16 never-mentioned-before facts about me.

1. The band that has most impacted my life like no other is Underoath. When I was going through a hard time with depression, their album 'Define The Great Line' gave me hope and light in my darkness. When I felt like I could turn to no one and nothing else, I turned to that album. Even though I don't like Underoath's new music, they are and always will be a big part of my life.

2. Funny fact: When I was younger, for some reason I was quite hairy. I had bad facial hair especially. People used to call me 'moustache lady' and I also had a nice monobrow going on. Even though I hated it, looking back now I find it very amusing.

3. The first band I ever saw live was Fall Out Boy, 5 years ago in 2007.

4. I can't eat a lot of seafood as it's bad for my skin (as I have ezcema). What makes it hard is that seafood is a favourite of mine, so I eat way too much of it anyway.

5. On the subject of ezcema, I've had it since I was a child. The doctors said that it would go away as I got older, but it's gotten worse instead. I've done tests but still don't know why I have it or why it continues to get worse. This is the reason I always, always wear stockings, no matter how hot it is or weird it looks - I'm insecure about my skin.

6. My mum is the co-owner and sometimes chef of a Vietnamese resturaunt called 'Halong Vietnamese Resturaunt', and my dad is a tiler and painter.

7. I'm Chinese and Vietnamese but was born in South Korea and raised in New Zealand. I hope to live somewhere else when I'm older, like New York for the fast-paced city lifestyle or somewhere in France for the quaintness.

8. Aside from the fear of losing someone I love, I have a huge fear of bees and wasps. I will either run, cry or panic if I see one close by.

9. I have two very small tattoos: one of an anchor on my ring finger of my right hand representing hope as the anchor for my soul, and one of an upside down cross on the back of my neck (no, it is not the sign of the anti-Christ, obviously). I got it because I liked the symbolism that it has in Catholic tradition (St. Peter's cross). I do want more, but they are a luxury.

10. I'm a jealous person. (It took me only til recently to realise this).

11. When I was little, I was quite a tomboy. I had no sisters or female relatives my age to play with, so I hung around with boys a lot (which explains why I prefer hanging out with them now). I used to climb trees, ride my bike and rollerblade everywhere, catch locusts and force them to swim in a bucket full of water and play with binoculars and water pistols. I was also cheeky, and I remember taking out all the letters out of my neighborhood's letter boxes and swapping them.

12. The best presents I've receieved are ones that people have made for me. Paintings, scrapbooks, cards etc - they are the most cherished.

13. My dream car is a Jeep wrangler.

14. When I was in primary school, I wanted to be an archaeologist because I was fascinated with dinosaurs. I also wanted to be an astronomer as I loved learning about outer space. As I grew older, it changed to wanting to become a writer and illustrator, to a PR type person for a music company, a photo-journalist and now to be an ambassader for an aid organisation like World Vision or Tear Fund. Working at Come&Live! would also rule.

15. I have to have a shower everyday.

16. My huge celebrity crushes have ranged from Hayden Christensen from Star Wars, Spencer Chamberlain from Underoath and Julian Casablancas and Nick Valensi from The Strokes. Right now, I have a crush on Hodgy Beats from OFWGKTA (photo below).

:)

I had an amazing weekend. On Friday I went to a sushi resturaunt in town with Jayesh and then afterward saw some rad bands play at my favourite bar & club Cassette 9. Even though I had a couple of hours sleep, the next day I was amped for Parachute with my two girls Anja and Kate. What made the whole experience unforgettable was not only the bands (Ascend The Hill and The Chariot especially blew my mind), the atmosphere and the famaliar faces I saw, but being with two people I loved dearly and sharing laughs and new memories with them. I can't think of two better people I could have shared this experience with.

On the whole, things in my life and slowly and surely getting better, particularly in my spiritual life. God has been leading me back into relationship with Him and it feels amazing. The little truths He has spoken to me here and there through people, nature and His Word have been pompting me to come back into His arms again, but the worship with Ascend The Hill and the prayers that followed were really what made me truly decide to come back to God again.
One thing that comes to mind when I look back on my tumultous few months I've had that I want to share with you guys is what I heard from a young youth leader at a church I was at a couple of months ago. Basically what she said was this: In the very beginning of time, Eve ate the forbidden fruit because she had doubted God's goodness - there was a sense of doubt in her heart that what God had already given her was not enough. There was a belief that God was holding back on her that made her fall into sin, and sometimes, we can be like that too. I'd be the first to admit that Eve's doubt is a very real thing in my life.
There are times in our walk with God that we look at the world in all it's glitter and glory and wonder if what we have with God is really it. We ask ourselves, 'Am I missing out on all the real fun? Is God holding back on me?' and, succumbing into temptation, we venture into the world to find out, only to walk down the road of sin and destruction and walk further away from God. The truth is, a truth that would have saved humanity, is that what we have with God is goodness is all it's entirety. Life with Him is the only life that satisfies, is the only life that brings wholeness and peace and real happiness. What we have is true life. I think the world makes the slogan 'a life lived to the full' to mean sex, partying, lots of money and even travel and adventure, but I firmly believe that a life lived to the full is a life lived in true relationship with God. He is the best that we can get, and beyond anything we can dream of. He isn't holding back on us - He is giving us everything. And I think that's worth pursuing and sticking around for.

Lastly, I also want to thank everyone who has thought about me, prayed for me and encouraged me during those rough months I've had. Also, for putting up with my depressing posts lately haha. I got my $900 back too, just p.s. Thank God! But really, I appreciate you all and I can't expess my gratitude enough.

At Parachute 2012 with Anja and Kate.

Currently listening to: Ascend The Hill - Come Like You Promised

Draining.

I feel so depleted right now.

Last week, I found out that someone had hacked into my online bank account and scammed $900 into their account, or phantom account. Part of that money was my student loan, and one of my deans emailed me yesterday and asked me to give the money in this week which, if my bank doesn't sort out soon, won't be possible. I'm doing some phone calls tomorrow so hopefully the whole situation will be in control by then. If you are the praying type, it would be super appreciated if you pray for me and for the whole situation to work out. More so, for peace and a stronger trust in God.

I also found out today from a good friend of mine more about the guy from the previous blog post. Apparantly he's sleeping with another girl I know, and he lied about having a relation to me. My friend also admitted he never talks about me and only wanted to play around with me. Even though it hurt hearing all that, I know my friend has the best intentions at heart for me, and I really do appreciate her honesty... but all those sad and lonely nights I've had, all those affectionate thoughts I've had about him, all the hope I had that he wasn't like everyone told me he was and that I was different has spiraled down the drain and squeezed me dry. It sounds pathetic and typical of me to say so, but prior to hearing all this my self-esteem took a low when I realised that I wasn't as pretty as people made me out to be. Having my friends being chosen over me, or being second best - the uglier friend, is quite disheartening at times. I understand now why I've been played with and rejected so many times. I'm really not much at all, plus my confidence in myself is quite low.

This whirlwind of emotions - rejected, worthless, ugly, plain - mixed with the loss of a considerable sum of money for my study is getting me get so sad and blue. I feel like work is taking over my life, my faith is weak, my sleeping pattern has gone haywire again and I'm starting to smoke constantly. I feel and look sick, inside and out.
I just want to sleep and only wake up when it's ready to go home.

Currently listening to: Drake - Sooner Than Later

A familiar night.

Tonite is one of the many nights I've had crying over a boy. It is one too many, and I feel like I've already had my fair share of late nights & tears, but I guess that's just life.

I'm not going to go into great detail about what happened, but I'll just say it's quite similar to the very first time I had my heart broken, back during the middle of last year. That boy and this boy are quite similar, too - they are both older and mature. They are both charming. They are both well built. They are both a little bit rebellious. They are both seductive and like kryptonite to me - I can't say no to either of them. But this one, this one who I've got my eyes on - he didn't break my heart like that boy did. He didn't shut the door in my face like that boy did. He didn't make me feel unworthy and ugly like that boy did. In fact, he did the opposite. He made me feel beautiful and like I was the only girl in the world. He held me close and took care of me. He begged me not to leave. He asked about my life and listened when I told him. Another thing that that boy and this boy had in common was that they both weren't looking for a relationship. I felt myself falling for him anyway, and I told him that I didn't want to see him or talk to him anymore for fear of getting heartbroken again like last time. Being cautious didn't pay off because it broke my heart anyway when I finally realised a few weeks later that everything that people told me - that he was a player & using me, that he had me wrapped around his finger, that I was just another girl to him - was true.

I really am a fool for falling for him. I can't tell you how pathetic I felt when everyone found out that I was flying down to see him again and not just to see friends when I told them I was, but I guess that it was obvious. Even though I cancelled my ticket, even though I know I've been played, I still think about him all the time. If anything, the distance between us is one thing that is going for me right now, 'cause I know that if he lived here I would be completely oblivious to everything but him right now.

Seeing him tagged everywhere with my friends gives me a pang of jealousy and hurt, and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm tired of crying and being sad over him everywhere I go. I can't talk to other boys anymore because they're not him. I don't want to miss him or think about him anymore, 'cause even if it worked out between us it wouldn't work out anyway. I want to feel normal again, I want to pick up those broken pieces of the wall that was once around my heart and build them up again like I have done so many times before. Those feelings are all too familiar to me, and I know that it will take a few months or maybe more just like last time to finally be able to move on again.

No one really knows how hurt I am, not because they don't care, but because I don't have the words to express the mess of emotions I'm sinking in right now. I don't need someone to tell me 'I told you so'. I don't need someone to tell me I'm acting like baby. I don't need someone to tell me everything will be okay. I just wish someone would give me a big hug right now.

Currently listening to: Drake feat. Rihanna - Take Care