One second in this world without You and I am torn apart.

This is nothing new. It is always the same old cycle with me - I run away from God to the world and back again, and again, and again. What I have with Him is not enough it seems. I must also have the world. I've been trying to juggle the two silmultaneously since I was 14 and it has torn me apart, yet I still keep doing it. I don't know why anymore. I am so fed up with this double life I'm living. When I go to church or sing praises, all I feel is hypocrisy and fakeness in my heart because I know outside of church I am a completely different person. It's as if I have different masks I wear for different areas of my life - work, course, church, with different friends...I need to give it up, but I don't know where to begin. It feels like I have tried everything possible. I feel like I have given all my energy into being fully consecrated to God yet I am getting nowhere.

Last night I went out, drunk and embarrassed and degraded myself completely. Although it seems fun at the time, afterward I always feel defeated. On top of that, someone had smashed my car window and stole my SLR camera. Cleaning my car this morning, seeing all the shattered glass and alcohol bottles from all the nights out with my friends left me feeling disgusted - with my life and with myself. Oh God, let this be enough to make me change. This world is trying to break me and crush me and tell me I need more and my strength is ever weakening. Come, Lord. I need you!

Currently listening to: Bon Iver - Holocene

16 never-mentioned-before facts about me.

1. The band that has most impacted my life like no other is Underoath. When I was going through a hard time with depression, their album 'Define The Great Line' gave me hope and light in my darkness. When I felt like I could turn to no one and nothing else, I turned to that album. Even though I don't like Underoath's new music, they are and always will be a big part of my life.

2. Funny fact: When I was younger, for some reason I was quite hairy. I had bad facial hair especially. People used to call me 'moustache lady' and I also had a nice monobrow going on. Even though I hated it, looking back now I find it very amusing.

3. The first band I ever saw live was Fall Out Boy, 5 years ago in 2007.

4. I can't eat a lot of seafood as it's bad for my skin (as I have ezcema). What makes it hard is that seafood is a favourite of mine, so I eat way too much of it anyway.

5. On the subject of ezcema, I've had it since I was a child. The doctors said that it would go away as I got older, but it's gotten worse instead. I've done tests but still don't know why I have it or why it continues to get worse. This is the reason I always, always wear stockings, no matter how hot it is or weird it looks - I'm insecure about my skin.

6. My mum is the co-owner and sometimes chef of a Vietnamese resturaunt called 'Halong Vietnamese Resturaunt', and my dad is a tiler and painter.

7. I'm Chinese and Vietnamese but was born in South Korea and raised in New Zealand. I hope to live somewhere else when I'm older, like New York for the fast-paced city lifestyle or somewhere in France for the quaintness.

8. Aside from the fear of losing someone I love, I have a huge fear of bees and wasps. I will either run, cry or panic if I see one close by.

9. I have two very small tattoos: one of an anchor on my ring finger of my right hand representing hope as the anchor for my soul, and one of an upside down cross on the back of my neck (no, it is not the sign of the anti-Christ, obviously). I got it because I liked the symbolism that it has in Catholic tradition (St. Peter's cross). I do want more, but they are a luxury.

10. I'm a jealous person. (It took me only til recently to realise this).

11. When I was little, I was quite a tomboy. I had no sisters or female relatives my age to play with, so I hung around with boys a lot (which explains why I prefer hanging out with them now). I used to climb trees, ride my bike and rollerblade everywhere, catch locusts and force them to swim in a bucket full of water and play with binoculars and water pistols. I was also cheeky, and I remember taking out all the letters out of my neighborhood's letter boxes and swapping them.

12. The best presents I've receieved are ones that people have made for me. Paintings, scrapbooks, cards etc - they are the most cherished.

13. My dream car is a Jeep wrangler.

14. When I was in primary school, I wanted to be an archaeologist because I was fascinated with dinosaurs. I also wanted to be an astronomer as I loved learning about outer space. As I grew older, it changed to wanting to become a writer and illustrator, to a PR type person for a music company, a photo-journalist and now to be an ambassader for an aid organisation like World Vision or Tear Fund. Working at Come&Live! would also rule.

15. I have to have a shower everyday.

16. My huge celebrity crushes have ranged from Hayden Christensen from Star Wars, Spencer Chamberlain from Underoath and Julian Casablancas and Nick Valensi from The Strokes. Right now, I have a crush on Hodgy Beats from OFWGKTA (photo below).

:)

I had an amazing weekend. On Friday I went to a sushi resturaunt in town with Jayesh and then afterward saw some rad bands play at my favourite bar & club Cassette 9. Even though I had a couple of hours sleep, the next day I was amped for Parachute with my two girls Anja and Kate. What made the whole experience unforgettable was not only the bands (Ascend The Hill and The Chariot especially blew my mind), the atmosphere and the famaliar faces I saw, but being with two people I loved dearly and sharing laughs and new memories with them. I can't think of two better people I could have shared this experience with.

On the whole, things in my life and slowly and surely getting better, particularly in my spiritual life. God has been leading me back into relationship with Him and it feels amazing. The little truths He has spoken to me here and there through people, nature and His Word have been pompting me to come back into His arms again, but the worship with Ascend The Hill and the prayers that followed were really what made me truly decide to come back to God again.
One thing that comes to mind when I look back on my tumultous few months I've had that I want to share with you guys is what I heard from a young youth leader at a church I was at a couple of months ago. Basically what she said was this: In the very beginning of time, Eve ate the forbidden fruit because she had doubted God's goodness - there was a sense of doubt in her heart that what God had already given her was not enough. There was a belief that God was holding back on her that made her fall into sin, and sometimes, we can be like that too. I'd be the first to admit that Eve's doubt is a very real thing in my life.
There are times in our walk with God that we look at the world in all it's glitter and glory and wonder if what we have with God is really it. We ask ourselves, 'Am I missing out on all the real fun? Is God holding back on me?' and, succumbing into temptation, we venture into the world to find out, only to walk down the road of sin and destruction and walk further away from God. The truth is, a truth that would have saved humanity, is that what we have with God is goodness is all it's entirety. Life with Him is the only life that satisfies, is the only life that brings wholeness and peace and real happiness. What we have is true life. I think the world makes the slogan 'a life lived to the full' to mean sex, partying, lots of money and even travel and adventure, but I firmly believe that a life lived to the full is a life lived in true relationship with God. He is the best that we can get, and beyond anything we can dream of. He isn't holding back on us - He is giving us everything. And I think that's worth pursuing and sticking around for.

Lastly, I also want to thank everyone who has thought about me, prayed for me and encouraged me during those rough months I've had. Also, for putting up with my depressing posts lately haha. I got my $900 back too, just p.s. Thank God! But really, I appreciate you all and I can't expess my gratitude enough.

At Parachute 2012 with Anja and Kate.

Currently listening to: Ascend The Hill - Come Like You Promised

Draining.

I feel so depleted right now.

Last week, I found out that someone had hacked into my online bank account and scammed $900 into their account, or phantom account. Part of that money was my student loan, and one of my deans emailed me yesterday and asked me to give the money in this week which, if my bank doesn't sort out soon, won't be possible. I'm doing some phone calls tomorrow so hopefully the whole situation will be in control by then. If you are the praying type, it would be super appreciated if you pray for me and for the whole situation to work out. More so, for peace and a stronger trust in God.

I also found out today from a good friend of mine more about the guy from the previous blog post. Apparantly he's sleeping with another girl I know, and he lied about having a relation to me. My friend also admitted he never talks about me and only wanted to play around with me. Even though it hurt hearing all that, I know my friend has the best intentions at heart for me, and I really do appreciate her honesty... but all those sad and lonely nights I've had, all those affectionate thoughts I've had about him, all the hope I had that he wasn't like everyone told me he was and that I was different has spiraled down the drain and squeezed me dry. It sounds pathetic and typical of me to say so, but prior to hearing all this my self-esteem took a low when I realised that I wasn't as pretty as people made me out to be. Having my friends being chosen over me, or being second best - the uglier friend, is quite disheartening at times. I understand now why I've been played with and rejected so many times. I'm really not much at all, plus my confidence in myself is quite low.

This whirlwind of emotions - rejected, worthless, ugly, plain - mixed with the loss of a considerable sum of money for my study is getting me get so sad and blue. I feel like work is taking over my life, my faith is weak, my sleeping pattern has gone haywire again and I'm starting to smoke constantly. I feel and look sick, inside and out.
I just want to sleep and only wake up when it's ready to go home.

Currently listening to: Drake - Sooner Than Later