away from things that will only offer me temporary fulfillment. I've been buying so much junk, I've been drowning myself in looking good, I've been eating alot. It hasn't been good. I find that in the end I'm only digging a deeper hole for myself. I'm going to try to stop going on the laptop for so long...stop buying!...stop drowning my sorrows in food. And look to God. Look to Him for my fulfillment and happiness and joy and strength. Not when all else fails, but in everything that He may be my first and last.
Lastly, I've learnt even more that this is not my Home. And it's funny, because my Korean name 'Chum Heung' translates to 'Finding Home' in english. The more I thought about it, the more I shoved it out of my head cause I already knew Home was Heaven. But I was wrong. Finding Home isn't knowing where's Home. Finding Home is the journey towards it. I went to Whangamata for new years, and everyone was drinking and having a good time. They looked so much at home to me, they looked so in there place. And even though I did what they did, I still felt out of the loop. The next day, I sat by the river and just had still time, and I felt so at home with myself. I felt peaceful and happy, more than was when I was with people. It was probably the highlight of my trip. C.S. Lewis puts how I felt that moment perfectly when he said,
'If I find in myself desires which nothing in the world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.'
It's hard, I'm not going to lie. I'm being furnaced, and the fire is burning away all my nonsense, all my junk, all my impurities. The best part is, I know what will become of me after I finally come out: pure, precious and priceless gold. It will proclaim God's goodness and love. And my hope is that anyone is who in the same place as me will just hold fast and believe, in the very deepest meaning, in hope, faith and love. I don't know everything, I am still far from finished. These are just the words of a girl who is going through the dark with God at the moment and wants to offer some sort of hope for those who are too...
'So now, all alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too. '
Patricia, 'P.S I Love You'
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