Seperation anxiety.

I came back from a retreat in beautiful Ngongotaha on Sunday. Me and my youth group enjoyed amazing food, scenery and fellowship. One thing that I particularly enjoyed was talking to a friend about the sins and troubles I was dealing with in my life. She said to me, something along the lines of, 'You try make everybody happy, but you have to ask yourself, 'What makes me happy?'

Sometimes when I feel hurt or sad or angry, I need to feel the cold wind on my skin (with a smoke and tea on top of that). It's a perfect way for me to clear my head and, I guess, progress in my life. Tonite I did just that. Thinking about what my friend said, I realised that I needed to cut the crap out of my life - people that only bring me down and habits that only make things worse. I'm going to hold on to what keeps me warm inside. I'm going to do what makes me happy, I thought.

Yet it is so hard when I'm only 18 and I already have debts coming out of nowhere this year. On top of my course, I can't pay for a $400 fine and owe someone $200 for the towing company (I stupidly took my dad's car to town and the key broke). This just gives me a panic attack. My family have been on my back about everything and it seems like I have no one to go to. My eyes have been greatly opened about who my true friends are - the ones who actually care and want to listen to your problems. In a world of increasing selfishness and pride, the ones who love and care are hard for me to find.

As I was watching the stars above me and feeling the chill wind seep through my clothes onto my skin, I decided once again to give all my problems to God. Even though I complain and blame him for all this pain, I trust Him. I do. Everything in my life that has happened or is happening God has allowed. The thing is, I try to pass these trials with my own strength when the beautiful thing is, I could have drawn on His strength, His protection, His providence. That's what I pray I do. That, and also focusing on the good things in my life.
Sometimes our problems make us short-sighted so we don't see how good God is or the blessings right in front of our eyes. It's easy to say, 'Man my life is so crap right now, nothing is going right' and so forth, but there are so many things going for us that other people would kill to have. I say this so many times (and yet I always forget it) but everyday there is food on my table, clothes to keep me warm and clean air to breathe in. It's so easy to exaggerate our problems and so hard to count our incredible blessings.

Currently listening to: Ascend The Hill - Be Thou My Vision