A familiar night.

Tonite is one of the many nights I've had crying over a boy. It is one too many, and I feel like I've already had my fair share of late nights & tears, but I guess that's just life.

I'm not going to go into great detail about what happened, but I'll just say it's quite similar to the very first time I had my heart broken, back during the middle of last year. That boy and this boy are quite similar, too - they are both older and mature. They are both charming. They are both well built. They are both a little bit rebellious. They are both seductive and like kryptonite to me - I can't say no to either of them. But this one, this one who I've got my eyes on - he didn't break my heart like that boy did. He didn't shut the door in my face like that boy did. He didn't make me feel unworthy and ugly like that boy did. In fact, he did the opposite. He made me feel beautiful and like I was the only girl in the world. He held me close and took care of me. He begged me not to leave. He asked about my life and listened when I told him. Another thing that that boy and this boy had in common was that they both weren't looking for a relationship. I felt myself falling for him anyway, and I told him that I didn't want to see him or talk to him anymore for fear of getting heartbroken again like last time. Being cautious didn't pay off because it broke my heart anyway when I finally realised a few weeks later that everything that people told me - that he was a player & using me, that he had me wrapped around his finger, that I was just another girl to him - was true.

I really am a fool for falling for him. I can't tell you how pathetic I felt when everyone found out that I was flying down to see him again and not just to see friends when I told them I was, but I guess that it was obvious. Even though I cancelled my ticket, even though I know I've been played, I still think about him all the time. If anything, the distance between us is one thing that is going for me right now, 'cause I know that if he lived here I would be completely oblivious to everything but him right now.

Seeing him tagged everywhere with my friends gives me a pang of jealousy and hurt, and I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm tired of crying and being sad over him everywhere I go. I can't talk to other boys anymore because they're not him. I don't want to miss him or think about him anymore, 'cause even if it worked out between us it wouldn't work out anyway. I want to feel normal again, I want to pick up those broken pieces of the wall that was once around my heart and build them up again like I have done so many times before. Those feelings are all too familiar to me, and I know that it will take a few months or maybe more just like last time to finally be able to move on again.

No one really knows how hurt I am, not because they don't care, but because I don't have the words to express the mess of emotions I'm sinking in right now. I don't need someone to tell me 'I told you so'. I don't need someone to tell me I'm acting like baby. I don't need someone to tell me everything will be okay. I just wish someone would give me a big hug right now.

Currently listening to: Drake feat. Rihanna - Take Care

My 2011.

This year I have taken giant leaps forward...and eventually a giant leap back.
For the most part of 2011, I learnt a lot about myself, but I especially, and mostly, I learnt a lot about God.

I went through a very tough time during the beginning of the year when everything in my life felt like it was going down a whirlpool. I had just came back from China and had the plans to go to University and study communications, a dream that I had been adament of acheiving ever since I was in year 11. However, there were multiple reasons why I was unable to do it, and so I relied on God to lead me somewhere where he wanted me to be. Looking back, all that time I had my own dreams, I never took into account if it clashed with God's will. It's never easy, giving up your own ambitions, your parent's ambitions for you and your friends ambitions for you to pursue God's ambitions for you where most of the time, you are thrusted into the unknown. However, that lead me to Bible college. That's not to say life became easier since I started. I had $2000 owing plus other debts I didn't have the means to pay off. My friends didn't help me in the way I expected them too. My family left me alone to deal with my anxiety. My depression was stronger than ever. And just like I always did, I filled up that aching darkness in my heart with the world. It was really only through Bible college and the help of supportive people that I began to see a change in my heart and lifestyle. I can't begin to tell you how Bible college has changed my life. Everyday I learnt something new - about myself, about how I see the world, about how I see the Bible. Most of all, it taught me who God is. Reminiscing back to those days when I was studying, I remember the indescribable joy and peace I had from learning about and loving him, and allowing him to love me back.

It was only toward the end of the year that I could look back and see how God was really fighting for me through those trials and battles. He taught me to trust him, and through that trust came deliverance. He gave me the me the means to pay off all those debts. He delievered me from depression and now I am fully healed from it. He gave me opportunities to share my testimony and helps others who are in the same situation I was in. He opened his heart to me and I found joy in learning about his very being.

Even though I am backslidden, even though I feel like I don't even know where my faith is or who God is anymore, I can't tell anybody about how my year has really been without telling them about this. Do I long for those days again? Do I long to have my faith restored again? Yeah, I do, more than anything. I trust that I will return home again, but my only fear is when, and if it will be too late when I do.

To conclude, my 2011 has been one of battle. Not in any physical way at all, but most definitely in a spiritual sense. The battle of the forces of evil and the forces of good in my life has been thunderous this year, and looking back I do feel like I have been pulled back and forth between the two realms. It's sad to think that I was never really won, and that's what is most distressing of all. Anyway, enough with the depressing banter - I hope you all have a great new years! If 2011 was quite terrible, I hope 2012 will be so much better. And if your 2011 was great, I hope 2012 will be greater. Much love to you all!

Currently listening to: Bon Iver - Perth

Wilheim Scream.

"I don't know about my dreams anymore...all that I know is I'm falling, falling, falling."

Where can I begin? First of all, I want to be honest with everyone who is reading this right now - you are going to be the first to know what is going on in my life right now. It may seem like I am being dramatic, but I'm used to knowing that people don't really care about me or how I am apart from a couple of people I trust in the world more than anything. Isn't it sad that I don't begin to tell anyone but a blog all my deepest thoughts and worries? Maybe it's because a blog doesn't have a mind to judge or a mouth to condemn. Anyway, I feel safe being vulnerable here, and so I will be.

Ever since I came back from Wellington to see one of my good friends, I suddenly felt an abrupt change in the way I thought, spoke and act. That weekend in Wellington was one of the most craziest weekends I've ever had. Even though I prayed before I left that I would stay grounded, I knew in my heart I wouldn't, and I didn't. Drinking every day, clubbing, little sleep, pills, hook-ups and vanity were all mixed into that one weekend, and I couldn't help but be influenced by the people that surrounded me while I was there. Landing in Auckland, I didn't know how much I was changed by that brief lifestyle. I suddenly wanted to be like them - I wanted to feel and look hot, I wanted to party every chance I got, I wanted to play with boys and gain a reputation with them, regardless if it was good or bad. Most astounding of all, I found that my faith in God was almost completely lost. And maybe it still is. This terrifies me admitting it, but I feel like a demon has taken over my mind and it's darkness has shrouded what my faith means and everything I once believed in.

Suddenly, I put all my money into looking good.
I play with guys every chance I get.
I don't value sex or my body anymore.
My desire to go out and fill my body with toxic substances is increasing.
I'm ashamed of going to Bible college and don't even mention it anymore. And if I do, I shove it off like it's embarrassing.
Most heartbreakingly, I don't talk about God anymore, and I don't stand up for him. It's like I'm repellent of everything to do with Christianity now. The light and the goodness frightens me and I don't want to go near it.

Sitting here right now, I am wondering how 19 years of a relationship with God could be thrown away in a matter of 4 days. Can you sense how frightened I am? I'm anxious that I don't love God anymore. I have asked him to fight for me. I told him that if he loves me and I am valueble to him, that he will rescue me. But I have heard nothing, I have seen nothing, I have felt little.
I feel like my life is slowly swirling down the drain. I need your prayers so desperately. There is nothing I want more in this world right now than your prayer.

Someone please pray for me.

I'm starting to lose my faith. Everything I believe in is dying.