A little rain.

Lately things have been challenging. I've been forced to realise what I stand for and what I am made of inside. It's when the fire burns that it strips away all the excess to reveal what is important inside.

I recently went for an interview at the Ministry Training College I wanted to do this year. I felt a little under pressure as two people nodded at what I said and wrote them down in their papers. It was as if I was under examination of my life, my Christian life. They would say, 'I see you did drugs...' 'Do you go to a lot of house parties?' 'Do you have a lot of friends who smoke and drink?' 'So you go to concerts all the time?' 'What do you think about pre-marital sex?' 'Are you going to quit smoking? Why do you want to quit?'
Because I felt uncomfortable and pressured, I answered some of those questions untruthfully. Why did I feel the need to lie? It was as if I was ashamed of what I did and who I am. It was as if I had something to prove. It was as if I was a horrible christian because I did all of these things. The two interviewers were awfully nice people, but, dare I say it, I felt judged. To be honest, I was more ashamed about lying than who I was.
I am not afraid of who I am and what I have done. It has made me a much more experienced and empathetic person, and I have made many cool friends through these house parties and concerts, and even through smoking. I don't know why I lied. I think I didn't want them to think I was a bad person because I did all of those things.
I said to myself while driving back home, If this is what God wants me to do, I'll do it, and I will try to change for the better. I will try give up smoking and drinking and the odd drug. But all those things are already on auto-pilot. It's no use trying to force these things out of my life because it will just turn around to the same place I began. It requires a complete inner change of my mind to be able to turn away from these things (Romans 12:2). I know God will help me do this if he lets me get accepted in MTC.

So, I guess what I wanted to say is to never be ashamed about who you are and what you have done. If it is truthful, say yes when someone asks you if you smoke, or drink, or had sex before marriage or whatever you do or have done that is looked down upon by pretentious Christians. It is those experiences that shaped you into the strong person you are today. Those people who judge you forget that they themselves are equally as sinful and flawed and that they don't deserve grace as much as the next person. They do not have the right to judge your life! Only God does, and we should live according to the respect that comes from fearing Him. Whatever they say or do, let it slide like a water off a duck's back. It is not your weight to hold so hold your head high. Don't let them change you to what they want you to be, but be proud of who you are.

Currently listening to: Passion Pit - To Kingdom Come